Bless This Love

by S M Mala

  ‘I have to do it now before it’s too late.’

  ‘But what do you think Suri will say?’ the woman asked, and Suri could see she looked concerned.

  ‘That’s a big question,’ replied Joe as he frowned. ‘Are you okay about it?’

  ‘I’ll have to be but please think carefully about what you’re doing.’

  He smiled at the woman, kissing her on the forehead.

  ‘Thank you for being so understanding about all this.’

  Suri realised she’d been set up.

  This woman had been understanding about his little dalliance and now he was going to be with this Laura.

  The woman he truly loved.

  It now all made perfect sense.

  That was the hint he’d made a few weeks ago.

  He was going to leave the parish and set up home with Laura.

  And he wanted Suri in church to make sure everyone knew.

  She couldn’t see why he’d want to hurt her openly in public, knowing how much she loved him.

  Maybe he hadn’t really cared about her at all?

  It was devastating, the feeling of despair running around in her chest. Her head span so fast she fell to the ground, completely dizzy and couldn’t move. No-one could see her dishevelled appearance as she sobbed. Suri had no idea what she was supposed to do.

  If she confronted him, it would be heart breaking and mostly humiliating for her. All Suri would do was blubber and sob when Joe told her he loved this woman.

  Her hands were trembling, and she steadied herself so she could walk home, holding onto low walls just to get back. Eventually, she got to her toilet and was violently sick, accidentally biting the inside of her mouth, spitting out blood.

  Sitting on the bathroom floor, her eyes looked towards her bedroom where she’d hung a pretty dress for the Sunday service.

  It was now pretty pointless even putting it on.

  ‘I saw you last night.’

  Suri had hardly slept and rang him at seven thirty in the morning. She wondered all night if he had made love to his woman, and if he’d thought about how much he was hurting her.

  ‘Morning Suri. I’m on the way out to meet Jack and-.’

  ‘You were with a woman last night, I know.’

  There was silence down the other end of the phone.

  ‘You saw me?’ he asked quietly, sounding guilty. ‘Where?’

  ‘Down the road. I won’t be coming to church today,’ then a sob came hurtling out of her mouth. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

  ‘You’re leaving the parish and going to get back together with Laura.’

  ‘Pardon?’

  ‘It was her you were with, wasn’t it?’

  Again a massive silence.

  ‘Yes.’

  It was too much pain for her to handle as she put her hand over her mouth, knowing she was right.

  ‘You’re not going to listen to me, are you?’ he said quietly. ‘You made up your mind what you think you saw.’

  ‘I saw it with my own eyes, and I heard what you said to her about telling everyone today. I bet you’ve known about leaving for weeks and couldn’t be bothered to let me know,’ she sobbed. ‘You don’t care! You’ve just moved on.’

  ‘Will you let me explain?’

  ‘There’s no point. You told me she wanted you back. You didn’t tell me you wanted her,’ she said wiping her face and feeling sick to the stomach. Suri hated the fact she kept bursting into tears, and it made her conversation more garbled. ‘What’s the point of hearing your lies?’

  ‘I’m really annoyed with you, right now,’ he said, making her sob more. ‘Because if you don’t trust me, you’re right. What’s the point?’

  He hung up.

  That was how he ended it between them.

  Making her listen to a dead line.

  ‘I don’t know what’s going on.’

  Her mother had turned unexpectedly at her doorstep. ‘But Reverend Isley is in such a state! I guess it has got something to do with you.’

  ‘He’s leaving mum; he’s going to another parish and he didn’t tell me. Plus he’s seeing his ex and thought I wouldn’t find out.’

  Her mother marched past her and up the stairs, into the bedroom. Suri tiredly followed her up.

  ‘He wants you in church,’ Mary said, looking at the dress hanging from the wardrobe then turned to look at Suri. ‘You don’t look well.’

  ‘I didn’t sleep much.’

  ‘And your eyes are puffy.’

  ‘He’s broken my heart,’ she said, trying not to weep again. ‘And I’m sick of crying.’

  ‘Then stop. Go and take a shower, and we’ll sort this out.’ Mary scowled. ‘What happened with Janet this week?’

  ‘She was just her normal awful self. Telling me all sorts. I bet she’s going to enjoy finding out that Joe’s going off with someone else. That’ll make her day.’

  ‘Then Reverend Isley has some explaining to do to both of us, hasn’t’ he?’

  ‘I don’t want to go to church.’

  ‘He wants to speak to you, and frankly, say what you have to say to his face and walk away… if that’s what you want.’

  Suri just sat on the edge of her bed and cried.

  Nothing could explain her emotional turmoil and hurt at being let down.

  A local Vicar was the last person you’d expect to completely leave you devastated.

  But he had.

  After she showered and changed, Suri could just about hold down a cup of tea. Her mother was insistent she ate something, but Suri wasn’t hungry.

  There was only a feeling of nausea running through her body, and she wanted to hide.

  Mary hadn’t said anything, just watched her closely. Every time she caught her mother’s eye she noticed the look of concern and confusion.

  ‘It’ll be all right,’ her mother eventually said.

  Suri knew it wouldn’t be.

  ‘I don’t feel well.’

  Suri was being held on tightly to by her mother and was cold.

  Her mother had powdered and smeared lipstick on her, complaining of how pale her child looked and made her promise to go to the doctors.

  All Suri wanted to do was go home and avoid having her heart publicly broken.

  ‘Can I just slip in?’ Suri asked. ‘I can use the side door.’

  ‘You walk through the main ones like the rest of us. You have nothing to be ashamed of.’

  ‘Not yet.’

  There were a lot of people walking in, and it was going to be full house. Then she spotted Jack and Joe welcoming the congregation. Putting her head down, she aimed to walk in without saying anything to either one.

  ‘Suri, can I speak with you?’ she heard Joe ask and felt a hand on her arm. ‘For a moment?’

  She glanced at her mother who nodded for her to do as she was told. Suri stepped closer, keeping her head down as he walked to the side of the church.

  ‘I should have told you about Laura, I know that. She was upset and came to see me. I told you she said she wanted us to get back together, and …’ he whispered. ‘Suri, look at me.’

  ‘I can’t,’ she said, holding her head down, half her face covered by a scarf. ‘It hurts too much. Do what you have to do. I’ve said everything. You need to move on, and you are.’

  ‘You’re not listening.’

  ‘Have you been offered another parish?’ she asked as he looked away and nodded. ‘And you didn’t bother to tell me?’

  ‘It was when we split up, I was offered a place in Harrogate.’

  ‘But that’s miles away,’ she said, knowing she was going to burst into tears. ‘Why didn’t you take it?’

  ‘It fell through but it’s come back up again.’

  ‘And you thought you’d kill time with me while waiting, I guess.’

  She looked up at him, feeling bitterly disappointed and now hurt.

  ‘You looked very ha
ppy and like a couple. I heard what you said because I hid around the corner.’ She blinked away the tears watching his look of surprise. ‘Don’t lie to protect my feelings. They’re hurt, you see. I wish you’d told me before. I don’t understand.’

  ‘Why don’t you trust me?’

  ‘Because every man I trust lets me down. You’re no different, other than you work for God and will go to heaven, regardless of how many hearts you break. But this time, you’re probably going a short two hundred mile distance instead. Good luck with Laura and your new parish. I hope it works out.’ Suri hesitated. ‘Did you sleep with her this week?’

  ‘That’s such a stupid question.’ He was starting to look angry. ‘How can you ask that?’

  ‘I know what I saw, Joe. If you care about me, then you’ll just tell me the truth and spare me this shit.’

  ‘Oh God!’ she heard him say quietly. ‘You can’t walk out or runaway. I’d like you to stay until the bitter end. Can you do this one thing for me?’

  ‘So you can make me look even more stupid?’

  ‘That’s not what I’m trying to do because you’re doing that all yourself.’

  ‘I see.’ Suri blinked back her tears. ‘Good to know how you really feel.’

  ‘If you do this, I’ll never ask you to come to church again. Okay?’

  Walking in, her head still down, Suri felt a hand guide her to the back of the church. Jack took her to the same place she used to sit, all those years ago.

  Very close to the exit.

  ‘What have you done now?’ he whispered then frowned. ‘You don’t look good.’

  ‘I don’t care. Who said you had to look pretty to come to church?’ she replied then glanced around at a well turned out flock. ‘Oh!’

  ‘It’s just your face. No-one will notice,’ he grinned then moved closer. ‘Why did you upset Joe this morning? And just now? He looks devastated.’

  ‘Because I found something out.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes, really…’ She was on the verge of tears. ‘And he never told me and neither did you.’

  ‘Don’t move. Just listen to his sermon and-.’

  ‘He’s leaving the parish,’ she said, grabbing Jack’s large arm. ‘And he’s going to be with his woman.’

  ‘And who told you this?’

  ‘I figured it out on my own.’

  ‘I might not have been utilising your brain as much as I should,’ he said, shaking his head from side to side. ‘Because it’s obvious that you haven’t been doing a great job with it.’

  ‘Can I just go and-.’

  ‘He asked you to come, and you have to sit through this. It’s very important.’

  ‘I hate church.’

  ‘And don’t I know it.’

  Jack walked away, and she kept her head down, her scarf wrapped tightly around her face so no-one could see her.

  But she could barely see the front of the church as it was packed to the roof. People were even sitting upstairs in the balcony area.

  The Vicar was indeed popular.

  Discreetly she examined the waiting crowd, and it was very much as she’d seen from outside the church.

  Woman and men, all age ranges, sitting eagerly in wait for Reverend Isley.

  The children, very much like her, wished they weren’t there.

  Suri’s body felt as if every last bit of energy had been drained. She was next to a rather large man who was with his male partner. They seemed very happy, chatting away to people, but she kept her head down.

  ‘Is this your first time?’ the man asked, with rosy cheeks and a bright smile. ‘I’ve not seen you here before.’ Then he hesitated. ‘But I’ve seen you outside. Do you do the fundraising?’

  ‘My mum is involved in the church and asked me to help out,’ she whispered, wanting to hide.

  ‘It’s a wonderful service. So uplifting! I come away looking forward to the week and…’ He grinned sheepishly. ‘Reverend Isley is something else.’

  ‘He certainly is,’ she said, watching him and Jack go towards the front of the church to begin service.

  ‘You know, I’ve been coming for years and since he started working here, well, this place has changed. Reverend Pinter is a wonderful man, but the parish needed an injection of energy to get the church going again. It’s a hard time when people don’t want to come to church.’ The man let out a hefty sigh. ‘Isn’t it, Albert? A problem with the churches closing down.’

  ‘There was a beautiful church where I was brought up in Shropshire. People stopped going, and the church sold it to developers. It’s now a tea shop, which is better than being new apartments, I guess,’ the skinny effeminate man said and smiled. ‘That’s why the Church of England need people like Reverend Isley.’

  ‘Don’t we all?’ giggled the larger man.

  ‘Yes, we do,’ Suri said under her breath, and now thought about the conversation she’d had with Joe. ‘But he thinks God protects him from being a bastard to me.’

  He admitted he’d been seeing Laura, and there was the chance to get his own parish. The idea that Suri hadn’t really listened to all this; hadn’t understood he wasn’t meant to be with her, left her lost and alone.

  Rory had deceived her; Ted was a constant loss but Joe? She thought she’d found someone. That was never to be.

  If she could have sobbed there and then, she would have. And she was close to it.

  Unfortunately, her bleeding heart would have to hold on for another hour before she could run away and hide, to avoid people laughing at her stupidity.

  All for the love of a Vicar who didn’t want her.

  ‘Love, is the most important thing.’

  Joe was standing at the front, not in the pulpit, speaking to the congregation. ‘Without love, we are nothing. It’s an important factor when we think about others.’

  Suri had avoided looking at him, now focusing on the lawn outside, through the side window.

  His sermon had been funny and touching, but mostly he was speaking about emotions, and from what she could gather, how love was the key.

  He’d touched on forgiveness and Suri decided not to listen to that bit.

  Joe was probably sending subliminal messages through his sermon so she’d pick up on how to react.

  Again her eyes searched the church to see if Laura was there, waiting in the wings to make an appearance, or hiding because she knew Suri’s heart was going to be broken.

  This isn’t how she expected it to turn out.

  Her phone vibrated in her pocket, and she looked at it.

  A text from Ted.

  She read it.

  ‘I need to see you. We need to speak. I want to be with you and I know I’m not handling it well. Please call me.’

  Suri wanted to laugh. Her only option was to hook up with a married man who’d happily screw anyone, then make out he didn’t want to.

  It wasn’t an option worth thinking about.

  Being alone was a far better one.

  Waiting for the announcement that he was leaving, Suri listened to Joe and knew she’d have to pretend to look pleased, disguise the fact he’d hurt her. He would tell her afterwards that he cared about her, but this was something he had to do.

  Also, he’d rekindled his love with Laura.

  Then a terrible thought crossed her mind that he’d been making love to Laura for the days Suri hadn’t seen him. It made her freeze, and she suddenly felt sick and hot, removing the scarf that half covered her face.

  They were singing ‘Amazing Grace,' everyone standing up but she couldn’t get to her feet.

  This wasn’t like her, and she felt unwell, knowing she couldn’t stay and hear what he was going to say.

  Her heart and soul couldn’t take it.

  She stood up and started to head for the door.

  ‘Suri, don’t go!’ Joe shouted out. ‘Please?’

  Stopping, she realised the singing had dwindled, and there were whispers as well as head turns.
r />   ‘I don’t feel well. I have to leave,’ she said, glancing at him over her shoulder then back at the door.

  Footsteps were coming towards her, and he whispered, ‘This isn’t how I planned it. Please sit down, for me?’

  Knowing she was going to be the focus of the church, Suri sat back down. The large gentleman looked at her in utter confusion.

  ‘I was going to make an announcement today,’ Joe said to everyone. ‘But like life, nothing goes to plan.’

  Searching for tissues, she pulled out a lump, knowing she’d have to bury her face in them when he told everyone about his future.

  She was going to stuff them in her mouth to stop from crying and hide the sound.

  Then the choir started to sing, and Suri blinked hard.

  It was the opening bars to ‘My Cherie Amour’.

  Joe was going to sing it to say goodbye. It would be touching if it weren't so bloody devastating. Then he strummed his guitar and started singing.

  It wasn’t the same fluid tone as per usual; there was something a little emotional in his voice.

  She put this down to guilt.

  Even a saint could suffer from it.

  Not wanting to look at him, she focussed on her bunch of tissues. But his voice was getting closer. Suri looked up again and noticed the men sitting next to her were mesmerised. It was only then the large man turned and nudged her in the ribs before smiling.

  ‘I think he’s singing to you,’ he grinned.

  Looking directly up, she noticed Joe was indeed focussing on her.

  He then held up his hand and the choir silenced before taking his guitar off and putting it down. Then he started to sing again, but this time alone and knelt down to next to Suri, tears in his eyes when he grabbed her hand. Joe looked straight at her while quietly singing before whispering, ‘How I wish that you were mine.’

  Then the choir started to hum, and she wasn’t quite sure what was going on.

  ‘Suri, will you marry me?’ Joe asked, and the man next to her gasped.

  She, on the other hand, went into mild shock.

  ‘I love you,’ he said. ‘And I want you to be my wife. Marry me?’

  ‘Go on!’ the large man whispered. ‘I certainly will if you won’t.’

  ‘Roger!’ his partner hissed.