by Claire Frost
‘Yes! Soon I’ll be the bestest in the class at kicking water. But, Mummy, aren’t I going to Daddy’s on Friday and Saturday and Sunday?’ Wolf counted the days off on his fingers and explained to Bell, ‘We’re having three sleepovers. And Daddy said he’d take me to his friend’s house again so we can play on the unicorn and flamingo in the water.’
‘Sh—sugar! Yes, you’re right again, Wolf! Silly Mummy for forgetting that’s next weekend. Oh well, we’ll just have to come in two weekends’ time to see Bell, won’t we?’
‘Can I have hot chocolate again?’
‘We’ll see. Coat on now, and say goodbye to Bell, then make sure you haven’t left anything over by the play area.’
‘Bye bye, Bell Bell,’ Wolfie sang, giving her a sticky hug, then ran over to the toys to pick up his bag, all the while singing to himself.
‘He is very cute,’ Bell smiled. ‘And I was going to say, though you may have other plans obviously as you don’t have Wolf at the weekend, but if you are around and still fancy going for a drink on Saturday, we could always upgrade our coffee to a glass of wine?’
‘Oh, well . . .’
‘Don’t worry, I really won’t be offended if you say no,’ the older woman smiled gently.
‘No, it’s just I was a bit surprised, that’s all. I’m sure you don’t want to be spending your Saturday night listening to me go on about myself when you could be out on the town with your friends.’
‘I feel a bit old to be “out on the town”,’ Bell laughed. ‘These days if I’m not tucked up in bed by midnight I know I’ll pay for it the next day. It’s definitely true that hangovers get worse with age, you know.’
‘You are not that old! And a glass of wine on Saturday would be lovely.’
They exchanged numbers and Millie collected up both Wolfie and their bags.
‘See you soon, Wolf,’ waved Bell outside the community centre. ‘And see you on Saturday, Millie.’
She turned and walked off down the road and Millie allowed herself a second to bask in the warmth of Bell’s hug. Despite the two of them being very different people, there was something about Bell that drew Millie to her. And Wolf clearly felt the same.
‘Mummy, Bell has a beautiful smile, doesn’t she? If she had more yellowy long hair, she would look like a princess as she’s always smiling.’
‘Princesses can have hair any colour or length, darling. But, yes, Bell does have a lovely smile. I’m glad you like her because I do too. I hope she might become a good friend.’
‘Like I’m friends with Eva at school?’
‘Yes. I don’t think I know Eva – is she a new friend?’
‘Yes, she was nice to me when Zach said something mean. And now he’s mean about Eva too.’
‘Well, Zach doesn’t sound like a very nice person to me so you should make sure you tell the teacher if he says anything horrible to you or Eva again, Wolfie,’ she said lightly while inside seething that anyone could be nasty to her precious son. ‘Anyway, once we get home, we can write that list of things you want to do during the holidays and we’ll see how many of them we can tick off. We can even ask Eva’s mummy if she wants to come and play one day if you’d like.’
‘Yes! I can show her my Batman lair cos she likes superheroes too. Do you think Bell likes superheroes?’
‘I’m not sure, darling, but why don’t you ask her in a couple of weeks.’
Once Wolf was in bed, still muttering about Bell and superheroes in his sleep, Millie picked up her phone and put up a quick ‘outfit of the day’ post on her grid. Thankfully, she’d taken a few pictures in different clothes in the changing room of the big department store in town last week, so, with a few quick Photoshop tweaks, she was able to make it look like the sofa she was sitting on was somewhere much more plush than the battered seating area of a badly lit fitting room. She looked down at the pyjama bottoms and baggy top she was currently wearing and giggled to herself. Thankfully, Instagram was a one-way mirror and no one was able to take a peek inside the real world of Millie Morley.
She glanced at her phone as the notifications piled up and then her heart sank. She quickly blocked the trolls and deleted their comments, but almost immediately another couple appeared.
@WhatAFake You can’t get rid of us that easily, you silly bitch. How’s that son of yours tonight. Hope your not giving him nightmares with that shit scary face of yours.
@MillieIsAFake What do you know about style? Sweet FA, that’s what, ha!
@abigail__stylista Don’t listen to the trolls @mi_bestlife! We all love your #ootd – keep ’em coming!
@ClaireBeary You look LIT Millie – love that skirt on you. Love seeing you on my feed #gorge
She ‘Liked’ some of the positive comments and tried to feel good about what they were saying. But as she lay in bed it was the trolls’ words that crept inside her head and spread their poison, smothering every good thought from the day.
Chapter Fourteen
Bell
Swimming always made Bell ravenous. As she shovelled cheese on toast into her mouth, she surveyed her little house from behind the kitchen counter. Once Colin arrived and removed the sofa and TV, the lounge would look much bigger, and she couldn’t wait to get stuck in to making the room exactly how she wanted it. She realised she’d been living in a kind of limbo for the past few months, surrounded by Colin’s things, but not by Colin himself.
She’d first met Colin at her friend Anne’s wedding (she was another mate she barely spoke to anymore, though for the life of her Bell couldn’t say why, other than her own laziness at keeping in touch). They’d been set up by Anne, who had got swept away in her own little Bridezilla world and decided to matchmake all her single friends at her wedding, joking that she needed to find them a date before they all hit the heady heights of (whisper it) thirty and got left on the shelf for ever. It hadn’t gone down all that well with her four single friends at first, but once Bell found herself seated between two not only single but also good-looking men, she’d decided to stop complaining about the interfering bride. Plus, there was a free bar.
Joel, the cheeky chappy on her left, kept topping up her glass and won her over with his jokes and hilarious anecdotes about nights out with his rugby team, so it was a total no-brainer when he asked for her number after they’d slipped out for a fag and a snog at the end of the main course. Later that evening, Joel joined the rugby set to do shots followed by pints on repeat until they all threw up, and Bell had the chance to talk to Colin. They’d got happily tipsy and pissed themselves laughing over the truly cringe-worthy first dance the happy couple had specially choreographed for the occasion. Bell had spent much of the night trying to convince him to hit the dance floor with her, but he was content to watch everyone else go at it, so they’d bonded by making full use of the free alcohol and got steadily drunker from the sidelines. Finally, she’d managed to pull Colin on to the dance floor near the end of the evening and he’d proved himself to be a surprisingly good mover once the alcohol had warmed up his hips. But after one song, he was done and drifted back to the table. Bell had joined the throngs for ‘Come On Eileen’, then, red-faced, sweaty and high on adrenaline, had bounded over to Colin and kissed him squarely on the lips. He hadn’t taken much persuading to respond, and they’d spent the next half an hour snogging like teenagers.
The bride had of course been delighted that her matchmaking had paid off and made Bell promise that whichever guy called and eventually asked her to be his wife, she would be chief bridesmaid.
As she ate her way through her hangover the next day, Bell had decided Joel seemed the most fun of the two guys, if she had to choose between them, especially since she’d never been out with such a muscle man before and she quite fancied checking out his six-pack. She’d been a little disappointed when it was Colin who had called that evening and asked her to go for a drink. But he was so nice on the phone that, feeling sorry for him, she’d agreed she’d meet him that Friday night, thinking s
he’d cancel if Joel phoned her too. He didn’t.
Five days later Bell had rocked up at the Bull’s Head, not really expecting much from her second choice of date. So she’d been pleasantly surprised and then pleasantly happy when they’d re-enacted their wedding kissing a couple of beers later. And the rest was history. Well, it was definitely history now, anyway.
The doorbell rang and Bell stuffed the last of her cheese on toast into her mouth and glanced at her watch. It was so like Colin to be there ten minutes before they’d agreed. She felt very strange opening the door of their house to him.
‘Colin, you’re here. Early,’ she said.
‘Bell, nice to see you,’ he replied and walked into the hall. Bell had no idea what the etiquette was for greeting an ex, especially one who seemed to have moved on embarrassingly quickly from their ten-year relationship. But thankfully Col didn’t lean in for either a perfunctory kiss or matey hug and instead strode through to the lounge and pulled out a tape measure like he owned the place. Which he did. Although only half of it and not for much longer, Bell sincerely hoped.
‘How’s Tina?’ Bell blurted out before her brain could tell her mouth to act cool.
Colin looked at her warily. ‘So you heard, then?’
It took all Bell’s determination not to spit ‘I could hardly miss the news thanks to that photo!’, and instead merely raise her eyebrows at him.
‘Yeah, we’re going out now,’ Colin said with a self-satisfied smile. She willed her face to remain expressionless as he smugly added, ‘I mean, we’re boyfriend and girlfriend.’
‘Congratulations,’ Bell deadpanned. ‘Sounds like you’ve been busy.’
‘Yeah, work’s been crazy with the start of the new tax year. We’re pulling all-nighters at the moment. Hopefully the bonus at the end of it will make it all worthwhile, though,’ he laughed.
Bell suddenly wondered why she had never noticed the weird hee-haw sound Colin made when he found something funny, and she shuddered as he continued to bray to himself.
He looked up from typing the measurements of the sofa into his phone and said, ‘It looks bigger in here than I remember, even before I move the sofa. Thankfully it will fit in the van I’ve got outside, so that’s a relief. You won’t know what to do with all the space once that’s gone, though, will you?’
‘I’m sure I can find something to fill it,’ Bell smiled through gritted teeth. Despite the swirl of rage and – if she was honest – disgust building inside her, she resolved to take charge and be the grown-up in the situation. ‘You mentioned you wanted to talk face to face, but I think the money side is best left to our lawyers, don’t you agree?’
‘I just want us both to get a fair deal, Bell,’ Colin said, tilting his head to one side and looking concerned. He quickly straightened up again and began playing with one of the cushions on the sofa. ‘But that’s not what I wanted to talk about, actually. It’s about me and Tina.’
Bell stared at him. ‘I’m not sure I need to know the details of “you and Tina”, to be honest.’
‘I just thought you should know. We’re not just girlfriend and boyfriend, we’re living together.’
‘That was quick!’ she replied, her eyebrows almost hitting her hairline. ‘I guess that’s double congratulations for you then. Unless there’s something else you want to tell me?’
‘What? Oh god, no, Tina’s not pregnant, definitely not.’ Colin shook his head vigorously. Bell idly mused that his shocked expression was pretty pathetic considering he was the one breaking the news to her.
‘Well, good, as long as you’re happy,’ she said stiffly. ‘I’ll be in the kitchen if you want to move your things.’ She glanced at the large transit van parked outside and suddenly had an awful thought. ‘Tina’s not out there waiting to help you load the sofa into the van, is she?’
‘Of course not! Matt’s here to help me, don’t worry.’
Bell didn’t reply but sidled off into the kitchen and spent the next half an hour moving stuff around in one of the kitchen cupboards, pretending to tidy things up.
A little while later, Colin stuck his head round the kitchen door. ‘Bell? I think we’re done.’
‘Great, well, hope you’ve got everything?’
He came into the room so they were separated by only the kitchen island. ‘Look, Bell, I’m really sorry things turned out the way they did. I never wanted to hurt you,’ he added in his most heartfelt voice. ‘But it was the right thing to do. For both of us.’
Bell summoned the last of her strength and raised her head to meet his eyes. ‘You’re right, it was.’
They stood in silence for what seemed an interminable length of time but was probably just a few seconds, before Colin said, ‘I’ll see myself out, then. Take care, Bell.’
As the front door closed behind him, Bell felt all the emotion she’d been pushing down inside for the past half an hour rise up into her throat, and suddenly she was sobbing. She cried for the two twenty-somethings kissing like teenagers in the pub on their first date. She cried for the two thirty-somethings sitting on the faux-leather sofa watching a box set and barely speaking or touching each other but not knowing how to fix it. She cried for their past and for what might have been their future. But most of all she cried for her thirty-nine-year-old, single self.
*
‘Did you have a good Easter?’ Suze asked when she strode into the office the following day.
‘If you mean did I spend Sunday gorging on more chocolate than both my niece and nephew put together – a hell of a feat I can tell you – then, yes, I did, thank you!’ Bell replied with a smile. ‘Did you and Els have a nice time at your parents’?’ Weirdly, she’d slept really well after yesterday’s crying session and felt more refreshed and clear-headed than she had in weeks.
‘You look different,’ Suze said suspiciously. ‘That floral tea-dress looks very pretty on you and there’s something about you today. You haven’t had a shag, have you?’
‘Suze!’
‘What? Well, if you’ve not spent the whole weekend with a hot man why do you look so sparkly?’
‘I had a lovely time with Cosette and the kids and then Colin came round for his stuff, which wasn’t that pleasant but I’ll fill you in on that later. And I went swimming at the community centre and made a new friend.’
‘A new male friend?’
‘No! Actually it’s Millie.’
‘Millie? Who’s Millie?’
‘@mi_bestlife to you.’
‘Ooh, well now, tell me everything! Did you confess you’d been stalking her?’
‘I absolutely, definitely haven’t been stalking her, whatever you say. I’ve just seen her around a few times. And, no, I didn’t mention that to her. She’s really nice and we had fun chatting. And her son is so cute. We’re going for a drink on Saturday, in fact.’
‘You’re going for a drink with her son?’
‘Suze. He is five years old. No, I asked Millie if she wanted to go for a glass of wine together as Wolf is with his dad at the weekend.’
‘Hasn’t she got loads of friends her own age to go out with? No offence, obv.’
‘She’s not that much younger than me – only about eight or nine years. And, no, I think she’s a bit lonely. She doesn’t have any friends or family nearby.’
‘Oh. I always get the feeling on social media that she’s got loads of mates and hangs out with all the cool people.’
‘The wonders of Instagram, eh? You can literally live whatever life you want. Or pretend to, anyway.’
‘I don’t do any pretending on Insta. Although I did nearly kill my mum in real life over the weekend.’
‘Oh god, was she being a nightmare again?’
‘She just kept doing The Face whenever me and Els held hands in public or even looked at each other. It wasn’t as if we were snogging in the street or anything – I know that if we did, Mum would feel she could never show her face in the neighbourhood again!’
‘I
thought she’d got a bit better about things?’
‘She has. To a point. It’s fine when we’re inside and she doesn’t have to keep up the pretence to the neighbours that her daughter has brought her “friend” home for the weekend. But whenever we were out and met anyone she knew, she couldn’t possibly refer to Els as my “girlfriend”. Can you imagine the scandal! Seriously, it’s all getting a bit boring now. Anyway, I didn’t murder my mother and we all had a nice weekend, so, you know, it could have been worse. Are you going to tell Ciara and Joe about your new BFF? Your stock is about to go up in this office, let me tell you!’
‘No, definitely not. And Millie is not my BFF. Although, if you keep going on about her, you might find yourself relegated to the bottom of the friendship league. Is it time for one of those coffees you make so expertly yet?’
‘Flattery will get you everywhere, Bellster. Two cups of Suzie Special coming up. Although, hold on, did you say Colin came round for his stuff? As in, you were there too? And? How did it go?’
‘Make me that coffee and I’ll give you all the gory details.’
That afternoon, in between emails and meetings, Bell found a few minutes to message Ben. She’d been struggling with their current photography project, mainly, she had to admit, because she hadn’t given it as much thought as she would normally, what with going to Cosette’s over Easter and dealing with Colin. But also because she just couldn’t get her head round the technicalities. And she was already late sending her ‘blurry but in a good way’ picture (what did that even mean?) to Sheila.
Hi Ben, hope you had a lovely Easter. This is a bit of an SOS I’m afraid – I need help! With my photography, I mean *smiley face emoji* Don’t suppose you have a handy cheat sheet that will explain blur (not the band, obv, I know everything there is to know about Damon and Alex from years of staring at posters of them on my wall) and make this week’s homework less painful? Yours, in hope, Bell x