“Hey,” Nori called softly.
“Sorry. I was thinking about the liquor inventory.”
“Liar.” Hope jerked in surprise. “I know that look. I used to see it in the mirror.”
“Nori—”
“Please, just give me five minutes.”
Wordlessly, Hope pulled out a chair. Nori did the same and they sat.
“I did the same thing Beau’s doing,” she started. “I left Heath.”
“You did what? Why would you leave him?”
“Not now,” Nori corrected. “When we got back from Kazarus the first time. When I was in the hospital after I was shot. I suspect my reasons for doing it were different than Beau’s but I did it all the same. I kicked Heath out of the hospital and out of my life. I thought I was doing the right thing, I thought I had to let him go. I was miserable. I was heartbroken. I hurt him. And I was very wrong.”
“Jangles and I are not you and Woof. What you have is very different.”
“Beau.”
“What?”
“He’s Beau to you.”
Pain sliced through Hope, leaving her panting. Sweet Jesus, that hurt. He was Beau, now he wasn’t. He wasn’t anything to her. Nothing. She knew when he’d left that was it, he wouldn’t call her or make any attempt to see her. She just didn’t know how much his absence would tear her up.
“Please listen to me, he’s not Beau. He’s not even Jangles. Whatever we had is over. And really, what we had wasn’t much.” The lie rolled off her tongue and pierced Hope’s heart. “We started off hooking up when we could, then we graduated to me cat sitting when he left for work. That’s all we were. Now it’s over. It was good, it was fun, but I’ve let that go.”
“What happened to you?”
Hope's shoulders snapped back and a chill hit her skin. “What do you mean?”
“When we were in Kazarus, you said you know what it’s like to live with guilt. What do you feel guilty about?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“I got all day, Hope.” Nori sat back in her chair but her eyes never left Hope’s. “When we were in that bunker, I started going down a path—”
“I don’t want to talk about Kazarus.”
“Too bad, you need to. We all do. While we were there, we were all trying to make the best of a seriously shitty situation. But under all the lighthearted banter, each of us was scared. Not only for ourselves, but for the guys, too. I was so terrified Onur was going to kill me in front of Heath before he either killed himself or tried to kill Heath. You knew it, too. You knew when the lights came on and Onur was in the room with us he wanted me. That’s why you gave yourself to him. You protected me. Now I’m returning the favor. And, Hope, you’re gonna let me.”
Tension coiled in Hope’s shoulders. The tightness spread up her neck and she felt the beginning of a headache coming on. Not a good thing to have at the start of her shift on a Friday night, when in a few hours the bar would be packed, the music loud, and the crowd rowdy.
“Seriously, Nori—”
“Seriously, Hope,” she snapped back and Hope’s temper flared.
Fine.
If Nori wanted the story, she’d give it to her. Then she’d understand why a man like Jangles didn’t belong with a woman like her in the first place. Nori would be relieved Jangles had cut and run.
Promise me, Beau. Swear it. You won’t let me go.
Swear, Hope, I won’t let you go, baby.
Push hard, Beau. Even when I fight you, push. Don’t let me leave you.
Look at me.
I am.
You’re looking, but you’re not seeing me. I’m not gonna let you go.
The agony of Jangles’ deception settled over Hope. Lies—all lies. The worst part was she’d known better. She knew he’d never give her more, knew she didn’t deserve it, knew she’d never have it, yet she still fell for his lies.
No, it was better this way.
“Hope?” Nori’s voice pulled her back to the present.
“Fine. You want it, here it is. When I was seventeen, my boyfriend killed my parents.” Hope heard Nori’s gasp but kept going. “Then he turned his knife on me.”
Nori’s eyes went to the long, puckered scar on Hope’s forearm. The daily reminder of what a horrible person she was.
Hope lifted her arm to give the other woman a better view. “He did this, right before I got his knife from him and stabbed him in the throat.”
“Hope—”
“Don’t feel sorry for me. It’s my fault they’re dead. They told me he was bad news. Told me to stop seeing him. They threatened to pull me out of school and send me away to a boarding school. And it was my fault for telling Went that. He went ballistic. Totally insane. I thought him wanting to take me away was the most romantic thing in the world. That he loved me so much he wanted to run off with me and protect me from the bullies at school. He said he couldn’t live without me. He said I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Then he killed my parents. Killed them so they couldn’t send me away and he could have me.
“I don’t deserve anyone’s pity. I brought it all on myself and my parents died because I’m a selfish, horrible person. And don’t think what I did in Kazarus was some brave, heroic act. It wasn’t. You’re a good person. Ivy, Gwen, Destiny, all of you good. I had nothing to lose. I have nothing.”
“Honey, that’s not true.”
“All of it’s true. I don’t get Jangles because he deserves someone better. It’s good he realized that and let me go. Now he’s free to find someone that will make him happy. Someone good and clean and worthy. I’m happy for him.”
Liar.
“It’s not your fault—”
“Please, Nori, please stop. It is my fault. I chose Went. I kept seeing him after everyone told me to stop. And truthfully, I knew he wasn’t a good guy. I knew it and I didn’t break it off and I didn’t for selfish reasons. Now, I have to get back to work. I’m sorry you wasted your time coming here but nothing has changed, nothing will change.”
“I’m gonna kill Beau,” Nori muttered.
“Please don’t be mad at Jangles. He did the right thing, and in time, you’ll see I’m right.”
“You’re not right. You are so very, very wrong. And, honey, it kills me that you think he deserves someone better. It hurts that you carry this guilt around when you shouldn’t. But what really hurts is knowing you’re not going to let it go when you absolutely should.”
“I tried,” Hope whispered. “I trusted him. He told me he wouldn’t let me go. He told me he wanted more. He said he didn’t want us to be a secret. He said he wanted the woman he loved on his arm and not have to hide. He broke every promise he made. But I understand and I’m begging you to understand, too. He’s a good guy who knows what kind of woman he deserves.”
“You’re wrong.” Nori shoved to her feet, the chair scratching on the wood floor as she stood. Then she leaned over the table, a deep scowl etched on her pretty features. “You’re too fucking good for him. Think about that, Hope. You survived hell. And I don’t care if you invited that Went person into your life, you didn’t invite him in to murder your parents. You didn’t ask him to end their lives. You were seventeen. You survived that and you didn’t let it break you. Don’t you think your parents would want you to move on, have a good life, be happy? Don’t you think they loved you? No parent would want their child to throw away their life holding on to guilt that’s not theirs. I know what kind of person you are, I know how good and courageous. You were willing to give up your life to save mine. That doesn’t say horrible and selfish. That says good and brave. And I’m pissed as hell at Beau, and if you don’t think I’m not gonna tell him exactly how disappointed I am, you’re wrong about that, too.”
Nori straightened, picked up her purse, and told Hope, “And by the way, I’m moving to Texas. One of many changes. Which is a good thing, since I figure it’s gonna take me a fair amount of effort to sort your head.”
&
nbsp; Oh, no.
That didn’t sound good. Hope had underestimated Nori. She’d thought the woman was competent, professional, and strong. Now she knew Nori was really a wild snarling dingo, and if Hope wasn’t careful, she’d sink her feral teeth into Hope’s life.
“I’m sure Woof and the others will be thrilled.”
“But not you?”
“I would be if I was staying in Killeen.”
Nori’s eyes narrowed and her chin dipped before she asked, “Where are you going?”
“I found a place in West Texas.”
“You’re not gonna tell me where?”
Hope shook her head and smiled. “I’m happy for you and Heath. But mostly, I’m happy for you. Be well, Nori.”
Before the other woman could say more, Hope stood and hightailed her ass out of the pool room and dashed into the back of the bar.
It was too soon to be back at work. Too soon to have to plaster on a fake smile and pretend her life wasn’t in the toilet.
She’d planned on giving BF two weeks’ notice. Now she was giving him twenty-four hours. And she knew he’d understand. He wouldn’t be happy, but he was a man who’d lost everything, too. He’d also run from a life that was full of promise when he’d come back from war missing his legs. So he’d absolutely understand why Hope needed a fresh start.
Chapter 24
Jangles looked around his empty house and all he felt was relief.
“That’s the last of it,” Zip told him unnecessarily.
“’Preciate your help.”
Zip looked around the living room before he gave Jangles a few bone-crushing pounds on the shoulder.
“Anytime. You know that, right?”
“I do.”
“You gonna call Hope?”
“Not yet.”
Zip sighed his disappointment. “It’s been almost a month, brother. You heard what Nori said, she’s packing up and moving.”
Yeah, Jangles had heard the woman—loud and clear. That was because Nori had very loudly told him what a jackass he was, then very clearly told him that he was an idiot, and she’d done that for a very long time. When she’d finally stopped ranting, she gently coaxed him into talking. The conversation had started much the same way it had with his team but ended with him admitting he was scared.
And that’s what he needed to talk to Trigger about. Not that his team didn’t understand—they’d all been in the same position—all of their women had been taken. But his team was too close to the situation. It was hard to talk to them about blaming himself and not make them feel like he was blaming them, too, which he wasn’t.
Intellectually, Jangles knew the sole responsibility rested on Demir. But he was still struggling to get past what Destiny had said to Hope—don’t ever do that again. That one innocent statement had fucked with him since she’d said it. The thought of there being a next time plagued his dreams.
The chances were slim, yet it had happened. Jangles had brought his work stateside, literally to his door, and Hope had been taken, held captive, then she’d been forced to kill someone—again.
After Nori was done reaming his ass, leaving him to ponder all the ways he’d fucked up, he went to his bedroom, a place he hadn’t been in since the day he woke up hungover, and immediately gathered the bedclothes and threw them out the front door. After that, he carried out the bed, the frame, and drove them to the dump. Three trips later, all of his bedroom furniture was gone. That had been the first time some of the weight started to lift.
Then he got on his laptop, found a house two blocks away that was move-in ready, and within a few hours, he’d signed a new lease, wrote a check to his old landlord getting him out of his current one, and started moving his stuff over.
He’d had to wait a week for the guys to be free to help him move the stuff he couldn’t carry himself, and now that he’d let his disgruntled cat out of her carrier at the new place, he was done.
Gone would be the physical reminders of the house that Hope was taken from, leaving the mental ones he’d yet to overcome. That was why he needed to speak to Trigger. He couldn’t go to Hope until he knew he could move past his fear.
But he couldn’t tell his friend that, so instead he asked, “She still planning on leaving tomorrow?”
“According to Nori, yes.”
Good. I have time.
“I hope you know what you’re doing.”
“So do I.”
“Jangles—”
“I need a few more hours to sort my head. She deserves that much, trust me. I cannot go to her and hope she forgives me if I’m not sure I can let go of the fear. Either way, I’ll talk to her before she leaves.”
“Either way?”
“I know you of all people will understand this. I love her enough to know that if I can’t be the man she needs, I need to step aside. If I can’t have her, at least I can let her go find her happiness.”
“That’s a lonely road,” Zip quietly warned.
“You walked that road for twelve years, I suspect you know better than I do. But seeing as I feel like my heart’s been ripped out of my chest, and the thought of her finding a man and spending her life with him makes me want to murder some imaginary dude, I think I have a good idea what the rest of my life would be like without her. She’s it for me, I know it. Just like you knew Destiny was yours. But you stepped aside so your brother could be happy, so Destiny could be, too. So, I know you get it, Zip. I can’t have her unless I know I’m man enough to push the fear aside.”
Zip stared unblinking at the bare wall and nodded. “I get it. But just so you know, I wish I wouldn’t have let her go. I can still remember lying in my bed listening to Sean and Destiny telling my parents they were getting married. It felt like I was dying inside, but I owed him. He was my brother—my twin. My best friend. He’d saved my life. So I owed him to stay upstairs in my bed and keep quiet even though I wanted to go downstairs and take Destiny away from him. So, while I understand, our situations are not the same. I regret losing those years with Destiny. I regret not having her by my side. I shouldn’t have waited so long after Sean died to go to her. If you think Hope is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, then don’t let anything stop you from going to her.”
“I know she is.”
“Then you better find a pair of knee pads, because I have a feeling you’ll need them when you grovel.” Zip clapped him on the shoulder and made his way to the door but stopped before he opened it. “And, Jangles?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re man enough.” Zip paused and smiled. “That is, when you’re not acting like a pussy.”
With that, Zip was gone.
Jangles didn’t bother doing another walk-through of the house.
Thirty minutes later, Jangles pulled into Twinny’s parking lot and found Trigger’s car already there. He grabbed his cell and wallet, folded out of his truck, and made his way inside.
Thankfully, Trigger had the foresight to get a booth in the back corner of the restaurant, away from prying ears.
“I already ordered,” Trigger started. “Didn’t figure after we had this conversation you’d have a stomach for food.”
The other man was correct, Jangles hadn’t had much of an appetite for anything the last month, and he’d sworn off Jack Daniel’s for the rest of his life.
Now that Jangles was sitting across from Trigger, he wasn’t sure how to start the conversation. Actually, he knew what he wanted to ask, he just didn’t know how to frame it without sounding like the pussy Zip had accused him of being.
“You ever hear the story about what happened when Gillian was shot?”
Jangles shook his head in the negative.
“I’ll spare you all the details. The bottom line is, I heard the shot, took off to take down the shooter, Lefty covered Gillian. After the situation was under control, I went to Gillian and there was blood pooling on the concrete around her. My world stopped, all I could see was the blood. Witho
ut assessing her injuries, because at the time, all I could think about was if she died, I would never go on. Gillian was wheezing, her eyes dazed, and there I was on my knees begging my woman not to leave me—not to die. I can’t remember everything I said, though if you ask Grover, he’ll repeat it verbatim. The point is, I thought she was dying. She wasn’t. She was hit, but it was a graze to her arm. Grover and the guys were giving me one hell of a ribbing. I didn’t care what they were saying, how I looked begging my woman not to die from a graze. All that mattered to me was she was alive and she’d be in my bed that night.
“My point is, you’re sitting across from me with a look on your face that tells me you need to talk, but what you’re worried about is what I’ll think of you. And I say this as a man who loves his woman and doesn’t give the first fuck that others know or what they think. So, spit it out.”
“I’d ask you how you could read me so easily, but I suspect I’m not hiding it.”
“You’re not,” Trigger confirmed.
“How do you do it?”
“I love her,” he returned immediately.
“I get that. So how do you do it?”
“I love her.” Trigger held his stare and remained quiet.
It couldn’t be that easy, could it?
“I’m scared,” he finally admitted.
“Yeah?”
“I’m scared it will happen again. I’m afraid that something we do will follow me home and next time, she won’t be so lucky.”
“The odds—”
“I know the odds. I know they’re nil. Yet, I can’t stop being afraid. That’s why I’m asking you how you do it.”
“I do it because the fear of not having her outweighs the fear of a mission gone wrong. It’s easy because the alternative means I don’t have her. I don’t go to sleep with her, I don’t wake up with her, I don’t see her smile, or tease her, or hear her laugh. I think the question you should be asking is, what are you more afraid of?”
Hope's Delta (Special Forces: Operation Alpha) (Delta Team Three Book 5) Page 14