Trade World Saga

by Ken Pence

  "How do we know these aren't damaged goods?" he said to the tech.

  "Most of this stuff comes with some type of ...guarantee," he said struggling for the word 'guarantee' which didn't seem to be part of the Trade language, at least, not part of any of the language he had studied. "I'll check," he said and reached into a box and pulled out three or four of the blister packs of calculators. He turned them over in his hands and held them up to the light. "Gee buddy. I can speak some Trade but I never learned to read it yet. Sorry. It probably says that if there is any defect in workmanship or the device fails to work as claimed, you can bring it back and get another working unit to replace any of them that don't work. Most companies will do that for one year from the date the customer receives it. That means that when you sell them, the customer has a year after that, an Earth year, to get it back to you and then on your next trip we'll swap it for a new one. No charge."

  "We will check all fifty cases first," UmBllatt said and moved over to the boxes. He didn't understand everything this human said but it excited and worried him at the same time.

  "Okay. Your choice… They are all guaranteed. A good company makes these calculators. It will start the time on the guarantee if you open them first. My suggestion is to take one at random from each case and test them. Give those to your crew if you want," said the tech. "Sign here please." The tech noticed UmBllatt's hesitation. "You just make some mark that identifies you. This says that I delivered fifty cases. That's all."

  UmBllatt marked the digitizing pad and the tech tapped the display and a copy with UmBllatt's signature spewed out. "Here is your copy. See you next trip," said the tech as he went out.

  "Humff," snorted UmBllatt politely. It was confusing. Case? Guarantee? How many calculators were there? "Get over here!" ordered the captain to his men who startled and rushed over to him in a line. "Open these cases and take out a calculator from each box. Count them all. I will be in my room." He stomped off sure that he had been tricked somehow but he couldn't step on the reason.

  An hour later the navigator came to his door and grunted. UmBllatt huffed back to go ahead.

  "Captain, we've counted the calculators in four of the boxes."

  "Cases. Navigator. Cases."

  The navigator snorted affirmative. "There are exactly one hundred calculators. All the ones we have checked work exactly like the first. There are instructions on how to use them, in Trade, for every one inside the tough clear casing."

  "That would be how many per case?” queried stated the Captain.

  The navigator snorted a polite grunt and the captain swiveled his oculars up at the navigator. "There are one hundred in every case. We can't get them all back into the case after we take them out. They are packed that tight. All the other cases appear to be packed exactly the same. There are five thousand calculators in those cases."

  UmBllatt had had no idea that fifty cases might be more than fifty calculators. Five thousand! There must have been some mistake on their part. The language sets he had given them were the high language of each of those cultures not the ordinary common day language. They weren't used except in the aristocratic circles on those planets. That's why he still had them still in boxed sets. He couldn't get much for them anywhere but here.

  He realized the enormity of the wealth represented by the boxes in front of him. He pried apart a calculator. Few wires…Metal designs with tiny little silver circles on one side…Colored lines on little parts, capacitors he recognized but they were so tiny. Odd ways of marking what went where... stubborn to get out of their holders... All Ullumff electrical devices have connectors that allow parts to be easily replaced.

  The door buzzed again and UmBllatt cursed himself for not posting a guard -- again.

  He grunted to his crew who sent two to each side of the door.

  "Enter," UmBllatt shouted.

  The tech, he guessed it was the same one, was back with a dolly that had a silver barrel on it. He wheeled it into the room without being invited this time.

  "What is this?" demanded UmBllatt.

  "This mack. This is a keg of beer, " said the tech with a toothy grin.

  UmBllatt wondered why this being was showing his teeth but decided it was not a threatening mechanism like most worlds. How strange! Mack, the term of respect and the showing of teeth… Curious. Keg must mean this barrel thing but what was beer? "Beer?" questioned UmBllatt.

  "Sure. Beer, " he said and pointed to the dozen empty brown beer bottles in the corner. Obviously these boys hadn't figured out the recycling bin. He pointed to the empty bottles and said, "Beer." He then pointed to the keg and said, "Beer."

  All the crew now knew he meant the cold fermented grain beverage. That beverage had been very good but there wasn't much of it. It was very weak too...but very tasty. UmBllatt was about to ask how you got it out when the door buzzed again. UmBllatt was a little off-balance mentally so he said, "Enter," without thinking about the security of his precious cargo.

  The door opened and Fran and Ling plus another female and male tech came in with armloads of chips and sacks of pretzels and snacks.

  "The cavalry has arrived," Ling said in English. She turned to UmBllatt and spoke in Ullumff, "It is customary on our planet to welcome guests with a party. Sergeant McGregor here, " she said and indicated the tech working on the keg with a big stack of plastic cups in his hands, "decided you needed a welcoming party. We party to relax. Let us know what you like and do not like so your next visit will be better."

  UmBllatt was about to reply when one of his crewmembers came up to him with a cold cup of draft beer. He handed it to UmBllatt with both hands. He was thirsty and this did look good. He started to reply to the human but decided to taste the beer first. "Ummm!" he said and drained the large cup. "More!" he said and handed the empty cup back to his crewmate. Four cups later, his immediate thirst quenched, he felt he was able to converse with the human. "Good drink. What were the other things in the shiny packages?"

  "Party snacks. Fun food. Why don't you try some? We understand you can eat most plant foods. Oh good! Desiree got some fruits and veggies," Ling said indicating Desiree who trouped in with a cart full of goodies.

  "Veggies?" inquired UmBllatt.

  "Vegetables. Would you like to invite some or all of your crew to join us?" Ling asked.

  "It is allowed?" UmBllatt asked.

  "Yes. It is allowed as long as we get them to wear those yellow bracelets. How many do you want me to get?" Ling asked.

  "Ten more would be enough," UmBllatt said not knowing if Ling was really offering free access for the rest of his crew. He then turned and bellowed. The Ullumff dropped what they were doing and rushed over to their Captain.

  "Navigator, you get ten more yellow bracelets from her, " indicating Ling, "and go to the ship. Pick ten more crew and give those ten one each. No weapons. Have them wear these. Do you understand?"

  "Which ten?" asked the navigator.

  "Do I have to do everything!" bellowed the captain. The captain then did something no one had ever seen a Ullumff do and it was impressive. He let loose with a tone...word...something... like an explosive sneeze and charged the three meters to stop just short of the navigator. The navigator's ears peeled flat back against his head and his ocular stalks curled down with eyes clenched shut. The navigator hunched over and shuffled out the door.

  Ling and the other base personnel realized that these two hundred kilogram beings were not from their culture...surprise, surprise. Sergeant McGregor had been eavesdropping over the din of the party and told Ling he'd go out and get the bracelet IDs for the other crewmembers. He said he'd open up several adjacent rooms too if she wanted as there were plenty of rooms. She nodded assent and he hurried out.

  She motioned to UmBllatt to the table to try some of the foods and distract him. He smelled delicious again and she had to pinch herself to realize that it meant Ullumff were angry when they smelled like cinnamon. "Try some of these and tell me what you like and what
you do not like."

  He hesitated a moment and clumped over, gracefully, for one so large. She had eased the gravity settings down a bit to 1.1 normal so the humans wouldn't get worn out so fast.

  UmBllatt tried the Washington State Red delicious apples first and he bit into one and ate it core and all and just stood stock still for a moment. Ling was worried that it had paralyzed him until he took a deep breath of air and let it out with stuttered exhale. The other Ullumff stopped in their tracks, turned and walked over toward the Captain without speaking a word. Many had stopped speaking in mid-sentence and there was an acrid scent in the air coming from them.

  The captain shook all over like a wet dog and then took another deep breath, "What are these called?"

  "Apples, Captain," Ling stated.

  "These are like nothing I have ever tasted. They are wonderful," he said while wondering what other rare, exotic foods they had for them to try. "Try them," the captain said to his crew.

  The other crewmembers had similar reactions of ecstasy and then moved on, at the captain's urging, to other fruits and veggies. Desiree had a good generic assortment and the station was well supplied since they might have to work in stressed space fields with long, relative, periods between supplies. They hated bananas, but liked watermelons and cantaloupes -- seeds and all. Loved all fried snacks like potato chips and pretzels. They were crazy about popcorn without butter on it. They thought celery was fine but they only had a similar reaction to corn chips like they had with the apples. They loved them. Then it happened.

  "What are these?" asked the Ullumff first mate who had picked up several small green vegetables.

  Desiree didn't see what they were 'til he was popping them into his mouth.

  "Don't eat so many of those. Those are Jalapeno peppers," she cried, as if naming it would have stopped him, but it was too late.

  The first mate's eyes stuck straight out like rods and he trumpeted out a blast and then started stamping around in circles pawing at his mouth with both hands and bleating like a stuck pig. Suddenly he rushed over to the keg and while pumping with one arm, he bent over, lifted the hose and nozzle to his mouth and began putting out the fire. It took a full minute of hosing down his mouth with the beer before he quieted down.

  Desiree went over to the Captain and said, "I am sorry. I wasn't able to tell him until it was too late." She could have been talking to the wall because all the Ullumff were watching the first mate with rapt attention; each standing stock-still.

  The first mate let out a little rapid harking sound like a dog trying to cough up a stuck bone and then all of the Ullumff, including the captain refilled their beer cups and went over to pick up some Jalapeno peppers. It was pandemonium after that because the other ten Ullumff chose that moment to arrive after their little briefing and lecture on station decorum.

  It wasn't long 'til another keg was called for and the apples, popcorn, nachos and jalapenos were replenished. It was a hell of a night. Security got called in when they started turning on music vids and the Ullumff decided they liked county and western, jazz and reggae music. They somehow got some weird music player off the ship and started this drumming music. Then they got in a line and made circles with bumps and stomps while making snorts and hoots. Fran came over with most of the rest of the base that wasn't on duty. The Ullumff could produce a huge array of sounds and their music was simple yet sophisticated, with deep rhythmic undertones. Of course, the base personnel were getting three sheets to the wind (drunk) trying to drink Ullumff under the table. Pretty soon everyone was stomping, laughing and yelling. It was a hell of a night and didn't wind down 'til early in the 'morning'.

  Everyone went to bed, some not to sleep, and the night ended without incident -- except that the Ullumff navigator had a cut over one eye where there, evidently, had been a mini-riot on the ship deciding which ten would go ashore and which would stay. The larger crewmembers had come ashore including the smaller navigator.

  About noon the captain got up and went over to the computer console that had gotten him into trouble before.

  "Computer. Show me star maps of inhabited planetary systems," demanded UmBllatt. Well, the only map available like that was the one Joel had scanned from the gift UmBllatt had given them. He wasn't sure if this being, this 'computer', was trying to be offensive or funny. It was the same map series he had given the humans as a gift. They already had one and I was trying to be tricky and gave them an old map that was of no use to me anymore. He snorted. He was ashamed. These beings had treated them as friends, no; better than that -- family. What a party we had! He was determined he would get them better trade goods next time and really do this right. The calculators alone would make his clan immensely wealthy but I don't want everyone to know about this place. What a planet! What a people! Yes. They were people, almost as good as another Ullumff...though very ugly and soft and weak. Now he worried about the other items.

  "Computer. Do you have any information concerning markings on this map?" he said in clear Trade.

  "Yes," answered the computer and it used it's fuzzy logic and displayed the few pages Joel had already scanned and translated.

  UmBllatt was stunned. They had manuals to explain them too. They acted like they were happy to get his gifts and these humans already had maps and manuals like he had given them. What about Trade sets! Did they have those too? He was afraid to ask; his shame was so great. "Do you have language sets other than the fifty sets recently traded by the Ullumff?"

  "Yes. There are one hundred and sixty other languages sets in memory," stated the computer, failing to mention that one hundred and forty of those were of Earth languages and dialects recorded to preserve cultures during the Viral B epidemics decades past.

  UmBllatt was appalled that he had given the humans inferior, inexpensive goods for those guaranteed calculators. I must finish this and leave before I shame my race, my reputation further. "Computer. Tell 'colonelbradkyger' that we are ready to leave."

  The computer paused a moment while it worked through that one and then said, "He will be so notified," answering in Trade.

  UmBllatt went out and butted the first two crewmen he saw to get them awake. "Get the others awake and load the ship."

  All the Ullumff got shakingly upright and with much snorting and snuffling, they started loading boxes in arms and marching toward their ship. The line was almost to the ship with UmBllatt at the rear when it came to a screeching halt. UmBllatt couldn't see what the problem was so he bellowed ahead. "Keep moving!"

  "Captain, the corridor is blocked," answered the navigator from the front.

  UmBllatt shoved crew aside, pushed, butted and prodded his way forward. He was about to shout again, when he saw what was obstructing their path. The whole corridor was lined with bags of apples and bags of popcorn and nachos. There was even a crate of, yes...jalapenos. Each crate or bag had some little colored cloth strips tied in open loops near the top and little white tags with writing on them, mostly in scrawled Trade.

  UmBllatt bent over and pulled off one tag; read it and pulled off another and repeated the process until he had gathered and read them all. He started snorting and there was a scent something like garlic in the air.

  This was something unparalleled in the navigator's experience and he was very worried about the sanity and well being of his superior.

  "Captain?" he inquired.

  The captain handed him several of the tags which he read in shock. He knew the captain had been stretching it by giving these beings out of date maps and language sets. He was affected by the generosity of these humans.

  Brad, Fran, Andrew, Susan, Tod, Desiree, Ling rolled up about that time from an adjacent corridor but couldn't get up close to the ship. UmBllatt saw them and they waved at the Captain. He did the strangest thing. He started shouting and stamping and bellowing in several languages. He must have been cursing because it sounded like cursing and he didn't use the same words twice. The Ullumff started clearing the hallway and th
ere had never been such a display of fire brigade cargo handling. UmBllatt did not let up and the ones at the back were making trips back for more boxes of calculators as the ones in the front passed up bags of gifts through the port to the Ullumff ship. It was all taken in fifteen minutes with as graceful a ballet of moving as the lunar crew had ever seen. The still bellowing captain immediately followed the crew. The hatch shut.

  Brad and the others were stunned. They hadn't said a word of goodbye. Maybe they were likes cats... a warm welcome and an apathetic departure. They decided there might be a problem -- depending on how rapidly the ship left -- so Brad ordered them back to a safer area to await the ship's departure. Two hours went by. They were monitoring the ship on several displays when the hatch again opened and Ullumff crew started coming out with boxes and boxes of strange trinkets and all kinds of stuff and setting it off to the side of the corridor. It looked like they were emptying their garbage before they took off...how nice. Brad decided that he, Ling and Andrew, should go down there in suits to see what was going on.

  They arrived at the Ullumff yard sale just as Captain UmBllatt walked down the ramp with the navigator standing in the hatch.

  Brad was about to demand what was going on when the Captain spoke.

  "Thank U Frens. Gud time had. U Gud giffs," he said in English though struggling with some of the words. He gave Brad a small sack and waved to the navigator who disappeared inside as the large ship starting powering up to depart. He turned around and went up the ramp before the humans could really react and when they did they realized they had better seal off the end of the corridor. Brad had just gotten the stressed space field powered up when the ship departed.

  "Get security down here quick," ordered Brad who worried about bombs and biological weapons or whatever in this trash. Some of the stuff appeared to have been ripped right out, as there were loose wires and torn connectors on the backs of many items.