The Grayson Trilogy

by Georgia Rose

  He filled them in. “…And with you...is that what you were about to say?”

  “Yes,” I replied, my throat tightening, “and I need to let it go.” I paused as I took a breath and steadied myself. “I’m more concerned about your possessiveness, the fact that you feel you have to involve yourself in a situation that has nothing to do with you. You’ve brought yourself to his attention in a way that wasn’t necessary, and you shouldn’t have done that. I don’t want there to be ongoing trouble between you.”

  “You may think he’s tough, but he’s no threat to me.”

  “This is exactly what I’m talking about – why do you feel so aggressively towards him?”

  “I feel the way I do because of what he did to you, and I don’t understand why you don’t feel like that.”

  I thought carefully before answering, hoping to get my point across. “I don’t feel that way any more, Trent, because he was the man I once loved so much that I chose him to have a child with. I don’t love him any more, but neither do I hate him in the way I did. Time has healed the heartache he caused me.”

  “You think it’s time that’s ‘healed’ you, do you? You don’t think it’s possible that it’s me that’s helped, the way we feel for each other that’s enabled you to move on?”

  I hadn’t thought of it like that, and I pondered on this, though was unable to address it, knowing it would weaken my argument for leaving, if I ever got to that, so I went on as if it hadn’t been raised.

  “I just want him to go his own way and have a chance to be happy again.”

  Trent was silent, staring at me. Then his voice rose accusingly. “Has he wormed his way back into your affections? Is that it? Tried to get into your good books by telling you about me threatening him?”

  Unbelievable. I exhaled loudly in exasperation. I was getting nowhere and was struggling not to yell at him. Somehow I managed to respond and still sound fairly reasonable.

  “Of course he hasn’t...I only realised today that I don’t have all those negative feelings towards him any more – whatever the reason.” Frustrated at my apparent inability to get through to him I turned away to walk back to my pickup. I felt tears welling, ridiculously saddened by the argument I’d instigated but now didn’t have the energy to prolong or see through to the bitter end I’d planned. One issue at a time, I thought. He caught up with me, placing a hand on my upper arm as if to stop me, but I shook it off.

  “Em, don’t walk away. I’ll come back with you...”

  “Don’t,” I said, without stopping or looking at him, “and don’t come round this evening. I need some time...and I suggest you take that time as well.”

  “Em, I’ve only got this evening to be with you. I’m then with Cavendish overnight.”

  I climbed into the pickup.

  “Then maybe I’ll see you tomorrow,” and I drove off.

  Back at the stables, I let Susie out before making a fuss of her while I had a cup of tea. She jumped up on to my lap as I sat at the kitchen table, and every time I stopped caressing her scruffy little ears, her favourite stroking spot, she nudged her head up under my hand to encourage me to go on. I felt twitchy, doubts gnawing at my stomach; I didn’t like being at odds with Trent. As always, Susie eased me. She was the one constant in my life, and had been endlessly patient and tolerant of me when I must have been a difficult person to be around. Susie held my darkest thoughts and fears without reproach, and I was pleased I’d been able to repay her faithfulness by bringing her here where it was safe for her to wander around and have so much freedom. Though that could now be changing, I thought sadly.

  It was time to get the horses in, so we both walked out to the paddock. Monty had already had enough and was waiting by the gate, so I brought him in first, gave him a quick brush over and put him in his stable. I went back to get each of the others in, and when I’d finished I headed back to the cottage and went straight to the fridge. Taking out a bottle of white wine, I was reaching for a glass when I saw Greene crossing the yard. I made it two glasses, and intercepted her as she came up the garden path.

  “Join me?” I asked, lifting the glasses so she could see what I was referring to.

  “Like that, is it?” Greene took a seat at the garden table and slid her sunglasses up so they sat on top of her head. I poured out the wine and we sat for a few minutes in silence, enjoying our peaceful surroundings on this warm summer evening. Greene was that sort of friend. I knew that, like me, she’d come here for a new start, also having come out of a long-term relationship, and although we’d agreed not to dwell on our pasts, I felt her to be a kindred spirit. She took a large sip then, putting her glass down, looked over at me and I wondered what was coming.

  “Have you two had a row?”

  “Yes...well, sort of...how do you know?”

  “Carlton thought as much.”

  “Did he hear us then?” Should’ve gone further into the woods, I thought.

  “No, he guessed. He said Trent was off all day, and then you arrived looking frosty and walked off with him. When Trent returned he was pretty pissed off. Do you want to talk about it?”

  I took a large gulp of my wine. “It’s a long story.”

  “Don’t tell me if you’d rather not.”

  “No...I think it’s about time I did.” I took a deep breath and told her everything, even about Eva. I hadn’t been able to bring myself to speak of this most private part of my life before, but we were now good friends. I trusted her, and I knew she’d keep it between herself and Carlton.

  When I’d finished she didn’t speak for a few moments, but reached out and placed her hand over mine, squeezing it gently.

  “Bloody hell, Grayson, I wasn’t expecting that. Never having had a child I can’t imagine everything you’ve been through...though I always knew there was something. I could sense it, but never realised quite how terrible it would be...” She shook her head, then swallowed the last of her wine. She didn’t dwell on the past as I knew she wouldn’t and moved on. “So...what’re you going to do about Trent now?”

  I didn’t want to reveal the depth of my fears to her, so I decided not to fill her in on my possible plan to leave. I didn’t want someone else’s opinion muddying the waters of my indecision.

  “I told him not to come round tonight. We both need time to cool off and think this through. But he needs to know that he has to tone down the possessiveness a notch or two. I can’t have him going off after people, threatening them.”

  “No, that is a bit extreme,” Greene agreed as I topped up our glasses. She went on carefully, “Though I think it’s only his way of showing you he cares.”

  “Don’t you start defending or making excuses for him...or I shall start regretting my decision to banish him for the evening,” I said, smiling. She took the cue not to press for him any further, and we moved on to less challenging topics of conversation. As we talked, she made me laugh with some tale or other about her and Carlton, and I realised how much I envied their easygoing relationship. I was pleased they were getting on so well. There had been a time when Carlton and I had nearly had a moment; a moment that had been thwarted by Trent – another example of his possessiveness. But I was pleased now that Carlton and I were only friends; he and Greene were much better suited to each other.

  Greene left a little while later, by which time we were both feeling rather mellow, and I went in to do my exercises. I’d been given these by the physiotherapist to do while recovering from being shot, and I tried to do them twice a day. My shoulder was healing well, and although the scar still looked pink and fresh, the exercises were helping to improve the flexibility and build up my strength. The physiotherapist had also worked with me in sessions at the gym, and I’d recently started going back to do my usual, though appropriately modified, workout. Before the shooting I’d been fit and I didn’t want my fitness levels to drop, so it was good to be back in my routine. I’d even started practising my kickboxing again, and fitted in some punches and
kicks on the punch bag at the end of each session. I was going to give it a miss this evening, though, obviously not wanting to bump into Trent.

  I showered when I’d finished, then, as nothing else in the fridge appealed, I munched some crackers and cheese by way of supper before turning my attention to packing. I thought I’d take some sort of decisive action. As Cavendish had paid for my riding clothes I’d leave them behind. Otherwise I didn’t have much more than I’d had when I arrived here little more than a year ago. One case and a couple of boxes, including the one filled with Eva’s things. As I packed I pondered on how I was going to go about this, but the more I thought the more muddled I became. I decided I’d go and see Cavendish the next day and explain. Explain what? That I was running; leaving them in the lurch; leaving them with even more to do. I felt a surge of shame at what I was planning. They’d been so good to me and I would be letting them down. I was being selfish, but what else could I do? I wasn’t brave and strong like everyone else here, and I was afraid I was going to end up right back where I had been and I couldn’t cope with that. I sat on the edge of my bed, my head in my hands and my mind in turmoil, not knowing what to do.

  Shortly after ten I went out to check on the horses, topped up their water buckets, then, decided on an early night, hoping sleep would resolve my problems, but spent the next couple of hours tossing and turning in a fruitless quest for it. At around midnight, irritated by my inability to doze off, I got up and padded back downstairs, thinking I might watch a film. I went to the sink to get some water first, and as I did I glanced out of the window and was surprised to see Trent’s truck parked just beyond my garden fence. I looked down at Susie, who had come to greet my unusual nocturnal wanderings.

  “I think I preferred it when you didn’t like him. At least then I’d get some warning of his approach.” She stared at me for a moment before returning to her bed, no doubt thinking there was nothing she could do for me now. I’d asked him not to come round, yet here he was, not listening, again. I unlocked the back door and walked down the path as he got out of the truck. He stood at the end of the path, not taking another step, as if this boundary marked the line he should not cross. I stopped the other side of the invisible divide and watched him silently.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “What are you sorry for, Trent?”

  “Clearly you don’t find my possessiveness one of my more endearing qualities, so I’m sorry for going to see Alex...and I shall try harder not to behave like that again.”

  “Do you trust me?”

  “Yes, but I don’t trust him, I’m afraid, and it’s in my nature to be possessive of you. I don’t want to lose you...to someone else.”

  “You won’t lose me to someone else, but you will lose me if you do this again because I don’t want to live like that.” He nodded in what I hoped was agreement and understanding, then silently he continued to study me.

  “I think there is something else, Em.”

  “I don’t know what you mean,” I replied, sounding defiant, but I did know, and I knew he could see straight through me.

  “I think you’re using this argument to distract me from the real problem.” His words were measured, his tone even, and I hated the fact he was so controlled.

  Unable to tell him, I thought I’d continue with the distraction. “How come you’re here anyway? I thought you were on Cavendish duty tonight.”

  “I was, but Carlton turned up and offered to relieve me.”

  I hesitated, thoughtful. “We have good friends.”

  He nodded in agreement as he repeated, “We have good friends.”

  “So you thought you’d come and sit outside my cottage, even though I told you I didn’t want to see you...were you planning on sitting there all night?”

  “If need be. I’ve told you before, I don’t like to be away from you when I don’t have to be.” He looked at me a little sheepishly. “I suppose I hoped you wouldn’t be able to sleep and would come and take pity on me.” And he gave me a small smile while slowly lifting his hand towards me. I didn’t like the fact that he appeared to know me so well, but he was right, I couldn’t settle when there was animosity between us. I didn’t make a move towards taking his hand though, and as I watched him he tilted his head thoughtfully. I felt him assessing me.

  “I know there’s something else, Emma, what is it?”

  My mouth was suddenly dry. I swallowed. “I’m not sure I’m going to be staying here, Trent.”

  That shook his confident demeanour. He looked dumbfounded, and it was some time before he found his voice. “For Christ’s sake, Emma, why do you want to leave? Are you still having second thoughts about us? I’ve told you I’ll change, but you need to give me a chance.” He shook his head in disbelief and my heart lurched. How could I do this to him? He reached for me, but I moved away before he made contact, knowing if he did I wouldn’t be able to go on.

  He stared at me. “Tell me.”

  I looked down nervously, gathering my thoughts, trying to hold fast to my resolution. “It’s self-preservation.” I hated having to admit this to myself, let alone out loud, feeling my face colour as I said feebly, “I’m afraid.”

  Astonishingly, he looked relieved.

  “Of course you are. With what we’re facing I’d be worried about you if you weren’t. But that’s what we’re all here for, Em. That’s why we’ve put this together so that we work together, support each other in doing what needs to be done. You’re out of the way at the stables, you’re going to be fine.” He was trying to reassure me but I shook my head, my eyes downcast, not wanting to meet his. My fingers picked at a rough piece of nail.

  “That’s not what I’m afraid of, Trent. Well...obviously, that’s part of it, but that’s not what’s behind me leaving.” I paused for a moment before deciding to come right out and say it. “I can’t face the possibility of losing anyone else...of losing you.”

  “But I’m not going to be going anywhere.”

  “That may not be your decision to make.”

  He was silent for a moment as he sorted through my words.

  “So you’re thinking it would be better to go now and definitely lose me rather than stay here with a vague possibility of losing me in the future?” He was clearly baffled by my reasoning, and I had to admit it didn’t make a great deal of sense when put that way. I could suggest that we left together, but knew that would be a non-starter of an idea. He would never leave, and I knew I’d never put him in the position of having to decide.

  Trent exhaled, running his fingers through his hair in exasperation. “Look, Emma, I’m sorry I’ve put you in this situation, but stay, please. If something were to happen to me, you would be surrounded here by people who love and care for you. It’s important to me to know that you’re looked after and that you wouldn’t ever be alone again.” He was trying to placate me. “You know we don’t do well when we’re apart. We’ve been there before – think back, Em, think about how you felt then, how bad it was and how bad it would be now if you left.” And I remembered with brutal clarity the time we’d spent apart after our row and before Zoe had attacked me; how heartbreaking it was; how miserable I’d been.

  He continued, his voice soft, “Do you really think that you can walk away from this?” He brought his hand up and moved it slowly back and forth between our bodies, indicating to whatever it was that breathed in the space between us, the longing that pulled us together, making us whole. I was lost. In that moment I knew my idea to leave had been a ludicrous one. I knew that it would hurt as much as having a limb ripped from me.

  Sensing me wavering, he once again lifted his hand up from his side and stretched towards me in supplication. I reached my hand forward, feeling the familiar spark as I touched his fingers, gliding my hand softly over his, letting it continue up his arm. His skin felt cool and dry against mine. Closing the distance between us, he brought his mouth to my neck, kissing it tenderly, his lips caressing slowly upward, along the line of my j
aw, my cheek. Questioning and hesitant he found my lips and I melted under him as he breathed, “Please tell me we can make up now?”

  “Mmmm” was the only response I could manage, and at this encouragement he swept me up into his arms and carried me back into the cottage.

  I thought we were going to bed but Trent thought otherwise carrying me through to the sitting room before putting me down. His kisses, as he held me tight up against him, were filled with an urgency that made me hot and needy and within moments we were stripped and going at it on the settee. He arched over me, gazing down, his eyes never leaving mine as he thrust into me, his muscles taut and straining for release as he held on and I felt exposed as he watched me unravelling beneath him and wondered how I thought for one moment I could have left him.

  We did most of our making up on the settee before finally ending up in bed where I fell into a deep and restful sleep, and woke to find him still wrapped around me in the morning.

  Chapter 4

  Cavendish arrived shortly after breakfast the next morning to discuss the security at the stables. After my encounter with Zoe a panic button had been put in my bedroom, in addition to the one in the kitchen, so not much more could be done to the cottage. Trent and Cavendish therefore concentrated on the yard while I tacked up Regan and got Benjy ready to lead out.

  Before I set off, they outlined their plans to install a couple of cameras in the trees on the perimeters of the yard. These would cover the back of the cottage as well as the stables, and capture anyone wandering around. I didn’t like the thought of someone watching me, even if it was for my safety and the safety of others, but knew I was going to have to put up with it. Once they were satisfied they’d covered everything they left, and I followed them out of the yard on my first ride of the day.

  I felt better after my previous day’s wobble, if a little foolish. I’d been more affected by the announcements made at the meeting than I cared to admit, and going to see Eva, and Alex, had just pushed me over the edge into making some stupid decisions. It wasn’t like me to run away, and I was annoyed with myself for being so weak. Fortunately Trent hadn’t made any further mention of it, and if he’d noticed the packed case he didn’t comment on it. Now, though, I was back, and while I was still afraid, I was also determined to face whatever life was about to throw at me. Whatever that was, I knew I’d come through worse already.