Chloe was relieved to see that Madeleine’s driveway had been plowed within the past few hours. There were only a few inches lining it. The walkway to her front door was a different story. Chloe saw her shovel parked safely on the porch, out of reach, and laughed.
“Wait here for a minute. I’ll clear a quick path so you can get to your door without snowshoes.”
She quickly changed from her oxfords to the Keen snow boots she always kept in the back seat, then, closing the door on any objections, quickly grabbed her own shovel from the back of the Jeep. Making light work of the short path, Chloe returned to the car, offered Madeleine her hand, and helped her step out. As they walked to the front door, snow swirled around them, giant flakes steadily falling, and the thick blanket of white covering the neighborhood shone brightly, reflecting the moonlight that had broken through the clouds. Chloe stood on the porch, enjoying the view as Madeleine fished her keys out of her purse.
“Chloe, thank you for everything. Seriously, you’ve been amazing.”
Unlocking and unlatching the door, Madeleine let it swing open. The snowflakes on her coat, in her hair, began to melt, leaving droplets glistening on the ridge of her sloping cheekbone. Chloe reached out, mesmerized and, softly, with the pad of her thumb, brushed them away. She stopped, anxious not to overstep again, but when she looked at Madeleine she saw her own desire reflecting back at her. She took a step closer.
“I’m not asking you for anything more tonight, but your eyes are telling me to kiss you. And I’m going to listen to them.”
Gently, seeking permission, Chloe barely brushed Madeleine’s lips with her own. She pulled back slightly, but unable to resist, returned, meeting Madeleine’s soft lips again. Tenderly they kissed, drinking each other in, trading sweet kisses until, feeling her desire threatening to bubble over, Chloe slowed herself and pulled back. After tracing Madeleine’s jawline with her thumb, she took another step back, then another.
“Good night, Madeleine.”
As she made her way through the thick snowfall back to the car, she couldn’t tell if Madeleine was still waiting on her porch and watching. It didn’t matter. Chloe had finally had the guts to put herself out there, to go out on a limb with no guarantee that it wouldn’t be sawn off, and it felt incredible. Normally she would have been petrified. Tonight, she felt…liberated. She was able to almost completely disregard the tiny bit of fear still churning around in her belly.
She slapped the steering wheel and grinned at herself in the rearview mirror. Way to go, Chloe! Too many times she had been content to let things happen only when she was comfortable, letting them come to her, or to ignore things, hoping they’d just go away. What was happening here, though, was too important to leave to chance. Chloe waited as a dark pickup drove down the street, then pulled out of the driveway and began the trek home, making a mental note to call Madeleine tomorrow to arrange to take her back to fetch her car.
Chapter Sixteen
Monday
“You did what?” Hannah’s voice was incredulous and rightly so, Chloe had to admit. She’d rationalized not calling her earlier because she knew Hannah had been busy over the weekend. It wouldn’t have interfered all that much to steal her best friend away from her work for a little while and update her, but something had held her back. She had wanted to savor the moment a little longer, keep it private so no one else could judge it.
So she’d waited until Monday evening to break the news. She might have put it off even longer if Madeleine had been around to distract her. But she wasn’t. She had texted Chloe on Sunday to let her know that after having lunch with Jaysa, they had picked up her car from the farm. That was the last she had heard from her. She was absent from school Monday, and that was conspicuous. Apparently she had not taken a sick day in the three years she had been employed at Wiscasset. Afraid it had more to do with her than with some germ, Chloe had needed to talk to Hannah.
“You heard me,” she said, a little defensively. “I thought you would be a little bit more proud of me, considering I was channeling some of your confidence and all.”
Hannah’s audible intake of breath was not a good sign of what was to come.
“So after everything that’s happened, you decided the best plan was to kiss her one more time, just to make sure she’s going to fuck you over?”
Ouch. Chloe hadn’t really considered it from this perspective, but in light of the fact that Madeleine hadn’t come to school today, Hannah’s point of view had some legitimacy.
“Come on, Hannah. You said it before. ‘Why not try something different for once?’ I’ve never done anything like this.”
“Finding the most emotionally unavailable woman in a fifty-mile radius and trying to seduce her is not the ‘something different’ I was referring to.”
“Fine, I’ll give you that. But it doesn’t have to mean anything. I kissed her and now I can move on. You’re ruining my buzz here.”
“Right, she’s out of your system just like that. Did you see her today?”
“Well, that’s the other thing.” Chloe braced herself for Hannah’s reaction. “She called in sick.”
The line got quiet. Chloe waited for the surge of censure she was sure would follow. Madeleine’s absence today had eroded all of her confidence. Though she didn’t know if she wanted to tell Hannah that bit.
“How are you feeling?” Hannah said quietly, her concern for her friend eclipsing her earlier consternation. She was completely keyed into Chloe’s feelings. Not surprising since they’d been friends for so long, but Chloe couldn’t help feel grateful for her understanding and support.
“I’ll survive. It just sucks.”
“The waiting bullshit is the worst. I wish I could tell you to let it go, but I know that’s not where your head is.”
“Exactly. I felt great all weekend, but now I’m going back over everything, second guessing.”
“Chloe, I love you, so I’m going to tell you how it is. You made your move—which, by the way, was pretty damn smooth. I’m impressed, I won’t lie.” Hannah’s laugh broke up the seriousness of their conversation. “That being said, you’re objectively smart and funny, not to mention attractive as hell. If she doesn’t know enough to at least talk to you, then you need to move on. And I will help you do that. I am your wingman after all.”
“I know you’re right. If she can’t talk to me, then I have to accept that. But right now I want you to distract me, okay?”
Sensing that her message had been received, Hannah obliged, relaying the details of her weekend, including the spontaneous date she had gone on with the doctor she had introduced herself to at their shared coffee shop last month. Chloe relaxed into her couch. Some things would always remain the same.
* * *
When Madeleine was nowhere to be found again on Tuesday, Chloe’s fears crystallized and her concentration evaporated. She realized she was in for a long day when she found her usually enjoyable juniors nearly intolerable. Clenching and unclenching her jaw repeatedly to prevent herself from snapping at benign questions from them, she had prayed she could make it to five o’clock. All the running she would do during practice would help de-stress her.
By the time she blew the whistle to signal the end of practice, she was ready to crawl into bed for the night. Disappointed didn’t touch on how frustrated she was with herself. Coming unglued over a woman was a rookie mistake, one that she had no intention of allowing to continue. Madeleine eventually would come back to the school, and when she did she would face her head on.
Wednesday
Chloe wiped down the whiteboard as her fourth-block students filed out. She was proud of herself. Today had been closer to normal. Though she hadn’t seen Madeleine, the fact that she hadn’t tried to seek her out either had reassured Chloe about her willpower, which had been on a hiatus as of late.
And now for something completely different, she thought. She switched her focus to her practice plan. The season was almost over and sh
e wanted to end on a win. If they were going to do that, they had to take better care of the ball. As she contemplated how to prepare the team to do that, Chloe barely heard the knock on her door.
“Are you terribly busy?”
Chloe froze for a second, then turned, drinking Madeleine in. Her face was still except for a slight smile. Chloe loved that smile.
“Not terribly, no.”
Nodding slightly, Madeleine walked over, hopping up on the table on the other side of the teaching bench from Chloe. Her hands were folded and her head bowed in an uncharacteristic show of nervousness.
“Are you feeling better?”
Madeleine hopped back off the bench and crossed the classroom, closing the door. When she returned, she stopped at the window. She remained silent.
Chloe had no idea how to proceed. She joined her at the window, hoping that might help Madeleine share what was on her mind.
Madeleine sighed. “I want to tell you something, but I need to know it will stay here between us. At least for now.”
“Whatever it is won’t leave this room,” Chloe said, even as her mind began to buzz with possible topics. Could this be a wholesale rejection? Coming clean about her past? Fear warred with a glimmer of hope and worry about Madeleine. Her sigh had physically pained Chloe, revealing the depth of exhaustion she was experiencing.
“I wasn’t sick these past two days. I came in to speak with Mark and then had to meet with my lawyer.”
Chloe’s stomach bottomed out. One kiss—okay, a few—and she’s filing a complaint? Realizing that Madeleine would hardly be talking to her if that were the case, she started to assess other possibilities. Or…is she resigning? She was opening her mouth to object when Madeleine turned to face her, instantly quieting the retort.
“I have filed a sexual harassment complaint about Landon with Mark, who urged me to secure an order of protection against him as well. The school is opening their own internal investigation.”
“Madeleine, that’s…” Chloe stopped short. Having the courage and conviction to face this, to reclaim the power… Telling Madeleine how she felt about her doing that was beyond the scope of her expression. She struggled to find words.
“You are absolutely incredible, Madeleine.”
Silence. Madeleine responded to Chloe’s encouragement with a shake of her head. She understood. Nothing she could say would erase the turmoil Madeleine was facing, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t try.
“What you’re doing, it’s so important. For you and for all of our girls. I hope you realize how much you’re doing for them, for the community, beyond how much you’re doing to take care of yourself.”
“It’s not an answer. It’s only the beginning, but I had to do this. For me.”
Chloe faltered, imagining Madeleine agonizing over this decision for so long. Alone. She had no right to be hurt that she hadn’t confided in her. Why then did she feel offense creeping in?
“I hope you don’t feel like you have to go this alone.” She made her quiet comment before she could consider whether it was wise or not.
“I’m not alone. I have my parents and Nate. They’ve all been great sounding boards this weekend. Mom and Dad offered to come out this week. Plus Mark is being so supportive.”
That stung. Chloe stamped the feeling down, trying hard not to make this about her.
“As long as you know you have people here who care about you.”
Madeleine nodded, her mouth set in a line. Chloe would have thought taking this action would have lightened Madeleine’s worries, but the crease in her brow showed anything but relief. She shifted gears.
“If you don’t want to talk about it with me, that’s fine. I know everything is just starting right now. But I have to ask. Did you get an order of protection?” She pulled herself away from the window, moving toward her chair at the front bench.
“Chloe…” Madeleine took two steps after her, then stopped. She flicked her eyes toward the door.
Chloe kicked herself for being so stupid. Of course Madeleine would be worried about where Landon was now that she had gotten the authorities involved. She moved toward her office. “Let’s talk in here.”
Nodding, Madeleine followed her into the small office. Chloe sat in her own chair and offered Madeleine the one next to her desk, the one used if a student ever came in to talk. Madeleine sat lightly, leaning back, setting her left arm on the edge of Chloe’s desk. Her posture was more relaxed, but Chloe still sensed some nervousness. The office suddenly felt incredibly intimate.
“I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about this, but I had to do it on my own. You pushed me before I was ready. But you were the one person who helped me get to this point. I kept thinking about how you said this wasn’t going to stop if I didn’t talk to someone. And I knew you weren’t just saying it, you’ve been here. I’m so grateful for you, I want you to know that.”
“Madeleine, I didn’t…”
She raised her hand, cutting Chloe off. “You did. You were here for me. You gave me the room I thought I needed, but you challenged me to be stronger, to learn from you. And I’m trying.”
Chloe would never cease to be impressed by this woman. She sat in the silence, relieved, but still concerned about how tense Madeleine was. Reaching out, she gently took her hand in her own.
“It’s going to be okay, you know.”
“How do you always make it feel so easy?”
The words were barely a whisper. Chloe tilted her head in confusion. Always?
“Madeleine?”
Silence. Chloe felt like she was ten steps behind in this conversation. Madeleine closed her eyes, leaning her head back against the wall behind her.
“I was engaged before.”
Unsure what to make of this new information, Chloe waited.
“Her name was Emma. We hadn’t been together long, just over a year and a half. She was vibrant, always moving or laughing. She surrounded herself with people and energy all the time. It was infectious. We met junior year, started dating over the summer. I was captivated.”
Madeleine sat forward, opening her eyes, though still avoiding eye contact. Chloe watched the rise and fall of Madeleine’s chest, willing her own muscles to relax as she waited. A war was raging inside Chloe, the urge to comfort vying with the need to understand.
“We were moving so fast. It was a whirlwind, and I was happy to be consumed. With training kicking into high gear for the national team, I was spending all my time with the girls on the road. Emma wasn’t the axis for my orbit anymore, like she had been after the season senior year. When she proposed, I was shocked, but thrilled. Everything was going so well.” The dark laugh that followed sounded so hollow.
“She moved into my apartment. It made sense. She would live in it while I traveled. I would come home to her. I was so consumed by soccer, I never realized…” Madeleine left the thought hanging, unfinished.
“When I woke up in the hospital and realized I was never going to play competitive soccer again, the only thing I could think was that I was lucky to have a fiancée who could help me through. That was until I was released from the hospital a day early and walked in on her with her ex.”
“Oh my god, Madeleine.” Her burgeoning feelings for Madeleine slammed into Chloe with physical force.
Madeleine turned her shoulders, finally facing Chloe again. Her face was filled with fear—and a longing Chloe hadn’t ever seen before. Standing, she pulled Madeleine into her arms. She held her tightly to her, her heart racing as she felt Madeleine’s cheek pressed to her chest. Chloe was sure Madeleine could hear the blood pumping in her veins, the drumbeat that was her heart.
Slowly Madeleine pulled back, then released herself from the hug.
“I don’t know if I can do this, Chloe, but you make me want to. You make it feel so easy but…”
Chloe’s heart lurched in her chest. The roller-coaster ride clearly was not over yet.
“But I lost everything all at once
before and now it feels like it’s happening again.”
Chloe was opening her mouth to speak when Madeleine shook her head, resignation replacing the confusion from before.
“You aren’t even mine to lose.” She walked out of the office. “I’ve got to go.”
Chloe stood there, reeling. Was it possible to hate a woman she didn’t know? Nausea bubbled up in her stomach. Emma was a fool. A selfish, heartless fool. But Madeleine was better off now, and that was the important thing. Chloe wanted to be with Madeleine, but above all else she wanted to see her happy. But what could she do to help her find that happiness? What did she truly want?
Madeleine was a virtuoso at sending mixed messages, but hadn’t she consistently come back, invited Chloe in emotionally? Their ski trip, then the wedding, reintroducing herself, even now opening up about Landon and her past. The words she’d said as she left haunted Chloe. “You aren’t even mine to lose.” Wasn’t it obvious that she cared about Madeleine? She had made it clear, or so she thought, when she had kissed her after the wedding. But a kiss could mean a lot of different things. She hadn’t told her what she was feeling. She had been afraid to admit it even to herself. How could Madeleine know with any certainty where she stood? It was now or never.
She took out her phone, typed a message, hit send, then threw the phone on the desk. The only thing left to do was go back to getting ready for practice. And wait. She was never very good at waiting. But there was nothing else for her now. She had played her cards, had finally taken the step that was necessary to make it clear to Madeleine she wanted to be with her. It was up to her to decide if she was ready.
Relationship troubles also would not get her a pass from her players, who expected her to help them win their final game. Checking her watch, Chloe saw she had an hour and a half before the boys’ practice ended. Returning to her office, she pulled her duffel bag from beneath the desk. Placing her practice pad on the front lab bench, she looked over the rough outline she had made of drills they could work on. They needed to be ready for the half-court trap that Bar Harbor was known for. Tonight she would concentrate on passing-skill work drills under pressure and live action. To the extent she could concentrate, that is, and not obsess about how Madeleine was reacting to her message. She gave herself a mental kick in the pants and tried to block out all thoughts that were not related to basketball.
Breaking Even Page 27