by Stanski
at your bones, asking for direction
Voices you listened to, gave advice,
forced you to face difficult choices.
Four…three…two…it was all but finished.
Diminished responsibility?
A lack of hands-on experience?
You feel it was inevitable.
The final digit; one. No appeal.
Zero; times up. All things; happy, sad,
good or bad, must come at last, to rest.
Your once, twenty-twenty clairvoyance,
and all those blessings you counted,
amounted to mockery; bluffing,
and you got your just deserts…nothing.
Now look at you… You’re at it again… There you go again, with that look on your face… You know the one… The one that says you’re on a mission…That intense expression of pure… Insanity, is it..?
Whatever…
You’ve got that glint in your eye… That sparkle…You know the one…The one that announces you’re ready…And waiting…
There’s nothing anyone can do to stop you…
Is there…?
You’re on your way…
Into your mind…
You’re going…
Into your head…
To see if it’s true what they said…
About no bread…
And half a loaf…
Both not the full shilling…
But the thing that’s nearly…
Killing you…
The thing you’re really dying to know…
Trying to be, oh so…
Sure of…
And not just so, by the law of…
Averages…
Is this…
What exactly is the score…?
Now, you’re not the sharpest tool…
But you’re nobody’s fool…
Or are you…?
Dare you try to be a little less…
Serious…?
Clearly this is more the case…
No empty space between your ears…
May not be all that it appears…
A full loaf, only half-baked…
Make no mistake…
Believe you me…
Is gonna be…
Most detri…
Mental…!
So you see…
It’s not true what they said…
Now you’re going
Out of your head…
Out of your mind…!
But you’re getting used to it by now… Staring into space…
It’s been a long time… Such a long, long time…
You’ve been thinking about things… Things that might be able to present some sort of challenge… Not to your intellect… To your endurance… Your stamina… Your ability to withstand… Boredom… Discomfort… But, above all… Pain…! You want to see if anything can take you over… Over that threshold…
And what’s so unusual about that…?
Surely the symptoms you’re attempting to overcome, are the classic symptoms that every Marathon runner, for instance, experiences, and is able to identify with…
But no… You want more… You want to take matters to a much higher level…
Don’t you…?
You want to become involved with something altogether, far more… Extreme…!
Before the beginning – a mind
Exists in the ferment formed
By the dust of the first Big Bang
Creativity is created
And concepts inhabit the mind
Original concepts all
This mind, alone in the void
At some point before Space and Time
Devoid of fear of theft of thought
Inexperienced in matters of matter
Prone to the occasional mistake
In the beginning, a need
A need for survival
For continuity
Ambition, achievement
…Things of the future
Life is in the early stages
Of evolving intelligence
Revolving around the light
The light the mind has seen
Mind over matter; actions occur
As fast as the speed of thought
No need to plan ahead
In subconscious reality
No process, no control
Only cause and effect
Without consequence
Or accountability
Until several Big Bangs later…
A story for another Time…
You want to be involved with something much more physically, as well as mentally, demanding… A sport in which you run the constant risk of injury…?
Football…?
Rugby…?
A contact sport…?
Boxing…?
Martial arts…?
A sport in which you run the constant risk of serious injury…?
Ski-jumping…?
Mountaineering…?
More extreme still…? But one that requires no special skills, or training… And can be practiced without ever having to leave home… Because you like staying in…Don’t you…? You’ve got used to it… Haven’t you…?
It’s not exactly going to be a sport then… Is it…? More of a lifestyle choice…
So what then…?
Alcoholism…?
Smoking…?
Class-A drugs…?
It’s none of the above… Is it…? Because… It’s something you have to take seriously…dedicate yourself to… in order to become successful at it…
You have to start from the beginning… Build up your resistances… your tolerances… your immunities… to extreme… pain…!
Sad
Pattern
Emerging
What used to be
A happy household
Becomes a battleground
Where a war of words is waged
Children caught up in the crossfire
Angry outbursts replaced by violence
And a ‘Conflict Culture’ is established
Time
Adjusts
Attitudes
‘A’ grade students
Week-end; warriors
Grievances germinate
Gang chants; ‘Come and have a go
If you think you’re hard enough’; but
Bedtime foils these part-time pugilists
Homework to hand in at school on Monday
Three
O’clock
Saturday
Time to kick off
Suited and booted
Tee-shirts, jeans, Doc Martens
They’re not there for the football
If you’re wearing the wrong colours
You’re the subject of their battle-cry
‘You’re gonna get your f***ing heads kicked-in’
Pub
Drinking
Can’t take it
Aggression builds
Transforms to violence
Spills over onto the streets
Bell for last orders ends round one
Then three fall flat in the free-for-all
Public telephones dialling nine-nine-nine
Cause
Carnage
Country-wide
Damage Devon
Beach-brawl in Blackpool
More mayhem in Manchester
Bristol, Bradford and Birmingham
Armed with killer kisses from Salford
And seven inch long shafts from Sheffield
Flash
Blue light
Ambulance
Paramedics
Hospital crisis
Domestic incident
Battered wife puts knife in
Intensive care; blood transfusion
Remorse; forgiveness, reunites them
Thrust, stab; bedtime fun – morning; punch and slap
Kids
Witness
The abuse
Keep their mouths shut
Know what’s best for them
They’ve felt their father’s fire
Shared their mother’s misfortune
Thought this time it might be different
‘When we’re older we’ll take our revenge’
… … …Troubled family tradition preserved
And with good reason… Because it’s the kind of game your parents… and your teachers… always told you not to play…!
In fact it’s not just a game… Is it…? It’s a whole series of games… that become increasingly more difficult… increasingly more challenging… and increasingly more painful… as you graduate through the various levels…
These are not team games… or group activities… These are games for individuals… determined individuals…Players…!
There is no competition… There are no prizes… No medals are awarded… The only thing you gain… is pain…Extreme pain…
These are…
Dangerous Games…
So…
How do you get started…?
Well… It’s all the sitting around that gets you started… started on something… different… Something quite different… Something extreme…
Let’s face it… All that sitting around kind of gets to you… when you’ve got nothing else to do, because… well because… you can’t be doing the things you’d rather be doing… Rather than just sitting around… thinking… Thinking about the things you’d rather be doing… And that’s what gets you started… And getting started is easy… It only takes all that thinking you get to doing… through all that sitting around you’ve been doing… And once you do get started… you get right into it… And getting right into it is even easier than getting started in the first place… because it becomes so very addictive… so very quickly… Before you know it… you become dependent on it… That’s when you just know…
So, yes… for sure… getting started is easy… All you need… to get started… is a front door… and, preferably, a sunny day…
It also helps if you have two hands… Both of them your own… You need both hands… but you don’t need to be ambidextrous, or anything…
With the front door open a crack
and the afternoon sun, still strong
You can settle into the beam
that slices through the entrance hall
Then, with left hand over right eye
(because you need your good, right hand
and the sun shines in from the left)
You can stare at another world
Raise right hand, in front of face
wave rapidly before left eye
Stroboscopic finger effect
causes images to distort
Perspective loses relevance
Dimensions fuse, and time speeds up
Colours merge into greyish-pink
Tone and contrast exist no more
The action enhances hearing
Ultra-high and ultra-low
frequencies can be distinguished
and messages begin to form
Suddenly contrast is restored
Images show, in shades of grey
like negative development
for those grainy old black and whites
Stills develop jerky motion
It’s early Hollywood, with sound
but nothing like you’ve ever seen
shown at a cinema near you
Your deepest dreams, your greatest fears
take shape and manifest themselves
somewhere between the world outside
and that crack that lets darkness in
4.In Decline
You moved in circles populated by important men, to centre your attention on your own self-serving needs. Conflicting images, provoked by indirect, free thought compel you to explore the words that issued from your lips… As ready as you’d ever be to face up to your flaws, your weaknesses exposed, revealed the depth of your self-doubt
Decreasing popularity, a rapid fall from grace, a half-truth half uncovered, and a hasty exit made
The tightly-woven web of lies surrounding your affairs displayed a calm exterior; concealed a troubled mind. Unguarded overnight, the rusted gateway to your past saw souls forgotten breach the threshold; dominate your dreams. By morning light, decaying fibres frayed; dissolved to dust.
A solitary strand survived intact; remained untouched, refusing to capitulate to futile, though well-meaning words of the seemingly sapient, caparisoned on some high horse.
Fumbling fingers and thumbs fondle urban treasure; tobacco strands salvaged from the discarded dimps of those who leave a longer stub. ‘Crumple’ covers all the angles; Oxfam attire, through wrinkled skin, to that misshapen reefer…No purse required to join this club.
Tincture (prescribed to soothe the wounds sustained surviving outdoor life), dispensed from council tip hip flask; one hundred proof panacea, completes the pattern of decline initiated by the glitch that failed to recognise the signs and doff its cap to ‘life’s a bitch’.
And as you already know, it only takes a second of idle conversation… A lapse of concentration transforms a situation from random speculation to scenes of devastation, as ideas develop.
At last obsession takes hold, as concepts become distorted… and it’s all downhill from there… Disturbed imagination, interrupted train of thought…
Normal service is resumed, and due to circumstances beyond anyone’s control… out of reach of influence of impartial, outside help, independent observers, or unbiased referees… the mechanics of the mind... dangerous daydreams… take hold.
Unable to sleep at night, logic and reason are lost. A world of whims without walls, events without witnesses, instruments of self-neglect and erratic behaviour are all at your disposal, with unlimited access… No constraints, restrictions.
Decisions go unchallenged; all departures are delayed as new arrivals check in. All appointments are cancelled, all ambitions unfulfilled, and of course, all bets are off...
Left to your own devices, the seeds of apathy are sown, and uncertainty takes root… And you find you’re living on a diet of pessimistic projections, and worst-case scenarios, with cynical points of view, until prophecies bear fruit, and new attitudes are born… which aren’t necessarily what anyone would describe as healthy, wholesome values.
No good deed goes unpunished, which is just as well because at this very moment, you’re only scratching the surface… Locked in your troubled conscience, hidden in your sub-conscious, issues rise to the surface, which of course are followed by appeals for absolution. However, predictably, your petitions go unheard… No-one knows, and no-one cares… Someone must pay the penance; you know that person is you. But your painful, plaintive pleas are not acts of contrition… No need to apologise for the deeds of yesterday, for which you have no regrets… Actions you can’t justify, but actions nevertheless… if anyone ever asked.
Behind your sinister smile, you’ve never tried to disguise your answer to the question, ever since the fat cats went away… permanently, leaving now fat mice to play… inventing Dangerous Games to play… when the time is right.
And so the games continue…
Something Distasteful
Deceives Suburbia
Semi-Detached
Domestic Situation
Slowly Decaying
Disturbing Symptoms
Severe Depression
Dialogue Suspended
Shame Degradation
Damage Sustained
Soul Destroying
Disgraceful Secret
Sympathy Denied
Dysfunctional Scapegoat
Statistics Dictate
Downward Spiral
Social Disorder
Declining Standards
Suffering Disguised
Discipline Survives
Suspicions Diffused
Dubious Success
Scars Deliver
>
Distorted Sentiments
Senses Dulled
Disabling Sincerity
Sheer Desperation
Determines Solution
Sanity Doubtful
Disaster Strikes
5. The Pursuit Of Trivia
A misdirected comment at an inopportune time creates a broken window of missed opportunity… which is kind of logical, in a messed-up kind of way…
An open invitation in a tight-sealed envelope, initiates a response that will go without comment, without ever being said.
An understated compliment, offers an understanding of overstated indulgence in unreasonable affairs… The product of a misspent youth…? Or of a well spent future…?
No-one knows, or cares, these days… They’re all too preoccupied with things of no importance… things of no significance… with things that don’t make much sense. All have other fish to fry, other considerations they must take into account… other accounts they must take into consideration, while you ponder aimlessly, sitting there, thinking about nothing in particular… listening to the latest, hot chart hits and breaking news; global information from your local radio station, now turning its attention to random acts of boredom.
Infotainment Show phone-in… Monday morning, possibly, maybe even afternoon, but definitely Monday… You make a simple request, as cynical as ever; a dedication to those who dedicate their lives to The Pursuit of Trivia… those with too much time on their hands, too much cash in their pockets, too much disposable income. No sign of an overdraft, not even the slightest hint; those who definitely have visible means of support, without any strings attached…
You’re not jealous or anything, although it must be stated, you can’t afford the luxury of managing your own time; prioritising interests. You couldn’t even compile a short list of things to do; setting out intentions in chronological order… a graphical presentation, or put it another way, a Bucket List of wishes you’d never wish anyway… You wouldn’t even wish them on your greatest enemy… And we all know who that is… It happens to be yourself…
Nothing to do but kill time
The boredom is killing you
Pace up and down; to and fro
Wear a hole in the carpet
No wonder you feel dizzy
Somebody call a doctor
Nothing to do but kill time
The boredom is killing you
Shout upstairs for assistance
House has been empty for weeks
The echo reverberates
Nothing to do but kill time