by Ko Hiratori
When I made a sweaty return and showed off the marijuana to Haru, who was doing laundry out behind the brothel, she said something nutty.
Panties? What is she talking about?
“Look, there’s a picture of the leaf on the detergent container, even. If you take it to the manufacturer, they’ll process it for you. It’s cheaper than buying it premade.”
“Wait, you gotta be shitting me. It’s just soap? I busted my ass gathering this in the hot sun! I wrote an underworld theme song! No fair.”
“That’s not my problem. More importantly, I can have this, right? I’ll share it with everyone. You really did us a favor. Love flavor!”
With that fucking irritating rhyme, Haru took the boldgrass previously known as marijuana.
I couldn’t believe it. What an absurd other world this is. Why use marijuana on underwear? Is this airport customs?
Agh. Nothing goes my way in this world. What does it even exist for?
Should I just go home, rub one out, and sleep?Just as I was thinking that, I sensed a presence and stopped in my tracks.How long has that thing been there?
A mystery creature was eating the boldgrass leaves I’d dropped with what seemed like its mouth. I got into combat stance out of habit, but the creature didn’t look up from the grass. It just kept rubbing itself on the ground, munching.
It was weird to call it a creature, but it was too odd-looking to be a demon. It was far enough beyond comprehension to give even a seasoned adventurer like myself pause, yet its shape was quite familiar.
I drew my sword and poked at it. It gave a thin little cry like an insect and wriggled around on the ground. It was about the size of a big puppy and not scary at all. On the contrary, its form even inspired affinity and affection.
It was a virgin monster.
Mama Lupe had told me of these legendary creatures that inhabit the depths of the forest. But this one seemed sadder than the ones in the stories. It left nothing to the imagination.
Did it follow the scent of the boldgrass? In other words, did I accidentally bring it here?
That would be bad. It’s a crime to bring live monsters into the city. On paper, anyhow.
It’s prohibited, but I’d heard about them being traded on the black market.
That is, I figured this was another chance to strike it rich. I could just sell this funny creature.
Then first things first: I had to get it out of there. Haru would be back. I gingerly scooped it up. The warmth and softness made it feel insanely like the real thing.
Holding it up to my crotch was a total riot.Meh-heh-heh. How stupid.
Then, still holding the monster there, I locked eyes with a girl who poked her head out of the shed.
“What a gigantic dick!”
That was how she and I met.
She was so curious about the virgin monster that she wouldn’t leave me alone. When I told her I’d be in trouble if it was found, she said we should hide it and led me into the dilapidated shed.
“I have things I want to hide, too, so I come here a lot. I love animals, but I’m not allowed to have pets in my room, so I used to keep them here. There’s alcohol and whatever, but in the back it’s all stuff that never gets used, so you can hide anything.”
She boasted that it was usually locked, so she went in and out by squeezing through a wall. That’s great, and also when she went in ahead of me, I could see her panties.Thanks for that.
“If Dick doesn’t have anywhere to go, let’s keep him here. I’ll take care of him.”
She beamed as she stroked the thing.She really does seem to like animals, but sorry, this is my catch. I have no intention of giving him away.
“Nah, I can keep him at my house, so it’s fine. Once there’s no one around, I’ll take him home.”
“Huh?” She glared at me with her eyes and their big long lashes.
Wait a sec.She was actually kinda cute—although her attitude and that mouth seemed hard to deal with—maybe she wasn’t my type after all. And she would overlap with Haru, anyhow.
“But hey, this is a creature from the forest right? Isn’t it illegal or something to bring them back here alive? I could report him...”
“Uh, but, there are black markets and things...”
“You’re a customer here, aren’t you? And you’re one ofthose, right? You seem like one of Lupe’s. Yeah, I bet you call her Mama. Am I wrong?”
I gulped.Can you really tell that by looking? What is it we all have in common?
She grinned and leaned toward me. She was suddenly so close that I panicked a bit and pulled away.
“Maybe I should tell Lupe. She hates this sort of thing.”
Seriously, nothing in this other world goes how I want it to.
Well, whatever. It’s not like I hate cute animals or anything.Opinions would probably split on whether this guy is cute or not, but it was hard to think of him as some rando when he looked so familiar.
“My name is Endless Crimson Rain. Let’s keep this guy as a shared asset between us.”
“I’m Kizuha, a prostitute here. Nice to meet you.”
Her sales must be so low. She’s got a rotten personality, and she’s not ladylike at all. She’s nothing compared to Mama Lupe.
“And nice to meet you, Dick.”
“Hold up. You’ve been calling him that this whole time, but I haven’t named him yet, you know. And honestly, I don’t much care for girls talking that way.”
“But it’s a dick.”
“No, no, it just looks totally like one; it’s its own animal. That’s definitely not its identity. If we’re going to name him, it should be something cool like Rusty Crimson Nail.”
“Dick’s better.”
“‘Dick, Dick, Dick’—can you cut it out? I told you not to talk like that.”
Her silly, immodest attitude reminded me of Haru, and even though we were meeting for the first time, she chatted so casually.
But when I raised my voice and scolded her, she flinched and shut her eyes. Did she think I was going to hit her? There are definitely customers like that at the brothel.
“...I mean, Dick is fine, I guess.”
Mama Lupe tells me to be nice to girls. She also gives me homework, like to think about why Kiyori wanted to put some distance between us (I know she’s still into me, but anyhow).
Basically, the girls in this world are naive. They seem to think men are violence machines. But that’s just not true.
“Yeah. Dick is fine. No matter how you look at him, he’s a dick.”
“Yup!”
But hmm, maybe if I’m nice to this girl I can get an event flag to pop up. Not that I would be happy about that or anything.
I triggered an event. Along a pain-in-the-ass route. And going back was not an option.
“Did you do something to Dick? He’s all floppy and won’t perk up no matter how much I rub him.”
“Well, I thought he might get sick of boldgrass detergent all the time, so I sprinkled some tea leaves for him.”
“You randomly changed his food? You can’t give him something he hates! He knows what he likes, so just go with it! Poor Dick. Do you need some kisses?”
“Mm, isn’t the name Dick kind of insane? Your pampering of him is fantastically awkward...”
“Are you still going on about that? Dick is Dick. Don’t make weird complaints about my baby.”
“Excuse me, but Dick is my dick. Don’t put your mouth on other people’s belongings. You have to ask, like, ‘Please let me suck it.’”
“What the hell, you stupid virgin. Dick is mine! I’m not letting you touch my dick. I’ll be the one to service him.”
“Whoa, whoa, did you just say ‘service’? Did you just say you would service my dick? That’s not funny. I mean, if you actually would, well, no—that’s no joke! Gimme my dick back!”
“Nom!”
“Owwww!”
She bit me! My hand, I mean. When I reached to take Dick back she bit me s
o hard she left marks.
“I told you not to touch my Dick!”
This girl is crazy. Who knows what could make her snap? I’m officially turned off.
She was all agitated and breathing hard, so I moved away from her a bit and sat down. We wouldn’t get anywhere if I didn’t wait until she chilled out.
Some people are like that—can’t control their emotions. They go berserk the moment something doesn’t go their way. They only think about themselves and are incapable of considering anyone else’s feelings. I totally know someone like that.Who was it?
I really got involved with a weird lady this time. I triggered a pain-in-the-ass event. Well, my level-90 flesh would heal from a woman’s teeth marks in no time, but it still hurt.I’m pretty sure I’m allowed to be mad in this situation.
“Ahhh, phoo...” I had to take care not to get her agitated.
It was my fault for being nice to her when we first met. I shouldn’t have had anything to do with her. I never imagined she would be so violent. She’s an ogre. Like an ogre princess.
“...Do you want some, too?”
Maybe she had calmed down after being quiet for a little while? She came closer—with a look on her face like she hadn’t flown off the handle and bit me mere moments ago.
She took a drink from one of the flasks she had hidden in the back of the shed with Dick.
“If you drink this, your head’ll get all floaty. You’ll have more fun. I really can’t survive without it.”
There was a liquid like blood smeared at the corners of her mouth. She was always drinking this stuff like red wine.
Is she an alcoholic?!I didn’t have any interest in drinking that stuff. I’d seen my parents drunk.
“Hoo-hoo-hoo!” Kizuha got awfully cheerful and scooted over to me, still holding Dick. She smelled weird. “You’ve never heard of it? It’s poppybat blood. It makes everything just the best. Although it’s bad if you mess up.”
I’d never heard that name before.Bat blood? There’s no way it can be okay for people to drink that. Well, I’m sure it’s a brand name, anyhow...
“If you drink this and then do it, it feels so good. You have no idea.”
But the atmosphere was getting weird. Even a dense protagonist like me could tell something was up.
Is it...?
“If anybody finds it I’ll be arrested, so I hide it here.”
So drugsdoexist here!
This other world is always coming to subtly crush my schemes. I feel like it’s always one step ahead of me. Or maybe my thought process is just that similar to God’s?
“How about it? Wanna try?”
“Uh, I mean, it seems a little scary...”
“You’ll be fine if you just do a little at a time. Everyone has an amount that’s right for them, so you just stick with that. Of course, it goes up the more you use it...”
“Mmm, nah. I’ll pass. I don’t think that kind of stuff is good for you. I once aspired to be a drug lord, so take it from me: There’s a line that shouldn’t be crossed. Why don’t you quit, too?”
Kizuha smiled at me with glazed over eyes, took a sip, and leaned in.
Just as I was thinking,Whoa, whoa, is she gonna kiss me?!,she locked her lips with mine and sprayed the blood down my throat.
It was my first time doing drugs, my first trip. It was definitely off the wall.
The smell of blood. The taste of iron.
I was pulled into a very specific flashback.
*
{T minus 00:00:05 to being transported to another world}
“Koyama!”
The sudden shout startled me, and I looked up.
The smell had changed, and there was more noise. The colors were different.
The world was completely different.
Huh?
No way.
As I stood there in shock, someone shoved me from behind.
{T minus 00:00:04 to being transported to another world}
I lost my balance and saw the pavement. And my sneakers. And my school uniform pants. And my heavy bag.
That’s why I was thinking,No way!
Baseball Mob and Sekiguchi collided before my eyes. They fell. A black liquid fizzed on the asphalt. That nasty cola. Warm carbonation.
The flood of memories made my brain shriek,Run!
The truck had to be coming up behind us.
{T minus 00:00:03 to being transported to another world}
I planted a foot on Baseball Mob and took off running. I knew which way to go.
It was exactly the same as back then. They say you have weird dreams when you trip on dangerous drugs, but I never would have guessed it would be this one.
I ran and ran toward long-haired Haru, who still had the last name Koyama.
{T minus 00:00:02 to being transported to another world}
“Koyamaaa!” I got goosebumps. The memory was being recreated perfectly.
No, this is a dream. It’s because of Kizuha’s weird drug. Of all the things to remember, it had to be this? Ugh.
I started to sweat. After this, we would be sent to another world. That was fine. I wanted to go.
But that one moment was just the worst.
Haru is about to turn around. And I’ll lose all hope in this world.
{T minus 00:00:01 to being transported to another world}
Who’s this guy, again?
That’s what her face seemed to say when she looked at me.
It was the first time in my life that Haru Koyama noticed me.
We’d been in the same classroom for so long. I knew you. In the year and change since we’d started high school, I’d watched you from afar so many times.
But you’re going to sleep with me. Andyou’regoing to be the one to askme.
That’s the kind of world we’re about to go to. That’s what you get!
*
“Wake up!”
Someone slapped me with all their might. When I opened my eyes, Kizuha was on top of me.
With my empty head, I felt like Kizuha really did have one hell of a nice face. Plus the shape of her boobs, her butt—everything.
“Ahh, you freaked me out. You collapsed and your heart even stopped. I thought you were dead!”
“Huh, seriously? I was tripping that hard?”
Nothing was wrong with my body. My mind was clear. I just felt like I had taken a nap. I’d never been in suspended animation before, but nothing seemed off.
But.
“How was it? Did it feel good?”
“Nope, just as awful as I figured. I had a dream I didn’t want to have. Or maybe you could say I met a shitty version of myself...”
Come to think of it, that whole day was awful from start to finish. Even if what was waiting for me at the end was an other-world tour, it couldn’t cancel out everything else that had happened.
I never want to go back to that world.
“Hmm... Maybe it wasn’t enough. Wanna do a little more?”
“Nope, I’m fine. Definitely not doing that again.”
What was that stuff in the first place? It tasted and smelled like blood, but it was different somehow.
I knew that taste. It was the taste of switching worlds. Too creepy, right?
And if Kizuha was telling the truth, it was like I died while I was tripping.
Who would keep drinking stuff like that? I’m the kind of man who doesn’t even mess with Takoyaki Roulette at karaoke. I can’t understand playing games that involve mixing edibles and risk.
“Mm...”
A warm mouth covered mine.
But I said I wasn’t drinking any more!
*
{T minus 00:00:05 to being transported to another world}
“Koya—!”
“Kizuhaaaa!” I screamed at a volume no less than Sekiguchi’s.
The truck’s wheels squealed as it tilted on the straight road.
Someone shoved me from behind, and I tripped.
Quit screwin’
around, Baseball Mob.
{T minus 00:00:04 to being transported to another world}
This time when Baseball Mob and Sekiguchi fell I laughed my ass off like I was watching a goofy video.
But could it be that if those two had been a bit more calm and could see what was happening, Haru and I wouldn’t have ended up in another world?
When that hit me, I couldn’t laugh anymore. No other choice but to run, huh?
{T minus 00:00:03 to being transported to another world}
I stepped on Baseball Mob and Sekiguchi—one, two—and went sprinting toward Haru. Since it was my third time, I had a groove.But if I hadn’t run like this, could it be that she wouldn’t have been caught up in the accident? Could she have stayed in this world?
Or maybe I wouldn’t have gotten to go?
Stuff like that came to mind, too.
{T minus 00:00:02 to being transported to another world}
I didn’t call her name here.
There was no point. She didn’t know who I was.
The past doesn’t change. This was nothing but an other-world dream caused by an other-world drug. So I just ran.
{T minus 00:00:01 to being transported to another world}
Haru is about to turn around. Oh yeah, her face back then was a little pudgier, more babyish.
How long ago is this, anyhow? Have we been in the other world for a year already?
If I had a mirror right now, would my face look different, too?
Who’s this guy, again?
Maybe I would make that face too if I saw my face right now.
*
“Oh, you’re up.”
I woke up from the dream on the brink of death and returned to the world.
Kizuha was petting Dick and sipping blood.
I felt like something of mine had been eaten. Well, that didn’t matter.
“You gotta stop messing with me! I told you twice, I don’t want to drink it!”