by Claire Frost
Within a few minutes, her phone notified her Ben had WhatsApped her back.
Lovely to hear from you, Bell. I had a fairly quiet Easter as I was in the office most of the time trying to get this deal sewn up (I won’t bore you with the long and tedious details, but by tomorrow night hopefully both our client and my boss will be happy and I can have a nice lie-down). Of course I’m always happy to help with an SOS situation. Annoyingly, I can’t get away from the office this evening, otherwise I’d suggest me popping over to yours (I could check out those Blur posters while I’m there) or for you to bring your camera to the pub (god knows I could do with a drink to get through this deal), but I can talk you through a few pointers over email maybe if you think that would help? Just let me know. Yours, at your service, Ben x
Hmm, your work sounds like quite a big deal (see what I did there?!) at the moment, so if you can’t spare the time to talk me through non-Britpop-related blur, do not worry. I will take my mauling from Sheila with good grace. But if you did have a minute to send me a step-by-step guide to perfecting it (a bit like when you let your mate at school copy your homework, but not quite as bad?), then I would be sure to return the favour in the future. In fact, I’ve just had a thought. My photographer friend Ade invited me to help him at a fashion shoot on Friday afternoon next week to learn about camera stuff – do you think you could sneak off work and come too? He’s brilliant and properly knows his stuff, and you could totally geek out with him about aperture or whatever. What do you think? Yours, in excited anticipation, B x
I prefer my friends non-mauled, so I am going to write you that email right now. And I can’t think of a better way to spend a Friday afternoon than learning about camera stuff with you, so I’m in – as long as Ade doesn’t mind me tagging along? Although I’m going to be at a serious disadvantage as I don’t know the first thing about fashion shoots. I’m going to have to think very hard about what to wear. Do I go for I’m-so-cool-I-just-rolled-out-of-bed-like-this nonchalance or I’m-so-fashion-forward-I’m-totally-setting-a-new-trend-in-this-shell-suit-I wore-as-a-teenager-in-the-nineties casualness? Decisions, decisions . . .
‘What’s so funny?’ Bell looked up to see Suze staring at her curiously. ‘You’ve been glued to your phone for the last fifteen minutes giggling to yourself. Come on, share the joke.’
‘It’s just Cosette telling me about what the kids got up to today,’ Bell covered quickly. Her friend gave her a look that said ‘I don’t believe you but I’m not quite sure why’ so Bell smiled angelically back at her and opened a spreadsheet.
*
She kept her promise to herself and braved the pool again on Saturday afternoon. She wasn’t sure she’d ever get used to the shock of the icy water as she lowered herself into the water, but once she was in and moving, she found she relished stretching her limbs out and kicking her way up and down. And even when it began drizzling, she didn’t care – somehow swimming in the outdoors in the rain felt liberating. She’d arranged to meet Millie in town so she made sure she had enough time to go home first as she didn’t fancy getting ready for her night out in the changing room with its peeling mirrors and old-school hairdryers that looked like a ‘have you had an accident that wasn’t your fault?’ injury waiting to happen.
Back home, she debated what to wear for a drink with a fashionista. Jeans and a black top felt too boring even dressed up with heels, but a going-out dress felt too, well, dressy. Her phone pinged with a message from Suze.
Send me a picture of what you’re wearing.
I’m currently not wearing anything except my underwear, so no.
I hope it’s matching!
Suze. Just tell me what to wear.
I like that dress you wore the other day. But lose the clompy black boots. What about those embroidered flats you bought – try them and send me a pic.
Bell did as her friend suggested and Suze sent a message full of thumbs-up emojis.
Now do that smoky eye I taught you and go all out with your lippy. And don’t forget to have fun! Lots of love x
She’d attached an image of her and Els blowing her a kiss. Bell grinned and did as she was told, then grabbed her bag and pulled the front door closed behind her.
She got to the bus stop just as a double-decker was pulling in, and as she sat looking out of the window at the setting sun, Bell suddenly realised she’d barely thought about Colin all day. Instead her head had been filled with swimming, looking forward to seeing her new friend that evening, and all the things she’d learned that week about photography. Thanks to Ben’s bullet-pointed email, she’d been able to produce a passable photo for that week’s class and Sheila had barely mauled her at all. She’d even managed to get a decent shot for this week’s homework in the bag, plus she had the shoot with Ade to look forward to, so her head was full of shutter speeds and ISO settings.
She got off the bus and snapped the dusky sky as it began to turn from a light fluffy pink to a deep orangey red. Her iPhone was fine, but it was a shame she didn’t have her DSLR with her, she thought. It would have made the perfect shot for the theme of ‘colour’ that the class had been set this week.
She walked into the bar, looked around for Millie and, realising she was first to arrive, decided she might as well order a bottle of wine and two glasses and bagsy the spare booth she’d spotted near the back. She messaged Millie to let her know where to find her and poured two generous glasses of ice-cold Pinot Grigio. She sipped her drink as daintily as she could, but twenty minutes later there was still no sign of Millie or even a message from her.
She messaged Suze, along with a picture of the wine bottle, her empty glass and the remaining full one.
I’m worried I’ve been stood up . . . *big eyes emoji*
Ha, it’s like you’re on a date! Although that means more wine for you if she doesn’t come! Though I bet she’s just running late. Have you done a sweep of the bar for any hot men?
No, I’m mostly staring into my wine like a loser. Actually, I think she’s just walked in! Speak later xx
‘Bell, I’m so so sorry!’ cried Millie, red in the face and flustered. ‘I, well, I’d like to say I have a better excuse than falling asleep in the bath, but, erm, I don’t. Shit, have you been waiting long?’
‘Don’t worry, you’re here now,’ Bell smiled. ‘Here you go – cheers!’ They clinked glasses and, seeing Millie still looked worried despite gulping down half her wine in one go, Bell topped her up and added, ‘I’m not sure there is a better excuse than falling asleep in the bath, to be fair. Lying immersed in warm bubbles surrounded by scented candles is my idea of bliss and guaranteed to make me start snoozing immediately.’
‘I’m usually more of a shower girl, but as I had a childfree house for once I decided to treat myself. Obviously I was more tired than I thought. Anyway, glossing over my lateness, did you go swimming today?’
‘Yes!’ Bell replied proudly. ‘I swam forty lengths and only shivered a few times. Fingers crossed we have a nice summer this year and I’ll be there every day. Well, maybe not every day, but a lot, anyway.’
‘If Wolfie had his way, he’d be there with you! Though I’m still to be convinced about the joys of outdoor swimming.’
‘You won’t be saying that when it’s thirty degrees and you’re watching me cooling off in the pool,’ Bell grinned. ‘That’s if I haven’t had to move house by then.’ She swirled her wine round in the glass. ‘My ex is being difficult about me buying him out. Urgh! Sorry, even calling him my “ex” sounds weird to my brain.’
‘Hmm, that sounds complicated. Presumably he doesn’t want to live in the house himself, so why is he kicking up a fuss? Or is he just being a man?’
‘Ha! Though I don’t think all men are necessarily obstructive about these things.’
‘Just the ones we know, right? Thankfully, Louis owned our house outright, so when Wolf and I moved out we didn’t have much to split between us – it was all his to start with. But after ten years you two obviously have a lot
to sort out.’
‘Yes, I s’pose so, but all the more reason to be human to each other about it, I think. According to Colin, he just wants to make sure it’s as fair as possible and he’s getting “the best return on his investment”. It makes our relationship sound like some kind of financial transaction and not like we spent ten years loving and caring for each other.’
‘You must be finding it hard trying to move on after all that time together.’
‘Yes,’ Bell confessed. ‘Though when I’m feeling more practical than emotional, I can see that, actually, it’s the best thing that could have happened. Of course, I didn’t think that in the beginning and instead drank myself into a miserable stupor. But now I’ve had a few months to get used to the idea, I can see that Colin was much braver than me and saying he wanted us to split up was actually the kindest thing he ever did for me. Sure, we could have stayed together for another ten years, but it would have been out of laziness on my part. Three months down the line and I’m starting to work out who I am without Colin by my side. Well, some of the time, anyway. The rest of the time, I’ve been a sobbing mess. But, you know, small steps.’
‘Well, you’d never know you’d just been through a huge break-up – you seem so together and sorted, and clearly you know what you want from life,’ Millie said.
Bell laughed heartily, though inwardly she was both amazed and pleased that Millie had told her that, even if she didn’t really believe her. ‘You wouldn’t have said that three months ago, I assure you! My friend Suze had to stage an intervention as I didn’t leave the house in weeks, except to go to work. But you know what it’s like when you just need to hibernate away from everyone. And I was lucky that we didn’t have kids – I can’t imagine how much harder it is when there are children to think about. How long ago did you break up with Louis?’
‘Nearly two and a half years ago now. It was tough at the time, but knowing it was the right decision for me – and Wolf – kept me going.’
‘God, it still must have been scary to essentially be a single mum in your twenties having to start again somewhere new, especially after being in a relationship with someone famous.’
‘Semi-famous – he’s hardly Gareth Bale! But, yes, it was a weird time. Wolf wasn’t planned and, despite the fact there was no way I was going to have a termination, neither of us were in any way ready to have a baby. But there we were in our mid-twenties with a newborn and no idea what we were doing. Louis had his football to concentrate on, of course, so he’d either be at training, away playing a match or out “bonding” with the lads, so I kind of had to get on with it on my own. Until one day I woke up and realised I actually couldn’t.’
‘Why, what happened?’
‘A classic case of thinking the way I was feeling was just the baby blues when really I was in the grips of pretty severe post-natal depression. I didn’t have much of a support network around me so it wasn’t until I took Wolfie to the GP for his jabs when he was about four months old, and the nurse asked me how I was feeling, that suddenly it all came tumbling out. I felt guilty and like a failure, I was barely sleeping and had no energy, and I was still bursting into tears more often than little Wolfie himself. Thankfully, the GP was great and she gave me loads of information about local support groups, which I found massively helpful. I think they gave me an outlet to talk to someone who understood how I was feeling, and things started to get a bit better. My relationship with Louis was really fragile by that point, then I found out he couldn’t keep it in his pants and it was kind of the death knell for anything we had left.
‘Anyway, I promised myself I wasn’t going to go off on one this evening, and we do seem to have been far too serious so far, sorry. Shall I grab us another bottle as we seem to have made short work of this one? And shall I order a few bar snacks to soak some of it up a bit?’
‘Ha! I think I may have got a bit carried away – I’ve never been very good at sipping wine slowly!’ Bell laughed. ‘So, yes, another bottle and some chips or something would be great. And, Millie, you absolutely were not going on before. I’m glad you’re able to talk about what you went through, it must have been awful on your own with a tiny baby feeling like that. But look at you and Wolf now. You’re obviously a great mum.’
‘Until he has a massive tantrum, and then I’m very much a reach-for-the-wine mum! Speaking of which, I’ll be back armed with more vino in a sec.’
When their glasses had been refilled and they were happily stuffing their mouths with triple-cooked chips fried in duck fat and served liberally sprinkled with sea salt, Bell remarked, ‘These are yummy, though they should be for seven quid! I do like this bar, but it does slightly have ideas above its station, doesn’t it?’
‘You should see some of the places I used to go to in Birmingham with Louis. It was hilarious because all the footballers went to these properly posh Michelin-star type restaurants, but most of them, Louis included, were just lads who’d grown up in normal towns with parents who read the Sun, worked in Tesco and ate egg and chips for their tea. Suddenly, this whole lifestyle of Veuve Cliquot, truffled eggs and sous-vide potatoes was handed to them on a plate and they didn’t know what to do with it. Once we went to this gorgeous restaurant that had got amazing reviews and everyone was talking about, but when they served the escabeche of beetroot with horseradish crumble or whatever it was, Louis just looked scared and hardly ate anything. He was happier having a takeaway from the local Chinese, but he had all this money so he felt he had to spend it on meals out, even if it meant he went hungry.’
‘It’s a different world.’ Bell shook her head. ‘And I bet it was a bit of a sea change when you split up and moved down here.’
‘It was kind of nice, though,’ Millie confessed. ‘I was never at home with marble bathrooms and gold taps – again, Louis felt like he had to live up to this footballer lifestyle all his teammates were showing off about, so he did too. It was nice to move into a house I felt comfortable in. And Wolfie was too little to really notice. I missed being able to buy him cute designer outfits, but H&M kids is a thousandth of the price and just as nice really, especially as he seems to grow out of everything the minute I buy it!’
‘It’s scary how quickly they grow up, isn’t it? God, listen to me, I sound nearly eighty not forty!’
‘I can’t believe you’re nearly forty,’ Millie smiled.
‘I know, sometimes I can’t either. But then other times I feel every one of those forty years.’ Bell took a sip of her wine. ‘I hope you don’t mind me asking, but doesn’t Louis pay you maintenance for Wolfie? He might not play in the Premiership anymore, but he must be making shitloads still? Sorry, that’s the wine talking, you def don’t have to answer that,’ Bell added, taking another slug from her glass.
‘It’s lucky that I’ve drunk just as much as you then, isn’t it! Yes, he’s supposed to pay me a fair amount each week, but if I get one payment a month I think I’m doing well. I don’t think there’s anything malicious in it, I actually think he just forgets he has a son sometimes.’ She grimaced. ‘I can see exactly what you’re thinking from your face, and yes, I should probably get some legal advice and put some proper agreements in place at some point.’
‘I’d be milking him for everything’s he’s got if I was you!’ burst out Bell, unable to swallow her indignance any longer. ‘You should definitely see a lawyer.’
‘I know. It’s just I don’t want to be beholden to him. We’re doing okay without his money, it’s fine,’ Millie replied defiantly.
‘That’s great if you are, but Wolfie was talking about being careful with money at the pool the other day, wasn’t he? And it sounds like you’re struggling for cash a bit. Louis must be rolling in it and his money could make all the difference to you.’ Aware she definitely wouldn’t be saying half of what she’d just come out with if it weren’t for the best part of a bottle of wine, Bell softened her tone and reached across to touch Millie’s hand. ‘Sorry, don’t listen to me, I don’
t know the whole situation, obviously, and who am I to be telling you what to do? The main thing is that Wolf is happy and that you are too.’
‘You haven’t said anything I don’t really know myself, to be honest,’ Millie sighed. ‘I’m just not sure I have the energy to fight Louis anymore.’ There was a pause as she stared into the distance for a few seconds and then continued quietly, ‘I guess I’m scared that if I make a fuss about the money, he’ll try to take Wolf away from me. And I can’t let that happen.’
‘Why would he do that? He must know what a good mum you are – just look how happy Wolf is for a start.’
‘Well, he wasn’t exactly supportive about my PND. He used to joke that I’d had a breakdown or was cracking up. I just can’t take the risk that he might use that against me and fight for sole custody.’
‘That’s so unfair!’ Bell cried. ‘Christ, you’re the one who’s almost single-handedly brought Wolf up. Seriously, Millie, you need to get some legal advice and make sure the bastard can’t do that.’ She took a breath. ‘But let’s save that for another, more sober day, maybe. Have I told you about the hilarious people in my photography class? They’re quite an eclectic mix.’
Millie gave her a grateful look and soon Bell had her in hysterics with her descriptions of Sheila, Rita, Tony and co.
‘Ben sounds like a nice guy . . .’ Millie said a little later.
‘Don’t you start, too! He is lovely, yes,’ Bell nodded, smiling as she remembered their WhatsApp conversation a few days before. ‘But Suze is convinced we’re going to be the biggest love story this country has ever seen, not that she’s ever met him, of course. You’d love Suze, you know. She’s less scary than Laura, though I think you’d get on with her too, once you’ve got past her frightening exterior, anyway. But Suze is brilliant. I’m not sure what I’d have done without her the past few months.’ The wine was making Bell a bit emotional, and she could feel her eyes filling up.