Hush, Hush

by Franco, Lucia

  A check.

  Glaring down at me with resentment so thick it chokes me, he says, "That's the balance I owe you. It's safe to say this little arrangement we had is now over. We're finished."

  My lips part, my eyes wide. I step out of the way and James leaves, walking out of my life. All I can do is fall against the door in a slump and cry my eyes out.

  Fifty-Four

  I skipped class all week citing the stomach flu. The days were long, the nights longer. It was the first time in all four years of school that I didn't show up to class and couldn’t have picked a worse time. Finals are coming up and graduation is around the corner. I need to be there. Instead, I laid in bed, lethargic, and crying on and off.

  When the tears weren't flowing, I was in an unblinking daze staring out my bedroom window, which is what I'm doing now. Daniel tried to come over to check on me multiple times, but I wouldn't let him. I just wanted to be alone.

  My feelings for James run much deeper than I thought. Even though I'm still reeling with anger over the things he said to me, it doesn't change the fact that I'm madly head over heels for him. I keep thinking about the way he left me, the hurt and real love in his eyes as he walked out. He took my heart with him. I felt the same way, only I didn't tell him.

  I exhale a fatigued sigh. I can't imagine if we'd gone the whole year what state I'd be in at the end. Something tells me we wouldn't have been able to break it off. More time together would've made things complicated, but I guess they already were.

  I clench my eyes shut, hearing his words replay in my head for the hundredth time this week, how he wanted to leave his wife for me. I know I should look at the dissolution of our clandestine agreement as a blessing in disguise, but it's also undeniably heartbreaking. We were hopeless from the start.

  Sitting up, I reach for my vibrating phone on my desk. I look down at the screen and see Madam Christine texting me again.

  Shit.

  I've refused all jobs this week, telling her I've been sick. I send her a quick message saying I'm on the mend and that I need to talk to her. I've been thinking a lot about escorting and decided I never want to go through feeling like this again.

  I can’t work at Sanctuary Cove anymore.

  Between the guilt of lying to both Natalie and Daniel, it's for the best. I know it is. I made a shit ton of money before the deal with James, which meant I didn't really need to keep doing it anyway.

  I get up to use the bathroom, then I make my way to the kitchen to get a glass of water just as a furious Natalie storms in. The door flies open and hits the wall. She reaches for it and slams it shut.

  "Aubrey!" she screams. Fuck, my ears.

  "I'm right here," I say quietly behind her.

  She jumps, holding her chest, and I’d have laughed if I wasn’t feeling so miserable.

  She looks at me and her face scrunches up as she takes in my appearance. "You look like death."

  "Love you too. What's up?"

  Natalie stomps to the cabinet. She takes out a tall shot glass and pours tequila. A few drops spill onto the counter.

  "My dad is a fucking psycho," she says, then throws the shot back. "I hate him."

  Grimacing, I swallow hard. She offers me a shot as she's pouring another one, but I decline.

  "What happened?" I ask, nervous.

  "Remember how I thought it was strange that he stopped by? Now I know why he came by last week."

  I frown, holding the glass of water to my chest. I had to tell her James stopped by in case Daniel let it slip.

  "He wanted to tell me himself that he filed for divorce."

  My brows shoot up and my jaw drops. Divorce? I didn't think he'd still go through with it.

  "Exactly," she says at my expression. "And with some bullshit excuse too, which makes no sense because my mom said they were working on their marriage, and everything was going really well. She's devastated because she's been so happy. I know every marriage has issues—theirs certainly did—but he blindsided her with the papers. She says it's unexpected, and I kind of agree."

  My eyes widen in utter shock. He already had her served? So maybe he had been coming to see me but really also Natalie too. I'm not sure what to think, and I try not to allow myself to feel anything, but my heart is fluttering crazy fast. Talk about mixed emotions. I didn’t know they were still working on their marriage. James never mentioned that, and while I feel even worse now, there's a part of me that's thrilled with the idea he'll be free. I knew James was serious about us, but I don't understand how he thought it would've ever worked. Paranoia seeps through me. Maybe if I'd answered one of his many calls this week I would know, but I hadn't, and now I'm even more perplexed.

  I swallow back my tangled feelings and paste on sympathy. "I'm really sorry, Nat."

  She shakes her head and takes another shot. She's staring at something behind me like she's lost in her thoughts.

  "I don't understand… He was so calm when he told me, but my mom was crying nonstop. He's already moved out to some place on the east side, said things haven't been working out for a long time now and felt like it was finally decided they needed to move on separately." She looks my way, downright baffled. I hold my breath. "I don't understand. How can they both have such different views of their marriage? It doesn't make sense." Her nails tap the counter frantically. "Something is missing, I just don't know what yet."

  "What was his reason?" I feel like if I don't ask something that it looks bad, but being the lying best friend that I am, I feel wrong for asking too.

  She rolls her eyes. "He says their marriage hasn't been good for years and it's to the point that they hardly speak. He says they've had some type of agreement but it's between them. Whatever it was wasn't working out for him, he said. I asked my mom about it, but she won't tell me either. She's distraught, which makes me so angry at him to see her that upset. My mom is as gentle as a ladybug without an evil bone in her body." She shakes her head. "I can't get over the fact that he filed for divorce and moved out so quickly."

  I can't either.

  I'm hesitant. "Does it bother you that they're divorcing?"

  "Yes and no. Of course it bothers me a little bit, but that's because I just feel terrible for my mom. She has a slight drinking problem, so I hope this doesn't set her over the edge. When I went to see her, she was drunk as fuck, but I didn't say anything because her husband of twenty-plus years left her, so I felt like she deserves a pass, you know?"

  I nod. I can't not agree. I'd be the same way regardless if the marriage had already been lost for years.

  "I guess the actual divorce doesn't bother me? I don't know. I'm not a child, I can see things differently. I wouldn’t want to be locked in a marriage I don't want to be in. Shit. I don't ever want to get married, to be honest. It just sucks all around."

  I frown, agreeing with her, and give her a hug. I wonder if James would've still filed for divorce if I hadn’t come into his life. Their marriage wasn't ideal from what he'd told me, they didn't see eye to eye or have the same interests in much, but I still don't like the thought of being responsible for them separating.

  But I am the reason. I know I am, and it kills me. Now that James and I are through, I hope our secret stays buried forever.

  Natalie eyes me and I hold my breath. I decide to change the subject. "Daniel asked me to move in with him."

  Her jaw drops. "Are you going to?"

  I hesitate, shrugging. "I don't know. I feel like I should, but it’s for purely selfish reasons. I want to…"

  "But you don't love him, do you?" she finishes.

  I shake my head. My phone rings, and dread fills my stomach. I hope it isn't James at a time like this. "Let me grab that real quick."

  I run into my bedroom before the ringing stops and pick up my phone, frowning at the unknown number.

  "Hello?"

  "Ms. Abrams?"

  "Yes?"

  Sitting on the edge of my bed with the phone clutched in my hand, my stomach
cramping with the worst fear of my life. I stare blankly ahead, in shock listening to the doctor at Jamaica Hospital tell me I need to come in. My heart is pounding in my chest, beating so hard it hurts. One of Grammy's cats rubs up against the back of my arm. I reach for it, bringing it close to my heart.

  "Aub?" Natalie says, walking into my room.

  My eyes shift to hers and she looks at me with concern. Quietly, I say, "The hospital called. They want me to come in to go over her test results."

  Her frown deepens. "They can call you and ask you to do that?"

  I nod. "Grammy has me listed on her medical papers in case anything happens. She's fine right now, but the doctor wants to go over her results with me." I swallow back the tears rising to the surface. Something isn't right, I can feel it in my bones.

  The cat purrs against my neck, rubbing its head on me as if it knows I need support. It's the nicest cat, except when it wants to sleep on my chest in the middle of the night. I glance down at it, deciding I'm going to sneak the fury little beast into the hospital. I know for sure Grammy will be upset too, so maybe seeing her cat will help her.

  It took about two hours to buy an animal duffle bag to conceal the pet and get to the hospital, but I'm finally sitting next to my grammy at her bedside. She knows why I'm here. I'm trying to be optimistic before we speak to anyone, but it's difficult when I take in the yellow coloring of her eyes and how pale she looks.

  "Grammy, I have a surprise for you," I say, reaching down by my feet. I unzip the bag. Lowering my voice to a whisper, which is stupid because no one else is in her private room with us, I say, "I smuggled your cat in."

  She starts laughing and her face lights up. Right there, that moment, that look, is worth the risk of getting caught. To see her smile and her eyes dance with happiness that I can feel, it's everything to me.

  "Does the hospital know?" she asks quietly.

  "Heck no."

  She giggles. I lift the cat and stand to hand it to her. The white fur ball with blue eyes curls up against her and nestles into her arm. I smile seeing the love the two have for each other as I sit down.

  "Oh, Aubrey. This is the best surprise you could've given me," she says, her voice shaky but I try not to think about it too much. "I wish she could stay with me. It's lonely at night."

  My heart aches for her. "I told you I would stay the night."

  "No." She shoots me down. "You have school and work. I'll be fine here. I'm not really alone anyway with the nurses pricking me every few hours for blood." She pets the cat lovingly. "Isn't graduation coming up?"

  I nod. I know she's changing the subject and I let it slide.

  "It's a little over a month away. You better be out of this hospital and there with me. I'm looking forward to taking a few shots with you afterward."

  She chuckles. Her smile is so wide that it makes me feels good. "Honey, I wouldn't miss seeing you graduate for anything. I'm so proud of all the hard work you've done to get where you are."

  After a couple of hours spent talking with Grammy, she drifts into a peaceful sleep. Carefully, I place her cat back in my carrier and drape a jacket over it, then seek out the doctor. He pulls me into his office and has me take a seat across from him. I place the pet carrier down and pray the cat doesn't make a sound.

  The doctor leans over his desk and threads his fingers together. I watch his movement with an impending sense of dread.

  "Are you aware of how ill your grandmother is?"

  I frown. "I know she has bronchitis."

  He studies me for a moment. "She told me she doesn't visit her physician often. Is that true?"

  "She only goes if she feels really sick, otherwise she just fights any infection off herself." I pause. "She's stubborn like that."

  "Did she ever seem sick? Tired? Out of breath? Weight loss? Complain about pain?"

  I shake my head. "I live in the city so I'm not around as much as I used to be. She does have a cough I noticed, but nothing else." I shrug. "She wouldn't have told me if she wasn't feeling well, though."

  He blows out a long, heavy breath and it makes me tense, like I'm bracing for an impact. There's a tightness in the way he speaks, cautious and careful. He tells me in detail about the scans and lab work, the reasons he requested them in the first place, and then reads the results. It's a lot to process and I almost wish I had James here with me to go over it.

  Leaning forward, the doctor hands me copies of the reports to reread when I get home.

  "What does this all mean?" I ask, looking down at the papers as I flip through them. I look up when he doesn't respond immediately, and his face softens with regret.

  "I'm sorry to be the one tell you this, Aubrey, but your grandmother has lung cancer."

  Fifty-Five

  Every day since the doctor diagnosed Grammy with stage four lung cancer, I've been by her side each chance I've had.

  She opted out of chemotherapy and decided to let nature run its course. I cried and begged her to consider changing her mind. She said she's too old to go through such drastic treatment and wants to spend whatever time she has left with me and her cats instead of in crippling pain just to live an extra year, if she's lucky.

  Her decision broke my heart.

  I decided I wouldn’t read anything online, even though I almost caved a few times. It'll just mess with my head. What I know is that the cancer is extensive, and it's already spread throughout her body. Knowing that pretty much answers every question I had. I can't blame her for not wanting to go through treatment. If I was pushing eighty, I wouldn’t want to do it either. Doesn’t mean I have to like it.

  The truth is, I fucking hate it. I want to push her and force her to do the chemo, but I can't. I won't. It's her decision, but it's breaking my damn heart.

  I haven't stopped crying. It's only been seven days, but those seven days have been the worst of my life. I've kept it all bottled in and cried when no one was looking. I didn't tell Natalie. I was already dealing with the guilt of her parents’ divorce and I couldn't bring myself to lean on her for support. How shitty of me that would've been. The pressure inside my chest is growing by the day, my anxiety higher than ever at night. I hardly sleep. If I'm not at the hospital visiting Grammy, then I'm at school or in the library doing homework.

  I also decided against leaving Sanctuary Cove, thinking the forced distraction would ease the pain, if only for a short time. Every day I take a job from Christine. Once visiting hours are over, I become Valentina.

  "Are you okay?" Natalie asks as I step out of my room.

  She's sitting on a high top chair at the kitchen counter doing homework. I eye her coffee mug and can't even bring myself to laugh. I like big balls and I cannot lie. I give her a fleeting look and slip my crossover purse over my head.

  "Yeah, I'm fine."

  "You don't look fine." She taps her pencil on the counter. "How was last night?"

  I realize I need to cover up my emo mood before she digs and I unleash everything I'm holding in. That's the last thing I need to happen.

  Reaching inside the refrigerator, I pull out a bottle of sangria and pop the top. I offer Natalie one and she takes it. Gotta love six packs of pre-made, sugarfied sangria.

  I turn around and lean against the fridge. "I've had the strangest clients all week. I don't even know what to think. It must be a full moon or something. This one guy wanted me to slap his balls until they were red. I didn't want to at first because I didn't want to hurt him. You know how guys are so sensitive there? You look at the dick the wrong way and they're practically singing soprano. This guy, though, he took it like a champ and came four times. I've never seen anything like it."

  She takes a sip and nods. "Been there, slapped that." We chuckle. "That's actually fairly common. I had one guy who filled his dick with saline before I banged his balls around."

  I grimace in sympathetic pain, wondering why any man would want to do that. "This other guy wanted me to tell him how I lost my virginity while he was dri
pping sweat all over me. He sounded like a horse as he was fucking me."

  "Did you?"

  I smirk. "I got the feeling he was a bit of a creepo, so I made up a story and told him my teacher in ninth grade taught me how to have sex. He was super into it."

  She shakes her head in disbelief. "Men are so weird. They like the strangest shit. I have a client this week I have to call every two hours to make sure he's still wearing the pink diamond butt plug I put in him. He only takes it out to sleep and shit."

  My face scrunches up in disgust as we trade war stories. "I have no words."

  "I told him to buy a vibrator and sit on it with the plug still inside him. He said he can't because he came in his pants too many times the first day and isn't bringing a change of clothes to work."

  I almost choke on my sangria.

  "I'm telling you, we could write a book about our adventures as sex workers."

  "We can call it, The Chronicles of Valentina and Natalia," I joke, and finish my drink. I place the bottle on the counter and reach for my vibrating phone.

  Blocked Caller.

  A deep sadness runs through me. He calls me every day, and every day I decline it. Crazy enough, the one person I wanted to lean on when I discovered the news about Grammy was James. I wanted to run to him and cry on his shoulder and feel his arms wrapped around me and have him tell me that everything was going to be okay.

  "You all right?"

  Swallowing, I nod hastily and stuff my phone away. "I'll be back later. I'm going to help Grammy home from the hospital and get her settled in. I'll come back and get the cats afterward. I figure discharge will take a while and I don't want to leave them in the car, even if it's cool out. She'll have my head for that."

  Since Grammy waved her rights for treatment, the doctor suggested a nurse come in a few times a week to check vitals and make sure she's taking the prescription medication. I want to be there to meet the woman.

  "I'm gonna miss this little shit," Natalie says as she picks up a cat and pets it.

  "Yeah, you're gonna miss a cat the way you miss a yeast infection," I say, then blow her two kisses and leave.