Breaking Even

by E A Schreiber

  The sound of the horn signaled that the second half was underway as Taylor returned from the concession stand to “comfort eat the stress away.” She brought Twizzlers and Laffy Taffy for everyone, as well as cups of coffee to counteract the dropping temperatures. Three-quarters of the way through the snacks, Anne was sharing a story about one of her particularly stubborn patients when Wiscasset made a run. With six minutes left on the clock, Leah placed a great through ball for the streaking Molly, who chased it down, but a well-timed tackle from the defender saved the goal, giving Wiscasset the corner.

  Jaysa, visibly anxious, covered her face. “I can’t do corner kicks. I always feel like someone is about to get a concussion or something. I would never have survived as a soccer player. Tell me when it’s over.”

  Sympathetic, Taylor put her arm around Jaysa and promised to keep her updated.

  Chloe was excited to see that Leah was coming forward to take the corner for Wiscasset. Madeleine shouted something to her. Though Chloe couldn’t hear what she said, whatever it was appeared to buoy Leah’s confidence. Spinning the ball and placing it on the line, Leah stepped back, took a deep breath, and raised her arm to the official. At the top of the box, players were still jockeying for position.

  Leah, dropping her hand, took her approach. As she addressed the ball, Chloe caught sight of Molly rubbing her defender off her teammate at the top of the box. The ball soared to the far side of the box, where a sprinting Molly was headed. Chloe held her breath. The players moved in slow motion. The goalie was still on her line, sliding to her left to follow the ball, but Molly, diving forward, somehow put her head on the perfect strike from Leah, sending her shot under the outstretched hand of the keeper.

  It took a moment for the fans to realize what had happened. The Wiscasset players mobbed Molly and Leah, and Chloe, Taylor, Anne, and Jaysa were all on their feet, joining the rest of the hometown fans cheering for the beautiful goal. Chloe caught Madeleine turning to her bench and emphatically pumping her fist, celebrating with her bench players.

  When the excitement settled and the fans returned to their seats, the urgency of the Boothbay players was ratcheted up to a new level. Wiscasset was working to maintain possession, draining the clock as much as possible. Though the Boothbay girls never gave up, with ten seconds left a desperation through ball was trapped by Leah, who cleared it to the opposite end of the field, securing the win for Wiscasset.

  “Well, what would you like for lunch tomorrow?” Taylor asked, conceding defeat to Chloe.

  “Let me think about it. I’ll get back to you. I want to really enjoy this.” Chloe chuckled, savoring her personal victory. While Anne and Jaysa gathered up the garbage from the snack fest they had participated in, Chloe and Taylor made their way down the bleachers to where Madeleine was addressing her team. Stacey and her group were getting packed up and heading for their waiting bus, undoubtedly anxious to get home. Parents with blankets wrapped around themselves were clustering near the far corner of the field waiting for their respective athletes to take their leave.

  Chloe hoped that Molly and Leah hadn’t left yet. Watching them play had jump-started her momma bear instincts; she was immensely proud of her kids. She had tried to tell herself that she was still detached, but after spending only two weeks with them, she was invested. Watching them play tonight had brought the fact more clearly to light; it was something Chloe could no longer ignore, for better or worse. Acknowledging her attachment to her students would make it harder to leave if she didn’t get the long-term position, but at this point, there really was no going back.

  Turning to Taylor, Chloe asked, “Do you see Molly or Leah? I really want to catch them tonight.” Standing on her tiptoes, Taylor searched for the two girls above the flock of supporters.

  “I think I see Leah. She’s by the bench packing up her bag. I’m not sure about Molly. I think she might be at the center of that blob of people.”

  “I should have known. That girl’s got one of the most magnetic personalities I’ve ever seen. She reminds me of someone. I can’t quite place it.” She ticked off a list on her fingers. “She surrounds herself with good people, talks to everyone, thinks she’s the funniest person in any room. Sound like anyone we know?” Chloe asked, elbowing Taylor.

  “That’s the best compliment you could ever give her,” replied Taylor, inclining her head regally to accept the praise. “But you’re going to have to hustle over to catch Leah. I think she’s leaving.”

  Chloe took off at a jog toward the far corner of the field. Leah was indeed packed up and heading for the back gate to the far parking lot where most of the players parked. Chloe increased her pace. When she was close enough, she called out, “Hey, Leah, hang on!”

  At the sound of her name, Leah paused and turned. Chloe waved and slowed slightly. Leah’s slender face lit up with recognition. When Chloe closed the gap between them, Leah spoke first.

  “Miss Amden, I didn’t know you were coming tonight!”

  “Of course. I wouldn’t have missed it!” Chloe reached out and clapped Leah affectionately on the arm. “You played amazing tonight, Leah!” Leah’s shy grin was worth every bit of cold Chloe had sat through. The change in her posture and hint of color that sprang to her cheeks told Chloe how much it meant to her to have someone in the stands recognize her efforts.

  “I’m glad we got the win. Boothbay’s always so good.” Unsurprised that Leah would move the conversation in the direction of the team, Chloe couldn’t resist one more Leah-centered comment.

  “They’re definitely a solid team. I didn’t realize what a leg you’ve got on you. Do you always take the corners?”

  “I didn’t last season. We had a senior defender who used to, but Coach had me take them in practice all the time. This was my first one in a varsity game.”

  “Well, an assist on your first one isn’t a bad start, kid!”

  At that, Leah flushed slightly but conceded. “I guess not.”

  “Well, it’s getting cold out here and I’m sure you’re sweaty and hungry after that one. You get out of here and I’ll see you in class.”

  “Okay, thanks for coming, Miss Amden.” Leah hesitated, her face reflecting the struggle of deciding whether or not to say what she was thinking. After a brief pause, she blurted out, “Now you’re going to have to come to all our games. We haven’t beaten Boothbay in like five years.”

  Laughing, Chloe replied, “I’ll see what I can do, Leah. You promise to keep playing like that and I’ll be there. Now go before I have to agree to paint my face for every game too!”

  Her face breaking into the widest smile yet, Leah nodded and waved, turning to leave for her car. Chloe couldn’t help but imagine how much more Leah was bound to grow before she headed off to college. She was clearly gaining confidence on the soccer field. A large portion of that confidence had something to do with Madeleine, of that Chloe was sure. The junior was polite, inquisitive, and a gifted athlete. Though reserved, she was a sweet kid. Chloe was proud of her, despite only having known her for a few weeks. She couldn’t imagine how Madeleine felt, having worked to cultivate Leah’s growth for years.

  The vibration of the phone inside her pocket disrupted her train of thought. A new group message had been started in the five minutes since she had ventured over to Leah. Unsurprisingly, Taylor, Anne, and Jaysa had been too cold and hungry to wait around and had gone to get a table at Manchetti’s. Chloe checked the field, curious about whether Madeleine was still around.

  The final stragglers were grouped together near the entrance to the field, gradually making their way to the last cars in the parking lot. Molly wasn’t in the group, nor was Madeleine. A movement in her periphery caught her attention. She spotted the soccer coach, bundled in layers of team gear, near the benches. She had made her way over to the control panel between the bubble benches, presumably to close up shop and shut down the lights. Spotting Chloe, she motioned her over.

  “I’m assuming you got the fifty-sev
en group texts?” she asked, her cheeks tinged pink from the cold air that had settled in.

  “I did. It’s still September and the cold got to them. How do they survive the winter?”

  “It’s a little embarrassing, right?” Madeleine paused. “I can’t give them too much shit. They’ve endured some pretty snowy games in the past couple seasons.”

  “I would be willing to bet there was some Irish coffee or spiked hot chocolate involved,” Chloe interjected, drawing a chuckle from Madeleine.

  “I’ll have to ask them tonight. Now that you mention it, that one game there was a lot of giggling going on.” Calling up a mental image of the group of women bundled in fuzzy hats and blankets and sipping out of thermoses was all too easy for Chloe, though she was pretty certain they wouldn’t have gotten buzzed at any really important game for Madeleine.

  “I have to switch these lights off. If you want to wait a minute, we can walk out together. I swear I won’t ask you whether or not you’ve moved on from Atlas Shrugged…” Madeleine’s tone was wry and self-effacing. Chloe nodded.

  “Sounds perfect.”

  One by one, she shut off the giant lights, each of them going dark with a metallic clang followed by more silence. The buzzing of the electric current gradually faded until the final light fell into darkness and the world was plunged into silence.

  Chloe stood still, head tilted as far back as it would go, mesmerized by the millions of stars thrown across the sky. With no lights on around them, no moon in the sky, and not a trace of cloud cover, she was surrounded by undiluted celestial brilliance. Points of light glittered across the nighttime, dancing in a chaotic order only the universe could provide. The immensity of space contained within the expanse of darkness was begging to be experienced. She turned her body slowly in a circle, savoring the moment.

  “Beautiful doesn’t do this justice.” Madeleine’s voice came drifting out of the darkness. Unable to turn away, Chloe nodded in silent agreement. She was aware of Madeleine now, standing next to her, as absorbed by the night as she was. Her voice came again, softer this time.

  “I can’t believe how often I forget how incredible this is.”

  There was a hint of something in that casual admission that resonated with Chloe. Was it regret or fear, maybe disappointment? Chloe couldn’t be sure. Maybe it was the ambiguity that drew her in. For some reason, Chloe felt that Madeleine could relate to her in that moment. And it felt… Well, it felt nice.

  * * *

  By the time Chloe walked in the front door of Manchetti’s her body was reminding her that she hadn’t eaten more than a few Twizzlers since lunch. The smell of freshly baked Italian bread and pizza set her mouth watering. Taylor called out to her as she walked into the dining area. “There won’t be much pizza left for you if you don’t get over here!”

  Chloe was at the table in three long strides. She folded her lanky frame into the booth next to Anne, who had graciously set out a plate and a slice for her.

  “You know better than to believe her, Chloe, or at least you better learn that before the season starts,” Anne advised Chloe. Chloe would express her gratitude in a moment, after she got a few bites of pizza.

  “Easy, sweetheart. She hasn’t interviewed yet, so I’ve got a little more time to milk this.” Taylor laughed as Chloe smothered her slice with parmesan cheese and dove enthusiastically into it. To Chloe’s relief Madeleine walked in the restaurant at that point, saving her from more of Taylor’s ribbing.

  “Madeleine! What a game!” Jaysa shouted, her face lighting up with excitement for their friend. Madeleine smiled, then slid into the booth with Jaysa and Taylor.

  “I would have liked to see them finish in the first half, but it’s early in the season. They played hard tonight.” Despite her reluctance to celebrate too soon, a hint of pride rang out in her voice.

  “You realize that around us you can say you had a damn good night, right?” Jaysa asked, the slightest trace of frustration creeping into her response. Madeleine smiled ruefully, though before she could respond Taylor chimed in, “This is your circle of trust! I swear we won’t go telling the papers you’re already counting your second state title.”

  Chloe laughed with the others, impressed to learn that the young coach had already won a state title. Those did not come easily at the high school level, least of all from mid-sized schools like Wiscasset. The surprise must have been evident on her face. Anne leaned over to her. “They won two years ago. It was Madeleine’s third year coaching. She came in and turned the entire program around. She’d never tell you that herself, of course.”

  Jaysa momentarily abandoned the breadstick and dipping sauce she had been making quick work of. “It’s been fantastic to watch. With her and Stacey coming in at the same time, soccer around here has blown up.”

  “Soccer has always been big up here,” Madeleine countered quickly. “When I was playing on my club teams growing up, the Northeast was constantly pumping out great talent. I think it comes in cycles. We needed to help the kids remember why soccer is exciting.”

  “Yeah,” Taylor teased. “People do have a tendency to fall asleep when games end scoreless.”

  “Easy, babe. Your basketball is showing,” Anne chided Taylor cheerfully. Taking the jest in stride, Taylor dropped her hand below the table, and Chloe watched as her fingers seamlessly intertwined with Anne’s. A small moment all in all, but to Chloe it represented what she hoped to find someday.

  Chloe considered her own string of failed relationships. If she were honest with herself the common factor in all of them had been a serious lack of equality between the partners involved. Perhaps that was why they all failed. She pulled her thoughts back to the table, where Jaysa was absorbed in talks with Anne and Taylor about Stacey and the likelihood that the championship would be a rematch of tonight’s game. She turned toward Madeleine, rocking back slightly, startled, as gorgeous hazel eyes peppered with flecks of green locked onto hers.

  Suddenly the table felt much too intimate. Chloe hadn’t ever had a reason to sit this close to Madeleine before. Swallowing hard to keep her plummeting stomach under control, she tried to remember what she had been about to ask her. Mercifully, Madeleine, unfazed by Chloe’s hesitation, spoke instead.

  “Why did you go with basketball instead of soccer? With your long legs and strong hands, I imagine you would have had your choice of positions on the pitch.”

  Chloe managed to pull herself together enough to participate in the conversation, though imagining Madeleine appreciating her long legs was incredibly distracting.

  “Honestly, I’m a little bit of a bandwagon soccer fan. Growing up I wasn’t really exposed to it. It’s probably better that way. I’m terrible. From the handful of times I’ve tried to dribble with my feet instead of my hands, I realized I should leave it to the five-year-olds.”

  Madeleine chuckled and thought for a moment. “You can’t be that terrible. At the very least I’d wager that you’d make a great keeper.”

  “Absolutely not. I was made painfully aware that it is not the game for me. I’m okay with that.” Chloe shook her head, trying to hide the mortification that accompanied her memory. She switched gears. “Isn’t that cheating, though? I’d be in the one position where I get to use my hands.”

  As soon as she uttered the unintended innuendo, Chloe flushed, biting back embarrassment. The flash of emotion across Madeleine’s face was so quick, she couldn’t be sure if there was acknowledgment there or if she’d imagined it.

  Undaunted, Madeleine went on. “It’s only cheating if you have your sweeper take the goal kicks.”

  “We’d definitely be cheating then because I shouldn’t take them.” Madeleine shook her head at Chloe’s insistence. “Anyway, I did start to watch my friends play in college and then I fell in love with half of the women’s national team during the 2011 World Cup. I mean, come on, Megan Rapinoe, Lauri Lindsey, Abby Wambach, and Ashlyn Harris. How could I not love that team?”

  �
��Wow, you really did fall hard.” Madeleine’s voice sounded different suddenly; it had lost some of the warmth it held seconds ago. Chloe was thrown by the unmistakable shift in her demeanor. She had tensed up as if thinking about that team was painful. Momentarily thrown off, Chloe continued, hoping to move past whatever just happened.

  “Now I pretend to know what I’m talking about until I talk to someone who actually does know the game.”

  “That’s refreshing. When I was playing everyone I talked to acted like they should have been coaching the national team.” Apparently over whatever had passed between them, Madeleine added, “Funny, not one of those fans ever got the job.”

  Chloe laughed, instantly reminded of her friend Brooke’s dad. “Most of the time it’s the parents who are the worst, aren’t they? One of my teammates, she had it rough. She was from Louisiana and her dad was a nightmare. Thankfully he couldn’t make it to many games. In his mind, he could outcoach Geno Auriemma.”

  Madeleine nodded. “It’s hard for me to watch professional games anymore, at the stadiums or in public in general. People are lunatics.”

  “Seriously! I always end up thinking snarky things about how they were probably awful at sports and never played at a high level. Which makes me the real asshole. Whoops.” Chloe shrugged, completely unapologetic. Madeleine’s subsequent laugh sent a tiny tremor through her.

  Madeleine leaned forward to whisper her response. “I think the same things. Don’t tell anyone that, though. It’ll ruin my image.” Madeleine went on, unaware, Chloe hoped, of the jolt of excitement she’d sent through her. “And, in our defense, not a lot of people have actually played high-level sports, so maybe we are a tiny bit justified in our smartass inner dialogues?”

  Nodding, Chloe answered happily, inclining her water glass toward Madeleine. “I like the way you think.” Speaking of high-level sports… “So where did you play? All I know is what Taylor told me, which was that you could have played basketball but chose soccer, the act of ultimate betrayal.” Chloe was infinitely proud of her self-control; so far she had resisted the temptation to scour the Internet for details of Madeleine’s athletic history. She knew her own weaknesses, and beautiful athletes topped the list. Perusing Madeleine’s athletic accomplishments wouldn’t help her focus on figuring out her own life.