The Complete Ruby Redfort Collection

by Lauren Child

Mouse and Ruby trailed out of English class and into the school yard.

  ‘Did I see you pushing a baby round town yesterday afternoon?’ asked Mouse.

  ‘Possibly,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Possibly yes or possibly no? I mean, I have to say if you said you had an identical twin right now who had taken up babysitting it would sound more plausible.’

  ‘I know what you mean,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Where did it come from?’ asked Mouse.

  ‘Mars I think,’ said Ruby, ‘judging by the weird stuff that comes out of him. Sometimes I swear it could be ectoplasm.’

  Mouse wrinkled her nose. ‘What does he eat?’

  ‘Gloop,’ said Ruby, ‘though most of the time he just spits it back up. Boy is that kid fussy.’

  ‘So why are you wheeling him around?’ asked Mouse.

  ‘I sorta struck a deal with my folks, although they don’t know I struck a deal exactly, they think it was all their idea.’

  ‘Pardon me?’ said Mouse.

  ‘I mean, they grounded me, which is a drag because it means being in all the time, but then Mrs Lemon wanted someone to mind Archie and my folks, knowing how allergic I am to babies, volunteered me. They thought it would be a good punishment, which by the way it is, but on the upside it means I get to go out, and out with a baby is better than in without a baby, right?’

  ‘Kinda, I guess,’ said Mouse. ‘And this is all because …’

  ‘On account of the whole thing with the sheriff and the garbage and another thing to do with Mr Parker and his yard and a bunch of similar smaller things that have made my folks not like me so much – they’re not too happy about the writing on my arm either,’ said Ruby, pushing up her sleeve to reveal the marker-pen words.

  ‘Yeah, but that’s all ’cause of Del.’

  ‘Well, I can’t tell ’em that, they’ll just get mad at her, and in any case I don’t think they would see it as her fault. I mean, they would just say, “Well you were born with a brain Ruby, maybe you should use it”.’

  ‘Well, I guess they have a point,’ said Mouse.

  ‘Thanks for your support.’

  ‘Yeah, well I just don’t see the point in getting punched on the nose just to prevent Del from getting punched on the nose,’ said Mouse. ‘I mean, she wants to get punched on the nose, so let her.’

  There was a certain logic to this argument, Ruby could see it.

  They spotted the others and went to join them. Red had that look on her face, the one she got when she had been told something truly awe-inspiring.

  ‘You know Clancy is going to meet the president,’ said Red. ‘That’s true, right Clance?’

  ‘Well, yes, no and maybe,’ said Clancy. ‘My family and I are off to Washington for a reception at the White House, but I don’t know if the president will be attending. I mean, who knows if he will make it, stuff happens when you’re the president.’

  ‘But he could be there?’ said Red.

  ‘Yeah he could be there,’ agreed Clancy, ‘but it’s not a definite.’

  ‘So who will be there?’ asked Red. ‘For definite.’

  ‘The Environmental Explorers and Ruby’s mom and dad,’ said Clancy, ‘which to me is more exciting than the president.’

  ‘But you see Ruby’s mom and dad all the time,’ said Red.

  ‘I’m talking about the Explorers, Red,’ said Clancy. ‘They are what’s interesting about this trip. My dad’s always meeting the president, so I mean, big deal.’

  ‘I heard that the snake woman is in a coma and basically clinging on to life,’ said Mouse.

  ‘Is that true?’ said Red.

  ‘It’s what I heard,’ said Clancy.

  ‘She was bitten by one of her own snakes,’ said Elliot.

  ‘That’s actually garbage,’ said Ruby, ‘you are just making this stuff up.’

  ‘Making what stuff up?’ asked Del – she was walking towards them, a huge sandwich in her right hand, a soda sort of tucked in the crook of her left arm.

  ‘Elliot’s talking baloney,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Hey, and I’m eating it!’ said Del, holding up her sandwich.

  ‘I was only saying how deadly those snakes are, the ones just discovered by that Mongolian conservationist,’ said Elliot.

  ‘They live on toadstools is what I heard,’ said Del.

  ‘What?’ said Elliot.

  ‘They eat toadstools,’ said Del.

  ‘Really?’ said Red.

  ‘And you know right before you die, your tongue turns green,’ said Del, ‘you get this terrible ringing in your ears like church bells or something, and your tongue turns green and then you’re dead. You know for a certainty you’re gonna be dead because of the colour of your tongue. Luminous green I heard.’

  ‘Where do you get this stuff from, Del?’ Ruby was looking at her wide-eyed. ‘I mean, this is just stuff that comes into your head and out of your mouth bypassing the brain.’

  ‘I’m sure I read it,’ said Del.

  Red was now looking at Del like she might have read it too. Red was highly suggestible and it was easy to convince her of most things. ‘It sounds sorta possible,’ she said.

  ‘Well, whatever colour her tongue might turn, one thing’s for sure,’ said Clancy, ‘she won’t be at the White House so I won’t get to meet her.’

  ‘I just hope you make it and don’t get yourself caught up in that tornado the news is talking about,’ said Elliot.

  ‘Thanks for suggesting I might,’ said Clancy.

  ‘I didn’t say you would,’ said Elliot. ‘You should just be prepared.’

  ‘How can he be prepared?’ said Mouse. ‘I mean, if he’s in a plane when a tornado hits then what’s he gonna do, head to the basement?’

  ‘Look guys, do you mind talking about something else?’ said Clancy.

  Basketball had been cancelled and Ruby was faced with a dilemma: she was grounded so therefore, strictly speaking, no basketball meant she should return home, but on the other hand, her mom and dad did not know there was no basketball and so wouldn’t be expecting her home for a couple of hours.

  She certainly didn’t want to sit around waiting for no news to come through from Spectrum, so she decided to hang out with Del.

  If she and Del got a move on, there was just enough time to grab a table at Back-Spin and play a few games.

  There was a new girl working at the counter when they got there, allocating tables and hiring out bats and ping-pong balls. She had a cool street style and a lower eastside Twinford accent. ‘Where’s Nicky?’ asked Ruby,

  ‘She’s off with laryngitis,’ said the girl. ‘I’m working her shifts ’cause I could really use the dough.’

  Del flashed her membership card and pulled some coins from her jeans pocket.

  ‘What tables you got free?’ she asked. ‘I prefer the ones by the window.’

  The girl looked at the booking sheet. ‘I only got the one near the door,’ she said.

  Reaching for a new tube of ping-pong balls, she added, ‘And I can only let you have it for thirty minutes, OK? We’re booked out today.’

  ‘That’s it?’ said Del, making a face. ‘I came all the way down here for thirty measly minutes?’

  ‘Well, I shouldn’t be here at all,’ said Ruby, ‘so maybe take what you can.’

  ‘So dya want the table or not?’ said the girl.

  ‘Thirty minutes, that really it?’ said Del.

  ‘Ignore her,’ said Ruby, ‘she means, thank you.’

  ‘Look, seeing as how you’re regulars, I can probably stretch it to an hour,’ said the girl, ‘but don’t go telling no one, OK?’

  ‘Thanks,’ said Ruby. ‘So what’s your name anyway?’

  ‘Sal,’ said the girl.

  ‘I’m Ruby and this is Del, thanks for the hour.’

  ‘You’re welcome,’ said the girl, giving them each a fist bump. ‘Pleasure to meet you.’

  ‘You too,’ said Del.

  ‘Enjoy,’ Sal called, t
urning to walk away.

  Ruby and Del played until their time was up, when they went back to the counter and handed the bats and balls over to Sal, who was sitting on top of it, chatting to the guy who had just taken over her shift.

  ‘So are you still sore about missing the Explorer thing?’ asked Del.

  ‘I’m trying not to think about it,’ said Ruby, ‘so could you stop bringing it up?’

  ‘But there were some really cool people there, right?’

  ‘I guess if you consider a person who walked on the moon cool, and a person who happens to have swum with a polar bear cool, and a woman who has discovered the rarest snake known to humankind cool, then yes,’ said Ruby, ‘I missed a lot.’

  ‘Sorry!’ said Del.

  ‘Would you stop saying sorry!’ said Ruby.

  Sal, who was busy lacing her purple Dash sneakers, was looking at them with an expression of amusement. ‘Sounds like you guys have some issues,’ she said.

  ‘You have no idea,’ said Ruby.

  Ruby walked into the house exactly when she was expected to walk into the house. Her mother looked up from the paper she was reading, the headline: IS THERE A TORNADO ON THE WAY?

  Ruby poured herself a glass of water, took out her schoolbooks and sat down to study, just like she was the model kid.

  Sabina Redfort smiled. ‘You know Ruby, forget this whole grounding thing, you’ve done your time.’

  That was all very well, but it wasn’t going to get her out of Lemon duty – Elaine had her down for at least three hours of it on Saturday.

  Chapter 35.

  Follow that cab

  THAT SATURDAY, RUBY BEGAN HER DAY WITH SOME AIKIDO PRACTICE. This was followed by a trip to the Diner; she thought she might as well celebrate her newfound freedom, as it wasn’t going to last – she would be picking up baby Lemon in an hour.

  Del and Ruby were sitting in the Donut, two hot chocolates in front of them and toes like ice blocks. They were discussing the weather and what effect it might have on the Halloween festivities.

  ‘The tornado has been cancelled,’ said Del.

  ‘What do you mean cancelled?’ said Ruby.

  ‘There isn’t going to be one,’ said Del. ‘It was on the news.’

  ‘The news doesn’t get to decide if there’s going to be a tornado or not,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Well, the weather office then,’ said Del. ‘Apparently the conditions are all wrong for tornadoes so we are off the hook.’

  ‘I would just like to remind you that tornadoes can strike in any conditions – scientists are still struggling to understand what triggers them.’

  ‘Is that Begwell out there?’ said Del looking out of the window. ‘She better not come in here.’

  ‘Why?’ asked Ruby. ‘Is this your private diner?’

  ‘No, but it’s my patch,’ said Del.

  ‘You sound like a gangster.’

  The bell jangled and a few more people bundled in.

  Del looked up. ‘Hey, isn’t that the new girl from the table tennis café?’ Ruby turned to look. ‘Yeah, you can’t miss those purple Dash sneakers.’

  ‘Boy, Back-Spin must pay its staff well, those sneakers cost a bunch,’ said Del. ‘Maybe she could get me a job.’

  ‘Maybe she just has a rich mom and dad,’ said Ruby.

  ‘She doesn’t,’ said Del.

  ‘How do you know?’ said Ruby. ‘Her accent and that whole “I could use the dough” thing she has going, I’ll bet it’s a cover.’

  ‘A cover for what?’ said Del.

  ‘For the fact that she’s some rich kid from uptown and she wants to be all, you know, downtown East Twinford.’

  ‘You’re full of it,’ said Del, ‘just envious because she’s street cool.’

  ‘What?’ said Ruby.

  ‘Hey, Sal,’ called Del, ‘you wanna join us?’

  The girl turned, looked at them as if trying to figure how she knew them and then smiled a huge smile.

  ‘Del and Ruby, right?’ said Sal. ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘Arguing,’ said Del.

  Sal frowned.

  ‘Don’t worry, it’s normal,’ said Ruby.

  Del nodded. ‘Anyway, it’s good to see you. I thought Vapona Begwell was going to walk through the door, which wouldn’t have been pretty. She and I haven’t been seeing eye to eye lately, if you know what I’m saying.’

  ‘Is that how you got the busted hand?’ said Sal, looking at Del’s bandaged wrist.

  ‘No,’ said Ruby, ‘but it’s how I ended up with a flattened nose.’

  ‘Bummer,’ said Sal.

  ‘She’s OK,’ said Del, ‘just likes to whine.’

  ‘Yeah?’ said Ruby. ‘I’m the one who’s gonna wind up sweeping the streets of Twinford.’

  ‘How’s that?’ asked Sal.

  ‘It’s what tends to happen when the cops pick you up for disorderly conduct,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Cool,’ said Sal.

  ‘Not really,’ said Ruby.

  ‘There was a fight,’ said Del. ‘A big one.’ She was showing off now.

  ‘So a lotta you guys in trouble?’

  ‘No, just me,’ said Ruby.

  ‘How come no one else got squeezed?’ said Sal.

  ‘They ran,’ said Ruby. ‘I was not, strictly speaking, expecting to wind up in the middle of a fist fight, so I wasn’t exactly dressed for the occasion, nor for running like stink in the other direction.’ She directed this at Del.

  ‘Doesn’t that kinda tick you off,’ asked Sal, ‘you taking the rap for something you never did?’

  ‘All part and parcel of being a friend of Lasco’s,’ said Ruby, thumping her friend on the arm.

  ‘She’s a good pal,’ said Del, returning the punch.

  ‘I guess she must be,’ said Sal, looking at Ruby.

  Ruby was just pushing Archie Lemon on the swing for about the five-hundredth time – that’s what her arm felt like, anyway – when something scarlet red caught her eye. She turned to see a red hat bobbing across Harker Park towards the east gate. From that distance it was hard to tell if it was the same guy who she had seen the other day, but then again men in scarlet woollen hats weren’t exactly commonplace, and if it was him then Ruby wanted to ask him some questions. So she pulled the surprised baby from the swing and snapped him into his sling, pulled on her backpack, zipped up her parker and began to fast walk down the parallel path.

  The man was just far enough ahead to tail without difficulty. However, once he reached the street he stuck out his hand to hail a taxi, which meant Ruby had to break into a run.

  ‘Boy, Lemon, what have you been eating? You seem heavier than you did last week.’

  As the man stepped into a car, so Ruby got lucky.

  ‘Where to?’ said the driver.

  ‘Follow that cab,’ said Ruby.

  ‘If I had a dime for the number of times I’ve heard that line,’ said the driver.

  The cab in front was driving northeast towards College Town, which was part of old Twinford – an area designed some seventy years ago by one of the university professors, a mathematician called Hugo Hennessey who had worked with an architect to create the university campus. At its centre was a park called Star Park, on account of its symmetrical eight-pointed-star shape, and nearly all the streets were named after numbers or mathematical theories.

  The car finally pulled up in front of an old gothic building. Ruby didn’t spend much time in this part of town, but she had attended the occasional lecture so knew this to be one of the many ivy-clad buildings which made up the University of Twinford. Ruby stepped out, paid her fare and kept a close eye on the red hat. The man was climbing the well-worn steps to the university’s Erskine building. Ruby picked up the pace.

  The man’s shoes clicked loudly on the granite floors, up stairways, down stairways and along what seemed like miles of corridors. He exited the Erskine building through the south door, crossed the courtyard planted with lime trees and entered the mu
sic school, a newly built structure and one which had caused a great deal of controversy, since it had meant the destruction of the old comb building. Twinford was once famed for its comb industry, making both plain, inexpensive combs and combs for the luxury market, in tortoise-shell and mother-of-pearl for those who could afford it. John Micklebacker III, the great comb magnate, had bequeathed the grand building to the university in his will.

  Once inside, the man strode towards the caféteria, looked around, and having spied the chiller cabinet, reached behind the rows of canned drinks and pulled out a familiar-looking bottle.

  Ruby’s eyesight was by no means good, in fact it was lousy, but even she could make out the vague shape of the cartoon kid with black hair, and white-toothed smile.

  Taste Twister.

  The man didn’t bother waiting in line to pay for the drink, instead he casually popped it up his sleeve and threaded his way back through the crowded cafeteria before exiting unnoticed by all but Ruby.

  Why didn’t he pay? thought Ruby. This intrigued her; it didn’t fit with what she thought might happen. He wasn’t even bothering to taste this drink, and where was he headed now?

  This guy most definitely knew where he was going. He was moving at speed, up more stairs and along a corridor of practice rooms. Ruby heard sounds of cello, trumpet, flute, piano, as she passed. The man’s footfall was less easy to follow now, since the building was designed to absorb sound and Ruby, who was keeping a safe distance, very nearly lost him when stairways split and corridors became other corridors.

  But she was lucky – just as she was about to concede defeat, Ruby caught a flash of scarlet as the man disappeared through the concert theatre’s swing doors. She wasn’t so sure if she wanted to follow him into the theatre, her mood about the adventure had changed. It didn’t seem like so much fun any more, but then again, if she didn’t go in then she might never know.

  And look, she told herself, the baby’s asleep and you’re a trainee field agent and this is what field agents do.

  So she crept through the doors, crouching low behind the rows of steep raked seating, Archie Lemon still peacefully sleeping in his sling on her chest. To her surprise she heard voices – the man was not alone, he was talking to someone, another man. She couldn’t see him from where she crouched, but he sounded like a bit of a meathead as far as she could tell. The acoustics were very good as one would expect in a music theatre and each word rang out clearly.