A Gay Polyester High School Romance

by S. W. Ballenger

  Brad chuckled. “It’s Bermuda, it’s hot.”

  I glanced at his hairy armpits. “I hope you used deodorant after you showered.” I wrinkled my nose as I pulled the covers back, knowing sometimes he’d forget.

  “I think I did.” He sniffed his left pit. “Yep. I did.” He nodded satisfactorily.

  I rolled my eyes. “Thank God for small miracles.”

  After turning off the nightstand lamp, I laid back and put my arms behind my head like Brad. The moonlight streamed through the glass patio door as the sound of the sea helped calm me.

  Several moments of silence passed before Brad spoke. “What do you think of Tara?”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, although I knew what he was fishing for.

  “Well, you know.” He shrugged. “Do you think she’s pretty?”

  “Of course.” I stared at the ceiling.

  A few more seconds of silence passed. I felt very on edge and wondered how I was ever going to get to sleep after the incident on the beach earlier in the day.

  “Would you date her?” He cut his eyes to me.

  “I don’t know.” I shrugged. “She would make a good girlfriend.”

  Obviously, the line of questioning just reaffirmed my foregone conclusion that Brad was jealous of any girl I was interested in or vice-versa.

  “Yeah.” He sighed, moving his eyes back to the ceiling. “I suppose.”

  A couple more minutes passed as I focused on the sound of the waves hitting the shore which were beginning to soothe my nerves. I couldn’t help but wonder what Brad was thinking about between his lines of questioning. I know the beach incident had to be fresh on his mind just like mine. How could it not be?

  “Shawn,” Brad paused, “today on the beach, when you were putting—”

  I immediately stopped him. “I don’t want to talk about it, Brad.”

  “But—” he started again.

  “Brad!” I yelled. “I don’t want to talk about it!”

  I immediately flipped over on my side where I wouldn’t have to look at him. I fluffed my pillow and laid my head down, trying once again to push the whole incident from my mind.

  “Sorry,” Brad said softly.

  “It’s okay,” I said evenly. “I’m just ready to go to sleep.”

  The room felt eerily silent; the tension far beyond that of usual things. I listened to Brad’s slow, even breaths. Staring at the bathroom door, I let out my own deep breath. I wanted to fall asleep, but I couldn’t relax. The image of Brad in his underwear kept popping into my head and no matter how hard I tried not to think about him, I couldn’t stop. Knowing he lay within inches of me made it almost impossible.

  I focused my attention on the ticks of the alarm clock sitting on the nightstand, watching as the lit second hand made its way around the numbers.

  After three rotations, my eyes began to close. Just then I felt movement on the opposite side of the bed as Brad shifted his position. A moment later, I felt a hand on my shoulder and my eyes popped open.

  I remained perfectly still and felt him beginning to rub my upper arm. Suddenly, he pressed against my back, spooning me, the heat from his body warming mine through my cotton pajamas, but I remained frozen.

  I watched as his hand slipped over my shoulder, before coming to rest on my chest. I wanted to move, my mind screamed at my body to move, but my body refused. God, his breath against my neck felt good. My mouth opened, ready to scream for him to get away from me, but my words wouldn’t come. I focused on his hand on my chest and felt an impulse shoot to my own hand. Lifting it, I slowly placed it on top of Brad’s hand and held his tight against my chest.

  “Shawn?” he whispered in my ear.

  “Don’t talk, Brad,” I said lowly, enjoying the comfort of him holding me.

  I felt him nod before I slowly drifted off to sleep.

  • • •

  My eyes opened to the bright Caribbean sun streaming through the windows. My mind began to replay the last few moments before I fell asleep the previous night and the warmth of Brad’s body pressed against mine. While I should have been repulsed, I wasn’t.

  I rolled over to face Brad before noticing him sitting at the foot of the bed, his head hung low. I pulled myself up and sat with my back against the headboard.

  “Are you okay?” I asked worriedly.

  “No. I’m not.” He refused to look at me and placed the palms of his hands over his eyes.

  “What’s wrong?” I tilted my head slightly. “Was it about last night?”

  He nodded his head and started to cry.

  Immediately, I thought he must be feeling guilty for making a move on me after all the times I had pushed him away. I didn’t want him to feel bad about last night, I mean, I could have stopped him, but I didn’t.

  “It’s okay, man. We’ll just pretend it never—” I started.

  “No!” He snapped his head toward me, his face full of pain and anger. “I don’t want to pretend!” he yelled.

  The tone startled me.

  “Don’t you understand?” He looked down and then straight into my eyes. “I love you, Shawn.”

  “You love me?” My eyes widened; unable to grasp the idea that Brad actually loved me in that way.

  “Don’t you get it? I…I…” He stood up. “You’re the only thing good in my life. You’re my only reason for getting up in the morning, when some days all I want to do is go to sleep and never wake up.” He began pacing. “My life is shit, Shawn! If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have anything. I’d never be able to go to places like this! I’ve been all around the world, thanks to you.” He threw up his hands and looked at me before rushing over to the wicker chair and grabbing his clothes. “These clothes! These are expensive clothes you’ve given me!” He shook them at me. “My family could never afford these.”

  “Brad,” I said gently.

  “Just listen, please.” He paused. “You’re handsome, you’re smart, you’re funny…you’re everything to me. You’re more than my best friend. I know I’ll never find anyone else like you, and the thought of having to give you up to some girl one day kills me.” He sat back down on the bed and sobbed.

  I sat stunned. In all these years I’d known Brad, I never dreamed he felt this way about me. He loved me. He actually loved me, not like a best friend and not like a brother. His love went beyond that. We’re talking the love that my mother and father had for one another. Could I actually love him in that way? I loved him, that was a given, but did my love cross the line into this kind of love? Could I love a boy the same way I could love a girl? Brad was handsome, talented, and witty, with a huge heart. Even his little quirks, like the way he’d always tapped the top of his soda can before opening it or the way he held his fork like a toddler when eating added to his charm.

  I pulled myself down to the bottom of the bed until I was beside him. I put my arm around him and patted his shoulder and said the words I felt in my heart.

  “I love you, too,” I said softly.

  Brad stopped crying and looked up at me, his tear-filled eyes wide, yet hopeful. “You love me, too?”

  “Yeah.” I nodded.

  “The same way I love you?”

  “I…I don’t know. I just know I couldn’t imagine my life without you in it, either.” My eyes filled with my own tears. “I’m so confused, I don’t understand these thoughts.”

  “What thoughts?” His eyes searched mine.

  “The…the…” I tried to say it but I didn’t want to. “God! Don’t make me say it.” I shook my head.

  “Please tell me,” he begged.

  I put my head down, placed my hands over my temples, and squeezed as if I were trying to dislodge the words that were stuck in my throat. Finally, my mouth opened and they did.

  “The thoughts of me and you being together.”

  “Oh.” I didn’t want to come right out and say the words, but I could tell from the look on his face that he knew exactly what I meant. He hesitated a
moment and put his hand on my knee, rubbing it up and down slowly. “There’s no one stopping us.”

  “It’s wrong, Brad!”

  “Why is it wrong?” He shook his head and rubbed my shoulder with his other hand. “We love each other.”

  “Because two guys don’t do this. What you’re wanting…it’s just…impossible.” I shook my head adamantly before finally looking up at him.

  “No one has to know but us.” He looked at me moon-eyed.

  I looked down at his hand on my knee feeling myself starting to waver. Brad was right; no one would have to know. It would be just between us. Would it be so wrong to go with what we’re feeling? I shifted my eyes to his bare chest. He looked so good. Why did my best friend have to be so gorgeous? I slowly started reaching my hand toward him.

  “Shawn?” The sound of my mother’s voice came from the other side of the door snapping me out of my trance. My eyes widened and I glanced at the door before looking back at Brad, who quickly removed his hand from my knee.

  I hesitated a moment. “Yeah, Mom?” I answered.

  “Your father and I are going into town for the day. I’ve left some money for food on the counter for you and Brad,” she said.

  I glanced at Brad who sat with his lips pressed together, obviously annoyed at the interruption.

  I looked back at the door. “Okay, Mom.”

  “See you later, honey,” her voice echoed back to us.

  “Later,” I returned before hearing her footsteps fade away. I refocused my attention on Brad, who sat with his arms crossed. I could tell he wasn’t happy that my mother had interrupted our moment, but I couldn’t help but feel relieved that she had unknowingly stopped me from doing something I knew I would later regret.

  “What are we going to do today?” I attempted to change the subject in hopes that he would accept the moment has passed.

  He tilted his head slightly. “What are you doing?”

  “What do you mean?” I shrugged my shoulders, playing innocent. “Are we going to the beach, maybe the boardwalk, I heard there’s—”

  “No,” he interrupted. “You’re trying to change the subject.”

  “What?” I continued my ruse, but from the irritated look on his face I knew he saw right through me. I let out a deep sigh. “Listen, Brad…I need time for this all to sink in. There are things I need to sort out.”

  “I thought you told me you loved me,” he started.

  “I do. It’s just I need time. It’s too much for me right now. I feel like my head is about to explode. Just please give me time,” I pleaded with him. “Loving you and doing things with you are two separate things.”

  “Seems pretty cut and dry to me,” he snapped. “You love someone, the rest seems pretty obvious.”

  “It’s not obvious!” I raised my voice. “You’ve had time to think about this. I didn’t come to this whole realization I liked guys until like a few weeks ago. Please don’t pressure me. I don’t need this right now.”

  Brad hesitated before nodding. “Okay. I’m sorry. I understand where you’re coming from.”

  “Thank you. Now, let’s go do something fun today. You choose.” I elbowed him playfully in the ribs trying to lighten the mood.

  He rubbed his chin for a moment before answering. “Beach?”

  “Sounds good to me,” I replied.

  “I need to shave. Do you have a razor I can borrow?” he asked, rubbing his hand across his chin.

  “Like you have any whiskers on that baby face of yours,” I teased, noting the few blond whiskers on his chin and his small mustache, “whereas, I actually need a razor.” I rubbed my right sideburn with my index finger.

  “Shut up.” He pursed his lips at me.

  “There’s one in my suitcase.” I pointed at the dresser that held my still unpacked blue Samsonite. “I’m going to get a shower.”

  “Getting a shower before going to the beach. That makes a lot of sense,” he remarked as he went over and flipped open my suitcase.

  “It’s called personal hygiene, something you obviously lack Mr. Four-Days-Without-A-Bath.”

  “Dude! It was three and I was depressed. You told me you never wanted to see me again,” he said, his back turned to me, rummaging through my belongings.

  I headed for the bathroom. “I know; you should have known I didn’t mean it. Someone’s got to keep you in line. Try the front pocket,” I suggested seeing as he was having trouble finding the razor.

  Just as I reached the door, Brad yelled, “What’s this?”

  I twisted around to see Brad holding the too-small red Speedo that Susan had pranked me with that night in New York. My face turned eleven shades of red. It occurred to me that Susan must have planted it as some sort of going away present or else she wanted to continue pranking me long after we departed.

  “Umm…” I didn’t know what to say.

  “Were you actually going to wear this?” He held it up and studied it. “It looks way too small to wear on the beach.” He laughed and indicated the front of my pajama bottoms. “Especially for you.”

  “No!” I yelled quickly. “Oh hell no, Susan must have put it in there as a joke.”

  “A joke?” He studied it like it’s some sort of foreign object he’d never seen before. “I can’t believe you wore this in front of her.”

  “It got me laid didn’t it?” I winked at him without thinking that Brad might be hurt from the fact that I had sex with a girl.

  Brad wrinkled his nose in disgust. “Don’t remind me.”

  “You really don’t like girls at all, do you?” I asked.

  Brad dropped the swimsuit to his side and looked upward. “I think girls make nice friends, but the thought of actually touching a girl?” He shook his head. “It’s disgusting.”

  “Wow! You really are gay, aren’t you?” Until then, it hadn’t occurred to me the depth of Brad’s homosexuality until he came right out and said that the thought of making out with a girl made him want to vomit.

  “Dude. There is no question in my mind.” He stared at me a moment, his face becoming serious. “Can I at least kiss you even if we don’t do anything else? I mean…we’ve kissed twice already.” He shrugged his shoulders.

  I thought about it for a moment. Kissing didn’t seem so bad for some reason. In a weird sort of way, it actually made me feel closer to him since he was respecting my wish to let me figure things out and not pressuring me to do more. It didn’t hurt in the fact that kissing Brad was quite exhilarating.

  “I suppose kissing is okay for now.” I nodded.

  He grinned like the cat that ate the canary and walked over until our faces were within inches of each other. I twinkled at him just before he leaned in and our lips touched for the third time in our lives. I felt him taking control of the kiss as he beckoned with his tongue for me to let him inside. Placing my hands on his shoulders, I tilted my head slightly and opened my mouth to let him in. My entire body tingled and I let out a slight moan. Having Brad inside me felt warm and exciting as our tongues wrestled. Placing my hands behind his neck, I pulled his head tighter against me. His hands moved up my arms and grabbed them, pulling them back down to his shoulders before grabbing my head and forcing me against him rather aggressively. I realized then that Brad wanted control. I felt myself getting a little hot under the collar before it hit me that I was getting more and more turned on from it. My mind began racing. Am I going to submit to Brad? I’m the one that likes girls. I should be controlling him. I’m the man. No! I screamed at myself. I will not submit to him like some girl!

  I lowered my hands to his chest and began pushing him away. Brad jerked back.

  His eyes were wide and confused. “Did I do something wrong?” He looked at me as if he were oblivious to what he was doing. I studied his eyes, confirming for myself he was absolutely clueless to his actions.

  “No. No…just, it was getting a little too much,” I said, not wanting to tell him the truth as I wiped my hand across my mouth.<
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  “Oh.” He frowned. “I understand. Too much in one day, huh?”

  “Yeah.” I forced a smile.

  Brad nodded.

  “Hey!” I changed the subject. “I want breakfast before we go to the beach. Let’s get dressed and go to the boardwalk first then come back here and change before swimming.”

  “Sounds good.”

  • • •

  A half-hour later, we were sitting at an outdoor table in front of a restaurant called Nassau Nacho sharing a huge plate of chips piled high with hamburger, cheese, tomatoes, jalapeño peppers, sour cream, and guacamole. I checked out Brad’s muscular arms which always looked so sexy in a tank top. I glanced over at the older couple sitting at a table near us, talking in German. Although I had been to Germany a couple of times, I didn’t know the language except that the word büstenhalter meant bra, which I just thought was fun to say.

  “Dumb name for a restaurant, isn’t it?” Brad said, glancing at the hand-painted sign above the counter and grabbing a chip covered in cheese.

  “Yeah, pretty dumb. But the nachos are good.” I sipped my Coke.

  “Good idea of yours to eat lunch instead of breakfast. Much better,” Brad said as the old couple laughed loudly.

  I glanced over to their very animated discussion and looked to Brad. “What are they talking about?”

  Brad stopped eating momentarily and perked up his ears. “Something about their daughter calling some grocery store manager a pig and the police getting called.” He shrugged before grabbing another chip. “I don’t know.” He laughed. “I’ve only had a semester of German.”

  “Well, they’re certainly loud.” I circled my chip in some cheese sauce on the platter.

  “Yeah,” Brad agreed.

  I glanced toward the beach and my eyes fell upon a shirtless male jogger getting in his mid-morning run. I noticed his very tanned, twenty-something-year-old body.

  “When did you know you were…like…different?” I asked, looking back to Brad.

  “Hmm…well…honestly, I really don’t know.” Brad casually licked his fingers. “I knew I’ve never been crazy about girls.” He paused and looked around to make sure no one could hear us before continuing. “Funny enough, it was that trip to Paris when we were twelve that I knew that I liked…well, you know.”