Edge of Darkness Box Set

by Margaret McHeyzer

  It’s time to end this.

  Yes, Ivy, let’s finish this together.

  Opening my eyes, I see Azael. He’s petting my hair, ready to take me. And I’m ready to go to him.

  Chapter 16

  “Ivy,” Dad calls to me, rousing me from sleep.

  “Hmm,” I mumble as I turn my head and open my eyes.

  “Sweetheart, Tobias is here.”

  I blink a few times trying to focus on the bodies in the room. Tobias is standing beside my bed, and Dad’s on the opposite side. Both are gazing down at me. I can see the hurt and pity in Tobias’s eyes. Focusing on Dad, I realize my demon didn’t take me in my sleep. I thought he wanted me. Does he now regret ever finding me? Does he now not want me?

  Swallowing the lump in my throat, I gather all my strength to put on a fake smile.

  “I’m going to get a coffee. Are you okay?” Dad asks.

  I nod my head. Dad walks out of the room, and now I’m left with Tobias standing beside my bed, staring at the bandages.

  Silence enshrouds us. The quiet is deafening. My pulse vibrates in my ears, causing me to stir uncomfortably.

  “Why?” he asks in a soft voice. “Why would you do something like this?” He gestures to my wrists.

  “You wouldn’t…”

  “Bullshit,” he shouts at me.

  Flinching, I refuse to make eye contact with him.

  “Don’t you dare say I wouldn’t understand, Ivy. You have no idea the fucked-up shit I’ve been through, but I have never thought of killing myself.”

  Drawing my brows together, I try to raise my head to look at him, but I can’t. I’m too ashamed. “You…”

  “Don’t you dare,” he hisses through a clenched jaw. “You owe me an explanation.”

  “I…” I start saying something, but stop myself. I can’t tell him.

  “If you’re going to feed some made-up bullshit excuse, I don’t want to hear it.”

  I pick at an invisible thread on the blanket. “I don’t know what to tell you,” I finally manage.

  “Don’t lie to me. Just tell me the truth,” his tone softens. Tobias turns away from the bed and begins to pace. Running his hand through his hair, he huffs in frustration. “I can’t deal with lies. If you’re going to lie, I have to walk away. Not because I don’t love you. But I have my own problems, and I can’t risk my own mental health. I have to protect myself and my family.”

  Swinging my head up, I try to understand what he’s trying to say. “What do you mean?”

  “Lies are something I can’t handle.”

  Taking a few deep breaths, I wait a moment for him to calm down and stop pacing. But it takes more than a moment, more like two or three before he comes to sit in the chair Dad was sitting in. He leans forward and hangs his head. He’s probably disappointed in me too.

  “You’ve told me you love me… twice.”

  He looks up at me. “Yes, I have. Because I do.”

  My heart skips a beat and the darkness inside is momentarily pierced by light. “Why?” I ask with tears forming in my eyes. “I don’t want you to tell me you love me because I’m beautiful, or kind, or any of that crap, I want to know why you think I’m worthy of being loved.”

  Tilting his head to the side, he scrubs both hands over his face. “You think you’re not worthy?”

  “Noooo…” I stutter, voice shaky.

  “This is bullshit, Ivy. I told you to not lie to me.” He points a finger at me as he stands again. “That ‘no’ was forced, which means you think you honestly don’t think you deserved to be loved. What is going on with you? Why would you think that?” He walks to the door and leans against it.

  “I didn’t say that.” Tears fall from my eyes.

  “Bullshit,” he calls me on my lie. He’s right, I am lying. “Tell me. Why did you do that?” He points to my wrists again. “What makes you think you need to end your life?”

  If I want Tobias to stay in my life, I’m going to have to tell him something. But I simply can’t tell him about my demon. He won’t understand. “Mrs. Richards…” A lump quickly rises to the back of my throat. “Her eyes,” I admit for the first time to him and to myself. “When I looked into her eyes, they glassed over.” I glance away from Tobias, and a movie replays in my head. A movie of the moment Mrs. Richards died. It’s like I saw her soul disappear. She died beneath my touch. “I saw her whole life flash before her. I saw a woman who’s a teacher, a well-respected person in our community, a wife and a mother, die in front of me.”

  “You didn’t kill her.”

  “She was loved by so many people, and she died.”

  “That’s not on you, Ivy. Tyler made the decision to kill her. He’s to blame here.”

  “But she died.”

  “Because Tyler took her life, not you.”

  “Her eyes, Tobias. Something happened when I saw her eyes glass over.”

  “What happened?” he asks moving closer to me.

  “I don’t know, I can’t tell you. Something I can’t explain.”

  “Ivy, why did you try to kill yourself?” he flatly asks.

  The question should surprise me, but it doesn’t. I’ve been preparing for this since the first time I took a blade to my skin. Why? Why do this?

  “Because it felt so good to just let everything go.”

  “What do you mean?”

  I decide to be as honest as I can, without telling him how often I cut. “For a moment, for a split second when the blade pierced my skin I felt…” I gaze away and try to think of the right words. “I felt at peace. Like the world was finally sane, and for that tiny moment, I felt like I had found my place. Like I had not one worry. I was safe, and no one could take it away.”

  Tobias’s right eye twitches as he frowns at me. “Everything was quiet,” he whispers.

  My heart leaps out of my chest. He understands. “Yes.”

  “Everything was perfect,” he adds.

  “Everything was.” I look down to my bandages and lift them to show Tobias. “But this makes it not perfect.”

  Tobias slowly strolls over to me. “You have to tell me the truth, Ivy.”

  “I am.”

  “You’re a cutter, aren’t you? This wasn’t the first time you took a blade to your sk in, was it?”

  My skin pebbles with goose bumps, a blanket of ice thrown over me. He told me he’d leave if I lie. And I don’t want to lie. “Are you?” I deflect his question.

  “No, I’m not.” We fall silent for what seems like an eternity. “But you are,” he says. It’s not a question, it’s not an accusation, it’s confirmation that he knows. He sits on the bed and gently lays his hand on my leg. Can he feel the ridges of my scars?

  It takes me a long time to lift my chin and look into his eyes. And when I do, I can see the clear disappointment etched on his handsome face. I don’t need to say anything at all. He knows.

  Lowering my head, I look down at my bandages.

  “I need to hear you tell me the truth,” he’s almost whispering.

  “I can’t,” I return in a low voice.

  “Please, Ivy. I can’t be with someone who won’t tell me the truth,” he pushes again.

  With a small nod, I confirm what he’s asking. I can’t bring myself to say it out loud, though. “Please, don’t tell anyone,” I beg in a whisper. “This is something I’ve never told anyone, ever.”

  “Ivy.” He squeezes my leg, forcing me to look up at him. “You have to get help.”

  “No, I don’t need help. I’m not crazy,” I instantly defend myself.

  “I didn’t say you were. But if you’re cutting, you need help to figure out why and find a way to stop.”

  “Please, Tobias, please don’t say anything,” I plead. “People won’t understand, no one will understand.”

  “You’re wrong. People will understand. And you can get help.”

  “I’m not crazy,” I argue in a sharp voice.

  “Why do you keep saying t
hat? Of course, you’re not crazy. But obviously, something is going on that you don’t know how to cope with.”

  “That’s dumb. What wouldn’t I know how to cope with?” I smartly retort.

  “To start with, Mrs. Richards’s death.”

  He’s right, that’s something I still can’t quite wrap my mind around. “You know…” I start saying as I look away from him. “It’s like I wasn’t even there, even though I know I was.”

  “A blur. I know. I’m not sure what to think either. The police have been asking questions of everyone in the class, as well as Tyler’s friends.”

  “Jared,” I say. “Is he okay? Have you talked to him?”

  “I tried calling him last night, but he’s not answering his phone. His mom did though. She said he’s not coping well.”

  “I have to call him.” Scrambling I look for my phone, but it’s not here. Why would it be? I left everything in the classroom, and I don’t know if Dad’s retrieved it or if the police have released it yet.

  “Here.” Tobias offers me his phone. “I had mine on me when…” He takes a deep breath before continuing. “…when Tyler entered the room.”

  “Mine’s in my bag, which I assume is still in the classroom.” Taking his phone, I dial Jared’s number. It rings out. I try again, it rings out again. “Can I send him a text?” I ask. Tobias nods. I start typing a message, but I’m not sure what to say. I can only imagine what Jared’s going through. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Ask him how he’s doing. You don’t have to tell him you’re here.”

  “How did you find out?”

  “I went to your house to see you, and see how you were doing, because your dad took you away from school while the police were still asking me questions. I wasn’t sure where you were or how you were doing. I was concerned. When I got to your house, your dad was in a panic and scrambling to get you clothes I asked to see you, and he told me you were here.”

  “Did he tell you why?” My face reddens, because I’m so embarrassed.

  “He told me you were hurt. It took a lot of convincing for him to tell me how you were hurt.”

  Shamefully I look down. My entire body is fighting with me. I’m filled with humiliation. I want to say something, but I choose not to. There’s not much I can say about what I did. I can’t share with anyone why I did it.

  “Why didn’t you call me? I would’ve come straight over.”

  The stupid tears start again. I lift my shoulders and shrug. I don’t know why. There’s no logical reason to any of it, except my demon’s control over me.

  Tobias can see me struggling to answer his question, thankfully he stops pushing for an answer. “You have to know; the press is hounding all of us who were in class yesterday.”

  “Maybe Jared’s not answering his phone because he doesn’t want to deal with the questions.”

  “They’ve been outside my house. And there were a couple outside your house when I got there.”

  “Did anyone follow you here?” I ask suddenly incredibly conscious of what might be waiting outside the hospital walls.

  “No, no one followed me. I was careful.”

  “Tobias,” I say in a small voice. “How are you so strong? I saw a boy I’d known for years, someone who was quiet and just studied. He walked into our classroom, and killed our teacher. I can’t get over the look in his eyes. He wasn’t angry, he was more than that. He was different. Like he was possessed but in a calm way.”

  “That makes no sense. How can someone be possessed but in a calm way?”

  “He had a calmness to him, but he was stone cold. I don’t think anyone could’ve said or done anything to change his mind about pulling the trigger.”

  “I had my head down. I wasn’t looking at him,” Tobias says.

  “I saw it all. Every step he made, every movement, every breath. I’m not sure I can ever forget his emotionless eyes.”

  “When something like this happens, you’re never supposed to forget it. You’re supposed to learn to live with it and from time to time, you’re supposed to honor it.”

  “How can I honor someone who walked in, and shot a person in cold blood, in front of us all? Did he care how this would screw me up? How it might screw us all up? Why should I honor him?”

  “I’m not talking about Tyler, Ivy. I’m talking about you, me, and everyone in that classroom who survived, and Mrs. Richards. We all went through the same thing. For those few moments, no one knew if Tyler was going to turn the gun on all of us. We’re all bound together by something tragic.”

  “You know…” I start saying while staring at the blanket. “You hear so much about gun related crimes. People opening fire on innocent people and killing them for no reason. How many times do you turn on the news and hear about a massacre? But never in a million years did I think I was going to be part of such a massacre. Tyler was someone I had known for years, just like Mrs. Richards, who has… had been part of our school for longer than I have been. How do I rationalize that a kid I’ve known for years went out and on purpose bought a weapon? How do I justify him thinking it’s okay to take someone’s life, that it was her fault he got caught doing something awful?”

  “It’s not up to you to make an excuse for his behavior.”

  “How do I go on with my life if I can’t understand this?’

  “You need help, Ivy. We all need counselling.”

  “Here we go again,” I shout at him. “You’re calling me crazy.”

  “Here you go again. No one is calling you crazy but you! And because you’re so passionate about it, I think you think you’re crazy,” Tobias replies angrily.

  Wait. Do I? “Wh…” I’m not sure what to say. I pull my shoulders back and stare at Tobias straight in the eyes. “So, what’s your story then?” I challenge him. He’s pushing me, and I’m sure as hell not going to sit here and spill my life out to him when he won’t share the same with me. Especially considering he’s told me he loves me.

  “I don’t have a story,” he quickly deflects.

  “Now I’m the one who’s going to call bullshit.”

  His brows draw in together while his jaw tenses. I can see he’s lying. And he knows he’s lying. “I’m not lying about anything.” He looks away from me, and I know he’s not telling me the truth.

  “Just like you, Tobias, I’m not going to put up with someone who lies to me. You say you love me, but you’re not willing to open up to me.”

  “I can’t,” he says in a rough tone. It breaks on the last syllable.

  “Hmm,” I huff while shaking my head.

  “What?” he snaps.

  “Funny how I’m supposed to bare my soul to you, tell you about this,” I lift my wrists to him, “but you won’t say anything to me. It seems peculiar to me that everything you’re saying is something a counselor would say to someone. Either you’ve been through something like this in the past, or you’ve been through something similar. So, which is it, Tobias? You can’t have it all your way. I’ve given you something, now you need to give me something.”

  “What do you want to know?” he answers with a tight voice. He’s on the defensive, and I doubt I’m going to get anything out of him.

  “I want to know how you know all these things? How you’re not freaking the fuck out? How you’re not rattled by what happened?”

  “I don’t know,” his words shake.

  “That’s not an answer, and you know it.”

  Tobias abruptly stands and paces back and forth. The door opens, and Dad enters holding a brown cup and a paper bag. He quickly realizes the air is thick with stress. “Is everything okay in here?” he asks as he approaches the bed and stands in front of me, blocking Tobias’s view of me. What Dad’s doing is putting up a barrier, one where he thinks he’s either defusing the situation, or he’s protecting me.

  “We’re fine, Dad,” I say in a gentle voice. “We’ve been talking.”

  “Is that right, Tobias?” Dad asks menacingly.r />
  “Dad, everything’s fine.”

  Dad doesn’t turn to look at Tobias, but I can see how his shoulders are higher, and his chest is puffed out in protective mode.

  “I think it’s best I leave,” Tobias says.

  “I think so too.” Dad moves forward so Tobias can’t maneuver around him to come to me.

  I see Tobias try, but Dad moves to block his access. “I’ll… come back later.”

  “I suggest you don’t, son.”

  Tobias flashes a look to me, and I can see how hurt he is. I want to speak out and tell Dad to back off, but at the same time, maybe time apart will do us both a world of good.

  “’Bye,” Tobias says as he opens the door and looks back at me.

  I smile at him.

  He gives Dad a nod and smiles at me.

  When the door closes, Dad makes his way over to me. “What happened?” he asks.

  “We had a fight.” I don’t want to tell him why, because one question will lead to another, and I’m not ready for any of them.

  “About?”

  I shrug my shoulders. “Everything and nothing.”

  Dad smiles. “Young love… to have that again.” But I don’t smile, and Dad picks up on the heaviness inside me. “Hey, are you two breaking up?” he asks in a serious voice.

  “I don’t know. You caught us in the middle of an argument.”

  “What was it about? Maybe an old man like me can help.”

  Shaking my head, I smile at Dad. “It’s okay, Dad; we’ll figure it out.”

  Dad sighs and places his drink and the paper bag on the small table at the foot of the bed. He comes to sit beside me and clasps my hand in his. “Please tell me he’s not pressuring you to have sex, because now is not the time or the place…”

  “NO!” I shout cutting off what Dad was going to say. Embarrassment floods me. This is not a conversation I ever want to have with my father. Ever. “No, Dad. We weren’t arguing over sex. He hasn’t once tried to pressure me into anything. And before you ask, no, we haven’t had sex either.”

  Dad lets out another huge sigh, relief rolling off him. “It’s not that I’m stupid and think you’ll never have it, but…”