The Grayson Trilogy

by Georgia Rose

  “Emma, that’s wonderful news. I mean, I know we hadn’t been trying, we hadn’t planned on this, but…” His voice petered out as he looked at me. I smiled back him, but couldn’t stop my lip from trembling. My eyes I knew were shiny, brimming with the tears that were yet to fall. I hated myself in that moment, stealing this from him, and leaned forward to kiss his cheek to try to make it all right.

  He continued, his voice quiet, “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking about how this would affect you…that was thoughtless of me.”

  “No, it wasn’t.” I shrugged it off, unable to say more. I knew, however hard he tried, he couldn’t truly understand what I’d gone through when I’d lost Eva, and what this was doing to me now. I remembered finding out I was pregnant with Eva and how excited I’d been; how excited we’d been – Alex had been thrilled. But that joy had all been eclipsed by the anguish that followed when she died.

  Trent had done a good job of making Eva part of our lives. He asked questions and we talked about her. This was different, though. This was going to be taking me right back to the beginning, reliving each moment of pregnancy that I’d experienced before but with nothing but raw painful memories to show for it. Emotional at the best of times, I was exhausted by the very thought of what I was going to have to face.

  Now I’d spoken those words out loud however it was as if they’d been a magic spell that had awoken something deep inside. I could feel the memories shifting, uncoiling from within as if they were sleeping serpents writhing around each other, each waiting to rise up into my consciousness like sharpened sticks ready to cause me pain with each prod.

  I heard him sigh, and his arms loosened as he slumped away from me. “Is part of it that you don’t want my baby?” My heart sank. I should have known he’d make some comparison with Alex. A while ago now I’d told him that Alex ‘was the man I once loved so much that I chose him to have a child with’. Clearly Trent had not forgotten.

  “No, Trent, that’s not it, that’s not it at all. You will be a great father and you know how much I love you but we didn’t choose this, we didn’t decide, but it’s happened and it’s…” I was searching for an easy way to explain “…it’s just that I’m not ready for it. I haven’t prepared myself. I haven’t had time. We’ve never even talked about having a child, and perhaps we should have done.”

  “You must have known I would want children, you see how I am with Sophia and Reuben. I know we hadn’t discussed having a baby, but equally you’ve never told me you didn’t want another child, so I suppose I’d assumed that one day we would have one. I just didn’t want to discuss it yet, it was too soon.”

  And I nodded. That was my point: it was too soon. He was great with Cavendish and Grace’s children, and I couldn’t blame him for not bringing it up. We’d only been together a few months and I’d made sure I was on the pill – I was on the pill repeated slowly in my mind. And now that my mind was open and acknowledging my situation I questioned how this could have even happened. I took the pill religiously every morning. I woke, got up, and took it. Like clockwork, every morning. Of course – I groaned as I realised there had been a morning I hadn’t taken it. A morning when, instead of waking comfortably in a nice warm bed, I’d been bringing in an aircraft to land at RAF Loreley instead, the climactic point of ‘the incident’. I bore the scars to prove it: a slash across my upper arm from Orlov’s knife; a fainter one on my neck. I had missed taking my pill once and that had been all that was needed.

  “How long have you known?” Trent questioned.

  “A little while,” I admitted reluctantly and looked away from him, studying my hands. “I haven’t allowed myself to believe it until now – until I couldn’t ignore it any longer.”

  “Why not?” Trent was curious as to where my mind was and I couldn’t blame him. It was all over the place, but there were two main areas of concern and I knew he wouldn’t let up on me until I’d shared. I sighed, knowing I was going to have to spill.

  “What if she thinks I’m replacing her?” Eva was still very much a part of my life; she occupied many of my thoughts. After shutting her away in my heart and keeping her to myself for so many years, I’d been encouraged by Trent to talk about her. I wasn’t crazy; I knew she was dead, but I still felt close to her as if she were merely living in some parallel world. I knew I couldn’t get to her right now, but she’d continue to live there eternally until the day came when we would be reunited. If you believe in such things you might call the place heaven. I didn’t, but I still thought that’s where she was. How could I think of her as being anywhere else?

  She’d come to me, not only in my dreams, when I got to hold her in my arms, inhale her smell and feel her warmth, the softness of her hair and the smoothness of her skin, but during ‘the incident’. When my life had been truly in danger I had seen her, as if in that extreme moment the walls between her world and mine had become thinner and she’d been able to reach me. I realised I’d been hallucinating, but it had felt so real. To me she was only just on the other side, and I couldn’t help but feel she would know and this pregnancy would affect her.

  Trent took a long pause before replying. “From everything you have told me about her, Em, I can’t imagine her thinking that for one moment. She was strong and kind and she loved you. If she were still here I’m sure she would have enjoyed having a little brother or sister, and she would have shared you then. She will always have a place in your heart, Em, so don’t think of it as you replacing her, but more of her sharing you with someone else.”

  “Yeah.” I agreed. “That’s a good way to think of it, a positive way…” I was silent and he probed further. He knew there was more.

  “Don’t you think she would want you to be happy?”

  I pondered on this. It was a moot point as the baby was already on the way, but I had to face it: would having another baby make me happy? Ever since I lost Eva I hadn’t believed I deserved to be happy and for a long time, not wanting to move on and thinking I had to keep the wounds open and raw to keep her fresh in my mind, I continued to seek out the pain. Trent had helped me to see beyond that and made me realise I could let it go and allow other things into my life. It didn’t mean I thought any less of Eva but it had meant I’d come so far out of the depths of depression I’d now reached a point where I didn’t want to go backwards. However, I could only see a future ahead that would be tormented with fear over the safety of the child. I could see myself becoming over protective, restrictive on what he, or she, did, rushing to the doctor with the slightest thing. How could that be a good environment in which to bring up a child?

  I voiced these concerns to Trent, finishing with, “What if I can’t do this?” My voice was tight and hoarse. “I failed before, Trent. What if I can’t keep this child alive? I…” I choked, my voice petering out as the tears came. I’d said it out loud, my biggest fear, and Trent hugged me to him, rocking and soothing me and letting me cry it out.

  “I know it’s not going to be easy, Em,” he murmured, “but we’re in this together and we’ll work it out as we go along.” He pulled back, his fingers running along my jawline as he tipped my chin up so he could meet my eyes. “One step at a time, yeah?”

  “Yeah,” I agreed, feeling stronger with his reassurance. I often forgot how good it felt to be no longer alone.

  Smoke curled lazily from the cigar propped up in the cheap glass ashtray. He sat in the chair, facing what was meant to be a dressing table – if anyone who required one had been present. As it was it substituted as a desk in the absence of anything more suitable in the small and depressingly worn-out hotel room he currently called home.

  His right hand, encased, as it and its partner so often were, in a close-fitting vinyl glove, was wrapped around a tumbler holding bourbon, a bottle of which he’d brought with him. This wasn’t the sort of establishment that would have the stock to provide him with what he wanted, and he didn’t need to bring himself to the attention of anyone with requests that migh
t be remembered.

  The hotel was large and run down, nothing having been spent on its decoration in, he reckoned, the last twenty years. There was a high turnover of guests, some staying one night, passing through; some, he suspected, staying an hour, such were the clientele and the area in which the hotel was located. Money changed hands for blind eyes to be turned. This was a place where nobody cared for customer satisfaction, where guests were anonymous and forgotten, which suited his purposes. This was why he’d brought his own bottle. Reaching for it now, he refilled his glass.

  Chapter 2

  The following morning I felt fine and set about my normal routine. Trent disappeared up to the Manor to do whatever it was he did there while I exercised Regan and led Benjy out first. Although it was dry and sunny there was an autumn chill in the air and I’d wrapped up warmly. Susie joined us, scampering back and forth through the fallen leaves wherever the scents and trails led her. We kept half an eye on each other, the distance between us never becoming too great.

  I rode Monty out next, leading Zodiac, and had a livelier time of it. Monty could often be flighty, but that morning he was spooked by the most ridiculous of things. Admittedly he had good cause to jump when a pheasant launched itself skyward right under his nose, but from then on he was skittish, quivering beneath me if leaves fell too close or anything moved in the undergrowth. He shied time and time again, suddenly suspicious of clumps of grass, trees, ditches, logs, plants – nature, in fact, in all its glory. I rode him back towards home on the road in the hope of calming him down as he was breaking out in a muck sweat. Zodiac, who was getting little enough attention as I had my hands full, was being dragged along by Monty’s antics having no choice but to put up with it.

  I managed to free a hand as we jogged sideways and raised it to wave at Cavendish as he drove slowly past to let him know I was all right. He replied to my grin with one of his own. As we arrived back at the stables, I’d barely dismounted when Trent’s truck drove into the yard. It stopped, or rather it screeched to a halt, and he jumped out, slamming the door behind him as he strode towards me. Uh-oh.

  “What the fuck do you think you are doing?” he demanded.

  “My job,” I countered, my defences up. He didn’t swear often; it was an indicator of his anger when he did, and right now I knew he was really, really mad. Like the time he had caught me riding out without my back protector on – now that was a bad day. “What’s the problem, Trent?”

  “The problem is that Cavendish got back and told me he’d just seen Monty dancing sideways down the road with you.”

  “Oh, it’s not a problem. That’s the way he is sometimes.”

  This was nothing unusual for me so I was surprised when he came back with, “You obviously can’t carry on working now. I should have thought of this earlier, stopped you from going out.”

  “Trent, you can’t stop me, this is my job.”

  “Of course I can, I’m the estate manager.”

  Oh, don’t do that, I thought. Don’t pull that rank stuff with me.

  I tried to reason. “There’s no need for me to stop, Trent. I’m perfectly safe and you’re being overprotective.”

  “Emma, you’ve fallen from a horse more than once since being here, and I’m not going to risk it.” He was right, but I tried to retaliate, even though I realised I was on shaky ground with my argument.

  “I’m not the one in the most dangerous occupation, Trent. You’re going to be a parent as well, and I don’t suppose you’re about to give up your work.”

  “But I’m not the one carrying our child, Emma!” He took a deep breath before continuing. “If I were I would give it up in a heartbeat.”

  So now I felt bad. I knew he was right, only I couldn’t let it go.

  “I am not giving up my job, Trent, that’s unfair. I need to work, I need to be around the horses.”

  He paused, releasing his held breath, and nodded; he knew how much they helped my state of mind. His eyes closed briefly as he calmed.

  “Look, Emma, this baby has already come through a lot just to get this far, and it’s our duty to do all we can to protect it.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You were on the pill…” he stated, “you missed it one day and you’re pregnant. What do you think the chances are of that?” I shook my head; I didn’t know. “Our baby has already survived you being kicked across the gym by Turner – had you thought of that?” I hadn’t. He took hold of my shoulders and gave me the full effect of his penetrating gaze. “This baby, our baby, really wants to be born and we have to do our best to make sure that happens.” I nodded. I knew that and I knew he was right, but…

  “I have to work, Trent. The stuff that is building up in my head because of the whole baby business is going to drive me crazy otherwise…please.” My voice sounded pleading, which I hated.

  “Okay.” And my hopes were raised for a moment. Was he going to relent? Not, it seemed, entirely. “I’ll tell you what, how about a compromise?”

  “You want to negotiate?” I smiled; we’d trodden this track before. “What have you got?”

  He considered me, his head tilted.

  “I don’t want you to ride or handle the horses at all.” I was horrified he was taking such a hard line, but knew I’d get nowhere with the riding issue. That was a non-starter and he had a good point. I had fallen off before, more than once since being here, and if that happened and I lost the baby I would never forgive myself. But I needed to do more than he was offering, which was next to nothing.

  “So…what? That leaves me able to do a bit of gentle tack cleaning, does it? Oh, and the mucking out?”

  “Actually I don’t want you mucking out either. I’d forgotten about that. It’s too strenuous for you.” His face broke into a grin as I scowled at him. I knew – at least I hoped – he was winding me up. He must have known there was no way I would go for that. He knew I hated accepting help from anyone so I assumed he was starting from a low base and hoping for too much.

  “That’s no compromise at all. Here’s what I will give you. I will stop riding…and that is it. Everything else I will continue doing. I will be careful, I will keep myself safe, but I will go mad if I do not work.”

  He frowned.

  “And if you’re ill? Or later on when you get too…big?” and he waved his hands in the general direction of my body.

  “Then I’ll worry about that when it happens and arrange cover as required. Please, Trent, let me carry on with everything else.” I needed him to be on my side with this. He was right: he did have the authority to stop me, but I hoped for the sake of our relationship he was not about to.

  “All right…I’ll run it past Cavendish and talk to Carlton and Greene and see what we can come up with.”

  “Thank you,” I said with relief, “although…”

  “I know, this means we are going to have to tell people. At least those three and Grace. I know it’s earlier than you wanted.”

  “I haven’t even been to the doctor yet, Trent, had it confirmed.”

  “There’s not any doubt, is there?”

  “No, not really…” At that moment a wave of nausea rolled through my stomach as if in confirmation.

  “We’ll go to the doctor tomorrow, it’s your day off anyway. We’ll tell the others this afternoon.”

  “Only those four?”

  “Only those four,” he confirmed. “Do you want some help now? Or are you okay? You look a bit pale again.”

  “I’m fine, Trent. I’ll see you at the apartment this afternoon.”

  He gave me a quick hug and pulled away.

  “Okay, see you later.” Then as he walked away he called back over his shoulder, “Oh, and don’t think you’ll be carrying anything this afternoon.”

  I sighed. If he was set to continue in this overprotective mode this was going to be the longest pregnancy ever. I turned back to Monty whose reins I’d been holding throughout this exchange and proceeded to untack him. I d
idn’t like the thought of not being able to ride again for so long but told myself it was only for a few months and it wasn’t as if I had much choice.

  I couldn’t eat anything other than some dry crackers for lunch and even they churned uncomfortably in my stomach as I drove to the Manor. I parked and walked up the few steps to Trent’s old apartment door, which stood open. It looked as though the moving, such as it was, had already taken place: the sitting room was stacked with boxes, many hands having made light work of it. The furniture was staying anyway, so it had only been Carlton and Greene’s personal items that had to be brought over .

  I could hear voices from the kitchen, and as I entered Cavendish was popping the cork from a bottle of champagne. As froth spilled into glasses I greeted everyone, and once the drinks had been handed out, Cavendish toasted the couple in their new home. Despite the toast I knew a drop would never pass my lips. The moment I smelt it my stomach heaved, and then of course there was Trent, who I knew would be watching.

  Trent waited until the celebration had passed then cleared his throat. If I wasn’t already feeling nauseous, I would have definitely been feeling sick right about now, purely with the anticipation.

  “Erm, I’m sorry if this is stealing your moment,” he indicated with his glass to Carlton and Greene, “but Em and I have got something to tell you and it needs to be today. Sorry.” All eyes turned to him.

  “No problem, Trent, what’s going on?” Carlton had been the one to voice everyone’s curiosity.

  “For reasons that I hope you all understand, we need you to keep this to yourselves for the time being. We’re adjusting to the news ourselves…and obviously Emma’s…well Emma’s…”

  “Oh, for God’s sake, man, spit it out,” Carlton exclaimed, and Trent glared at him before continuing.

  “We’re having a baby.” Then he elaborated, in case any of them didn’t get it. “Emma’s expecting a baby.”

  There was a moment of silence, for the words to be processed by our friends. A slightly awkward hesitation where they tried to assess how I was reacting and coping with this news. It was only a split-second pause, but it was there. There were no loud exclamations of joy, but I could feel their excitement.