The Case of the Klutzy King Charles

by B R Snow

“I know you think that I’m some sort of corrupt public official, but, over time, you’ll come to understand that things simply work a bit differently down here than you’re used to back home.”

  “I never said you were corrupt, Gerald,” I said, frowning at him. “I just think you’re a little loosey-goosey with the rules.”

  “Loosey-goosey? Is that a technical term?” he said, grinning at me.

  “Hey, whatever works, right?” I said, relaxing as I remembered just how much I liked the man. “You don’t know of any projects like that?”

  “No, I’m afraid not,” he said, shaking his head.

  “Any ideas where I might look?”

  “Geez, Suzy, I wish I could be more help,” he said. “But if you’re going to keep digging, and I’m sure you are, about the only idea I might have would be for you to look into recent or pending sales of vacant land. Knowing Gavin like I did, whatever he was working on was probably being funded by dirty money. And a great place to hide money down here is to put it in businesses that cater to tourists. And if a project like that created a lot of jobs, our government might be willing to be a bit flexible when it comes to the source of the money. That is, as long as the people funding the deal didn’t try to embarrass us by being blatant or trying to rub our face in it.”

  “Like a big hotel or resort?” I said.

  “Always a popular choice,” he said, nodding. “But there’s nothing on my radar at the moment.”

  “But it’s possible that there’s something out there that’s still in the planning stage and hasn’t hit your desk yet?”

  “Absolutely,” he said. “That happens quite often. Unfortunately, some people think they can get away with all sorts of things without us knowing about it. But we always find out at some point.”

  “That’s why you’re not worried about the possibility of something nefarious going on at the moment?”

  “Pretty much,” he said, nodding as he glanced at his watch. “Look, as much as I’d like to sit here and watch you wiggle, I have a meeting that is about to start.”

  “Of course,” I said. “Thanks again for meeting with me. Will we see you at the restaurant soon?”

  “Actually, your mother has invited me to join her tonight,” he said, standing up.

  “Great. We’ll see you then.”

  Then something happened I was sure would haunt me for years to come. I got up out of my chair and realized, too late, that what I thought had been my blouse creeping up my back was actually my baggy shorts falling down. When I stood, my shorts fell around my ankles, and my feet caught in them when I frantically bent down to pull them up. I fell forward on the floor face down right in front of Gerald just as the woman who had escorted me into the office earlier knocked softly on the door then opened it.

  “Gerald, your meeting is about to start,” she said, then caught a glimpse of me sprawled on the floor at her boss’s feet. “Oh, Gerald. Really? For God’s sake, not in your office.”

  “Suzy was just showing me her sunburn,” Gerald said, embarrassed but unable to stop laughing.

  “Of course, she was,” she said, shaking her head as she backed out of the office. “I’ll tell them you’re on your way.”

  I climbed to my feet and pulled my shorts up and tucked the blouse in.

  “I can’t believe it,” I said, my face burning hot with embarrassment.

  “Don’t worry about it,” he said, wiping his eyes.

  “You can stop laughing now, Gerald,” I snapped.

  “That really is a nasty burn,” he said, then burst into another round of laughter.

  He gestured toward the door, and I rapidly headed for it, desperate to get out of the building before the story of my showing the goods to the Finance Minister went viral around the office.

  “If I may offer an observation,” Gerald said, finally getting his laughter under control.

  “I really wish you wouldn’t, Gerald.”

  “Fair enough,” he said, grinning at me. “But if I were to do so, the word I would use would be outstanding.”

  “How about we just forget the whole thing, okay?”

  “Oh, I seriously doubt if I’m going to be able to do that.”

  I headed out of the office, down the hall to the elevator, and then out the building just as fast my little sunburned body would allow.

  Chapter 17

  I stood tall at the bar as I cut a piece of steak and raised the fork to my mouth. After swallowing, I took a sip of water and leaned forward with my elbows on the bar. Josie, sitting next to me, took a big bite of fish and studied me closely as she chewed.

  “And that was when you decided to flash Gerald?”

  “No, that came later,” I said, shaking my head. “And for the tenth time, it wasn’t a conscious choice. It was an accident.”

  “We’ll get back to that later,” she said, grinning. “Did he have anything to say that might be useful?”

  “Not really.”

  “Because he was too busy ogling, right?”

  I flinched as I reached for my glass of wine but recovered quickly. “He said he didn’t know anything specific going on at the moment that Gavin might have been involved in. But I still don’t know if I can believe a word Gerald says.”

  “Because he called your butt outstanding, right?”

  “Will you please stop? I’m embarrassed enough as it is already. I can’t imagine what they’re saying around that office.”

  “Oh, I can,” Josie said, grinning as she slid another piece of fish into her mouth. “And after you found yourself on all fours in Gerald’s office, you were too embarrassed to come home?”

  “No.”

  “Then where were you all day?”

  “I was doing some research. Land deals, pending property sales, stuff like that,” I said, stabbing a mushroom with my fork. “These are fantastic.”

  “They are,” she said, spearing one off my plate. “Did you find anything out?”

  “Not really,” I said. “I just can’t make much sense of who all the players are. I spent a lot of time reviewing the list of registered companies down here.”

  “And all you found was the usual spider web of different companies layered on top of each other until it’s impossible to understand who owns what.”

  “Nothing gets past you,” I said, nodding.

  “It’s nice of you to notice,” she said, stabbing another of my mushrooms.

  “Then I spent a couple of hours reading some articles and government reports about the ongoing battle between the developers and the conservationists. It looks like there’s a lot of pressure on the government to start setting aside some areas as protected. They’re even talking about a national park.”

  “Okay, that’s interesting. I can see why some of the development companies might not be happy about that possibility,” she said, nodding. “Keep going.”

  “It wasn’t clear who they are, and there weren’t a lot of direct references, but it looks like there’s somebody down here who might be trying to buy up parcels of land that are part of the areas that might end up protected. Or protected-adjacent.”

  “Protected-adjacent? Did you come up with that one all by yourself?”

  “Yeah,” I said, glancing at her. “Not bad, huh?”

  “Companies trying to buy up everything they can get their hands on are hardly a mystery, Suzy,” Josie said, reaching for her wine and taking a sip. “They’re all over the place.”

  “Yeah, I know. But who would go to all that effort to buy up a bunch of property that’s about to be protected by the government? It’s not like you can build a bunch of McMansions on a national park.”

  “Shhh, don’t give them any ideas,” Josie said, shaking her head and laughing. “For sale, an eight-bedroom chalet complete with wine cellar and a view overlooking Mount Rushmore.”

  I laughed along then took another bite of my steak.

  “Did you come up with any names yet?” Josie said.

  “Th
ere were a lot of names mentioned in the articles. But they were inconsistent. One company mentioned as a potential buyer in one article would be identified as the seller in the next. And it was impossible to follow the thread.”

  “Maybe that’s the way some people like it,” Josie said, pushing her plate away and reaching for the dessert menu. “Maybe they think it’s really not anybody’s business.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure you’re right. I was just about to give up, then I found an obscure article that came the closest to laying out the story. But even that one wasn’t clear. At one point, the journalist just started asking a bunch of questions in the middle of the article. You know, why would so and so do that? Who is the mysterious company behind all this? Why won’t they show their face? What do they have to hide?”

  “Questions a reporter might actually get answered before they wrote the story, right?” she said.

  “Yeah, that was my first thought, too. It seemed like sort of a fishing expedition. So I reread it. And it comes across as a piece that was written almost like a dare. Like the journalist was taunting somebody to show their face and make themselves known. The tone was very anti-development.”

  “Left-wing?”

  “Pretty much,” I said, finishing my wine and waving at Rocco for two more.

  “Who wrote the article?”

  “That’s the weird part,” I said, leaning closer to scan the dessert menu she was holding. “There wasn’t a name on it. All it had was the name of the paper the article was published in. It’s some local freebie that includes all sorts of stuff for sale and discount offers and giveaways for local businesses. You know, like the Pennysaver. But with a major left-wing slant.”

  “The Commie Coupon Clipper?” Josie said, laughing.

  “Yeah, that’s pretty close,” I said, nodding. “And the paper definitely has a conservation and environmental theme to it.”

  “Well, that explains the anti-development tone of the article, right?”

  “Yes, it does. And I think I have an idea,” I said.

  “You’re going to go to their office and buy an ad for a special deal here at the restaurant, aren’t you?” she said, raising an eyebrow at me.

  “You are on fire today,” I said, gently punching her on the shoulder.

  “Well, since I’m sitting next to you, it’s a little hard not to be,” she deadpanned. “You’re throwing off some serious heat.”

  “Funny,” I said, glancing around to make sure no one was watching before I gently scratched my sunburn. “Since I’ve got nothing else to go on, I thought it was worth a shot.”

  “You’ve had worse ideas.”

  “Yeah, I certainly have,” I said, placing my elbows back on the bar. “The whole thing is really strange, and it’s just a jumble of disconnected bits of information. And several names keep coming up in a lot of the articles, but there’s nothing about who they are, or who works for them. But there was one name that caught my eye. And it wasn’t clear if it’s the name of a company or a person.”

  “What’s the name?”

  “Jansmid.”

  Josie frowned as she searched her memory bank, then shook her head.

  “No, I got nothing.”

  “I couldn’t find anything online. No website. No references to anybody that seemed relevant.”

  “Maybe it’s a new company.”

  “But wouldn’t that be all the more reason for them to be getting the word out?” I said.

  “One would think,” Josie said, glancing at the front door. “But here comes Gerald. Why don’t you ask him?”

  “That’s my plan,” I said, waving to him and my mother as they approached.

  “Just try to keep your pants on.”

  “It’s going to take me years to live this one down, isn’t it?”

  “At least,” Josie said, laughing. “Hi, folks. How are you this lovely evening?”

  “Wonderful, Josie,” my mother said, leaning in for a quick hug and a kiss. “Hello, darling.” She gave me a hug and then stared at me with a mischievous grin plastered on her face. “How was your day?”

  “You know perfectly well how my day was, Mom,” I said, glaring at her. “Hello, Gerald.”

  “Hi, Suzy,” he said, his eyes twinkling. “I’m so sorry about what happened this morning.”

  “I’m sure it caused quite a stir around the office,” I said, feeling my face start to flush red.

  “Indeed,” he said, nodding. “Everyone is dying to know who the mysterious naked woman is.”

  “I wasn’t naked,” I snapped. “I was just…severely under clothed.”

  Josie and my mother snorted loudly. I ignored them and motioned for Gerald to follow me. I took a few steps away from the bar, and when we were safely out of earshot, I continued.

  “After I left your office, I did a little digging into a few things.”

  “I’d be shocked if you hadn’t,” he said, nodding. “What did you find out?”

  “Not a lot,” I said. “But have you ever heard of a company or an individual with the name Jansmid?”

  He flinched, then recovered and nodded.

  “Yes, I have,” Gerald said. “And it’s a name that many of us are trying to track down.”

  “You don’t know who it is?”

  “No, I don’t,” he said. “You must have read the article in that left-wing rag.”

  “I did. How did you know that?”

  “Because that’s the only place I’ve ever seen it mentioned,” he said. “But we are definitely most interested in finding out who they are.”

  “Because they might be in the process of trying to buy up a bunch of land that could end up on the protected list, right?”

  “You have been busy,” he said. “I’m impressed. It took my staff a week to put that together.”

  “I couldn’t find the name mentioned anywhere in the corporate registry,” I said.

  “And you won’t,” he said, shaking his head. “We’ve scoured our database, and it’s simply not there.”

  “That must mean this Jansmid is an individual, right?”

  “We are certainly looking into that possibility,” he said.

  “So Jansmid is definitely on the government’s radar.”

  “It’s one of those rumors we discussed earlier today,” Gerald said.

  “But you said you usually ignore all of them,” I said.

  “I did say that, didn’t I?”

  “Yes, but you’re taking this one seriously?”

  “We are,” he said, nodding. “Relations between our developers and the residents are a bit strained at the moment. And the last thing we want is somebody driving a wedge further between them. Some of the tension is being driven by groups opposed to what they consider unchecked development. It’s a situation that needs to be carefully managed.”

  “I see,” I said, trying to process his comment. “And you’re looking for a way to find the right balance between the two?”

  “I am,” he said, grinning at me. “I like to call it pragmatic protection of the environment.”

  “How very corporate of you,” I said, flashing him a coy smile.

  “Hey, I enjoy looking at fish and birds as much as the next guy, but I have responsibilities to help make sure the economy keeps ticking along.”

  “Do you ever stop to think about what you’re going to do when you run out of land to build on?” I said.

  “Oh, I’m sure I’ll be out of office long before that happens,” he said, turning around to accept the glass of wine my mother was offering. “Thanks.”

  “What are you talking about, darling?” she said, touching glasses with him then taking a sip of wine.

  “At the moment, Gerald’s insatiable need to cover every stretch of sand with concrete,” I said, shaking my head at him.

  “I was joking, Suzy,” he said, then turned to my mother. “Does she get that annoying trait from you?”

  “I’m going to need you to be a bit more specific, G
erald,” she said, giving me a coy smile. “Which annoying trait are you referring to?”

  “Funny, Mom,” I said, getting testy. “I’m just trying to understand a few things so I can track down Earl’s owner.”

  “Earl is doing just fine, darling,” she said. “His eye has returned to normal, and he spent all day playing with Summer and Winter. And they’re getting along so well.”

  “We need to find his owner, Mom. I know you’ve gotten attached to him, but you’d be devastated if either of your dogs got separated from you.”

  “Of course,” she said, turning serious. “You’re absolutely right. But I’ve grown very fond of the little guy.”

  “Well, if we don’t find the owner soon, you might end up having to keep him.”

  “I could live with that,” she said, then glanced at the front door. “Oh, there’s John.”

  I watched John Smith as he paused in the doorway, glanced around, then spotted Gerald and my mother and waved. He casually strolled our way, then shook hands with all three of us, and looked around the full dining room.

  “Busy,” he said, nodding. “I guess the word is already out about how good the food is here.”

  “Yes, we’re pretty happy so far,” I said. “How are you, John?”

  “I’m good,” he said without giving it much thought. “Are we ready to eat? I’m starving.” He took another look around the restaurant shuffling his feet, apparently anxious to sit down.

  “You’re in a hurry,” Gerald said, laughing.

  “Like I say, I’m starving,” John Smith said, casting a loving stare at a tray of entrees one of the servers passed by carrying.

  “Keep your pants on,” Gerald said, shaking his head.

  Then he caught himself and glanced back and forth at my mother and me. A wicked grin appeared on my mother’s face, and she glanced over at me.

  “Not a word, Mom.”

  Chapter 18

  The office of The People’s Paradise was a multicolored, nondescript, single story structure that appeared to be a house that had been converted into office space. It sat on the edge of town and had either managed to fend off redevelopment efforts or had yet to hit the radar of people who I was sure would love nothing more than raze it with a bulldozer and start over. But it had sort of a cool, funky vibe that I liked, and I parked in front then headed inside. What I was sure used to be the living room had been converted into a workspace, and four desks were positioned around the room in a manner that provided the most privacy for each occupant. But given the small amount of square footage, I doubted if the location of the desks made much of a difference. Three of the desks were unoccupied, but a woman sat at the other one that faced the front door. She looked up when I entered, removed her glasses, and beamed at me as she gestured for me to come closer.