It’s My Party

by Ramy Vance

  The Mundanes and José stopped and stared out at the next defense ring. “All right,” Suzuki said. “This is where Beth and I are going to go on ahead. It’ll be too risky if we all go. And you guys—”

  Sandy sighed and leaned back against a tree. “We get to dig,” she interrupted. “Sounds fucking great.”

  “Would you prefer to be sneaking into enemy territory under a disguise that the enemy knows about? Oh, don’t forget the part about being hopelessly outnumbered. Or the part where you have to wait for your reinforcements to dig themselves to you? All while trying to find a fucking ringtone? Like, what the fuck does a ringtone even look like?”

  “O humble creature of the Shire, I do believe you will find it. Let the strength of love and friendship guide you!”

  All of the Mundanes burst into a fit of giggles. “Fuck off,” Suzuki said. “I’ll let Find Your Target do that for me.”

  Stew shook his head as he folded his arms. “That’s if you want to get caught casting that spell in there,” he interjected. “That’s a sure way to get everyone paying attention to you. Look here, an imp we’ve never seen before, wandering around, following a golden light like he’s looking for something. You do plan on coming out of this alive, right?”

  “Fine. We’ll be sneakier. This would be so much easier if we actually had someone who knew how to sneak into places.”

  José laughed as he looked at the last defense ring. “They do make life a lot easier.” He chuckled. “More difficult in some ways, but always worth it. You two haven’t been doing too bad of a job so far.”

  “That’s just because we haven’t gotten killed yet.”

  “That is generally the criteria.”

  “All right. Well, guess we’ll see you guys later. Try not to die of asphyxiation.”

  “Try not to get found out as a spy and have your intestines ripped out.”

  “Dude, not cool,” Suzuki said as he closed his eyes and reached out to Fred. “You ready to do this?” he asked Fred.

  Fred uncurled from behind Suzuki’s unconscious. “As ready as I will ever be,” Fred answered.

  Suzuki felt his body slipping away, rolling down into the dark, struggling and grasping to find himself or to keep from losing himself. Even though he and Fred had switched bodies a few times already, the feeling of his physical form slipping away from him never stopped being disorienting. It reminded him of the time he had been teleported into Middang3ard and how sick it had made him. At least now he didn’t feel like vomiting every time they changed places.

  The switch was complete. Fred stood where Suzuki once had, and Suzuki could see through Fred’s eyes. Could feel the imp’s thoughts and feelings crashing against him like a wave. So much more this time around. It was as if Fred wasn’t even bothering to hide them from Suzuki anymore. Maybe that wasn’t an option. They had grown close, a lot closer than Suzuki ever thought would have been possible over the last few days. There were parts of Fred that Suzuki didn’t believe could have existed. Maybe this was how Fred was all the time. Either way, the change was finished.

  At Fred’s side, Beth had also switched places with her familiar Ros’ten. The giant bee floated lazily next to the imp, its long tongue slithering out for a second to groom itself before flapping its waxen wings and rising into the air.

  The Mundanes readied their weapons as Fred reached out and wrangled Ros’ten out of the air. It looked like Fred was trying to choke the life out of Ros’ten. Instead, Fred swung his foot over the bee’s body and straddled it as one would a steed. “Apologies,” Fred said, growing aware of the Mundanes ready to pounce on him. “It’s a biological instinct. Imps used to ride… inferior creatures. We once bred bees specifically for transportation—and fun.”

  Ros’ten didn’t seem to have a problem being straddled. In fact, its wings were beating even faster so that they were creating a gentle hum.

  Sandy shook her head as she laughed to herself. “Even when they’re in their familiars, Suzuki is still trying to get on top of Beth.”

  Suzuki was glad that he was within Fred at the moment because otherwise, he would have been blushing and fumbling with his words. In the back of his head, if you could call it that, he could hear Beth laughing. “Beth, is that you?” he asked.

  “Yeah, yeah, I think,” Beth said. “How are we talking to each other?”

  “The familiars have their own psychic communication or something. I guess that when we’re in their position, we can use it.”

  “This is weird, Suzy. I feel like… I don’t know… it’s just weird not having a body. I’m all floaty.”

  “You know, I wasn’t trying to straddle you. That’s all Fred. He’s a little—”

  “Suzy, don’t worry about it. Straddle me anytime you want. That’s what I’m going to do.”

  “Oh. Okay.”

  Back in the physical world, Fred and Ros’ten were ready to go. Fred reached out to Suzuki. We are departing.

  All right, Fred. Let’s get those ringtones and liberate some motherfuckers.

  18

  Fred and Ros’ten passed over into the final defense ring. The ground was cold, almost as if it were made of something other than earth. Even the air itself felt different. It sent a chill straight down into Fred’s chest, and Suzuki could feel it all the way in the back of his head. It was as if this last defense ring had been lifted from someplace other than Middang3ard. As if it had been carved out of another world and dropped in the middle of this realm. Suzuki could feel Fred thinking, trying to figure out exactly what was off, but coming to no conclusions. Beneath Fred, Ros’ten’s wings vibrated loudly.

  Suzuki directed his thoughts in Beth’s direction. Hey, how are you holding up? he asked.

  Beth’s voice bubbled up in Suzuki’s mind. I’m getting used to it. Still kind of weird, and a little freaky, she said. Ros’ten isn’t much of a talker so this is interesting. There’s a lot about Ros’ten I don’t know.

  Yeah, I was surprised too when Fred and I first changed places. I’ve learned a lot about the guy.

  What’s there to learn about an eldritch imp? Beth asked.

  Apparently a lot. It’s just been a lot to learn about the different races in general. Like, I had heard that a bunch of the eldritch creatures joined up with the Dark One as soon as he started trying to fuck people’s lives up. That’s not what I’ve seen in Fred’s memories. It’s a lot more complicated than that.

  They’re still working for the Dark One.

  Suzuki sighed. The ones that didn’t get wiped out. I’m talking multiple genocide.

  Fuck. I had no idea.

  Neither did I.

  Fred rode Ros’ten farther into the defense ring. They were getting close enough to actually see what was going on. What they saw surprised all four of them.

  This defense ring was nothing like the ones that they had passed through before. The towers that they had seen in the distance were much taller than they had appeared. They were built from some kind of metal that looked to be in constant motion. White lights emanated from the windows of the buildings.

  Orcs and goblins were everywhere, but very few of them were walking. Most of those who passed were riding in sleek hover cars with glowing blue pads that hummed softly, some kind of anti-gravitational field. They zoomed by as the orcs and goblins hurried along their ways to perform whatever command their chips were giving them. The entire first section of the ring had been almost barbaric in comparison to this ring. Everything was futuristic. It didn’t look like it belonged in Middang3ard.

  Suzuki could hear Beth reaching out to him. What the fuck is this shit? she asked. This looks like something out of Blade Runner.

  I have no fucking clue.

  Fred rode Ros’ten through the last defense ring, which was bustling. There were almost too many different races to keep track of. The closest thing that Suzuki had ever seen akin to the sheer volume of bodies moving around, unconcerned with each other, was Times Square. The only difference was that
no one looked interested in shopping: it was all business. The few orcs and goblins walking around wore visors that looked to be similar to the HUDs the military and MERCs wore.

  It wasn’t only orcs and goblins, though. The defense ring was filled with long-limbed elves and squat dwarves and halflings. All of them wore the visors as well. As Fred and Ros’ten passed by the mortal races, Suzuki noticed that they all had small microchips embedded in their necks.

  Beth cleared her throat, an odd sensation that Suzuki felt across the back of his neck. Apparently, sharing a communication channel with her was somewhat similar to the type of connection he shared with Fred when they were talking to each other. We should try to find a place to set up a Nav point, Beth suggested. Just in case digging out to the other section doesn’t work out well.

  Suzuki nodded as Fred looked around, washing Suzuki with waves of trepidation. Yeah, that’s not a bad idea. Where the fuck do we even start?

  I’d say a central location, I guess, or someplace private, tucked away. It’s your call.

  I say private. We can get a good set up for an ambush.

  All right. Let’s get cracking.

  Fred and Ros’ten moved through the crowded space dominated by bodies that seemed to be working for a single purpose despite not interacting with each other. As Fred was riding Ros’ten, Suzuki was able to get a better look at the vehicles that were being driven by orcs. They were small and similar to electronic scooters. The only difference was that they didn’t have wheels. The vehicles floated a foot or so off the ground and were outfitted with pulse cannons that looked eerily similar to the hand cannon Chip had used. It wasn’t the same tech, but similar enough. Where the fuck did they get all of this shit? Suzuki asked.

  Beth shrugged. Who knows? It makes sense, though. We already knew that the Dark One wasn’t using magic for anything. Tech would be the next bet.

  Yeah, but from where? This is leaps and bounds beyond anything that I’ve ever seen on Earth.

  I know. We’ll probably find out soon enough.

  They continued on through the defense ring, marveling at the tech that they were passing by. Suzuki noticed that most of the races they passed were also carrying firearms. They were not guns like any he had seen on Earth. These were long, metallic rifles and pistols that seemed to be made for beauty as well as function. The ends of each of them glowed with a dull blue energy.

  The atmosphere of this ring was different from the others as well. It was almost cheerful. While in the pits of the prison, Suzuki had noticed the general disgruntled attitude of the workers until he had come to the research facility. The workers here were nothing like the grunts who worked underground. These orcs almost had a distinguished air to them. It was jarring, but Suzuki could almost see them wearing suits, rushing off to their next meeting. Maybe there were different variations on microchips and ringtones, depending on your station. All in all, the nuances that were part of the Dark One’s mind control scheme were far beyond Suzuki’s ability to grasp. There did seem to be more than met the eye, though.

  Ros’ten grunted loudly and balked. Fred looked in the direction that Ros’ten was staring. There was a cluster of small, squat buildings that looked less impressive than the rest of the area. That looks like a good place to get set up, Beth said. Let’s check it out.

  Fred and Ros’ten tried to make their way through the sea of bodies that were moving by. It was worse than walking in downtown during rush hour. They kept bumping into the passersby, trying to avoid eye contact or apologies. None of the other races seemed to have a problem staying out of each other’s way. As Fred and Ros’ten neared the end of the vast intersection, an orc reached out and grabbed Fred.

  The orc was huge, larger than most orcs Suzuki had seen. He was painted with the traditional clan paintings of a chieftain or warmonger. The orc sized up Fred and Ros’ten, glaring at them with suspicious eyes. “Where you off to so fast, little imp?” the orc asked.

  “Why’s it any concern to you?” Fred fired back.

  “Because we ain’t used to seeing eldritch assholes in this neck of the rings.”

  Suzuki couldn’t help but laugh to himself. Even with all the official air of this last ring, the orcs were still the same, surly and ready to pick a fight. Perhaps there was only so much that the microchips could mitigate.

  “Where the fuck are you going?” the orc asked again.

  “I am an envoy from the viceroy. I am here to review working conditions and report back to the viceroy. Do I have your permission to continue on in my mission, or should I relate to the viceroy that I was being held up by…what is your name?”

  “You don’t need to know it.”

  “The viceroy will.”

  “The viceroy is already here in this circle. What the fuck—”

  “And do you think the viceroy has time to march through every one of these shitholes, checking to see if things are up to the Dark One’s standards? Do you think the viceroy has time to sit here and talk to an idiotic orc about what she is here to do and not do? Do you think that is a proper use of the viceroy’s time?”

  The orc said nothing, just stared at Fred, its eyes betraying nothing other than irritation and mistrust. “Where are you going?”

  “Why do you have so many questions?”

  “As an emissary of the viceroy, I believe that it is my responsibility to figure out why an imp is pretending to be in the viceroy’s service.”

  Suzuki didn’t have time to react. Fred grabbed Ros’ten, kicked the bee in the sides, and took off for the buildings they had been heading toward. The orc launched an immediate chase. Suzuki was glad Fred was the one in charge of their movements. Fred had made a genius decision running. Years ago, Suzuki had read in a game file that orcs have an unnatural desire to chase, almost like when a dog feels the need to run after a car. It was something primitive and primordial within them. As long as Fred kept moving, the orc would have almost no choice but to follow.

  Fred veered Ros’ten to the side so that they flew behind the squat buildings. The orc was close on their tails. Fred jumped off of Ros’ten, who flew around the buildings at a breakneck speed, checking to see if there were any witnesses.

  There was no one. It was as if everyone was too busy to have noticed.

  Fred stopped running and backed himself up against the wall as the orc closed in, drawing out a blood-covered battle ax. “We heard about you a little while ago,” the orc said. “We heard there was an imp running around in the tunnels, trying to free as many prisoners as possible. We lost a lot of test subjects because of you. So, who are you? One of those straggler imps trying to get revenge?”

  “What straggler imps?”

  “Don’t play stupid with me. Now give me your name!”

  “You do not need it. All you need to know is that you are dead.”

  “You would dare strike down an emissary of the viceroy in the middle of enemy territory?”

  Fred turned to Suzuki and Suzuki connected his mind to Beth and Ros’ten. We have to do this fast, Suzuki said. It’s all you, Fred and Ros’ten. Just make it fast.

  Ros’ten moved first. He flew behind the orc and a pulse of electrical energy emanated from his wings, shocking the orc, who fell. Fred leapt, tackling the orc to the ground, sinking his teeth into the orc’s neck. The orc didn’t so much as shirk from the pain. He rolled, lifted his ax and brought it down on Fred, who neatly caught the ax in his hand. “Foolish,” Fred said. Then he opened his mouth and spewed a stream of hellfire.

  The orc was nonplussed, tossing Fred off of him with enough strength to dent the wall that Fred slammed into. What the fuck? Suzuki asked. Aren’t you practically an elder god or something?

  Be silent, Fred hissed. I am fighting for our lives.

  Ros’ten circled around the orc again, but this time, the orc grabbed Ros’ten’s wings. The bee tried to escape while the orc attempted to rip them off.

  Fred rushed the orc and tackled him to the ground. He slashed at the or
c’s face, nearly ripping off its nose. Fred hissed under his breath as he bit the orc’s neck repeatedly, trying to tear out his jugular. The orc raised his ax and brought it down on Fred’s back. The imp screamed in pain as the orc got to his feet, holding Fred by his throat. “Who sent you!” the orc shouted again.

  Ros’ten came up from behind, flying low and taking the orc’s feet out from under him. Fred slid out of the orc’s hands and crawled up the orc’s back as he stood. He sunk his teeth into the orc’s throat again, this time finding the jugular vein. He tore it out, sending blood squirting everywhere. When the orc fell, Fred jumped off his back. He stood there panting. Once he caught his breath, he covered the orc in hellfire, leaving nothing but bones. That was…difficult, Fred said. Far too difficult.

  Fred rolled the body over and removed the microchip that was attached to the orc’s neck. These must be doing more than only controlling, Fred said. I have never met an orc that strong before. It must be the chips.

  Suzuki pushed up closer so that he could see better through Fred’s eyes. Higher grade chips and powers for those closest to the Dark One?

  Exactly.

  Which means—

  That every orc, goblin, and giant in this defense ring will be considerably stronger than anything we’ve faced so far.

  Fuck. Why can’t things just be easy for once?

  19

  Fred and Ros’ten had made sure to push the ashes of the orc they had recently killed to the side, hiding them out of view of anyone who might have wandered behind the buildings.

  Then they set a nav point for the first group of diggers, the Mundanes and José, and another nav point for the second group, the rest of the Horsemen and the recuperating soldiers. Once that was done, they returned to the crowded streets of the final defense ring. Suzuki was more focused on what was going on around him now. The orc recognizing them had given him a scare. There was no telling how many agents of the viceroy were in the defense ring. They had to find the ringtone and get out of the middle of the viper’s den as soon as possible.