by J. K Harper
He pulled in a breath through his nose and frowned. Glancing down for second before he looked back into her eyes, he admitted, "Not that well. I got a sanction."
Jordyn's eyes widened. "What? What happened?" She kept her voice low, as did Tanner. If humans nearby might overhear them, it might sound like they were just fighting talking about regular fights, like MMA or boxing. Even so, all wolf shifters had had it deeply ingrained in them to never, ever speak about the existence of shifters near human ears. Cautious doublespeak was common among shifters when around humans, but they were always careful with what they said regardless.
Tanner stepped away from her, leaving her slightly chilled at his absence. Glancing out the window at the rainy day, his voice was controlled when he answered. "I half-shifted in the middle of it. Lunged for the guy with my canines out.” He shrugged in irritated acceptance of his actions. “Referee slammed my ass to the ground, give me a sanction, then let me up so I could finish the job unshifted."
He looked back at Jordyn, the familiar bravado showing in his stance and words. "After the sanction, I played by the rules. I won that fight fair and square. But," he paused.
Folding her arms across her chest, Jordyn asked in an arch tone, "But what?" She knew his bravado covered the hefty dose of guilt he carried with him each day of his life for having survived the rogue attacks. She understood that, and let it go. But she wasn't about to let him slide on sharing all the details of last night's fight with her. Half-shifting during a fight was not who he was.
She worried it meant that he was getting more out of control with his own anger at the tragedy of his puphood.
Taking a deep breath, stretching his arms out to the side and behind as he shook out the kinks she knew could happen during a long shift in the firehouse without calls, he didn't answer for several moments. "But, the sanction is countrywide. I'm restricted to the lower tier fights for the rest of the calendar year. That includes in Dallas, course."
Jordyn let a heavy pause stretch between them before simply saying, "I see." At her tone, he flicked a sharp glance at her, but she turned back to the supply closet and blindly busied her hands on whatever was on the shelf closest to her.
He liked to cover up the things he didn't want to look at with his bravado. She covered up her own fears, those born of a general wariness toward men after her past disastrous relationships as well as the legitimate pain of knowing she was losing Tanner, with an icy tone and even icier face. It had earned her the nickname "Ice Princess" when she first started working here as an EMT several years ago. Her relationship with Tanner, though, finally made it very clear to all the guys here that her nickname wasn't apt. She had no problems letting them think that Tanner was simply a magic man with the ladies and she was just the latest to fall for his charms. To soften for him.
Have you thought about just telling him you'll go to Dallas with him? Lia's honest question drifted through her mind again, punctuated by her wolf's ardent agreement.
Go with Tanner, her wolf urged. Follow mate.
And have him turn into a male version of an ice princess? Have him freeze me out and send me running back to Durango with my tail between my legs? No way, she thought back. Because he would do that. He's not ready for anything more. And neither am I, she tried to add in as convincing a tone she could muster.
Even to her ears, she sounded weak and mournful. Disgusted, her wolf lifted her lip in an irritated snarl, turned her back on Jordyn, and retreated to the corner of her mind. But not one too far away. Not while Tanner was actually here.
Behind her, Tanner blew out a rough sigh. She softened a bit. He had to be pissed with himself for losing control that way. And it was somewhat her fault for not being there. Suddenly feeling a little contrite, she turned back to him. "I'm really sorry I couldn't be there. Maybe if I had been, you would have been able to control yourself better."
Tires whined on the wet pavement of the street outside the window. Almost immediately, Tanner shook his dark head at her. "No way, Jordyn. I take responsibility for that. Yes, you definitely keep me centered. I can admit that."
Something deep and longing filled the brief pause after he said that. They looked at one another, unmoving. Frowning slightly, Tanner slowly went on, "But you're not responsible for me, babe. You're not responsible for saving me. For making me a better man. Chasing away my ghosts. That's not on you." His voice was soft as he spoke that last sentence.
The utterly raw, honest words shocked the hell out of her. Apparently they startled him as well, to judge by the bright flare of his eyes that indicated his wolf hovered just beneath the surface. Jordyn's own wolf leapt up from the back corner of her mind and peered out of Jordyn's eyes as well, which she knew had to be close to glowing right now. Far brighter than her usual shade.
She had no idea how to respond to what he just said. Apparently, that wouldn't be necessary. Tanner followed up with a far more typical casual statement, bringing the conversation back around to less treacherous depths. "Look, that's another reason for me to go to figure out stuff on my own. I'll be on my own in Dallas. Maybe I'll finally get my head on straight."
Jordyn nodded, feeling her pulse thump in her throat. Of course. See? This is why I can't go to Dallas. He doesn't want me there. Or anyone who might get close to him.
Needs someone who cares about him, her wolf insisted, restlessly pacing Jordyn's mind even as she stared at Tanner. Needs family near him.
This was dangerous territory still. But before Jordyn could change the subject, Tanner did it for her. “I came to find you to ask if you'd come check out a burn site with me. One from the other day I wanted to get to before all this rain.” He glared out the window, the muted light from outside catching on his hair and lending it deep bronze hues. “But it's better than not going at all. We still might pick something up.”
Taking a deep breath to settle herself, Jordyn nodded. That would be good. An activity they often did together. “Sure. Let's go.”
Twenty minutes later, Tanner prowled through the blackened debris, all of which was still cordoned off with the bright yellow do not cross police line tape. Nerves tickled at Jordyn as she carefully followed him around the ruin of what had been someone's home. It wasn't as if they were completely barred from being here. Tanner was on the fire department, Jordyn technically was as well. Besides, with their two noses, enhanced even in human form, they had the possibility of smelling or seeing something that the human investigators had missed earlier. This family had died under suspicious circumstances. What had been initially suspected to be a simple grease fire from the home's kitchen had been shown to have a burn pattern that wasn't natural. But at this point investigators were stumped. They had no leads. If Tanner and Jordyn could come up with anything at all, their being here right now would be brushed aside.
"There." Tanner strode to a corner of what had been the house. "Can you smell that over here? It's just a whiff, hard to pick up under the smells of the smoke and everything else. But I think I'm catching something that doesn't belong."
Carefully, Jordyn went to where he indicated and sniffed deeply. Though the rain had abated, it had already washed away most of the scents. She couldn't smell anything that didn't belong. Shaking her head, she began, "No, nothing—wait a minute." The faintest whiff of something chemical and unpleasant tickled at her ultra-sensitive nose. She wrinkled it even as her wolf also curled her lip back in her mind.
Tanner waited, a grim set to his mouth.
"You're right,” Jordyn said, taking another long inhale to catch the bare remnants of the nasty scent. “What is it?"
Tanner, now crouched down on his heels and peering closely at the sodden, blackened beams of timber, gave a grim shake of his head. "Accelerant. Some son of a bitch deliberately started a fire so this family would burn to death well they were sleeping."
There was a stark silence broken only by the sounds of water dripping off the blackened tips of pine branches that once had made up a pleasant backyar
d for the mountain home that had burned. Jordyn could sense the equally jagged shards of pain and fury throbbing out from Tanner almost as if they were tangible. She tried to stay calm and cool, the way she did during his fights so she could lend him some clarity. However, she too was bitten by rage and horror.
"What drives people to do this kind of thing?" she murmured, more to herself than for an answer. "Humans, I mean. I know why the rogues did it," she added without thinking.
Tanner rounded on her so quickly her wolf stumbled back in her mind even as Jordyn rocked back on her feet. "And why the hell did the rogues do what they did?"
His voice held a tinge of the white rage she saw in him sometimes. She was never afraid of him, though, even when he startled her. Tanner wasn't angry at her, even though she had been careless to voice her thoughts. Quietly, she said, "The rogues were desperate. They were also packless, which led to a breaking down of reason and kept them more on the side of base instincts. Not to mention they were the vicious, worst dregs of our society. You know that, Tanner."
She kept a firm gaze on him, willing calmness to flood from her toward him. Sure, she might not be responsible for his actions and emotions, but it didn't mean she couldn't do what came naturally to her. "There's a reason rogues are sometimes just put down. As for humans?" She blew out a sigh edged with sorrow as she gestured around the pitiful remains of what had been people's lives. "I guess it just means they can be as insane as any rogue wolf."
Tanner jerked his head in a nod, some of the stark fury leaving him. But then he added in a low tone, looking back down at the spot where the faint unpleasant odor lingered, "That's another reason I'm leaving, babe. I can't go through that kind of thing again."
She blinked in surprise. Well, now. Twice in one day. Seemed her iceman was cracking a bit.
"Anyway," he said brusquely, rising to his feet. "I'll tell Zach. He'll tell the investigative team. It'll give them something more to go on."
Jordyn nodded. Zach was actually actively working towards being an arson investigator, and his word would be taken a little more seriously than Tanner's. "He'll be mad that he didn't pick it up when he was out here." She smiled. Tanner and Zach had one of those competitive good buds thing going on that she suspected had endured since they were pups together. It was one of the things she had hoped would keep Tanner here.
Tanner snorted. "Yeah. He'll just have to own up to the indisputable fact that my nose is far superior to his.”
Jordyn laughed, then scanned the burned-out ruin again. Slipping a quick glance at Tanner, she wondered for the thousandth time how he could handle seeing sights like this given his childhood history. She knew the answer to that immediately, of course. He let his anger carry him. His desire to avenge all others so similarly harmed. There was no literal revenge to be had, since all the rogues responsible for the loss of his original home pack had been killed many years before. Yet the demons of memory still haunted him. Her wolf whining softly in her mind, she slowly pivoted in a circle, looking over the charred remains of land on which the home had once stood.
Something small and bright glinted in a quick flash from the midst of a pile of debris. Her wolf-sharpened eyesight focused on it, and she let her wolf look through her eyes for the added acuity. "Tanner." Her suddenly sharp tone of voice to his attention. "What's that?" She pointed.
Instantly, Tanner headed for the bright glint. Once again crouching down, he peered for a long moment. Finally, he yanked out a pair of latex gloves from his pocket and snapped them over his hands. Picking up a small item, he closely examined it. The stony lines of his face spread into a smile. Standing up, closing his hand around the object, he strode back over to Jordyn.
"Another piece of evidence. Damn, Jordyn. We make a good team."
He swept her into an abrupt, brain-melting kiss. Startled both by what he'd said as well as the unexpected gift of feeling his lips against hers, she melted herself against him again for long moments. She only had so many of his kisses left. She wanted to enjoy every single one of them.
Long, heady moments later, Tanner slowly loosened his grasp on her. Pulling away just far enough that they could gaze into one another's faces without going cross-eyed, she thought she saw the shadows of regret briefly slip over his expression.
"We do make a good team." His voice was low. "You know that as well as I do. And I know," he added, his voice simultaneously wary yet sure, "that you feel the same way."
A faint breeze stirred the damp charcoal dust, sending its acrid scent to both of them.
Shutting his eyes, leaning his head against hers, Tanner gently stroked the back of Jordyn's neck with his fingers. "But you and I are too alike." True regret framed his words. "We've both been hurt in different ways. Neither one of us wants to risk it again. I honestly believe you and I both genuinely care for one another enough to not want to do that. Am I right?"
His last words were harsh. Yet the truth in them resonated through her as well, despite her wolf's howling. It was all he had to give.
The brutal truth was, it was all she had to give, too.
Simply nodding against his head, closing her own eyes, she squeezed her arms around him. They stood there, together, the dank breeze beginning to threaten more rain. After several more heartbeats, Tanner pressed a kiss against her forehead, then pulled away to head back toward the truck. "Come on, she-wolf. Let's get back so we can tell Zach about this evidence. At least one good thing can come out of this day."
Taking a few deep breaths to center herself, feeling her wolf's mournful acceptance of the truth of Jordyn's own brokenness when faced with Tanner's brokenness, she followed him back. They returned to town in silence, the whole time during which she bit the inside of her cheek raw to banish the tears that wanted to flood out.
Chapter Six
Merely a week later, and Tanner was losing his mind. Without the fights, all he had to keep the raging demons at bay were fighting fires—and spending every other available free minute with Jordyn. Without this woman, he thought as he looked into her soft brown eyes right now, he would have fallen over the edge already.
Need her. Need balance. Need mate. His wolf's tone had begun to turn implacable lately. As if Tanner's wilder side was done putting up with his more rational side.
No mates. And I'm with her now, Tanner muttered back, his body already sizzling in anticipation of the next few hours. They'd had dinner together earlier and were back in Jordyn's little apartment.
Must be with her always, his wolf insisted. Must be with mate always.
Not my mate. And just being here with her for now is good enough. It has to be. Tanner held onto the thought despite the hollow ache inside.
Pushing it aside, he focused on the woman and the moment. Right now, his world was narrowing to her and her alone.
"Come here," he said. He heard the low timbre of his wolf's voice growled through his voice as he spoke.
Jordyn's eyes darkened as a slow, sensual smile played on those lips of hers that he loved feasting on. "Oh, is it going to be like that?" her voice teased back in a deep, sultry register, although he heard the slight flicker of pain race through it as well. Feeling something wrench deep inside him, he simply nodded, opening his arms. She stepped toward him, into his embrace.
"Yes," he murmured back, letting the sweet need of arousal that was always just banked stirring into bright flames in her presence. "I want to taste you, touch you, travel every inch of your body, Jordyn. I need to carry the memory of you etched into my skin."
He felt her swallow, then her head nodded against his neck. "Yes," she whispered. "Me, too." She began kissing his neck, trailing her lips along his skin like hot brands.
Tanner tipped his head back, exposing his neck to her and letting her kiss and nibble and lick at it. He bared himself to her that way. Made himself vulnerable to her. He would let everything drop away and allow her in.
It still didn't mean he could be good for her. Not forever.
Inside,
his wolf said with increasing firmness, She is mine. Mine always.
Jordyn gently kissed her way down his neck and over his collarbones, the top of his chest. Her hands light but quick, she began unbuttoning his top, letting her fingers swirl over his pecs and then his hard nipples as she went. This time he sucked in a loud gasp, letting her name groan past his lips. He felt her smile where she kissed him, and she unbuttoned the last button and gently shrugged his shirt off his shoulders. He tugged it past his hands, blindly throwing behind him to the floor. Holding her tight and close, he let his hands travel down over the silky shirt she wore. Fingers coming to the sweet swell of her hips, the soft roundness of her ass, he stroked and squeezed, eliciting her own gasps that rippled throughout the room.
Quickly, he shucked off his pants and kicked them aside so that he was fully naked. Then he growled, "My turn to lead, gorgeous." With that, he abruptly hoisted her into his arms. She gasped again, her dark eyes locking on his as she twined her hands behind his neck. Not looking away from him as he strode over to her bed, she felt entirely relaxed in his arms. Just as trusting and vulnerable with him as he was with her.
Pushing aside the ache that centered in his chest and swept through his body, he focused on the excitement of knowing that within moments, her beautifully naked body would be beside his. Gently, he lowered her to the bed, then reached for her clothes, intending to tear them from her.
But she shook her head with a smile, hands going to her own buttons. "Let me do it." Her voice was deep. Roughened with the sound of her own wolf and desire. "Let me strip them off so you can watch."
Breath stuttering out as the flames of arousal intensified in him, Tanner just nodded. She slowly unbuttoned the flattering rose-colored blouse he'd so admired during dinner, letting her gaze travel over his naked body as she stripped. Smiling again, letting her tongue dip out the corner of her mouth, which made his already heavy cock tighten even more, she drank in the sight of his body from tip to toe and back again. Looking back into his eyes, she finished unbuttoning her blouse and let it slip off her shoulders to land in a silky puddle beside her on the bed. "If you know how much it turns me on to see you watching me like that while I do this..." Her voice trailed off as she spoke, although her breathing had increased.