“Not having her.”
“Then why’d you let her go?”
“Told you why.”
“That’s not why. What’s the real reason you cut her loose?”
Jangles felt the pressure starting to build in his skull, his ever-present headache making itself known.
“What if in a few months from now, or a few years, she decides I’m not enough, the life I can give her is not what she wants? The constant call-outs, the training, the inconsistency, the possibility I don’t come home from a mission. Then what? I know she’s it for me. I know what it feels like not to have her, I know the pain of the constant throbbing in my chest. I can’t live like this.”
“Then don’t. You have the power to end your misery, yet you’re not. Love’s a gamble. But every morning when I open my eyes and see Gillian next to me, I feel like I’ve won. You’re letting fear and what-ifs rule your life. If you love her like you say you do, I suggest you get in your truck and get your ass to her place and do it quick.”
Jangles nodded. “I’m going there in the morning. I wanted to talk to you and—”
“If you love her, you’ll go right now and pray you’re not too late. She’s leaving this afternoon.”
“Come again?”
“She told me last night she was packed and ready and heading out a day early.”
“You didn’t think maybe you should’ve started with that?” Jangles snapped, and started to slide out of the booth.
“Nope. I figured the way you jacked her around, you needed to sweat a little. Good luck, friend.”
Jangles didn’t bother with a post-heart-to-heart goodbye. If he missed Hope he’d have to face BF, which he didn’t mind doing, but it would take for-fucking-ever to get the old man to tell him where she went. Which he deserved, of course, but he didn’t have the patience when he needed to get to his woman.
Chapter 25
Hope looked around the RV she’d called home for the last eight years and doubt started to creep into her heart. She’d refurbished every square inch of the motorcoach. From reupholstering the captain’s chairs to the two-seater couch. She’d pulled up the ugly nineteen-sixties linoleum and replaced it with laminate wood flooring. A newish fifty-five inch flat-screen TV fit above the sink so she could relax on the couch and watch a movie. Not that she had time for that, but she could.
The kitchenette had been updated, along with the bathroom and the back bedroom area. All done by her, using the skills that BF had taught her. The old man was the first person who’d shown her any kindness after her parents died. He was an odd mixture of father-figure, grandfather, brother, confidant, and teacher. And she was going to miss him.
With a heavy sigh, she walked back to her bed to grab the last suitcase and wondered if she was doing the right thing. She was honest enough with herself to know she was running away from everything she loved, everything she’d built, because she couldn’t face Jangles. Not that she’d seen him. He hadn’t come into the bar even though Woof, Zip, Duff, and Merlin had.
The first time the guys had come in, they’d all said hello, but they gave her a wide berth. The next time, they sat at the bar and chatted with her. No one brought up the five-hundred-pound elephant in the room, but they made it clear they all liked her and didn’t want things to be awkward. It was the third visit that had been the hardest. Nori, Gwen, Ivy, and Destiny joined them. The men played pool, the women sat at the bar. None of them dared to utter Jangles’ name, but they made it clear Hope was one of them and tried their damnedest to pull her into their girl posse.
So, she was leaving for a variety of reasons. Her resolve to stay remote and not get sucked into the friendship the women were offering was one. The men glancing at her with sympathy was another. But mostly, she was leaving because she couldn’t be in the same town close to Jangles. It was only a matter of time before he joined his buds at the bar. That would kill. But when he found himself a woman and brought her in, that would demolish Hope.
She’d done a lot of soul-searching over the last few weeks. After years of BF telling her she wasn’t to blame for her parents’ and brother’s deaths—something the two of them had talked about in-depth over tequila many times—times where he’d have a shot or two, wait for her to drink enough to loosen her tongue, then impart his wisdom. Over and over, he’d told her the guilt she carried would destroy her. He’d begged her to burn the letter Peter had left. Nothing had penetrated. She held on to her past. But it was something that Nori had said that got her thinking. You survived hell.
Survived.
She had survived, the others hadn’t.
Hope had spent so many years punishing herself for their deaths she’d forgotten something until Nori had reminded her. They loved her. Her parents might not have had a butt-load of money in the bank, they did what they could to get by. But they were rich in a way that had nothing to do with money. She and Peter were loved. She knew it, she felt it, and she still allowed her teenage self to get dragged down by what people at school said about her.
She’d allowed herself to become a victim. But not Peter. While their parents were alive, he knew he was loved and it didn’t matter what others said.
It had taken a few days for Nori’s words to settle, and when they finally did, Hope snatched her brother’s suicide note from her nightstand where she kept it and burned it. Then she found the framed family photo her mom had proudly displayed in their old home and set it out. At first, seeing that picture sent Hope into a sobbing mess. But as the days slid into a week, it felt good having them back.
New life. New start. New home.
That was what Hope was after. And while she was finding that, she was going to let go of the guilt. Not that she’d ever forget, but she was determined to start living.
Hope heard the crunching of tires on the gravel outside and groaned. She’d already said goodbye to BF and she’d barely held the tears back the first time. Before she could grab her suitcase to go out and meet him, the door swung open with an almighty crash and Hope turned to see who’d entered.
Time stood still and her breath stopped when she caught sight of Jangles.
He looked horrible, disheveled, and he was staring at her like he had in the hotel room back in Kazarus. He also looked huge standing in the small space—imposing, angry—but his blue eyes held something else. A month ago, she would’ve tried to decipher the look, she would’ve wanted to ease what she saw. But now he was not hers. Whatever was bothering him wasn’t her business.
Pain stabbed at her insides, and then and there, she knew she’d made the right decision leaving. She’d been wrong—just seeing him demolished her. Desecrated her heart.
She had to go.
Long moments stretched while neither said a word, but she couldn’t look away. He held her captive. Everything she wanted stood before her. Only a few feet separated them but it might as well have been an ocean.
Yeah, she had to leave.
“Jangles—”
“Beau,” he snarled.
Oh, no, not that again. He’d never be Beau again.
They went back to silence and it felt like an eternity before he spoke again. An infinite length of time where her heart pounded in her chest, breaking apart what was left of the organ.
“I fucked up.”
Hope locked her knees and fought to stay upright. What she would have given to hear those words the day after he’d dropped her off. Hell, she’d secretly, stupidly, held on to hope for the first week after he left her, desperately wishing he’d come back.
Now it was too late.
New life.
New start.
“I don’t know what to say to that,” she admitted.
“Please, hear me out.”
Now, she knew the answer to that one.
“No.”
“Hope, baby, please—”
“Stop. Just stop. I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. It’s done. Whatever we had is over.”
�
�I tried.” Two words that sounded incredibly painful for Jangles to admit but even more painful for Hope to hear. “I tried to do the right thing. At least when I was doing it, I thought it was right. I failed to protect you. My job had leaked into your life and put you in danger.”
“Jangles—”
“After we got word Destiny and Nori had been taken, something inside of me snapped. I didn’t realize it at the time because all I could think about was getting home to make sure you were safe. Then I walked into my home, my fucking home, a place where you were supposed to be safe, and found you gone. Snatched from the bed we slept in, where I held you, where I made love to you, where hours before, I tucked you in before I left for work. And you were fucking taken from it, wearing my goddamn T-shirt and a pair of fucking panties. Taken!” he roared the last word, and Hope jerked in surprise.
“I know,” she whispered.
“After that, I felt nothing but death and destruction and more fear than I’ve ever felt in my life. It consumed me. For thirty-six hours, I was scared to fucking death that something was going to happen to you because of my job. I love you, Hope. I love you so damn much that I thought I had to let you go to keep you safe. I tried to let you go to be free to live a life where you never had to worry about when your man was going or where to, or if he’d bring that kind of danger home. But I can’t give you up. Those thirty-six hours have nothing on the pain I’ve felt the last month. I’m so sorry. Christ, baby, I’m so sorry.”
“When I woke up tied and blindfolded, I was scared.”
“I know you were.”
“No, Jangles, I was scared. And when we were in that bunker I was scared, too. And when Onur took me into the tunnel, I was scared. But through all of that, I knew you’d come. Then I wasn’t only scared for myself, Nori, Ivy, Gwen, and Destiny, I was scared for you and the guys. But never, not once, did I blame you. Never did I think about leaving you. When you found me, all I felt was relief that I was in your arms. Then you washed away the blood and I felt clean. I felt loved. I felt safe. I believed in you, in the promises you made me. You asked me to believe and I did. Then you took it all away. You broke every promise you made me. We’re done, Jangles, in a way that cannot be fixed.”
“I can fix it. I swear, Hope, I’ll fix it.”
“You promised me you’d never let me go. Promised. Yet, you did. So I hope you understand I don’t believe anything you have to say.”
Pain slashed across his face and it sucked, but Hope felt that pain, too. She didn’t want it to affect her the way it did. She didn’t want to care he looked like she’d fired a kill shot, but she did.
He was everything she’d wanted but would never have.
“Baby, I’m begging you, please give us a chance. Give me a chance to make this right. I was wrong. I know I was. I let fear cloud everything. I can’t let you go.”
“You’re too late.” She shook her head, needing to get away from him before she broke down. “Please leave.”
“I’m not leaving.”
“Fine. But I am.”
Determined to get to her car and drive away from Killeen and Jangles, she started to move toward the door, which meant she was moving in his direction. The struggle not to allow him to touch her when he lifted his hand and reached for her was harder than she thought it would be. But she did it.
“Don’t touch me.”
They were close, so close she could smell the lingering scent of his laundry detergent, the faint pine of his soap. She loved the way he smelled, outdoorsy, rugged—all man.
“I’m begging,” he repeated and dropped his hand. “Please, give me an hour.”
“A month ago I would’ve given you anything you wanted. Now, you’re too late.”
“You love me.”
Arrow straight through her heart.
Hope’s eyes drifted closed and she fought to find her breath.
“I do.” She didn’t bother denying it. “I love you. I always will. But something you taught me is, I deserve better than to be thrown away.” Hope opened her eyes and took one last look at Jangles. She lifted her hand and placed it on his chest. She felt the strong, fierce beat of his heart under her palm and wished he hadn’t broken his promises. “Be well.”
Hope stepped around him and made her way down the stairs, but stopped when he said, “I’m not letting you go. You can run but I’ll find you.”
Hope’s step faltered but miraculously she kept her feet. He had no idea how badly she wanted to give in. Turn around and hear him out. But she couldn’t. He lied, and it might’ve taken eight long years, but she finally believed she deserved better. She wasn’t a secret, or a toy for someone to throw away until he decided he wanted it back.
“I won’t hold my breath,” she muttered quietly and opened her trunk to toss in the suitcase.
She reversed her car slowly and didn’t look back. She couldn’t. It was time to only look forward.
But if she had, she would’ve seen Jangles sitting in the doorway of her RV, feet propped on the top step, elbows on his knees, and his head hanging. What she wouldn’t have been able to see were his tears falling silently as she drove away.
Chapter 26
Jangles heard the man approach but didn’t lift his head.
“You’re a dumb fuck.”
BF was not wrong, therefore he didn’t bother defending himself.
“Yep.”
“You gonna fix this?”
“Yep.”
“You got twenty-four hours. Then I’m hunting you down and you’ll find buckshot in your ass.”
“Think it’ll take more than twenty-four hours, BF.”
“Then you’re a bigger dumb fuck than the dumb fuck I already thought you were. You let this go on too long, you give her anymore time, she’ll be lost to all of us.”
His jaw clenched, not liking being called a dumb fuck multiple times, even if he was one. But more than not liking being called out, he knew the old man was right. He’d let his stupidity and fear ruin his relationship, and in the process, he’d hurt Hope.
“Only reason I haven’t shot you yet is I figure you know you’re a dumb fuck.”
“Let that shit slide ’til now, BF, but that’s enough,” he barked.
“Yeah, is it, Jangles? Is it enough that you crushed that girl? Is it enough that after I worked my ass off for eight years tryin’ to get her to a place where she could finally find some happy, and she finally found it with you, then it took you all of five fucking minutes to unravel it?”
“Enough!” Jangles roared. “I know what I fuckin’ did.”
“Look at me, boy.”
Jangles appreciated being called boy even less than he appreciated being called a dumb fuck but still he lifted his eyes. He flinched at what he saw.
“Yeah, you see it. You see an old, broken man in a chair. You think I don’t know what it’s like to lose? And I’m talking about more than just my legs. You think I don’t know what you’re feeling? I know a dumb fuck when I see one because I’m the king of dumb fucks. I’ve been in this chair thirty-eight years, but thirty-seven of those I’ve been living in hell. Not because I don’t got no legs. Fuck my legs. Fuck the chair. I’m in hell because I pushed away the finest woman I’ve ever known. A woman who loved me unconditionally. I made it so she had no choice but to walk away because I was busy feeling sorry for myself. Thinking I was doing her a favor by givin’ her a reason to leave so she could find a man who had legs. A man who wasn’t a fuckin’ cripple. Stupid fuck. Dumb fuck. She never found that man because she was too busy lovin’ me. Loved me until the day she died. Never found herself a man but I never went back. Just like Hope will die loving you, lost and lonely. And then you’ll be me, King Dumb Fuck.”
Jangles’ chest burned as he listened to BF.
“I know, Jangles. I. Know. Because Hope looks at you like my Norma looked at me. I know because just like Norma, all Hope wanted was a man to help her beat back her demons, love her, and let her be her. Be the be
auty she should’ve always been. She didn’t care you’d be rolling out of bed in the middle of the night, because she knew you’d come home to her. And just like my Norma, she wouldn’t care if you came home missin’ an arm or both your legs because she loves you. I don’t care why you did what you did. I don’t care what was in your head when you were doing it. I suspect your reasons for leaving were the same as mine. All I care about is that you fix what you broke and bring my girl home.”
“I’m not bringing her back here, BF.”
“Didn’t think you were stupid enough to do that, Jangles. Just bring her home and make her happy. It’d suck spending my last years on this earth in a five-by-five cell, but I’ll gladly do it if you don’t fix this.”
“Not a big fan of being threatened.”
“And I’m not a big fan of you fucking over my girl. Yet, here we are. And I think I’m being pretty fucking generous considering the state you left her in. It wasn’t you that listened to her cry. And something you should know, not a single tear was shed about her being kidnapped and whatever the hell happened after that. They were all for you. Every last one rolled down her pretty cheeks because of what you did.”
The burn turned into a raging fire of regret and misery. Jangles didn’t bother to fight the emotions. They were nothing less than what he deserved.
“I’ll fix it,” he bit out.
“Good.”
BF wheeled himself around and left, but Jangles remained where he was.
Then he pulled his phone out of his pocket, scrolled to the name he never thought he’d use again, and hit go.
“Jangles,” Tex greeted.
“I need your help.”
“Whatcha need?”
“I need you to track Hope Mitchell. She left Killeen about an hour ago. I believe she’s headed to El Paso. I need to know every place she stops and if she’s signed a lease.”
“You fucked it up.”
Hope's Delta (Special Forces: Operation Alpha) (Delta Team Three Book 5) Page 15