by T Gephart
No.
It wasn’t.
I could save him the time, and the effort, and tell him right now that there wasn’t a fix. Because I’d ran every fucking scenario in my head at least a dozen times and ended up with the same fucking result.
Assuming Tessa got over it—and that was a huge fucking if—she’d end up resenting me. There were going to be times where I would need to sack up and be a dad because that kid didn’t choose to be born, and I was going to have to put him or her first. How was that going to fly when you were trying to tell a woman she was the most important thing in your world?
Or even, if by some miracle, we tried to fucking work it out and Tessa and I stayed together. And she didn’t hate me for having a baby with someone else. How the fuck was I going to give her the support and love she fucking deserved? She wanted to be a detective, and already dealt with my weird hours, how could I ask her to accept even less of my time while I tried to work, be a half-way decent dad annnnnnd be a boyfriend to her? Even if she didn’t hate me, I’d hate myself, knowing I was shortchanging her and stopping her from having better. And fuck did it kill me to even consider the possibility of her being with someone else. But if I loved her like I said I did, then I had to do what was right for her too.
And then there was May.
She also deserved better. And while I was not ready to fucking drop to a knee and marry her just because we were going to be sharing DNA, she needed to be able to count on me. I would not be one of those assholes who didn’t own his responsibilities.
“As hard as it is to say, Leighton, I can’t be with her.” It was the first time I’d admitted it out loud. Hating the way the words felt in my mouth even though I knew they were the right ones. “It’s not fair to her, and I won’t put her through that. I’d be selfish to even ask, and she deserves better. I fucking love her enough to see that being with me will only hold her back. And I’d rather her hate me now than later when I’ve completely fucked up her life.”
“Tibbs, don’t you think she should get a say?” Leighton offered, clinging to hope like I was to my sobriety.
“No, because for once in my life I’m going to do the right thing and put someone else first.”
And even if she couldn’t see it—or maybe would never even know—I loved her that much.
Enough to break my own heart worse than I could ever break hers.
Tessa
I DIDN’T REMEMBER driving back to Brooklyn, sitting outside my apartment in my still-running car wondering how the hell I’d gotten there. It probably wasn’t a good thing either, knowing I was taking chances I’d usually yell at someone else for, and switching off my ignition as I wiped my eyes.
Crying wasn’t something I did often. Not because I thought it showed weakness or anything like that, but because I’d usually kept my eyes firmly fixed on the future. You couldn’t change the past, so why live in real estate you didn’t want to pay rent for? But every once in a while—whenever I’d wonder if I’d lost the capacity—something or someone would make me cry.
Justin Tibbs was the latest in a very short list.
Intellectually I knew he hadn’t intentionally gotten someone else pregnant, and it had happened way before we’d even started dating. But the thought of him fathering a baby with someone else—sharing that special moment with someone else—just broke my heart into so many pieces I wasn’t sure it would ever be put back together.
I’d wanted it to be me.
Not right now. Hell, we hadn’t even moved in together yet. But I’d hoped—sometime in the future—that there might be a little person that was part me and part him. And it was stupid irony that I’d never ever considered having a baby until I’d met him.
He was going to make an amazing father, the thought making me cry even harder because I felt like it was so unfair. And I knew I was being unfair too, my feelings so scattered and fractured that I didn’t even want to consider what he was going through.
I hated him.
I hated her.
And I hated myself.
Everything felt like it was too much as I sucked in desperate breaths while I continued to sob.
We’d been in such a good place.
And just like that . . . it was gone.
Forcing myself to get out of the car, I made my way back to my apartment. The last thing I needed was for one of my neighbors coming to investigate, or worse, calling the cops. Because that would be a fun conversation to have with people who knew my boss. I could already imagine the station gossip.
Fuck!
It was already going to be bad, almost everyone knowing Tibbs and I were together. And that was why you shouldn’t date anyone you might see or have to deal with at work.
I was such a fucking idiot.
When I was in the safety of my apartment, I crumbled to the floor. I knew crying wasn’t going to solve anything, but I couldn’t do much else, grabbing my phone and dialing the one man—other than my father—who would never hurt me.
Grayson Miller.
“Ricci, what’s happening? I know you can’t do much to hurry along your recovery, but I’m kinda lonely without you so I’m really glad you called.”
I could hear the smile in his voice, could picture his amazingly kind eyes, and it just made me cry harder.
“Grayson,” his name torn out between sobs, “I need you.”
Miller hadn’t asked questions.
Just got in his car and drove the couple of blocks to my apartment, letting himself in with a spare key I kept at his house, and picked me up off the floor. He didn’t even ask why I was there, just scooped me up, carried me to my bedroom, and laid me on the bed.
Then he held me. Letting me wet the front of his T-shirt with tears that didn’t seem to stop, stroking my hair in such a calming way that I eventually closed my eyes.
It was only after I woke up still hugging him that I realized I’d fallen asleep.
“Miller?” I croaked out, my throat feeling dry and scratchy.
He stirred, also having fallen asleep and opened his eyes. “Hey Ricci.” His hand rubbed against my shoulder as he gave me a sad smile. “You need me to get you some water?”
I nodded, watching as he threw his legs over the bed and padded out to my kitchen. He’d taken off his shoes, mine also having been removed, and I couldn’t remember if he’d done it for me or if I’d been responsible. Everything felt like a blur, like it had been a week since I’d left Justin’s apartment, when I knew it had only been hours.
Miller returned with a tumbler of ice water, sitting on the edge of the bed as I swallowed it down. I knew I had a lot of explaining to do, comforted by the fact that Miller would never rush me. It’s why our friendship had always worked, both of us innately knowing what each other needed. And I couldn’t have asked for a better best friend and partner if I tried.
“Tibbs and I—” I started, stalling out just from saying his name.
Miller shook his head. “He called me while you were asleep. He was worried you didn’t make it home and wanted me to check on you. Then he told me the whole thing. You don’t have to say anything, Tessa, unless you want to.”
I breathed out a sigh of relief, thankful I was saved from recounting it. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”
“Then we won’t.” Miller shrugged. “What we are going to do is get you hydrated and get some dinner. I haven’t eaten yet and I’m guessing you haven’t either.”
I shook my head, unable to remember the last time I ate something. Breakfast? I didn’t have lunch, too busy trying to track down a missing Tibbs when he hadn’t been missing at all. “Yeah, okay. But can you order in, I’m not up to going out.”
He tapped my leg, giving me a small smile. “Ricci, we can absolutely order in. I’m thinking pizza because carbs cure everything.”
I nodded in agreement. “Carbs are definitely our friend. Order a large.”
While Miller organized dinner, I went to the bathroom and took a show
er. It felt good to just wash everything away, feeling better after I dried off and slipped on my pajamas. And by the time I’d walked back into the living room, the pizza had arrived, both of us sitting on my couch and eating straight from the box.
“So, when’s your next assessment?” Miller asked, avoiding the topic of me and Tibbs entirely. “I wasn’t kidding when I said I was lonely. They’ve got me partnered up with Davis, and while I think the guy is okay, he’s no Tessa Ricci.”
It was good to feel missed. The concern about being away so long that I’d somehow be replaced, something I’d actually considered. “Next week. Other than having a headache now—which I’m positive is from all the crying—I’ve been good the last few days. I know they’re just being cautious, but the sooner I can get back to active duty, the better.” Especially now.
“Good, well fingers crossed the doc says you can come back.” He took another bite. “Are you okay if I spend the night? I don’t feel like driving all the way back.”
“Grayson, all the way back? You live like five miles away.” I laughed, the idea that he couldn’t drive home, ridiculous. “If you’re worried about me, you don’t need to be. I’m fine now. I’ve gotten it out of my system.”
Miller dropped the slice he was eating and shook his head. “Look, I wasn’t going to bring it up because you said you didn’t want to talk about it, and I can respect that. But Tessa, you didn’t see yourself when I walked in. In all the years we’ve known each other, I have never seen you that devastated.”
“It was just a shock, okay,” I protested, knowing I had been a mess, but I was since doing better. “I hadn’t been expecting to find out my boyfriend had fathered someone else’s baby. But I’ve accepted it now. I mean, it’s not like a have a lot of choice. And really, it doesn’t have anything to do with me, does it?”
“What does that mean?” Miller asked.
My brows furrowed, confused by the question. “What do you mean, what does it mean? Two people are having a child, and I’m not one of them. What I want, doesn’t matter.”
“So you and Tibbs broke up?”
I laughed, and then stopped, because honestly, I didn’t know. Had we broken up? I’d been pretty mad when I stormed out, so I had no idea where it had all been left. I guess I assumed we did, or that I did, or at least, that it was what I wanted. But I hated to admit, I was no longer sure.
If we had broken up.
And if that was what I wanted.
“I think . . . I guess I don’t really know.” I shrugged, shaking my head.
What the hell was wrong with me? He was going to have a baby with his ex-girlfriend. Where would I even fit in that equation? They’d be a team—because hello, baby—and I’d be the third wheel. Who knows, maybe they’d get married and be a family, and I’d be the home wrecker, standing in the way.
“He’s going to be a really good dad, you know.” I sighed, feeling my chest get tight. “And he’s going to want to do the right thing.”
Miller reached out and grabbed my hand. “But what do you want? And don’t tell me it doesn’t matter. Because I don’t give a fuck about Tibbs or his ex-girlfriend.”
My lip trembled, but I promised myself I was done crying. “I love him, Miller. I wish I didn’t, and I just can’t turn it off. But I also know that right now, I hate the thoughts in my own head. I can’t be happy for him. I can’t be happy for her. And I can’t be happy for this innocent life they created that has done nothing to me other than ruin my life by its very existence. Did you hear what I just said? I am blaming a baby, for ruining my life. What kind of monster thinks those things?” I shook my head, hearing myself and being disgusted. “Am I a terrible person, Grayson? Because right now, I feel like one.”
Miller slung his arm around me and brought me in for a hug. “Tessa, you aren’t even close to being a terrible person. All those feelings are valid. And yeah, I even understand hating the baby, however irrational it is. Not only do I not judge you, but I can’t say my reaction would be any different. Do you not remember how crazy I was when I found out Maxine was cheating?” He reared back, pulling his mouth into a grimace. “You got a long way to go before you hit the big leagues, sister.”
I snuggled in closer, so thankful he was with me. “Hey, Miller.”
“Yeah, Ricci.”
“Maybe you should spend the night. I don’t really want to be alone.”
It was a big step for me to admit it, but I needed his comfort and support.
He chuckled, rubbing my arm gently. “I wasn’t planning on going anywhere.”
Justin
MILLER HAD ASSURED me Tessa was home and safe, but I still fought the urge to go see for myself. I should never have let her get into a car, cursing myself for not taking her keys and calling her a fucking cab. If something had happened to her, or if she—I couldn’t even finish the thought, swallowing hard and glad she’d called Miller when she’d gotten home.
I’d barely been able to sleep, constantly checking my phone for a message from her that didn’t come. And it was totally wrong to even want it. Because what the hell was I going to say back? That I loved her and that I wanted her? None of that would be helpful and only prolonged what I promised myself I’d do.
End it.
It was the only way.
And maybe it was already over, saving me from having to be a bigger asshole than I already was. It wasn’t even funny how much I toggled between wishing for it—because I was a coward and couldn’t be trusted to pull the pin—and praying she wasn’t done yet.
Fuck, I’d really made a mess. Finally met a girl I couldn’t live without and was going to have to say goodbye.
Poetic justice.
Guess that was what I got for believing love was for suckers and relationships weren’t my thing. They really showed me.
As maxed out as I felt on disappointing people, I decided to go and see my parents. They were going to be grandparents and had a right to know. And honestly, I needed someone else to yell at me awhile and drown out the voices in my head.
They were predictably stunned, both Mom and Dad sitting silently at the kitchen table as they heard the news. No yelling—which was a disappointment—and finally asking a few questions once the initial shock had worn off.
“I’m glad you are doing the right thing, Son,” my dad breathed out. “I know it’s not going to be easy, but you’re not a kid anymore, either. And we raised you to take responsibility for your actions.”
“I know, and I’m going to do everything I can to be a decent dad. I know I’ve got a long way to go before I’m close to your level, but I don’t want my son or daughter thinking they weren’t wanted.” It was hard to look at a man I’d idolized and admit I’d fallen short. But between him and the chief, I’d had some pretty fucking awesome role models and the benchmark was set high. So I was going to do everything I could not to screw it up.
My dad slapped me on the shoulder, his heavy hand giving me a squeeze. “You’re a good man, Justin. Don’t doubt that. You don’t have to try to be on some level, just be yourself. That is more than good enough.”
Trust my dad to say something nice and make me feel even worse. So much for getting yelled at. And to think you used to be able to count on your parents for that.
“Where does Tessa fit into all of this?” my mom asked, giving me a look that was beyond serious. “Have you told her?”
I rubbed the back of my neck, knowing she’d be curious. My mom loved Tessa, and I think secretly harbored fantasies that I’d be next down the aisle after Presley. So it was unsurprising that she was asking.
“She knows, but we broke up, and it’s for the best. It would be unfair to Tessa to ask her to be a part of this, and I want her to be happy.” The words felt bitter in my mouth and I wasn’t sure I believed them, but I said them anyway. Because as much as I wanted them to be bullshit, every single one of them was true.
“Oh, okay.” My mom knotted her hands in her lap, and I knew she had m
ore to say. But she didn’t say it, the acknowledgement feeling more like an accusation.
“I know you both loved Tessa.” I decided it was easier just to get it over with. “But not even close to how much I do. And that’s why I’m doing this. This will kill her, and I won’t have it. May and the baby need me right now, and like Dad said, I’m doing the right thing.”
“You’re not going to marry May, are you?” My mother looked panicked. “Because, Justin, that is an antiquated tradition, and marrying someone you aren’t in love with is a very bad idea.”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. The thought had crossed my mind at some point in the early morning, and it wasn’t like I was going to be marrying anyone else. The only woman I’d ever wanted to marry was Tessa, and that was no longer on the table. “I’m not rushing into anything, but who knows what will happen in the future. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. I’m going to be there for both of them, with or without the ring.”
“You want to do right by May, you be honest with her,” my dad warned. “It would be easy to pretend and make promises right now, but all that is going to do is hurt her in the long run.”
“I know, I know.” I shook my head, the pressure of trying to keep everyone’s feelings straight making me feel like I was drowning. “Trust me, the last thing I’m going to do is lead her on.”
My mom stood, walking around and giving me a hug. “We know, Justin. And we want you to know how much we love and support you. Dad and I will do everything we can to help you in any way. We’re proud of you, baby. And when you’re both ready, we’d like to meet May too.”
Hearing they were proud was hard, mostly because I felt so undeserving. But that’s what you got when you had awesome parents. Even when you fucked up, they loved you unconditionally.
“Well, I’m going to head back to Midtown. I promised Leighton I’d tell Presley. He is incapable of keeping a secret from her, so I should go see them.” I got to my feet, grabbing my keys. “And thanks for being so cool about all of this.”