“Not hungry,” I snap at her. She closes the door softly behind as she leaves. She can’t give me what I need. Only Edgar can. He’s been giving me a little bit every day before school, and it’s enough to get me through to the next day. But today’s Saturday, and I’m not going to see him until Monday again. He said he’s busy, got a few things on. Whatever that means.
I lean over to pick up my phone, and notice how my hands have a slight tremor to them. I probably need something to eat. I ring Edgar’s number. It rings out, so I dial it again. “Hey,” he says in his sultry tone.
“Hey, can I see you today?” I ask.
“No, I’m busy.”
“I know… but I really need a little bit.”
“Hannah,” he huffs frustrated. “I can’t keep giving it to you. It doesn’t grow on trees.”
“Please?” I beg. “I’ll do anything you want.”
He chuckles. “Yeah, I know you will. But no, I don’t have time.”
“Please. I have money. Come on, please?” The begging is painful for me to hear. But I need some, just a little bit. Enough to get me through the day, that’s all. I can quit, but I don’t want to. It makes me feel so alive. I love it. It sends me somewhere so high, I know no one can touch me. “Please?”
He’s quiet for a moment. My need grows hungrier and more desperate. “I’ll meet you down at the bus stop in an hour.”
“Yes!” Jumping out of bed, I quickly get dressed, and head out to the kitchen to find Mom making scrambled eggs. Crap, I need money, and I only have my ATM card, so I need cash. “Hey, Mommy,” I say as I walk over to her and give her a huge hug. “Sorry, I snapped at you. I’m just stressed from school, and an assignment I have due.”
Mom lets out a breath of relief. “That’s okay. Do you want to come to the mall with me, or would you rather stay here and do your assignment?”
Running my hand up and down my arm, I notice how sensitive my skin has become. “I’ll stay here,” I say to Mom. “When do you think you’ll be going?” I look around the kitchen, and see her handbag sitting up on the counter.
“I’ll eat breakfast, then finish getting ready. I won’t be long out, maybe an hour or two.”
Perfect. “Okay.” I keep an eye on her bag. It’s my beacon. I know she’ll have money in there. I’ll wait ’til she’s getting ready and take fifty dollars. I’ll go to the bank and take fifty out of my account to replace it.
The annoying little voice in my head screams. Don’t steal, Hannah!
I’m repaying it. It’s just for now.
Mom’s talking, and all I can think about is getting some more into me. I so can stop.
“Huh?” I ask Mom when I catch her staring at me.
“You’ve lost weight, you need to eat.” She offers me her eggs.
“It’s stress, from school.” My mind is formulating how I’m going to take money out of her purse without her seeing.
Mom’s still talking, but other than money and meeting up with Edgar, nothing else matters. Until I see Edgar, my head will remain jumbled and unclear. It’s like a huge fog bank has nestled its way into my brain, and I can’t get out of it.
As I watch Mom’s mouth moving, and I vow to myself to stop after today. I just need one suck of the pipe. That should be enough to take the edge off and then I’ll stop. I promise.
“… ready now,” Mom cheerfully says as she comes in to give me a hug. She sniffs toward my hair and steps back. “You need to wash your hair.”
Why? Can she smell something? No, impossible, I’m being overly careful.
I think back to the day I ditched school; the school called her and asked her where I was. I got home before she did, and was out of it from what Edgar and I had done, so faking being sick was easy. She believed me. I mean, she had no reason not to.
Guilt burdens me and a deep sorrow forms in the pit of my stomach. I shouldn’t lie to my parents, but then again, they’re lying to me. Edgar showed me more emails from Mom to the mystery man, and it made me sick.
Mom’s concerned stare brings me back to the now. “What?” I ask.
“Are you okay? You zoned out.” She reaches over to feel my forehead. “You don’t feel warm, are you feeling okay?”
Crap, I don’t want her to stay home. I need her to go out, so I can meet Edgar. “Yeah, I’m fine.” I smile at her to show how terrific I am. “Need any house work done?” I ask as I turn toward the sink to look if there’s anything that needs to be rinsed and stacked in the dishwasher.
“If you can vacuum while I’m at the mall, that’ll be a help.”
“Sure thing. When’s Dad coming home?” I ask just to make sure he’s not here when I leave to meet up with Edgar.
“Don’t you remember? He’s got that trip to Las Vegas this weekend,” Mom replies. Her tone is tinged with concern. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
Pull it together, Hannah! “Yeah, I’m okay. I just forgot.” He’s probably gambling the rest of their money away.
“Okay, I’m going to get ready.”
I hang around the kitchen, watching as Mom disappears down the hallway and into her bedroom. She closes the door, and I wait for a few seconds to make sure she doesn’t return.
My heart is beating fast as I open her bag, reach in, and grab her wallet.
I shouldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t be taking her money. The guilt overtakes the need, and I place her wallet back in her bag. But my need screams again. It’s a tug-of-war between the two of them. I take her wallet out, and flip the top up. Inside the bill compartment, there’s a few twenties, tens, and fifties. I count it quickly. There’s over four hundred dollars in her purse. By the time she notices a fifty gone, I would’ve put it back already. Problem solved.
No, I shouldn’t take it.
Come on, Hannah. It’s the last time you’ll use any. You’re quitting. Just cut loose and have fun.
No. This is so wrong.
The money tempts me. It’s just sitting there, waiting for me to take it.
I’m a good daughter, I don’t ask for much. I nearly always do everything they want me to do. And it’s just fifty dollars.
Don’t take it.
Take it and have a bit of fun.
I swallow the lump sitting in the base of my throat, and pull out a fifty-dollar bill. Maybe, I should take another, in case fifty isn’t enough. No, stop. Enough.
Okay, just one more. One hundred should be plenty.
I shove the money in my back pocket, close the top of her wallet and place it back in her bag.
The guilt is still there, but it’s outweighed by the excitement of what’s going to happen over the next few hours. I can’t wait for Edgar to pick me up. I run to my room, and hide the money. Checking my phone, I see there’s a message from Edgar. Wear something sexy, I’m taking you to a party.
Giddily, I ruffle through my drawer for a pretty underwear and bra set, then I search my wardrobe for something cute to wear. I’m so excited. We’re going to have an amazing time.
He was right. Using meth and having sex afterward is mind blowing. Every inhibition dissolves and it takes you away to the highest of places. I love it.
Maybe, instead of quitting, I can have a tiny amount of crystal meth when I’m having sex. You know, I really don’t like the name crystal meth. I prefer the term ice. Whenever I use it, my body covers in goosebumps, and a bolt of ice courses through my veins. It’s exhilarating, and so damned liberating.
No rules. No exams. No teachers. No parents. Just me and the high of ice.
My mouth is parched and I do a small dance as I get my clothes ready. I head into the bathroom to shower. I’ll wash my hair, and make sure I’m looking extra good for Edgar.
I’m in the shower when Mom opens the door. “I’m going now, sweetheart.”
“Okay,” I say happily. Happily, because I know Edgar’s coming over soon. Like a light bulb moment, something flashes warm inside of me. I think I love him. He looks after me, treats me well, and
he’s super sexy. Despite the fact, he’s considerably older than me, he thinks I’m sexy too. He doesn’t treat me like I’m a schoolkid. He treats me like I’m a sexy, desirable adult. And I love that.
“Be back soon.”
“Okay, have fun.” Cause I know I’ll be having the time of my life. But I also know I have to tell Edgar that I’m going to quit. I think he’ll be okay with it. I’m sure he loves me like I love him, so he should be okay with my decision.
I quickly finish washing myself, turn the water off, and jump out of the shower with a spring to my step. Heading into my bedroom, I check the time, and see Edgar will be here in the next twenty minutes. I towel dry my hair and body and get changed into my cute bra and underwear. I’ve found something to wear, but it’s conservative and not seductive enough for a party or for Edgar.
I know Mom has a red mini skirt she wore to a party once, so I pad down the hallway to her and Dad’s room, and open her closet. Ruffling through her wardrobe, I find the mini skirt and slide it on. It’s a bit big around the waist but it barely covers my butt. Mom wore it with stockings and knee high boots. She went as a go-go dancer to the party and she looked awesome. I also find a tank top with thin spaghetti straps hanging behind the red mini-skirt.
I put the tank on, and it barely covers my midriff. Paired with the skirt, I look hot and edgy. Edgar’s going to lose his shit the moment he sees me. I head back to my room, and find my pair of black high heels. When I wear the outfit as a whole, I know I’m looking good.
I tie my hair back in a severe ponytail, and apply red lipstick. “Yeah, you look good,” I say to my reflection in the mirror.
I do notice though, my collar bones are protruding a bit, and I scrunch my nose at the site of that. I’m petite by nature, but now it looks like I’ve lost a few pounds. I make a mental note to eat more, because I don’t want to look like a skeleton.
Checking the time again, I get more excited knowing Edgar is on his way to me. I take the hundred dollars from where I hid it, and grab my phone. Heading outside, I walk to the bus stop to where Edgar said he was meeting me.
I don’t have to wait long before a black limousine pulls up in front of me. The back passenger window slowly drops, and I see Edgar sitting inside. “My my my,” he says as his gaze drops down my body. “We’re going to have a lot of fun tonight, kitty.”
“Eeeek!” I squeal with excitement.
“Get in.” The door opens, and he moves over. I climb in, and over to him straight away. I sit on his lap, and start kissing him. “Your breath stinks, did you brush your teeth?” he asks.
“I’m sorry.” I duck away, embarrassed by my breath. “Have you got gum?” I ask.
My bodyguard, who hasn’t been at school for a week, chuckles. “It’s started,” he says to Edgar.
“What’s started?” I ask.
“Nothing,” Edgar says and takes a glass pipe out of his pocket.
Exhilaration bursts through me. “Yes,” I shriek with delight. “Oh my God, I missed you,” I direct my statement to the rocks he’s putting in the glass pipe.
“You miss this more than me?” Edgar asks.
Lifting my head, I smile at him. “I miss you most of all. Followed closely by my little friend.” I tap the pipe, and wait ’til he’s prepared it so I can smoke.
“Naughty kitty.” He offers the pipe to me.
Taking it between my lips, I inhale as he lights it.
Instant relief.
“That feels so good,” I say slowly as I let the smoke sit in my lungs, filling them up, giving me a high so powerful and delicious. I let out the smoke, and open my eyes to see Edgar smirking at me. “Tell me about this party we’re going to.” I lean in and start kissing the column of his neck. He smells so sweet, like sunshine mixed with rain.
“It’s a party a friend of mine is putting on. Actually, it’s been going since last night.”
“Sounds like a lot of fun.” I unbutton his shirt, and make my way down his chest.
Grabbing my hair by the ponytail, he forces my head lower.
I know what he wants, and I have no problem in giving it to him.
I’m not sure where the party is, because I wasn’t exactly paying attention to my surroundings in the limousine.
But the car has slowed at the entrance to a long, winding driveway. I look around, trying to figure out where we are. I can’t see the house, and all we’re surrounded by is tall trees and the mountains. “Where are we?” I ask.
“Fix your top.” Edgar points to my tank top, and I giggle as I notice my breasts are exposed.
“Oops,” I say and tuck myself back in to my bra.
“Here, have this.” He holds the pipe out for me again, this time putting in some more rocks.
“If you insist,” I say taking in another breath. He tries to take it away, but I inhale once more, getting as much into me as I can. The feeling is unbelievable. I feel invincible, like no one and nothing can touch me. My body dances merrily to the song playing in my head. “I feel so good,” I say as I close my eyes and sway to the music.
“Kitty,” Edgar draws me back to him.
“Yeah,” I dreamily reply, still moving my body from side to side.
“I want you to have fun, okay?”
“I’m having the best time.” I open my eyes, lean in, and kiss his cheek. “Thank you,” I whisper. He’s looking after me so well.
The car winds up the long driveway, and when we reach the top, I see a mega house sitting high and proud. The house looks like a movie star would live in it. It’s white and airy, and has an ocean feel to it, even though there’s no ocean near here.
Edgar gets out of the car, and holds his hand out to me. “If you need some more, come find me, okay?”
“Oh, before I forget.” I take the hundred dollars out of my phone case, and hold it out to Edgar.
He looks down at the money and shakes his head. “It’s okay, I think I have another way you can pay me.” He winks and smirks. And I giggle again, because I know what he wants.
“Okay,” I say. “Sounds like a good exchange.”
We head into the house, and the first thing I see is men standing outside holding big guns. Man, what type of movie star needs men with guns?
“Now, I want you on your best behavior,” Edgar whispers.
“I won’t let you down.”
“Edgar,” a man in a very expensive suit greets us. He looks me up and down and smiles. “She’s cute,” he says as he steps forward, and kisses me on the mouth. “What’s your name, sugar?”
“I’m Hannah,” I say as I look past him and see the pool sparkling in the sunlight. “You have a pool!” I nearly yell.
There’s a bunch of girls in there, swimming around naked. “Yes, I do.”
I turn to Edgar, “Can I go?” I ask already unzipping my mini skirt.
“Go, have fun.”
“Eeek.” I kick off my shoes, take off all my clothes, dropping them where I am and run out to the pool. Jumping in, I make a huge splash. The girls in the pool, all about my age or a bit older, look over at me. “Hi!” I say once I’ve come up.
“Hi,” they respond happily in unison.
One of the girls swims over to me, and touches my hair. “Your hair is so pretty,” she says.
“Thank you.” I smile to her. She looks like she’s having a good time. Her eyes are glassy, and she’s smiling at me. She leans in and starts kissing me. I’ve never kissed a girl before. It’s different from kissing Edgar. Her lips are softer, and gentler. She moves close to me, I can feel her breasts on mine. It’s not a bad feeling at all.
I look around and find Edgar and the suit guy sitting in chairs on the patio, watching us. There are a few other guys too. They’ve all got drinks in their hands. But all eyes are on me and this other girl.
I like it.
I like how they’re watching us.
I like what it’s doing to me.
And I like how Edgar is watching us.
&
nbsp; Before I even realize, more guys gather around the pool. The other girls are giggling, and some of them are kissing, too. This is so much fun.
I’m so free.
I put on a show, and I love how the men are watching us. They’re talking in low voices, and some have moved quite close to the pool to watch. I watch Edgar watching me. I’d do anything for him. Anything.
Chapter 14
Stumbling through the front door, Mom and Dad are pacing back and forth.
“Hannah, what the hell happened to you? Where have you been?” Mom asks as she comes straight over to me.
“What?” I ask, still high from the pipe I sucked on in the car coming over here.
“Hannah, are you high?” She aggressively holds my chin and stares into my eyes.
“No, Mom,” I respond, and giggle.
“Your pupils are huge, and your eyes are bloodshot. You’re barely looking at me.”
“I’m just tired,” I say and giggle again.
“What’s so funny?” she asks as she lets go of my chin and steps backward.
Shrugging, I look around not really able to tell them about the best time of my life. “Can I just go to my room, I’m tired,” I laugh again.
“No, you can’t.” Dad steps in front of me and crosses his arms in front of his chest.
“What? You think you’re going to stop me?” I laugh in his face.
“Hannah, you’ve been gone since yesterday. It’s Sunday night. Where have you been?” Dad asks.
“It’s not Sunday, it’s Saturday. And why aren’t you on your ’business trip’?” I air-quote business trip. What I wanna say, is why aren’t you gambling away everything you’ve worked for.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asks.
Mom looks to Dad, surprised. “Oh yeah, I know about you…” I point to Dad, then point to Mom and add, “…and I know about you too.” I let out another laugh. “You’re both fucking jokes. You’re lecturing me about going out today, when both of you are fucked in the head.”
“Hannah!” Mom yells at me. “What has gotten into you? You disappeared for nearly two days, we tried calling you, and Kristen, we tried everyone we know to ask if they’d seen you, and no one had. And now, you’ve shown up, high as a kite, and rude. What is going on with you?”
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