by T Gephart
“Awww, baby, you don’t ever have to thank us,” my mother cooed. “Make sure you keep us updated.”
Saying goodbye to both of them, I headed back over the bridge. I really wasn’t in the mood to see either Presley or Leighton, deciding to go home first. What did it matter if I waited another hour or two? And to be honest, if I didn’t take a minute just for myself, it was possible my head was going to explode from the pressure.
It was déjà vu when I got back to my apartment.
Tessa leaning against her Toyota, waiting for me in the parking lot.
I had to fight the urge not to run and kiss her, just seeing her simultaneously the best and worst thing ever.
It was never going to get easier.
For as long as I lived, I was never going to be able to look at her and not love her.
Cursing under my breath, I got out of my car. If she’d come to yell at me—or hell, even hit me—then I was going to give her that chance.
“Hey.” It was all I allowed myself to say, knowing if I said anything else it wouldn’t be good for either of us.
“Hey,” she responded, folding her arms across her chest.
Her body told me everything I needed to know. She was wounded, her arms wrapped around her chest, protecting her from a hurt I’d put there. And knowing how strong she was—both inside and out—it cut me in ways I doubted I’d ever be able to recover from.
“I know I’m the last person you want to hear this from, but I really wish you wouldn’t drive.” I looked at the car, my private hell from the night before being re-lived all over again. “I’d have come to you if you wanted to talk.”
“Miller drove. He’s taking a walk.” Her admission making me breathe a sigh of relief. “And I wasn’t sure if you’d come, so I figured it was just easier if I did.”
There was so much in that, I didn’t even know where to start. She could ask almost anything, and I’d fucking do it, traveling to Brooklyn, the least of it. But I had to remind myself making that confession wouldn’t be helping anyone, so I kept my mouth shut and I nodded for her to continue.
“Justin—” she stopped, swallowing hard before going on, “I just wanted to say that I think you’re going to make a great dad. This baby is lucky to have you.”
Every single word cut me, the underlying pain in her voice, even worse. She was trying to be the bigger person, and I hated that she felt she needed to.
“Tessa, you don’t have to do this.” Please don’t do this. “You are absolutely entitled to be angry and hurt. No one expects you—”
“Well thanks for the permission, Tibbs, but I’m not here for that.” She cut me off, a new wave of hurt flashing through her eyes. “And I don’t care what anyone expects.” She swore under her breath, moving her lips silently like she was having a separate conversation with herself. “Anyway, that’s why I came.” Her tone had artificially brightened, and I hated it. “Because I couldn’t say it yesterday, and it needed to be said.”
I wasn’t sure it was needed, but I wasn’t going to argue with her. “Thanks, was there anything else?”
It was a landmine, and so fucking stupid I already regretted it. Because what I wanted to hear was not what I needed her to say, the tug-of-war in my head and my heart so fucking brutal I wish she’d just fucking hit me.
“Yeah, that’s it.” She balled her hands at her sides, trying to manage a fake smile. “Well, I should let you go.”
And wasn’t that the statement of the century. Because that’s exactly what I was doing, letting her go. “Okay, and thanks again,” I mumbled awkwardly, shoving my hands in my pockets. “I’ll let you go find Miller.”
Even though it needed to be said, I couldn’t do another goodbye. Instead, deciding to carry through with the theme and be an asshole as I turned and walked away.
“Bye, Tibbs.”
I stopped, hearing her call out to me, but I didn’t turn around.
I couldn’t.
There was some shit I just wasn’t capable of, and that was at the top of the list.
And without looking back, I took a deep breath.
“See ya, Ricci.”
Justin
IT HAD BEEN four weeks since I’d last seen Tessa, only hearing about her returning to duty from North. I was positive he was looking for a reaction, mentioning it casually after we’d gotten back from a call out. I wasn’t sure if I’d passed the test, doing my best to look impassive when he said her name, and wishing I could call her to see how she was doing.
There’d been zero communication between us.
No text messages, no calls, not even a fucking like on her social media. It was like we didn’t even know each other—our earlier friendship dissolving as well. And I guess it was for the best.
I’d told myself I would be cool running into her, assuming now she was back, I might see her in the field like before. But honestly, I was glad I hadn’t, thanking my lucky stars it always seemed to be someone else from the NYPD who showed up.
Not sure if that was by fate or design, and really it didn’t fucking matter.
“Hey, you want to grab some breakfast?” Leighton offered, doing his best to pull me from my funk. “Presley got in late last night, so I’m going to let her sleep. I’ve got a couple of hours to kill.”
“Nah, May has a doctor’s appointment. They’re going to do another scan and hopefully we get to see if it’s a boy or a girl. The baby was uncooperative last time.” I tried to smile but wasn’t really feeling it, fatigue weighing me down.
“Imagine a kid of yours being uncooperative,” Leighton laughed. “Guess some genetics you just can’t outrun.”
He was right, and it wasn’t like I needed any more proof. But since the paternity test had already proclaimed me the daddy, I guess it was fitting that the kid already started displaying Tibbs-like traits.
“All right, well, make sure you let us know when you find out, Presley and I are excited for you.” He slapped me on the back and closed his locker. “And if there’s anything you need, make sure you ask.”
I had to hand it to the guy, he was really trying.
Presley had flown completely off the handle when she’d found out. Not about the baby of course. She was weirdly excited about being an aunt again, already filling that role a couple of times over on Leighton’s side. But she made it crystal fucking clear that she thought I was a stupid moron for letting Tessa go. And I couldn’t even argue with her, knowing she was right. But being right and doing right were two very different things, so even though I had to endure the stink eye from my sister, nothing was changing.
“Thanks, brother, we’re all good. I’ll call you when I know.” I grabbed my backpack and headed out the door.
May lived in a small apartment in the Village with her sister, and usually I’d have offered to pick her up. But since our appointment was in Midtown and I was getting off work, she’d insisted we meet there, saving me from doubling back.
She was already waiting for me in the coffee shop when I arrived, sipping her herbal tea. She smiled as I got closer to the table, pushing a cup toward me. “Double espresso, and I got you a breakfast wrap as well.”
“Thanks, May, you’re the best.” I took off my backpack and joined her at the table. “How are you feeling?”
Things were surprisingly great between us. She hadn’t fought my decision to be in her and the baby’s life, and actively welcomed my involvement. But despite me offering my spare bedroom to her at least a dozen times, she kept turning me down. I’d assumed she’d have jumped at the chance, considering we’d agreed to raise the baby together, it made sense to live in the same place. Not to mention saving her a buttload in rent, and access to my car whenever she needed it, but she insisted she wanted to keep living with her sister.
“How was work? You look tired.” She lowered her cup and gave me her full attention. “You know I could’ve gone to the appointment on my own if you needed to sleep. I could’ve FaceTime’d you for the big reve
al.”
I shook my head, not willing to miss any more than I already had. It was bad enough she’d gone the first twelve weeks without me by her side, moving forward I was going to be there each and every time. “I want to be there, May. It’s important to me. And work was a little crazy, but I can sleep when I get back.”
Ironically—even though we’d obviously had sex and our DNA had mingled—our relationship wasn’t even close to romantic. There were no accidental kisses or inappropriate touches, with it feeling so fucking platonic I was confused how we’d gotten together in the first place.
But whether it made sense or not, we’d settled into an easy existence. And out of all the casual relationships I’d had, I was glad that if I’d had to accidentally knock someone up, it had been her.
She reached across giving my hand a little squeeze before returning to her tea. We drank, sitting in a comfortable silence together before heading to our appointment.
May gave her name to the receptionist, both of us taking a seat as we waited our turn. There were other couples throughout the room, varying stages of bumps on display as were the diverse looks on their faces.
Before I could try and stop it, my mind took a little detour, wondering what Tessa would look like pregnant. It wasn’t hard to imagine, the idea of her with a swollen belly making heat crawl up my neck.
Not fucking helpful, Tibbs, I reminded myself, shaking loose the mental picture and trying to not feel like a fucking prick for thinking it in the first place.
I’d been so involved in trying to scrub all thoughts of Tessa from my brain, I almost missed it when we’d been called. May had needed to give my hand a jerk, prompting me out of my chair before we walked toward the exam room.
“Okay, let’s see if baby will let us take a peek.” The woman with the ultrasound wand grinned as May laid on the table. “We didn’t have any luck last time.”
I chuckled, holding May’s hand as the gel was squeezed onto her belly. “That’s probably my fault. I’ve been known to be stubborn.”
The swishing noises of the ultrasound filled the room, and then came the steady rhythm of the heartbeat. Boy or girl, our baby was strong, my fingers gripping May’s a little tighter as we listened.
Then there he or she was. A perfectly formed little human moving in her belly with little legs, feet and hands, as clear as day on the monitor. It was nothing like the photos, the sight of the little person making me choke up.
“Well, we are definitely having better luck this time. Either of you want to take a guess?” She looked at us excitedly, pausing on a frame.
“Is that a . . .” May squinted, looking at the screen.
“A penis,” I finished. “We’re having a boy.”
“Yep, definitely a boy.” The ultrasound tech nodded. “Let me print some pictures off for you. Everything else looks great. No concerns at all.”
The pictures were printed and handed to me as May wiped off the gel. It wasn’t until we were walking outside that the full realization hit me that I was going to have a son.
“Holy shit,” I grabbed May, hugging her before planting a kiss on her lips. “We’re having a boy.”
But as awesome as that moment felt, the kiss was all wrong, both of us pulling away from each other in a hurry.
“Sorry, got caught up in the moment.” I tried to smile.
May reached for my hand and threaded it with hers. “You don’t have to be sorry. Honestly, I’d been wondering, and the kiss pretty much confirmed it.”
“Nothing, huh?” I chuckled, unbelievably relieved it hadn’t been just me.
She shook her head as she laughed. “Nope. So weird. I still think you’re hot though.”
“Jesus, May, don’t do me any favors.” I shook my head, suddenly feeling a little lighter. “Well, I guess we know now.”
“Yeah, we do.” She grabbed my hand as we walked back to my car. “But just because there’s no attraction, doesn’t mean I’m not happy that this is your baby. You’re going to make a great dad, Justin.”
I’d heard those exact words before, except she hadn’t been the one to say them. That day, in the parking lot—one of the hardest of my life. And I guess it was written on my face, May looking at me concerned. “What is it? What did I say?”
“Nothing, May, honestly it’s not you. Just that . . .” I debated being honest, wondering what made me a bigger prick. To lie, or tell her about Tessa. “Someone else said a similar thing to me a while ago, and I wasn’t sure whether or not to believe them.”
It was a compromise, but considering how amazing things were with me and May, I didn’t want to screw it up. Instead I helped her into my Impala before getting into the driver’s seat beside her.
Her hand reached out, stopping me from hitting the ignition. “You can say her name, Justin. I know you loved her.”
Just talking about Tessa made it harder to breathe, the pressure in my chest returning. But it had been weeks, and it was for the best, and I had to get my head in the game and not screw it up for everyone else involved.
“It doesn’t matter, and I don’t want to hurt you by bringing up the past.”
“Justin,” May laughed, “you aren’t hurting me. You’ve been nothing but great throughout this whole thing. You’ve gone above and beyond, and I count myself lucky to have you. But I know you’re not in love with me. That you were never in love with me. And it’s okay, because I wasn’t in love with you either.”
It wasn’t earth-shattering news to hear she hadn’t loved me, or that she knew I hadn’t loved her, but I felt guilty all the same. Because surely no woman wanted to hear about the one you did love, even I knew that.
“Look, it doesn’t matter. We didn’t and don’t love each other, that’s fine. I’m good with it, May. I’m still going to be there for you and the baby, and that’s what is important.”
“Wait a minute.” She held up her hand, turning in her seat to face me. “The other girl, the one you were in love with. Did she break up with you, or did you break up with her?”
I shrugged, positive I was entering dangerous territory and wishing I’d paid more attention to tempering my reaction. Fuck me, couldn’t I just be normal for a change. Tessa was gone, why the hell did I have to keep thinking about her? “What difference does it make? We’re not together. And honestly, I don’t think we should be talking about this.”
My hand moved to the ignition, but May pulled it back. “Why can’t we talk about it? If you’re worried about sparing my feelings, it’s incredibly sweet but unnecessary. I’m not jealous over something I never had with you. And the circumstances of your breakup matters a lot, actually.”
I heaved out a heavy breath, feeling so incredibly tired that I wasn’t sure I had the energy to even pretend anymore. “You really want to talk about this?” I asked, giving her a chance to call timeout and we could go on our merry way. “Because you don’t have to. I’m fine with the way things are.”
May shook her head, a humorless laugh making its way up her throat. “You are not fine, Justin. You’re miserable. And I can see it. Now, answer my question. Why are you not with her?”
What the hell could I say to that?
Because the truth was brutal and whether she thought she could handle it or not, I wasn’t going to risk inflicting it. “We just decided—”
“Decided?” She interrupted me with a laugh. “You had a discussion and thought it was better to leave someone you obviously still care about? Was it her? Was it because of me? There has to be a reason. You don’t just turn your back on someone you love.”
It was too much.
The strain of it all wearing me down while I felt pulled in a million directions. Why couldn’t everyone see I was fucking trying to do the right thing? Why the hell did it feel like I was forced to live in a perpetual state of purgatory with no chance of parole?
“Tessa,” I hissed out her name on a breath, probably a little harsher than I’d intended. “Tessa,” I said it again, the
heat rising up my neck as my tone hardened and got louder. “And yes, I loved her, and yes, I still love her. But I’m here with you.”
May sat in silence, my little outburst probably taking her by surprise considering I hadn’t so much as raised my voice in her presence. But it was just too much, and I needed a fucking break, and fuck me, I was so fucking tired.
“I’m sorry.” I shook my head, squeezing the bridge of my nose. “I just need to get some sleep. I didn’t mean to lash out at you. It’s just . . . it’s not easy talking about her.”
“It was you, wasn’t it?” she said quietly. “You thought that in order to be a father to our baby, you had to let her go.”
Bingo.
And why the hell were all the women in my life so fucking smart? Couldn’t someone just pretend to know less than me? That would be a big help, thanks.
“May, this isn’t your fault,” I started to explain, not wanting her to think she was responsible.
“You’re damn right it’s not my fault,” she scoffed, not letting me finish. “I’m not the one who blew up your life, Justin. Lots of people raise kids together but not together. And those kids thrive. What did you think was going to happen? We’d magically become a couple just because we’re having a baby? Because I don’t want to be with a man I’m not in love with and doesn’t love me. So what? We don’t date anyone else for as long as we live? That’s the stupidest thing ever.”
I was ready to argue, and then stopped, shutting my mouth because, well, she was sorta right. It was clear that May and I were never going to be a couple. And as unrealistic as it was that neither of us had a relationship with anyone else, I guess I hadn’t given it much thought.
“What?” She smiled. “Trying to tell me I’m wrong, but realizing that I’m not? Well, well, today has given us more reason to celebrate than just finding out we’re having a boy.”
I laughed, because once again, she was right. “Okay, wiseass, give me a break here. But even if I admit you have a valid argument, there’s still the big problem that being with someone is a two-person deal. She didn’t exactly say she wanted to be with me either.”