Under My Skin

by Charles de Lint

  I think about Mom. She's got to be so worried. All she knows is that a bunch of guys Tazed me outside of school and then drove off with me in a van.

  I hope Desmond and Barry got away before anything bad could happen to them.

  Then I think about how all of this started up because Desmond couldn't keep his mouth shut. That pisses me off, too. But at least he didn't lie to me.

  I focus on the waves as they wash against my calves. Tide's rising. I let the steady rhythm empty my head and take me away.

  The water's just below my knees when I hear the soft pad of footsteps on the sand behind me. The wind's coming from her direction, so I know who it is.

  Elzie comes up and wraps her arms around my waist. She lays her head against my back. I don't know where I went in my mind, but the press of her body feels good and helps bring me back. She grounds me. Right now, being in this place and with everything that's gone down, I really need to be grounded.

  "I guess she finally told you," she says.

  "Yeah."

  "So how are you doing?"

  "On a scale of one to ten? Maybe zero."

  She sighs. "I should have let her do it in her own time."

  "No. I needed to know. Besides, who says she'd ever have told me?"

  Elzie just holds me a little tighter. The soft touch of her body helps ease the tension in my chest.

  "Did she tell you?" I ask.

  "No."

  "Then how did you know?"

  She shrugs. "I just did—the way Wildlings always know each other."

  "I didn't pick up on it."

  "That's because she'd already changed. You knew her as a Wildling before you changed so she didn't seem any different."

  "But she did tonight."

  "Maybe it's because of where we are. This place feels so different—like everything is sharper and crisper."

  "When did you find out?"

  "At the skate park—the first time we met."

  "But you didn't tell me."

  "It wasn't my secret to tell," she says. "I didn't agree with what she was doing."

  "This makes me feel like such a dumb-ass. It really sucks."

  She turns me around and looks into my eyes. "Would you have told me if our positions were reversed? If it was my best friend who was the Wildling?"

  I don't really have to think about it. "Probably not."

  We don't say anything for a while. We move back from the rising tide, but we stay on the beach, looking out over the ocean. It's strange seeing it so empty. There are no freighters slowly going by in the distance. No lights from big oilrigs way offshore, like there are in Santa Feliz. It's—I don't know—pure.

  Elzie is beside me, her arm around my waist.

  "How did you leave things with her?" she finally asks.

  I shrug. "Not great. She was crying ..."

  "And you just walked away?"

  "What was I supposed to do? She lied to me. She was my best friend and right when I really could have used her help, she abandoned me."

  She bumps my hip with hers. "That's not fair."

  "Tell me about it."

  "No," she says, "I mean it's not fair for you to put that on her. Just because she kept the fact that she's a Wildling a secret, doesn't mean she abandoned you or didn't care about you."

  I take the hand that's on my waist in my own and turn to face her. "You can't be serious."

  "When you told her, she was supportive, wasn't she? Right from the start."

  "Well, yeah, but—"

  "And she's the one who put everything in motion and risked her life to get you away from ValentiCorp."

  "Jeez, make me feel worse, why don't you?"

  She puts her other hand on my shoulder. Her gaze holds mine.

  "I'm not trying to, Josh. You guys have been tight for a really long time. I just don't want you throwing away your friendship. The way things are going, we need all the friends we can get."

  "But how am I supposed to trust her?"

  She leans her head against my chest.

  "I don't know," she murmurs. "Me and trust aren't exactly bosom buddies."

  She straightens up and turns to look out at the ocean.

  "Marina messed up," she says. "I'm not going to pretend she didn't and you can't either. But remember, you guys have a lot of history—good history. Is it really worth it to hang on to this feeling of betrayal and lose all of that?"

  "She lied to me for five months. It's a huge deal."

  "Of course it is. But only about that one thing. Sure, it happened to both of you, but she decided to keep it private when you didn't." She turns to face me again. "Where's the rule that says she's not allowed to keep some stuff to herself? What makes you right and her not?"

  "Nothing, I suppose ..."

  She taps her forehead lightly on my shoulder. "Just don't close the door on your friendship. And listen, it's me saying this, which ain't easy."

  "Okay," I tell her. "I'll try not to close the door."

  She takes my hand. "Come on, let's walk for awhile. Can you believe how beautiful it is here?"

  I let myself be distracted and nod in agreement. It's not just the absence of the Pacific Coast Highway and parking lots and condos and all those other artifacts of civilization that inevitably follow the coastline—though that certainly helps. Without the light pollution, the sky is a deep dark velvet as far as we can see, and we can see a long way. The air is a rich stew of brine and marsh and wet sand, without a trace of smog or exhaust. But mostly, it's the space. I'm so aware of how it unrolls around us in all directions and seems to go on forever. And because of that, it feels like we can, too. That something inside us can expand and reach its full potential with nothing to stop it.

  I try to explain the feeling to Elzie and she nods.

  "I know just what you mean," she says. "We should stay here."

  I smile. "And do what?"

  She stops. "I'm serious. Why go back to a crappy world where nobody cares about anything but themselves?"

  "Okay, but—"

  "Look at what just happened to you. We're just freaks there—one more resource that everybody wants a piece of. Here, we could be anything."

  I want to ask, what about our friends and family, but I don't. It's not the same for her as it is for me. And maybe it's getting to be less like that for me, too, considering what's happened with Desmond and Marina. I mean if your best friends can mess things up this badly ...

  But then I think of Mom.

  "I don't know that I could do it," I say. "There's too much for me back there. It's what I know."

  "There could be a world of heartache waiting for you, too," she says.

  "That's a chance I'll have to take."

  "Maybe that's the difference between you and me," she says. "I'm drawn to things I don't know or haven't experienced yet."

  Because you don't have any roots in our world, I think, but I don't say that, either.

  "Go for a swim?" she asks.

  Now that's something I don't have to over-think.

  We strip off our clothes and race for the ocean. The water's cold and hits like a shock, but it's so clean and invigorating. It clears my head and for a little while I feel happy and carefree.

  When we get back on shore, she turns to me with a grin. She's saying something, but it's hard to focus on it because she looks so beautiful standing there naked, with the water dripping from her. I feel myself go hard and she pokes me with a playful finger.

  "Did you hear anything I said?"

  "Sure, I—" Then I shake my head. "No, not a word."

  She pokes me again. "Idiot. I said, let's change."

  "What? Right here?"

  "Josh, this is the perfect place. Our animal shapes are part of who we are. You need to learn how to have fun with the mountain lion in you."

  "I don't know ..."

  But she's already gone. The jaguarundi that lives under her skin bats my leg with a teasing paw, then takes off down the sand. I wait
a moment, appreciating this other side of her beauty as she runs. Strong and lean. Then I let the mountain lion out and chase after her.

  We spend hours wrestling and racing each other. I feel as though my heart's going to burst with the joy I feel. At one point, I have to run up to a bluff and lift my head, roaring at the sky and stars.

  Elzie's right. Everything about this feels free and beautiful.

  Marina

  I don't think I've ever felt this low. Not even when Mamá and Papá broke up. I kind of knew back then that they shouldn't stay together because they'd been fighting constantly, but I was still incredibly sad. This is way worse.

  I'm curled into a little ball and my entire body is shaking with grief. My tears won't stop and I desperately need a tissue. This fleece isn't the most absorbent fabric they've ever made.

  "Hey, little girl," Chaingang says gently from across the fire. "Don't let it get you so down. He'll come around."

  "No, he won't," I manage to say, my voice hitching.

  "Sure he will. He just needs some space. Want to come and sit with me?"

  I can't believe he'd hit on me when I'm in this state.

  "Screw off," I mutter.

  "Hey, I didn't mean it that way. Sometimes you just need a shoulder to cry on, that's all. Who do you think I am?"

  I feel ashamed. What is wrong with me? Oh yeah, everything.

  "Sorry, I just need to try to get through this," I say. "But I don't know how."

  "He'll forgive you."

  "I don't deserve his forgiveness."

  "Listen, pretty girl. Just try to get some sleep. You'll feel better in the morning.

  But I don't. I've been awake for about twenty minutes now and although I'm no longer crying, I feel as bad as ever. Josh and Elzie are nowhere to be seen. Maybe I'll never see them again.

  Chaingang and Rico have been trying to distract me and cheer me up, but all it does is make me feel worse. I can tell they think that I'll snap right out of it if they're nice to me. They don't seem to understand that I can't just turn off or compartmentalize my sad feelings. I'm not prone to depression, but when I'm really unhappy, I'm not one of those people who can just pretend that everything's okay. I need to go through this. I just wish I wasn't going through it so publicly.

  A few minutes later Josh and Elzie walk back into the camp, hand in hand. Josh can barely look in my direction. Elzie lets go of his hand and comes to sit beside me, leaning her head on my shoulder in sympathy.

  I could never tell her, but the worst part of all of this is knowing that any chance there might have been of Josh and me hooking up someday is gone forever. He's with her now, but I still had a pathetic little ray of hope. That's gone now. And it's not that I wish them ill. But you know ... people drift apart. That could happen and maybe next he'd pick up on how much I care for him.

  See what I mean about pathetic? But now there's no chance at all, because he hates me. I hate myself a little, too, for feeling this way.

  "Come on," Elzie murmurs. "He'll get over it. It's Josh. I might not know him as well as you do, but I do know he's loyal to a fault. He's not going to throw away years of friendship over something like this. It's not like you were being deliberately malicious."

  "But that's just it," I say. "He is fiercely loyal and he expects the same from his friends. Take Henry Still—no, I know you don't know him—but he was this guy that we hung out with back in elementary school. Then he got jumped into the Avers and he and Josh hadn't talked until yesterday in detention. Now Henry's suddenly all proud of Josh for getting into a fight with Erik Gess."

  She raises her head and gets a fierce look on her face. "Who I'd still like to punch myself."

  "Yeah, but the point is," I go on, "Josh never forgave Henry for turning his back on us. I'm sure he still doesn't. That's who Josh is. He'll do anything for a friend, but betray him and he cuts you right out of his life."

  "I'm still saying he'll get over it."

  "Maybe we'll talk again," I say, "but we won't be real friends. Not like we were."

  She puts her brow on my shoulder. "Oh, for God's sake, why not?"

  "Because he can't trust me to be straight with him anymore. And really, why should he?"

  She lifts her head, looking back over my shoulder. "Here he comes now. Why don't you ask him if that's the way he feels?"

  I feel the depression inside me well up in another dark wave. There's a new knot in my stomach.

  "Please don't push this," I say. "Promise me you won't."

  She studies me for a long moment and I can't shake the feeling that somehow she's looking right into my soul, reading everything that Josh means to me and how I've wished it could be more, but now it's never going to be. I want to turn away, but I can't move.

  I flinch when she reaches out a hand to touch my cheek.

  "Oh, I'm so sorry," she says. "I had no idea you felt this way toward him."

  I finally manage to break away from her gaze.

  "So now you're a mind reader?" I ask, staring at the ground.

  She lifts my chin with her hand.

  "No," she says. "It's there for anybody to see. I just wasn't looking."

  I cross my arms over my chest and squeeze myself. "Don't worry," I tell her. "I would never get in between the two of you. I've never gotten in between him and anybody he's been into, and he's really into you."

  "Maybe you should," she says.

  "What do you mean?"

  She gives me a sad smile. "Maybe in the days to come, he's going to need somebody who's more than just a friend."

  Josh

  I'm really uncomfortable about going near where Marina and Elzie are leaning in toward one another, but Cory has just handed me something to help break the ice. I take a deep breath and walk in their direction.

  I hold up the paper bag. "Anybody want coffee and muffins?"

  "Seriously?" Elzie says, jumping up. "Coffee and muffins? I'm famished! Where did you score those?"

  "I didn't. Cory went over to the other side and brought them back."

  "I might have to marry him."

  She reaches for the bag but I pull it away.

  God, she's cute. "Don't I get any say in that?"

  "Sure you do. You get to stand up at the point when the priest asks if anybody knows a good reason why these two people shouldn't get married, then you say you love me and carry me off into the sunset. Now gimme."

  I laugh and hand her the bag. Elzie takes a coffee out for herself, then rummages further to pick out a muffin. I go a little closer to where Marina sits staring at the ground.

  "So I've been thinking," I say.

  She raises her head and those sad brown eyes look into mine.

  "Last night," I say. "I didn't handle that as well as I could have. As I should have."

  "It's okay. I kind of blindsided you."

  "No, it's not okay. We've been friends for long enough that I should have been able to cut you a little slack over something like this."

  I can see a bit of the tension leaving her shoulders. "But you were right," she says. "I totally should have told you."

  I shake my head. "As Elzie pointed out to me last night, what happened to us—everybody's going to handle it differently. I went to you guys because that's what I always do. You decided to deal with it on your own. That was your call and with something this personal, I have no right to tell you what you should or shouldn't have done."

  She looks at me intently. "I so wanted to tell you. I just didn't know how."

  "It doesn't matter," I say. "Let's just put it behind us, okay?"

  "Just like that?" she says, scanning my face, as though she can't believe what I'm saying. "Everything goes back to the way it was before?"

  I'm not one hundred percent sure that's possible, but I nod anyway. "Let's try."

  I take another step toward her, opening my arms. She leaps up and meets me halfway. Our hug is short and awkward, but it has Elzie cheering in delight.

  "Ta-da!" she sa
ys. "God, I love a happy ending."

  Marina gives her a small smile. "Me, too."

  But both Marina and I know that nothing's going back to exactly the way it had been before. I want it to, but I feel a touch of wariness toward her that I wish wasn't there.

  Marina still looks meek, but she tries to put on a brave face with a forced smile. Maybe I'm the only one who can tell it's forced.

  "I think my work here is done," Elzie says with a satisfied grin. "Should we go join the others at the car?"

  She hands the bag back to me, then links her free arm through mine and tugs me back toward where the SUV's parked. Marina falls in behind us. Elzie's chatter flows over us as we continue up to the higher ground where the others are waiting.

  Marina

  I'm a bit self-conscious as we join the others, who are standing by the car. I can tell they're wondering how our little emotional drama is playing out.

  Cory and Rico don't really know either of us. I assume they've just dismissed what happened between Josh and me as teen theatrics. We might look like we've put our hurt behind us, but under our masks of reconciliation, we're walking wounded. They just don't pick up on it.

  Chaingang does—I know right away by how he looks at us—but if he has an opinion, he keeps it to himself.

  As for Elzie, I can't decide if she's just pretending that everything is okay, or if she really can't see the truth.

  The important thing is, I'm not the center of attention anymore.

  "I found a place where we can bring the SUV back across," says Cory, pointing south and west. "Think we can drive it about a quarter mile in that direction?"

  "Shouldn't be a problem," Chaingang replies.

  "You see any of our people while you were over there?" Rico asks Cory.

  "No, but I didn't stick around. They've got cops all over the place."

  "Any word on the bodies we left behind in the lab?" Rico asks.

  "No idea."

  Their conversation ebbs and flows around me, but I don't contribute anything. I wonder what's going to happen next. I don't know if my cover was blown or not. Maybe I've been lucky. Except for Desmond and Barry, maybe it's just Wildlings and the older cousins who know about the otter, and I can go back to my old life.