Bless This Love

by S M Mala

  ‘I’ll go.’ Suri closed her eyes and gulped back her tears, wiping her face quickly; trying to unsuccessfully hide her utter despair. ‘I hope you find someone you can be happy with. I’m sorry it can’t be me.’ Then she hesitated. ‘I am desperately in love with you. I thought you felt the same; I really did.’

  All she saw was him nod his head.

  Joe didn’t love her, and she wanted to fall on the floor and cry.

  ‘Thank you for spending time with me. It was wonderful.’ Then she started to cry, and she saw him shake his head in his hands, probably wanting her to go away. ‘My period came, so you’ve got nothing to worry about, like getting stuck with me. I’ll keep out of your way from now on.’

  Standing up quickly, she wanted to touch him but knew he’d want her to leave, just as he did the last time she saw him.

  Suri reached out her hand and gently stroked the back of his head, letting out a little sob. He touched her hand gently before pulling away.

  Joe didn’t move. She couldn’t see his face as Suri looked at the angel in the glass and knew she never looked over her.

  It was just a picture.

  Nothing more, nothing less.

  She was all alone.

  Suri turned and ran out of the church, sobbing her heart out. In the background, she heard the busker playing on his harmonica. It’s as if he knew her pain.

  He played ‘You are the sunshine of my life’.

  But that was no longer the truth as the sun had gone out of her life.

  Her legs wouldn’t stop as they pounded the ground.

  Run was all she could do.

  Away from the heart break of knowing he didn’t love her the same way she loved him.

  The church was never a place she liked to be in. Always something sad happened there.

  And this time, she had her heart broken by a Vicar.

  That church and her weren’t made for each other.

  But she thought Joe was.

  It was always going to be impossible, and now she knew why.

  He never loved her.

  The Vicar was just being kind to someone in need.

  Someone who needed his love.

  ‘No one will be there.’

  Jack was sitting in her living room the following Thursday evening. He had called her, wanting to meet. ‘I’d love you to sing.’

  ‘I can’t go back in the church,’ she said, biting her lip hard. ‘Not now or ever, and especially for a remembrance where they won’t be remembering the person who needs to be remembered.’

  ‘You’ve lost me but I know what you’re talking about.’

  ‘Three weeks on Saturday, Janet Peters can lord it up about her grief. Felicity killed Rory. She took everything away from me.’

  There was a heavy silence in the room as she sipped her wine.

  ‘He thinks he’s doing the right thing.’ She looked at Jack, knowing he would have heard about the split. ‘I mean, cavorting on a Monday afternoon.’

  ‘He had the day off.’

  ‘But Janet Peters walking in? What was he thinking?’ sighed Jack, before grinning. ‘I laughed when I heard he told her he wasn’t a monk.’ Then his smile slipped. ‘You don’t look too good.’

  ‘I’m fine.’

  That was far from the truth. It had been an awful week for her.

  She couldn’t concentrate on work and spent most of her spare time crying her eyes out. Her cover was that she was feeling unwell, and she’d taken a few days off on the pretence she had gastroenteritis.

  Denise wouldn’t have given her sick pay for a broken heart. The woman would have paid to make it a more realistic one with an axe.

  And all the time the scene in the church kept going around and around in her head. What she said; what he said, and the outcome.

  ‘Joe says he hasn’t seen you in the park,’ Jack continued. ‘I expect you’re keeping out of his way.’

  ‘I’m not going to the gym,’ she lied. ‘He’s the one that doesn’t want to see me, so it’s best to make sure he doesn’t.’

  Suri was still going but took another route home, avoiding going past the green.

  Half of her desperately wanted to see him, and the other half knew it would hurt her too much. Even seeing the church crumbled her already battered and bruised heart.

  ‘You know the summer fete’s in a couple of weeks. I always look forward to you working in the Pimms tent.’

  ‘I won’t be helping this year. I don’t think it’s a wise move. If they’re planning the fete and this remembrance thing, my face is the last thing Janet Peters wants to see. And if I'm honest, so is hers.’

  ‘My darling child,’ he said, grimacing. ‘This is a little blip. I’m sure when he sees reason, he’ll-.’

  ‘Joe didn’t love me, and he thinks if people knew about us, his cards were marked. I’d never be good enough for him to hold his head up high and be proud of.’

  ‘That’s not true,’ mumbled Jack, sipping his glass of wine.

  ‘He ended it in his house of worship. It was hard going considering what happened the last time I was there.’

  ‘I know. It was horrible. I’ve not forgotten, you know.’ Tears sprang to Jack’s eyes. ‘You went through a lot. Did you ever tell your mum?’

  ‘No-one other than Naomi and you know about it. Why do I lose things in and around that church?’

  ‘That’s not true. You need to be part of this remembrance. It’s for you as well as everyone else.’

  ‘I don’t want to remember what I’ve lost. The list is getting longer and longer.’

  ‘For me? Sing just for me? When they’ve all gone, you can come to church, and I’ll lock the doors. No-one will know. You can pay your respects and grieve.’

  ‘I grieved.’

  ‘Not enough.’ he asked, glancing at her case by the table. ‘Where are you off to? Anywhere nice?’

  ‘I’ve got to go to a conference in Leeds tomorrow. I don’t want to, but I’ve been told I can’t say no.’

  ‘Away from Joe?’

  ‘That’s permanent.’ Suri looked at the kindly face which seemed perplexed on what to do. ‘It’s for the best.’

  ‘He’s very unhappy. He started singing ‘Ain’t no sunshine,’ by Bill Withers on Sunday. Most of the congregation were in tears, including his new gay following. Even I broke down seeing them cry. Oh, Suri, I don’t think he knows what he’s doing. That thing with the married woman, it was her husband that put the complaint in.’

  Right now, she didn’t want to hear about Joe.

  ‘It was his decision. There’s no turning back.’

  ‘You’ll come to church and sing for me? Just me and you, remembering the people you’ve lost. I’ll even accompany you on the organ.’

  She burst out laughing.

  ‘Is that an incentive?’ she sighed, after not laughing for a week. ‘Have you heard yourself play? The tune of Chopsticks doesn’t relate to all songs.’

  ‘Go and speak to Joe. See if you can sort this out. It’s a knee jerk reaction.’

  The laughter stopped.

  ‘I’m not good enough for him. I don’t know who I was trying to kid.’ She got a bottle of red and topped up his glass.

  ‘And this weekend you’re going away. Is there anyone you know going?’

  ‘Ted, unfortunately. I’m going to do my job and lock myself in my room.’

  ‘Suri, you know Joe likes you so very much. Don’t go doing anything stupid to prove a point.’

  ‘What point?’ she shrugged, sitting down opposite Jack. ‘He’s the first man, since Rory, who I thought really cared. I think that must be a Vicar thing.’

  ‘That’s not fair,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘We do care.’

  ‘He cares about what others think, and if that’s what he’s like, I’m better off on my own.’

  ‘You see, I disagree.’

  ‘Can you leave me alone?’

  Suri was standing against her hotel door as Ted knocked for t
he umpteenth time.

  The night before, she thought he’d got the hint and left her alone. She went to the conference and listened, took notes, avoided all conversation regarding adult channels and went to bed.

  Dinner was in her room, and she didn’t want to socialise. On Saturday, she was cornered into going to a lunch and had been sat next to Ted. He wasn't overly attentive, but she’d catch him looking at her and it made her worry, seeing he was clicking something over.

  And in all this time, Denise was watching her like a hawk.

  ‘Please, you have to join us for cocktails. It’s the last night,’ Ted said quietly. ‘I’m not going until you come out.’

  ‘I’m not dressed.’

  ‘That’s even better.’

  ‘Ted!’

  ‘Your man shouldn’t have let you go,’ laughed Ted. ‘Not his smartest move.’

  She gulped hard, thinking about Joe and didn’t want to tell Ted that Joe had willingly let her go at the first sign of trouble. It was his smartest move, for sure.

  Quickly throwing on her underwear and putting on a black shift dress, Suri arranged her hair messily. Dabbing powder on her nose and a slick of lip gloss, she put her purse, phone and key card into her clutch bag.

  Her reflection showed her miserable expression, and she didn’t want to smile.

  There was nothing to smile about.

  Going to the door, she flung it open and saw Ted wearing a shirt and jeans, looking casual, and, unfortunately, very attractive.

  She knew that was her hurt making him look appealing.

  ‘You look beautiful, Suri,’ he said, smiling gently at her. ‘Even if it did take you two and a half minutes to get ready. That’s what I like about you. Your natural look.’

  ‘Oh cut the crap,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘I need a drink then I’m going.’

  Suri quickly walked towards the lift, still annoyed that he had made sure her room was next to his, and they were both on a different floor from the others.

  While waiting for the lift to come, she realised he was standing behind her. Then she felt his hand touch the base of her spine, leading her through the open doors.

  She pulled away, not wanting to get tactile. Suri knew once he thought he could touch; Ted would take it as a sign it meant something else. Her back was placed against the side wall. He was smirking and flashed her a knowing glance.

  Ted thought he was going to get her into bed. It was apparent from his body language.

  Suri needed cheering up so thought maybe she could kill two birds with one stone, and make sure he got the message.

  All she did was smile, and he grinned back.

  It was a question of what she could do.

  The lift stopped, and the doors parted.

  Standing in the reception was Denise and a few others.

  If looks could kill, again Suri would be six foot under.

  ‘What do you think about Denise?’ she whispered, letting Ted touch her back and discreetly stroke her arse, which made her want to thump him. ‘Would you do it with her?’

  ‘God no,’ he said, leading her straight to the bar and ignoring the others. ‘That was the worse two weeks of my life. She’s so domineering and needy. Boy, does she like her bondage. That’s pretty weird the female dominatrix role.’

  Suri held her tongue, knowing someone like Ted would never understand a woman taking control.

  ‘Took me years to shake her off.’ Ted looked down at her. ‘I’ll make it up to you, you know I will. When we have sex, you’ll see why. If not tonight, when I come back from holiday.’

  ‘You’re going away?’ she asked, feeling the relief of not seeing him.

  ‘For a fortnight. I’m not sure if I can wait that long.’

  ‘Let’s get a drink.’

  Suri needed something to dull the pain of being with a man she no longer wanted.

  Sitting down at the table, Ted kept seeing people he knew. Today she realised his wedding ring was missing, so he was chancing it.

  When their drinks arrived, Suri had taken the opportunity to get a very strong vodka martini. Ted leaned across to get closer.

  ‘How’s your man? Is it still working out?’

  ‘Joe? All’s good,’ she lied, forcing a bright smile. ‘I don’t get to see him that much, with his work.’

  ‘What does he do?’

  Hesitating for a moment, she wondered why then realised it would prove great amusement for Ted.

  ‘He’s a Vicar.’

  And like the prick he was, Ted started to laugh, shaking his head while sipping his scotch.

  ‘What’s so funny?’ she asked, taking a massive gulp of her drink then popping an olive into her mouth. ‘He believes in what he does. Nothing wrong about that.’

  Still he laughed and Suri took the opportunity to examine him closely.

  He was desperately hanging onto his youth.

  ‘Ted, are you forty-five?’ she asked watching him stop laughing. ‘I can’t remember.’

  ‘I’m forty-three. Why are you asking?’

  ‘You told me you were thirty-eight when we starting seeing each other.’

  ‘I never-.’

  ‘You did. I was thirty-one, and you said you were seven years older. You were, in fact, ten.’ Suri smiled at his agitation. ‘I can see where the relationship went wrong.’

  ‘You’re getting on. Do you think the Vicar is going to want to get married?’

  ‘He’s married to God,’ she said, still making sure her smile didn’t slip.

  ‘Are they allowed to see people?’ he asked before whispering. ‘Is he servicing your needs?’

  ‘He gave me a proper service, one his congregation would have been proud of. And he’s not a monk, as he pointed out or a Catholic priest. He can have a relationship if he wants.’

  ‘I’d never see you as someone dating a Vicar.’

  ‘I’d never see you as someone being faithful.’

  Ted took a deep breath before leaning back in his chair.

  ‘I can’t stop thinking about you,’ he said quietly. ‘That’s not what usually happens. I have fun then walk away. But there’s something about you, Suri, which makes me want to come back for more.’

  Then she noticed Denise and a few others walking into the room.

  She had a plan.

  ‘Ted, if you play nicely, I’ll make you come back for more.’

  ‘This is good.’

  Sitting next to Ted at dinner, Suri felt him grab her thigh.

  ‘Suri, do you want to taste my beef rib?’ He held a piece to her mouth, and she knew that’s not what he was talking about. ‘It’s very tender.’

  ‘No thanks.’ She tucked into her fish and realised he was trying to go for her inner thigh.

  Quickly she bolted her legs together, locking his hand between them. Instead of him removing his hand, he left it there for a moment before pulling it away and shockingly brushed against her fanny.

  Suri would have to be very careful to make sure her plan didn’t backfire. She leaned over and topped up his glass, knowing he couldn’t hold his wine, gently brushing her breast against his arm.

  Denise was watching her.

  She was sat on the other side, further down.

  It was obvious the woman had the hots for Ted as she was gutted when he chose to sit next to Suri. Then she noticed Leila was eyeing up Ted.

  ‘A double whammy,’ she mumbled to herself and he had caught her comment.

  Ted moved closer and whispered in her ear.

  ‘Remember when I used to double whammy you. You were so horny. Do you know I listen to your voice on our adult channel? I imagine screwing you so hard until you’re screaming out because you can’t take anymore. Suri, I want to fuck you tonight.’

  That split second, she thought her dinner was going to come up but swallowed hard.

  He had the gall to think she’d fall for his sex bullshit. The conceit of Ted only made her wonder what she was thinking when she got togethe
r with him.

  Desperation was the word that came to her mind… and sex.

  Desperate sex.

  ‘Ted, come closer.’ She started breathing heavily. ‘I want you to lick and finger fuck me until I scream. When we fuck, I know I’m going to come, and my pussy will be sopping.’ Then she grabbed his semi flaccid dick under the table. ‘And I’ll suck it so hard, you’ll go blind.’

  For the first time, she was pleased she’d been watching porn for her new extensive vocabulary.

  ‘Let’s go now,’ he eagerly asked, pushing her hand hard against his crotch.

  ‘I’m enjoying myself. We’ve got a few hours left. I need to get some things to make it a night to remember.’

  ‘Denise, can I have a word?’

  Suri had managed to corner her after dinner, but not before going to the ladies and washing her hands furiously after putting her hand on Ted’s nether regions.

  ‘What? You’ve managed to tear yourself away from Ted for a second. What do you think you’re doing? He’s playing with you.’ She sneered at Suri.

  Even Denise couldn’t hide her jealousy though she was pissed.

  ‘You went out with him, didn’t you?’ Suri asked, flicking him a glance. ‘How did you meet?’

  Ted was busy chatting up some more women but constantly kept looking over.

  ‘Why do you want to know? Do you have an agenda of your own?’

  ‘He's nice to me because he knows I’m Edgar’s pet puppy. Isn’t that what you call me behind my back?’ She was met with a fake grin. ‘But you’ve known Ted for ages.’

  ‘We had a fling. He didn’t want to leave his wife and-.’

  ‘I thought that was ages ago.’

  ‘He got married when he was twenty-five,’ Denise laughed out. ‘Gillian, a nice society girl from a wealthy family. The kids are teenagers now and-.’

  ‘I thought they were under ten?’

  ‘God no!’ laughed Denise, filling up her glass. ‘One has just started university, and the other is at college doing A’ levels.’

  Once again, Ted had struck her with an out and out lie.

  Suri wasn’t going to hold back on any of her plan.

  ‘Do you need to some advice on how to handle him? Seriously Suri, he won’t look at you. Like you said, he's nice because you have connections.’