Blue

by Lisa Glass

  ‘Yep, total gay-hater,’ Elijah said, nodding at Wes.

  ‘I’m texting Zeke,’ Garrett said, getting his phone out of his back pocket. ‘You? Sit there,’ he said, pointing to Elijah. ‘Wes, you’re coming with me.’

  Garrett got Wes by the arm and dragged him out on to the balcony. Through the glass doors, I could see that Garrett was giving Wes a hard time. Wes was shaking his head and looking seriously upset.

  Elijah turned to me and said, ‘I should leave.’

  ‘Please, just wait another few minutes. Wes is gonna need you.’

  Zeke came bounding up the stairs, sweaty and sandy from another one of his beach workouts.

  He nodded to Elijah and said, ‘Hey man,’ and then turned to me. ‘What’s happening? Garrett sent an SOS.’

  ‘It’s all kicking off,’ I said, and nodded over to the balcony. ‘You’d better go ask them.’

  Zeke strode across the living room and slid open the glass doors. I didn’t catch what was said, but after a few seconds the brothers came back into the room and Wes sat down next to Elijah.

  ‘Wes has something to tell you,’ Garrett said.

  ‘Yeah?’

  Zeke looked expectantly at Wes, who exhaled loudly, then turned and kissed Elijah on the mouth.

  Zeke blinked.

  Elijah gripped Wes’s hand and both of them looked at Zeke.

  ‘That,’ Garrett said. Then he turned to Wes and said, ‘Who are you? Cos you’re sure as shit not my brother.’

  ‘What the hell?’ Zeke said to Wes.

  Garrett took a swig from a can of Heineken he’d helped himself to, and said, ‘I know, right? Don’t even. You don’t know him. I don’t.’

  ‘Yeah, you do,’ Wes said, his voice faltering.

  ‘You’re fucking gay,’ Garrett said, ‘and how many times did you ask to borrow my porn? What is even with that?’

  ‘I dunno. I wanted …’ Wes’s voice got really tight, and then he looked down and I saw tears roll off the end of his nose.

  This just enraged Elijah, who jumped up and said, ‘So he looked at some tits in a magazine? Who gives a fuck.’

  ‘Eat shit and die. No one cares what you think. You’re nobody.’

  Wes looked up and, in this quiet voice, he said, ‘Don’t speak to Elijah that way.’

  ‘What?’ Garrett said, giving Wes a full-on hate stare.

  ‘You need to apologize to Elijah.’

  Garrett laughed and looked like he couldn’t believe what Wes was saying. ‘Yeah, that’s gonna happen, uhhh, never.’

  ‘Elijah’s not nobody,’ Wes said.

  ‘Who is he then, bro? Who’s he to you? He your boyfriend?’

  ‘I guess so.’

  ‘Is this real? Is this actually happening?’

  ‘Can you calm down for like one second, Garrett?’ I said.

  ‘I remember you telling Nanna how you only had the hots for biker chicks. You lied to Nanna. And you’ve been lying to us your entire life.’

  Garrett turned to me and said, ‘Don’t you get how messed-up that is?’

  ‘He lied because he knew you’d act like this.’

  Zeke sat down on the sofa next to Wes and said, ‘Can’t believe you didn’t tell me. You could’ve told me. I tell you like everything.’

  ‘Everything?’

  ‘OK, not everything. But the big stuff. The stuff that counts.’

  ‘You don’t know how it’s been for me. Man, how would I even get into it with you?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Zeke said. ‘But you could’ve tried.’

  ‘I was scared of losing you guys. I can’t lose my brothers.’

  Garrett said, ‘Too late. Brothers don’t lie to each other for nineteen years. You ain’t no brother of mine.’

  ‘Garrett, don’t say that shit. That’s not cool,’ Zeke said, his face twisted up with pain.

  ‘I’m gonna go,’ Elijah said, standing up.

  ‘Good idea, and take Wes — sorry, your boyfriend — with you.’

  Garrett was way out of line. I saw Zeke make a fist and for a second I thought he was actually going to punch Garrett. I put my hand on Zeke’s fist and felt it relax. Instead of punching Garrett, Zeke said, ‘This is their home. You go.’

  ‘Cool. I’m gone.’

  And then Wes said something to Elijah that made Garrett flinch so hard that lager splashed out of the can he was gripping.

  ‘I shoulda said it before, but I love you, E. You know that, yeah?’

  Elijah nodded and said, ‘Right back at you.’

  Garrett slammed down his can on the kitchen table and left.

  *

  The next day, Kelly had come around to Dave’s house to see Garrett and, when me, Wes and Zeke got back from an awkwardly wordless walk on the beach, they were holed up in the basement with the stereo system blaring. Kelly was ferrying food down there and every time she opened the door, epic clouds of weed smoke drifted out. Luckily, Dave was working, and Sephy had taken her camera on an all-day dolphin-watching boat trip.

  ‘He’s coming around,’ Kelly whispered, giving us a thumbs-up. ‘In another two, three years he should be totally fine with it.’

  ‘What’s he been saying?’ I asked.

  ‘He’s actually really upset. Granted, he’s acting like a complete knob — and, don’t worry, I’ve told him that — but he just can’t get his head around the idea that his own brother is gay and he didn’t know.’

  Wes looked over at Zeke and said, ‘You mad at me too?’

  ‘Gimme a break. How am I mad at my own brother? Don’t be such a douche.’

  ‘Did you never, like, suspect anything?’

  ‘Honestly, no. But this does explain a lot,’ Zeke said.

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Er, like the fact that you only ever had one serious girlfriend and she rode a Harley in the Hawaiian “Dykes on Bikes” parade.’

  ‘Yeah, Megan’s a cool chick. I guess our bicurious phases overlapped …’

  Suddenly the door to the basement swung open and Garrett stood in the doorway. He was unsteady on his feet.

  ‘I hate you for this,’ he said to Wes.

  Wes closed his eyes for a moment, his face pale and drawn. ‘I know. But I can’t help liking dudes. It’s just the way I am.’

  ‘I don’t care who you bang. It’s your dick. Do what you want with it. I mean, yeah, maybe I’d prefer it was in a chick for the sake of normal, but I don’t really wanna think about my brother having sex with anyone. It’d be gross, whatever. But all the lying and shit, I can’t get over that.’

  ‘I was gonna tell you. But, like, how? You said it: we watched a ton of porn …’

  Garrett shook his head and for a moment I thought he was going to cry. Kelly threaded her fingers through his, and Garrett stooped to kiss the top of her head.

  Zeke had gone quiet again too.

  ‘What about you, Zeke?’ Garrett said. ‘You OK with this?’

  ‘I’m not crazy about the fact Wes lied for so long, but I’m happy he’s finally being real with us. So when are you gonna tell Mom and Pa, Wes?’

  ‘Mom’s known since middle school.’

  ‘No way,’ Garrett said.

  Zeke looked really shocked and said, ‘Seriously? She never said anything, and she totally sucks at keeping secrets. Did she bust you making out with a dude?’

  ‘Um, I was eleven, so no. She found a picture of a half-naked actor under my pillow one day and she asked me straight out if I was crushing on boys.’

  ‘Who was the actor?’ I said, curiosity getting the better of me.

  ‘Vin Diesel.’

  ‘That tough guy from The Fast and the Furious?’ Zeke said.

  ‘Yeah. He was rocking the super-oily-Levi’s-with-no-shirt look.’

  Kelly chipped in with, ‘Vin Diesel? He is Elijah’s exact opposite!’

  ‘Again, I was eleven. My taste in guys has refined since then.’

  ‘Thank God,’ Garrett said, looking severe
ly grossed out. ‘Because that dude is like forty and bald.’

  ‘Hey, so is Kelly Slater,’ I said, ‘and he’s hot.’

  Zeke raised an eyebrow at me.

  ‘Well, he is,’ I said, and Zeke shrugged in a way that seemed to say ‘OK, maybe’.

  ‘Completely hot,’ Kelly confirmed. ‘His eyes are just … wow.’

  With the banter beginning to kick in, I really hoped they were going to be OK. I kissed Zeke goodbye, waved to Kelly and legged it across the beach to work.

  chapter thirty-two

  More and more I’d been thinking about Nanna and her relationship with the sea, and how it had lasted until her final breath. My mum once told me that, from the very first days of my life, she and my dad would take me to the beach whenever I was teething or sick, and the noise of the waves would soothe me. And if it was night-time or too cold to take me outside, they’d make the sound of the sea to calm me down, just ssshhhssshhhssshhh, and I’d stop crying and fall asleep in my dad’s arms.

  I was making a point of listening to the sound of the sea as Zeke and I were carrying our boards back up the beach. Then he surprised me by saying, ‘Wanna come to my apartment? I got the keys yesterday, and Garrett doesn’t move in until next week.’

  ‘I thought you said it was best if we, you know, avoided temptation and all that?’

  I turned my back to him so he could unzip my wetsuit. He did this slowly and he helped me pull my arms out, so that I could fold the suit down to my waist and peel it off, as for once I had a rash vest, board shorts and a bikini on underneath.

  ‘I dunno. I guess I was thinking we should forget that.’

  ‘Aren’t I supposed to be in strict training for the biggest day of my life next month?’

  Or maybe the biggest day of my life was today, I thought, feeling a rush of something in the pit of my stomach.

  Zeke turned around and I reached up to grab the zip of his suit, moving the wet blades of his hair that had grown longer and were starting to graze the top of his shoulders. The zip stuck a little and it took me a moment to loosen it and thread it down his back, the tanned skin opening up in a triangle beneath the wet rubber.

  My board clattered on top of Zeke’s and he turned round and held me in his arms. The strong arms that teeny-bopper surf groupies had been so eager to touch, just for a second, just to say they had.

  I decided right then. I was going back to his apartment.

  I was going to end up there eventually. Why couldn’t it be when I was crazy emotional and amped?

  ‘OK,’ I said to him. ‘I’ll come.’

  I texted my mum to say that I was staying over at Kelly’s.

  She was bound to be getting suspicious, but like she’d always said to me, she’d done her fair share of crazy stuff when she was a teenager and she didn’t have her mother hovering over her like a helicopter. My nan had trusted my mum’s instincts and, despite all appearances, my mum trusted mine.

  Zeke had bought a second-floor apartment in a brand-new development just off North Fistral. There were only seven apartments in the building and the architect had obviously gone for Californian beach-style, with massive windows, fancy cedar boarding and timber-decked terraces. It was the coolest building in the whole of Newquay.

  The apartment had its own front door and Zeke led me up a flight of stairs and into a bright and airy living room, empty apart from a mattress in plastic wrapping and three surfboards, which had been delivered the day before and were still zipped up in their soft silver covers.

  A huge kitchen was set off to one side, and on the island in the centre there was a vase of yellow roses and a bottle of champagne. Zeke walked over and plucked a small card off the granite worktop.

  ‘Don’t suppose that’s from Garrett,’ I said.

  He looked up and shook his head. ‘No, just the lady who sold me the apartment. Let’s crack this open, huh?’

  The cork rocketed out and hit the art deco light fitting, champagne fizzing over pristine floor tiles.

  ‘You have any glasses?’

  ‘Don’t think so.’

  ‘Swigging sesh, then.’

  I took a deep gulp of warm champagne and it fizzed up and out of my nose, leaving my eyes streaming. ‘Never had that before,’ I said, rubbing my face on my rash vest. ‘It’s kind of rank actually.’

  ‘Gets better the more you drink.’

  We walked into the living room, which didn’t even have a sofa. Zeke docked his iPod in the inbuilt surround-sound system and loaded An Awesome Wave by alt-J.

  ‘Love this album,’ I said. ‘Especially … “Tessellate” … is it called?’

  He nodded. ‘Garrett got me hooked on them. They look like these really goofy skinny guys, but, wow, their music is insane. I’ve been listening to “Dissolve Me” all week, like, on repeat.’

  He put on ‘Dissolve Me’ and the music hit us in small ripples at first, but then the song built in power — the speakers in Zeke’s new place so perfectly positioned that it sounded like the band was in the room with us.

  I sat down cross-legged in the pool of light by the window. Zeke stretched out on his back, his head resting on my thigh.

  ‘Are you, er, prepared?’ I said.

  ‘I swung by Garrett’s room earlier, yeah,’ he said.

  I remembered the glass jar on Garrett’s nightstand which was overflowing with condoms.

  ‘He won’t miss them?’

  ‘I doubt he keeps count.’

  ‘Cool.’

  ‘Uh, Iris?’

  ‘Yeah?’

  He looked over at the new mattress, lying on its side by the front door. ‘I don’t have a bed yet.’

  ‘Beds are for wimps,’ I said.

  He grinned, got up, tore the clear plastic off and dragged the mattress over to me, letting it fall to the ground with a thump.

  I crawled on to it and flaked out on my back. He was still standing and, as he looked down at me, I cocked my head to try to see him the right way up, though even from that weird angle he still looked totally sexy. Then he knelt and quickly kissed me upside down, which felt surprisingly nice. He walked around and rested on me, his knees either side of mine. I kept my eyes open, still not quite believing that this surf god was actually putting the moves on me; but there he was, his face bearing down on mine, his eyes sparkling with a hunger I recognized.

  This was it.

  As he kissed me, my body started to respond to his, my hips moving in a rhythm of their own. He pulled my vest over my head, and fumbled with the knotted draw-cords on my board shorts, which I slithered out of, leaving me in just my black bikini top and bottoms. He took off his T-shirt, so he was just in his boardies. Then he kissed me again, the feel of skin against skin upping the intensity.

  ‘Iris,’ he said, bringing me back to reality. ‘What are we doing here? Because if we keep at this, in about three seconds I’m gonna, umm, y’know, in your belly button.’

  ‘Sorry,’ I said, a bit embarrassed. ‘Maybe I was getting carried away there.’

  ‘Hell, I don’t mind. I just don’t want you to do anything you’re not ready for.’

  I thought about that for all of one second.

  ‘I’m ready.’

  ‘You sure?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You won’t be mad at me tomorrow?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Totally sure?’

  ‘For God’s sake! Yeah, I’m sure.’

  ‘Awesome,’ he said and gave me the most beautiful smile.

  chapter thirty-three

  I stayed the night at Zeke’s. In the end, I didn’t even lie about it to my mum. I rang her up and told her exactly where I was, and promised I’d keep my phone ringer on at all times.

  She wasn’t happy, but as she said: ‘I’m glad you’re being straight with me. I’d rather know you were safe with someone you trust, than drunk at a party with some opportunist sleazebag.’

  I put down the phone and smiled at Zeke.

 
In a luxury apartment with no furniture except a mattress was not how I’d imagined my first time would be. But then I never imagined I’d meet someone like Zeke.

  I thought it would hurt. Or that I’d be sore afterwards. But Zeke was really slow and patient and I was relaxed enough that my body didn’t tense up. I always thought surfing was the most intense experience a person could have. I was wrong.

  Zeke left at 5 a.m. to do circuits with his brothers on Great Western Beach and grab a morning surf. I lay by the window, curled up on the mattress with a silver surfboard cover for a sheet, and I watched the sun arc across the sky.

  Normally I would have gone with Zeke for a dawn workout, but I wanted some time alone, some quiet to adjust.

  I felt different, knew that if I looked in the mirror my face would be different.

  It was.

  Something in my eyes was new. Serious.

  It had been a trippy experience and I was really happy we’d done it, but I still had a lot buzzing around my head. After a couple of hours of chilling, I was ready to go surf it out.

  I was looking through the window at the break when I saw Daniel jogging down Headland Road. He must have sensed he was being watched, because he looked right up at Zeke’s window, and I could tell he recognized me.

  It wouldn’t take long for him to realize what had happened. I was standing in a four-hundred-grand beachside apartment that nobody from Newquay could possibly afford. Daniel would know it was Zeke’s and he’d know I’d stayed the night. What else would I be doing there at eight thirty in the morning?

  I strung up my bikini, and pulled my shorts and vest on.

  Then I ran down the stairs two at a time, flung open the front door and slammed it behind me.

  ‘Daniel!’ I called, but he didn’t look round. I only had flip-flops, so I couldn’t run properly and I wished I had a skateboard with me.

  I jogged behind Daniel all the way to Towan Headland. I knew where he was going. It was obvious from the moment I’d opened Zeke’s front door, when I’d heard the deep pounding.

  Finally, at the cliff-edge, Daniel turned to me. ‘You slept with him, didn’t you?’

  I didn’t have to answer that. He had no right to ask.

  ‘Yes,’ I said, because even if I hadn’t spoken the word, my face would have said it.