An unfamiliar, unwelcome feeling of loneliness began to spread through her. Where was her self-sufficiency? she asked herself furiously. Where was her independence? Where was her sense of humour? She bit her lip and pushed her hand through her hair, and wondered whether she should simply turn round and go for another long walk. And then the answer came to her: she would go to her studio and paint. She would paint until she had worked out of her system the anxiety, the hurt, the grief. She would channel the destructive feelings pounding round her body into something positive. She would make use of the moment.
Quickly she headed for the back of the house and towards her studio, then she remembered she didn’t have the keys on her. An uncharacteristic white-hot annoyance flashed through her body.
‘Fuck,’ she said aloud, and quietly opened the conservatory door. She would quickly get them from her bedroom and hope that no-one heard her.
But as she moved silently through the conservatory, she heard voices from the hall. She paused, mid-stride, and wondered whether to back out again, into the garden, but that would leave her stranded. So, taking a deep breath, she pushed unwillingly forward into the hall.
What she saw made her stop still and draw in breath sharply. There, by the door, talking to Ursula, were Barnaby and Louise Kember.
Meredith felt herself recoil slightly and her heart begin to beat more quickly, in anticipation of a confrontation. She glanced quickly at Ursula, but Ursula looked unperturbed. She was standing near the stairs, dressed in her pretty blue and white dressing-gown, actually smiling up at Barnaby. As Meredith came in, she turned and beamed at her.
‘Meredith, dear,’ she said. ‘I’m so glad you’re back! The Kembers have come here with some wonderful news.’
Meredith stared blankly at Ursula. Dimly she registered that Louise and Barnaby were holding hands.
‘They’re calling off the case,’ said Ursula. ‘They’ve decided not to go to court after all. Isn’t that marvellous?’
Louise smiled hesitantly at Meredith, who looked back numbly. Her throat felt constricted; she was unable to speak.
‘We suddenly realized that we just couldn’t go through with it,’ said Louise, in a rush. ‘For … for several reasons. We’re pulling out completely. And we just wanted to say how sorry we are, for all the trouble it’s caused, and everything. I hope you can forgive us.’
She smiled again at Meredith.
‘Well, dear, isn’t that lovely?’ said Ursula, beaming at Meredith. ‘Hugh will be so pleased.’
Meredith stared back at her with a white, taut face. All the emotions that had been pounding separately through her body seemed to be coming together in one huge rolling tidal wave of anger.
‘Lovely?’ she managed to whisper. ‘You’re saying this is lovely?’
She stared at Ursula’s smiling face for a few seconds, trying desperately to keep on top of it, trying to keep her head. But then, suddenly, the wave broke, and through her body surged a terrifying fury which she couldn’t begin to control.
‘You’ve ruined our lives!’ she screamed, rounding on Louise and Barnaby like a killer tigress. ‘You’ve ruined our lives, and you have the nerve to come here, like Mr and Mrs fucking Happy Couple, and expect to be forgiven! Well, it’s too late! You should have thought of that before you decided to take everything away from us. You should have thought of that before you gave Hugh a heart attack!’
She swooped on Louise, so that their two faces were only inches apart.
‘I will never forgive you’, she said savagely, ‘for what you did to Hugh. Do you think you can take that away by saying sorry? Do you?’ Her voice rose to a scream. ‘Because if you do, you’re wrong. Our lives will never be the same again, and it’s your fault! It’s your … your greed which did it all. You don’t ever deserve to be forgiven. Ever!’
Louise took a step backwards. Her face was white and trembling and there were unshed tears in her eyes.
‘Meredith!’ said Ursula in an almost sharp voice. ‘You don’t know what you’re saying, dear.’
‘Don’t defend them, Ursula!’ shrieked Meredith. ‘Don’t let them get away with it that easily!’
‘It’s not easy!’ cried Louise suddenly. ‘OK, we made a mistake, and we’re sorry, but we haven’t had it easy!’
‘We’ll do anything we can to make up,’ said Barnaby gruffly. ‘We’ll pay your legal fees, and we’ll visit Hugh …’
‘We don’t want your fucking money, and we don’t want you in this house!’ Meredith’s voice lashed across the hall.
‘Meredith!’ said Ursula. ‘You really mustn’t talk like this! I’m sorry,’ she said quietly to Louise. ‘She was very upset by Hugh …’
‘Don’t apologize for me!’ yelled Meredith. And suddenly, to everyone’s horror, she burst into huge, pent-up, shuddering sobs. Barnaby caught Louise’s eye. She looked aghast.
‘Don’t apologize for me!’ Meredith shouted again, furiously wiping her eyes. ‘If I’m embarrassing you, Ursula, then I’ll go, but I’m not going to forgive them. Not now, not ever.’
And abruptly, without looking any of them in the face, she turned, and half walked, half ran up the stairs. As she rounded the corner of the landing, she gave another huge sob.
Barnaby relaxed his grip on Louise’s hand. He looked shaken.
‘I’m so sorry,’ he began in a low trembling voice. Ursula looked up at him.
‘Yes,’ she said simply. ‘Yes, so am I.’
‘I didn’t realize’, he said, ‘how destructive this case was. I didn’t realize how much damage we were causing.’ He gazed entreatingly at Ursula. ‘I just don’t know what we can do to make up,’ he muttered in a hopeless voice. ‘I just don’t know. I just wish we could start again. I just wish …’
He broke off, and there was a long miserable pause.
‘We ought to go,’ said Barnaby eventually, ‘we’ve disturbed your morning enough.’ He took Louise’s hand. ‘We’ll be in touch.’
‘No, don’t go yet,’ said Ursula. She drew her dressing-gown more closely around her and looked thoughtfully at them both. ‘We all need some fresh air, I think. Let’s go outside.’
* * *
The morning air felt clean and pure as they stepped out of the warm dank conservatory. As they walked, Barnaby took several deep breaths, then glanced at Louise; she still looked pale and shocked, and seemed unable to return his tentative smile. Through his head rang Meredith’s bitter screams, and he winced. Then his eyes swivelled over to Ursula; her face was collected, composed, almost serene.
Suddenly, with a shock, Barnaby realized where she was heading.
‘Here we are,’ said Ursula softly. Louise and Barnaby looked at each other. In front of them, glistening bright blue in the pale sunshine, was the swimming-pool.
They watched numbly as Ursula sat down by the water’s edge, and obediently did the same when she gestured to the ground next to her. Louise stared ahead blankly, shrinking at first from the gleaming silent pool, from the memories and the horror and the danger. But the water had a strange compelling power. After a few minutes, without quite meaning to, she found herself slipping off her shoes and, one by one, very slowly, lowering her feet into the pool. The clean chilling water rose gradually up her calves until her legs were knee-deep; vague mushroomy limbs floating in the blueness.
‘I always knew’, said Ursula in a soft, almost dreamy voice, ‘that you would decide against going to court in the end. I knew it. I tried to tell them,’ she smiled at Louise, ‘but no-one would listen to me.’
‘We didn’t know ourselves until last night,’ said Louise.
‘I knew it,’ repeated Ursula gently. She lowered a hand into the water and trailed it along the shiny surface. ‘I knew you would come round, eventually.’ She looked at Louise with a faintly complacent expression.
‘It was my letter, wasn’t it?’
‘What?’ said Louise, startled.
‘My letter,’ said Ursula happily. ‘I was so
sure that when you read it – when you understood – you would change your mind.’ She beamed at Louise. ‘Wasn’t I right?’
Louise looked at Ursula’s innocent face. Into her mind came a vision of pale mauve paper covered in foolish, incriminating, loopy writing, now filed away as evidence in one of Cassian’s files. She bit her lip.
‘Well,’ she said eventually, not looking at Barnaby, ‘I suppose it did help, yes. In a way.’
‘I knew it would,’ said Ursula. She sighed contentedly and smiled at Louise. ‘And you were never really in love with that young man, were you?’
Louise glanced at Barnaby. She felt herself turn pink.
‘Well,’ she said, ‘no, not really.’
‘There,’ said Ursula in a satisfied voice, ‘I knew that, too.’
Louise leaned back on her elbows, closed her eyes, and felt the water lapping gently, soothingly, against her legs. They floated aimlessly, weightlessly, in the cool supporting depths; she felt almost as though she might float off with them. Without thinking, she said, ‘I must take the girls swimming.’
She broke off abruptly. A tiny tension ran through the silence like a silvery thread.
‘Before the end of the summer,’ she carried on bravely. ‘Just so that …’ She paused uncertainly. ‘So that they don’t …’ She tailed away and bit her lip. A breeze rustled the leaves in the trees nearby and she felt goose bumps rising on her bare arms.
‘I think’, said Ursula at last, ‘that’s a very good idea.’ There was a pause, then she added in hopeful, hesitant tones, ‘Is it true … is it really true that Katie is going back to school?’
‘Yes,’ said Louise eventually. ‘Yes, it is. She’s going to start off part-time and see how she does. She’s … she’s much better.’
‘Oh, I’m so glad,’ said Ursula in a voice that trembled slightly. ‘I’m so, so glad. We all hoped and prayed so much …’
For a long while nobody said anything. Then Barnaby asked in a hoarse voice, ‘How’s Hugh?’
‘He’s much better, too,’ said Ursula. ‘Much better.’ She smiled at Barnaby. ‘Everything’s much better now.’
Louise’s lips quivered and she began to cry softly. Tears streamed like warm raindrops down her face.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she said hopelessly. ‘I don’t know what else to say to you. I’m so sorry.’
‘Don’t,’ said Ursula gently. ‘Don’t cry … and don’t be sorry.’ She reached over and put a warm papery hand on Louise’s. ‘Be glad,’ she said. ‘Be glad that the worst is over now. For all of us, the worst is over.’
Louise gave a huge shuddering sigh, and gratefully clasped Ursula’s hand. She looked up at Barnaby and gave him a hesitant, tearful smile. And the three of them sat together in a gentle silence, staring ahead, watching the deep blue water glinting in the sunshine.
THE END
Swimming Pool Sunday Page 28