Edge of Darkness Box Set

by Margaret McHeyzer

  “I’m… ”

  “Don’t say you’re sorry unless you’re committed to changing your life. Because if you say you’re sorry and relapse, it’s an insult to me, my brother, and my family.” I gasp, unsure on how to respond. “That’s the hard reality, Hannah. There’s no sugar coating it.”

  Suddenly, a blanket of silence falls over us. It’s an awkward situation. I am sorry, but his brother isn’t me either. I’m not sure how to respond considering Martin just shot down what I was going to say. “I’m tired,” I say and offer him a weak smile. It’s the best I can do.

  I don’t want a lecture about how I screwed up. I don’t want to hear it.

  Standing, I give Martin a small nod and turn to head down the hallway toward my room. I can hear footsteps behind me and know Mom’s only a few feet away. “Hannah,” she says. But I close the door, and for the first time wish the lock was on the inside, so I could lock the world out.

  I don’t need to feel any worse than I already do.

  Lying on the bed, I hear my door creak open, then close a moment later. I listen for anything. But I can’t really hear any noise coming from outside my room. My head pounds with a heavy pain, and my body responds to what I once thought of as safe. I want the pipe again. I need it. It helps me cope. It’s the only real thing I’ve ever had that’s helped me through life.

  Crying, I curl myself into a ball and try to get past all this shit going through me. I can’t keep thinking that the pipe is the answer, if I’m going to stay clean. But it’s still got a hold on me.

  The hold is incredibly strong, but I’m fighting it.

  Chapter 27

  Day Eight.

  My mind is clearer. It’s still incredibly difficult to think, but at least it’s clearer than it has been. I’m not filled with haziness and fog. Actually, no, that’s not right. I am, but it’s lifting a little bit more every day.

  I think about the pipe every second, of every minute, of every hour. I can also recognize how I’m still a slave to it. And I’m not so delusional as to think I could’ve stopped whenever I wanted. The fact is, I wouldn’t have stopped. I probably would’ve died with a pipe lying beside me, just like Martin’s brother.

  My parents took me, kidnapped me, and if they didn’t, I have no doubt I would’ve died. I do think about Sky, though, and wonder how she is. I hope she’s got someone searching for her and that they find her. She never talked about her family, or at least, I can’t remember if she did. Every moment we spent together was about us getting high. Me with the pipe, her with a needle and sometimes the pipe.

  I shake my head to try and dislodge those memories. Not because I’m ashamed of them, but because the bitter, yet slightly sweet taste of it still coats the inside of my mouth. The smell makes me close my eyes as I imagine the aroma. It had a slight hospital smell to it, with a touch of sweetness. It’s hard to describe, but I knew when someone was smoking it close to me. It’s like a marker of stability and strength that locks onto you and doesn’t let you go.

  I catch myself drooling, salivating with a desire to be near a pipe again.

  The yearning is broken the moment my door opens. “Hannah, Kristen’s here and wants to see you.”

  “What?” I ask as I turn on my bed. “I’m not sure I… ” I want to say no, but I also want to see her. I need to apologize to her, and grovel for forgiveness for my behavior, even though I’m not entirely sure what I’ve said to her. I just know it wasn’t good.

  “She’s come to see you.”

  My heart hurts and my stomach cramps with worry. “Okay,” I sigh. I try to delay getting out of bed, but I know she’s not going ’til she sees me. I have to face her, regardless of how I feel.

  I stand to my feet, and with wobbly knees and clammy hands, I head out to the family room. When I reach it. Kristen is looking like the beautiful blonde bombshell she always was.

  “Hannah,” she says and moves forward to hug me.

  I step back, not wanting her to touch me. “Don’t,” I say as tears form in my eyes. “Don’t let my dirty rub off on you.”

  “You’re not dirty,” she says, her eyes taking me in.

  “I mean my dirty past.”

  She hangs her head slightly, then nods. I’m so ashamed. “Will you sit, and talk with me?” She sits where Martin was, and I sit in the single arm chair again. “You’re looking so good. Your skin is clearing up beautifully.” She smiles.

  “These past few days have been hell. And I’ve had time to think about everything I’ve said and done. But it’s all so foggy for me. If I’ve done anything to you, I’m sorry.”

  She lifts her brows, and I see the sparkle of tears in her eyes. “You’ve not been a good person.”

  An arrow is shot straight through my heart. “I’m sorry,” I say again. But what else can I say?

  “I got into college.” She changes the subject, that for me is the kindest thing she can do. I don’t want to relive my dark days. I just want to move on from them.

  “Yeah? So, you’ll be studying interior design?” I ask. “Living the dream.” She smiles and I smile, but inside I’m dead. I’m not living the dream I wanted for myself, I’m detoxing and thinking about nothing but the smell and taste of the pipe.

  “I am.” It’s quiet and tense. “A lot of people heard about what happened to you at school.”

  My throat constricts. “Yeah?” I ask, my voice squeaky and high.

  “Some not very nice things were said, but mostly, everyone was hoping you’d get clean.”

  “Yeah?” My stomach knots and I feel like I’m going to hurl.

  “Some people weren’t so nice though.”

  I look around, and hope Mom can save me, but she’s not in the kitchen. I’m not sure where she is. I lift my shoulders and wipe at the tears that are falling. “I bet,” I respond. It’s not meant to be malicious, but I can just imagine what I’d say if someone I knew got hooked on drugs, back when I was clean.

  “So many videos made the rounds, and that was brutal to watch.”

  “Videos?” I ask. “What videos?”

  “The porn movies you made.”

  “Porn movies?” My heart’s beating like crazy inside my chest. “What are you talking about?” Shit, did I make porn movies? Did I consent to having sex in front of the camera? Oh shit… oh shit.

  My heart is beating like crazy, and my pulse is rushing so high, I can feel tightness across my chest. “You don’t know?” Kristen stares me, her mouth open and the color draining from her face.

  “There are porn movies out there I’m in?” I ask slowly, making sure I have all the information.

  “A few of them, on PornHub.”

  I gag from the vomit, trying to hold it in. My breathing is short and shallow but rapid. “I didn’t make any movies like that,” I barely manage to say through my shortness of breath.

  “Hannah, you did. I saw one and nearly threw up. I couldn’t believe that was you. I didn’t want to believe it, but it was.”

  Standing, I run. I run straight out the front door, and I’m surprised it wasn’t locked. I keep running down the street and away from here. I made those videos, and I don’t remember making them. What is wrong with me?

  My lungs are burning as I keep running, I’m not physically fit, I’m still recovering from all the drugs in my system. But I have to push and get away from here.

  Do my parents know?

  Do my neighbors know?

  Oh my God. This is something else.

  This is much worse than I thought it was. Tears keep falling, making my vision blurry. But I don’t care, I need to get somewhere away from everyone so I can think. I don’t know where to go.

  I don’t care either. I just need to be gone.

  I keep running, taking back streets instead of the main streets. I know my parents will come looking for me. I also know Kristen and Martin will be searching for me too.

  I keep running until I can’t run anymore.

  My feet are s
ore from running on the rough, coarse pavement in my slippers, and my heart feels like it’s going to explode out of my chest. I have no idea how far I’ve run. Maybe a mile, maybe two or three. I don’t know. I don’t even know where I am. Everything from before drugs is fuzzy. I don’t even feel like I own my body. I’m merely a host for whatever’s taken over.

  I keep walking, looking behind me in case they’ve caught up with me. I can’t let them see me like this. They’ll think I’m lost.

  Maybe I am.

  I don’t know anything anymore.

  I head down a side street, and keep going, jogging until I finally hit another street. This seems familiar, but I don’t know where I am.

  A familiar bridge comes into view and I run toward it, still unsure of where I am, but I know it’s somewhere I’ve been before. I cross the bridge, looking around me. I’ve definitely been here before.

  My feet know where they’re going, but I don’t. I keep jogging, I’m not even sure how long I’ve been gone for.

  Finally, I stop and bend at the waist. I brace my hands on my knees and take several deep breaths, trying to get air into my lungs. Straightening, I keep walking, trying to think where I am, rubbing at a stitch in my side.

  I hate this constant state of confusion I’m in. I keep going, opting not to stand still for too long because I don’t know where I am. But the problem is, I don’t know where I’m going either.

  I stick to back streets, making sure I’m not seen by anyone. I have no idea where I am.

  “Hannah?”

  I turn to see a girl standing in front of me. She’s a mess. She’s smiling, and I see her teeth are black and rotting. She’d be pretty, if it wasn’t for the marks all over her. She steps toward me, and opens her arms for a hug. “Sky?” I ask, unsure of if Sky was my imagination, or a real person.

  “Where have you been? I thought you were dead.” She hugs me tightly. Her odor hits me right in the nose. I don’t breathe in while she’s hugging me. She looks terrible. “Look at you. Have you gotten clean? I always said you’re too good for a place like this.” She throws her hands out, indicating the streets.

  “Wait, do you still have the apartment?” I ask.

  “Yeah, had to suck the landlord off for last week’s rent. But I got him money this week. He won’t be throwing our asses out for at least another week. But rent is on you this time.”

  “I don’t have any money,” I say feeling sorry for her.

  “Oh shit. Well, Justin’s been asking about you. He got so mad you didn’t show up to work. Said if I saw you to tell him. It’s okay, I worked it off for ya. You owe me.” She smiles again, showing me her rotten teeth. “You coming back home?” She starts walking quickly in the direction of the room.

  I shouldn’t, but I need to get my head clear before I go home. I’m so ashamed of those movies, that I don’t know what to say to my parents. “Just for a bit. Hey, have you got a phone?” I ask.

  “Yeah, I do. Swiped it from a client today. He won’t have an idea I took it ’til he wakes up. He took a pretty big hit of the needle before I left. Doubt he’ll wake soon.” She giggles.

  We walk together, but she’s leading me back to our apartment. I can’t remember where it is, or anything about it. She’s talking, and I’m not really listening. Instead, Kristen’s words keep playing on repeat in my head. “Hey,” I say as we head into a building resembling something out of a dystopian movie. It’s crumbling and falling apart, but I suppose if this is where Sky lives, I really shouldn’t judge.

  Hell, I was living here with her.

  We walk up two flights of stairs, and I can’t help but notice the condition of the interior. It’s dirty and dingy. And any minute, I feel like there’s going to be gunfire from the hall.

  She goes to a door, and unlocks it. I walk in behind her, and I remember everything about this apartment. It’s small, and incredibly dark. There’s not much furniture, just an old sofa, a small kitchen, and a bathroom with a spread of needles, a spoon, and a lighter on the counter. I was hazy, and couldn’t remember a lot about my drug-fueled days. But I remembered this place.

  I see the pipe.

  My old pipe. My stomach churns, and suddenly I feel excitement. “Have you got any?” Sky asks as she throws her handbag on the small kitchen table.

  “Nah, I’m quitting.”

  “Yeah? Good for you. I always knew this wasn’t a life for you.” She picks up a rubber tourniquet and ties it around her upper arm. “Want some?” she offers as she catches me watching her.

  “Nope.” I swallow back the desire. Everything in here is slowly breaking down the barriers I’ve worked so hard to build. The beautiful, toxic smell, the bubbling of the heroin on the spoon.

  “Sure?” She draws the dirty-colored liquid back in a syringe that’s been used many times before.

  “Yeah.”

  “Okay. Give me a minute.” She smacks at her arm and tries to find a vein. “Bastards have collapsed,” she says. “Here.” She finds a vein, sticks the needle in and starts pushing the contents of the syringe through her veins.

  Her face softens, then goes slack as she closes her eyes. She’s chasing a high. And by looks of things, she’s well on her way to finding it. She’s quiet for some time, and I’m left in this room, reminiscing about my own highs and lows.

  The pipe taunts me. But I’m using every ounce of strength not to look at it. I can’t help it though. It’s calling me. Beckoning me to pay it attention.

  This innocent little piece of glass has single-handedly captured all of my attention.

  “So…” she says as my focus stays on the pipe.

  “Um, the phone? Can I borrow it?”

  “Sure thing.” Sky’s high as anything. She’s barely able to stand. “Who are you calling?”

  “I have to know if it’s true.”

  “If what is true?” She’s struggling to focus as she rifles around her bag.

  “I made some porn videos.”

  “Shit, yeah? Did you get paid a lot for them? I’ve made some before. They pay well. How much did you get?”

  “I don’t remember making them.”

  She grabs the phone and tosses it over to me. Giggling, she collapses back against the sofa, and nods her head. I’m not sure what she’s giggling at. Her eyes are drooping, and she’s breathing very slowly.

  “What’s the password, Sky?” I ask as I slide my finger across the screen.

  “Um. He put in… ” She closes her eyes again, half way through the sentence.

  “Sky!” I nearly yell.

  She startles but opens her eyes. “Yeah?” she asks already forgetting what I’ve asked.

  “What’s the password?”

  “Oh yeah. Real original. One, two, three, four.”

  I type in the numbers, and I shake my head. Are people really that dumb? Apparently so.

  The phone unlocks, and I get the numerical keypad up on the screen. I dial Edgar’s number. The phone rings only twice before he picks it up. “What?” he barks into the phone.

  His voice is like hot molten chocolate. It’s smooth and delicious. His voice alone sends goosebumps over my skin. For a second, I’m speechless. “Edgar,” I say with a shaky voice.

  “Who’s this?”

  “It’s me, Hannah.”

  The silence is deafening. I’m not sure what he’s going to say, or even if he’s going to say anything at all. “Hannah.”

  The sensual whisper draws me back in. I nearly can’t speak. I’m barely able to manage any words. My heart is beating loudly, my skin is burning for him, and my body reacts just by the sound of his voice.

  “I need to know if I made any pornographic movies?”

  Silence, again.

  The quiet is making me think he’s not there, but I can hear the whirl of the tires on the road. I know he’s there.

  “Are you clean?” he asks.

  I’m nodding my head, but of course, he can’t see me. I’m not sure I’m strong enough
to say the words. I respond by crying. He’s affecting every part of me. I’m craving him, but I need to stay strong. “I am,” I say with an even smaller voice. But I can’t hide how I’m feeling. My voice betrays me, even though I don’t want it to.

  “Where are you?”

  “No. I can’t do this with you. I just need to know if you made pornographic movies of me and uploaded them. Or worse still, sold them.” Don’t see him, you’re not strong enough for that yet. “Please,” I finally beg. “Just tell me.”

  “Only if you have a coffee with me.”

  I close my eyes and hold the phone to my forehead. He’s breaking my walls down. He has ultimate control over me. He says jump, and I ask how high? “No.” My resolution is crumbling. Please, don’t ask again. I can’t. I just can’t.

  “Meet me outside.”

  I swallow hard. “I don’t know where I am.”

  “Are you with Sky?”

  He knows Sky? How? My mouth opens and I answer before I have a chance to stop my response. “Yes.”

  “I’ll be there in a minute. Wait for me outside.”

  “No,” I weakly say, fighting the monumental pull he has over me.

  “I’m driving up now, be downstairs.”

  I nod my head. I don’t bother speaking, he knows and I know I’ll be there waiting for him.

  “Hey, Sky. Thank you for the phone, but I have to go.”

  “Oh, okay,” her voice is soft and sedate. I’ve seen her go ballistic when she’s had a hit, and I’ve seen her be calm and sweet. Mostly, she’s always been sweet, well at least to me.

  “I’m going to do my best to come back for you.”

  Sky lifts her hand and waves to me. “Bye.”

  Leaving the phone on the kitchen table, I go to the door and leave. Walking down the ill-lit stairs, I’m careful not to step on anything, like a discarded syringe. When I get outside, I walk to the end of the street and notice how the sky’s turning darker. The sun is sinking, and soon night will be upon us. I need to get back home. I can’t stay out here. I have to get back to my parents. They’ll be worried about me. I just got up and ran out after what Kristen told me. Now, I’m about to get the answer I need. After which, I’ll have to overcome yet another hurdle, and move on with my life.