If It Makes You Happy

by Claire Kann

  Taking my time, I told her what happened from the beginning, starting with when Granny had pushed me in Dr. Skinner’s office, how she had yelled at me and kicked me out because of what happened. That tied into the diet, how she tried to control and monitor what I ate, and how she refused to listen to me when I tried to explain how she was making me feel.

  I jumped ahead then, mentioning the silent treatments before talking about the woman in Goldeen’s who tried to make me feel like I was beneath her and worthless, why I stood up for myself and Goldeen’s honor.

  Kara returned, sitting next to me, wordlessly holding my hand while I talked about my last conversation with Granny—how unfair it felt to be written up, how helpless and ignored I felt as I sat there, how confused and angry I was when she changed the subject to Winston. My resulting anger. How fast I had packed. How unloved I began to feel. How disposable.

  All of it poured out of me in a cathartic rush. It was like a curtain lifting to let the sunlight in to expose all of the dark corners I had avoided out of fear. My perfect summer in Goldeen’s with my granny had been tainted by disappointment and betrayal and hurt. There’d always been a balance before with Granny—maybe more good than bad. Or maybe I had convinced myself that was the case.

  “Oh, sweetheart. I’m so sorry.”

  Hearing those words, the pain from the lump in my throat lessened, relaxed to become tears I desperately wanted to cry but held on to.

  My mom continued, “I think it’s time for you to come home.”

  Without thinking, my gaze shifted to Kara, whose eyes were wet with unshed tears, too. She wasn’t a crier either, but if I lost it, so would she. I’d see her again in just a few weeks, but I didn’t want to leave her yet.

  Dallas. I didn’t want to stop spending time with him. Our late nights in the diner, our Royal Engagements, the phone calls—it had been so special to me. It was never going to last forever, but it also wasn’t supposed to end so soon.

  Winston. God, would he even be allowed to compete if I wasn’t here? And even if he could, I wanted to be there for it. Front row and center with Dallas and Sam, cheering for him and Kara. His first big moment doing something he loved in a competition he wanted to be in.

  “I don’t want to,” I whispered.

  My mom sighed. “I know, but I want you to. I don’t want to make you. I want you to agree to do this for me.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I want my daughter here with me. I want you home.”

  I thought back to the few times my mom had kicked me out, too. Fifteen minutes tops later, she apologized and asked me to forgive her. “Sometimes, I feel like I’ll never escape how I was raised,” she had told me. “My mom did that to me, too—threatened to kick me out, take away the safety and shelter she provided me with when I talked back or was acting ‘too fast.’ I want to be better than her. I want to learn to be better than what I was taught. I try so hard, but those words always jump out of me when I’m angry with you. I don’t mean them. I never mean them.”

  My mom wanted me home. She wanted me. Realizing that, believing in that truth almost made me say yes.

  “I’m sorry she made you feel so terrible,” my mom continued. “I’m sorry I can’t make any of that go away. Your granny is—difficult.” She paused. “I don’t get along with her for a reason, and I’m not going to get into why, but she’s had a hard life. I’m not saying that to excuse what she’s done to you or take her side in this. When people have certain—experiences—that they’re unable to deal with, they can start to lash out at everyone else, even their loved ones. Sometimes, especially their loved ones.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense.”

  “It still happens, sweetie. I’m sorry you had to learn that lesson.”

  Kara placed her head on my shoulder. I didn’t know if she could hear my mom, but I heard her sniffle as she squeezed my hand.

  “I know I’m not like the best kid ever, but why would she say that about Winston? He’s never done anything wrong. Why would she try to make me do that?”

  “Because you didn’t listen to her. Because your dad and I were fine with Winston being in that contest; she thinks we spoil you, which is ridiculous.”

  I laughed in disbelief, joking, “But you wouldn’t even get me that pony I wanted.”

  Kara chuckled, too, vibrating against my shoulder.

  “Your granny can’t see the difference between us encouraging you to be your own person and letting you run wild. To be clear, I don’t like what you did. She told you the answer was no and you went against that.”

  “I know.”

  “But. I understand why you did it because I understand you and it was such a Winnie thing to do. I couldn’t be mad at you for wanting to do something nice for your brother. Not once I saw how happy you’d made him. I just couldn’t. I can’t.” She laughed, breathy and resigned. “Maybe I am an enabler.”

  “Did she call you that?”

  “No. Your dad did.”

  “Are you mad at me, too?” I asked him. He’d been silent this whole time, but I knew he was there. They’d always liked to talk to me together.

  “I don’t think ‘mad’ is the right word,” my mom said. “Hold on.”

  The line went silent, but the call didn’t drop. She muted me. While I waited, I said to Kara, “You don’t have to stay. Finish baking.”

  “I’m okay. Unless you want me to go?”

  I didn’t. My mom and her infallible mom magic had made me feel better. Having Kara at my side made me feel best.

  “Winnie.” He said my name in a flat monotone.

  “Hi, Dad.”

  “You’re coming home.”

  Deep breath. In and out. “Can I at least stay for the contest? If Kara’s parents let me stay here, I mean. I’m not going back to Granny’s.”

  “They will,” Kara whispered.

  “I should tell you no.” My dad never sighed—he was more of the grumbling type. “You’re a good kid, and I love you. But you need to stop testing my patience, Winnie. You truly do.”

  “I’m sorry.” This was harder on him than it was for my mom. He couldn’t stay neutral, but he also couldn’t take a side. I wanted him to be on mine, though. I would never ask, but I still wanted it anyway.

  “You don’t have a malicious bone in your body,” he said. “Everything you do, right and wrong, comes straight from your heart. I gotta learn how to remember that. That’s on me, not you.” Another grumble. That one turned into a reluctant growl. “And that’s on my mom, too. She swears up and down you do it to torture her. I know that’s not true, but no matter what I say, she’s gonna believe what she wants, and that’s all there is to it.”

  I wanted to tell him thank you. Surprise had made the ache in my jaw come back, and I couldn’t move my mouth to form the words. I had never heard my dad say anything like that about me. That’s exactly how I felt inside. I called myself evil and supervillain all the time not because I wanted to hurt people, but because I would do anything for them. My moral compass was messed up because it ran on unconditional love. To be seen, really seen by my dad of all people, made my heart feel like it would explode.

  “You’re leaving the same night of that contest,” he said, words nearly blending together from speaking so fast. “Your butt will be on that plane, in your seat, no excuses. Is that clear?”

  “Yeah.” My voice broke around the word, feeling finally cracking open like a dropped egg, tears splattering on my cheeks. “Thank you. For everything.”

  Thirty-Eight

  If the Haven Central masses knew about my falling out with Granny and shacking up with Kara as a result, no one had said anything to my face.

  Dallas and I had just finished our latest Royal Engagement, a little event called Haven Central Toastmasters. Five minutes in, I called shenanigans for false advertisement—it had nothing to do with bread.

  That joke had made Dallas laugh. Let it never be said that I didn’t own my cheesiness
.

  For our portion, we had to talk about how being Haven Summer Royalty had impacted our public speaking skills. Unsurprisingly, I had a lot to say.

  “Where to?” Dallas asked as we left the town hall together. I would always love seeing him in his crown. It twinkled in the growing nighttime, reflecting the lights from the lampposts. His curls stuck out around the bottom, forced down and brushing the tips of his ears. “Do you need to take a nap before your shift tonight?”

  He hadn’t mentioned anything about my disappearing act either, but that didn’t mean he didn’t know.

  “Actually, no.” I turned right, leading him toward Winter Wonderland Books. The heat wasn’t nearly as intense as it had been when the meeting began—bearable but still sweat-inducing.

  “Ah.” He regarded me out of the corner of his eye, saying nothing else.

  “Jerk.” The worried half-smile gave him dead away. “You could’ve said something.”

  “Or I could’ve waited for you to bring it up like the gentleman that I am.”

  I tossed a playful glare in his direction before scrunching my nose and smiling. It was easy to do that, pretending like a bomb hadn’t gone off inside of me. Everything was fine. My parents weren’t angry. Winston was happy. But there I was feeling hollowed out and desolate. Lost. Nothing felt right. If I spent too much time alone, the emptiness would start speaking to me, telling me to just call her, to go there, to make it right.

  “I’m sure you’ve heard the gist of it,” I told him. “We fought. I lost. Life goes on.”

  “And you’re okay?”

  “Not particularly.”

  Dallas wrapped an arm around my shoulder. I leaned into him, curving an arm around his waist, and we walked together. Was it creepy to want to bottle his scent? I’d never been a scent-based person, but every now and again, one would hit my nose exactly the right way. Miss Jepson and her lemons always made me feel relaxed. Kara always smelled like vanilla—not the perfume kind, the baking extract one—and made me feel like cloud nine was a real place.

  My parents simply smelled like home. It was the only scent I was never able to describe perfectly.

  With Dallas, at first, I didn’t think it was more than detergent on his clothes mixed with his natural scent. I could always ask him what kind he used, but I knew it wouldn’t be the same. God help me if I ever got near his pillows.

  Yep. Creepy.

  Reaching up, I took off my crown, so I didn’t accidentally stab him with it and snuggled closer.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.

  “I don’t. I’m tired of being sad and talking about it.” I wanted to be sad in solitude. I’d earned these punishing feelings. It wasn’t right to shove them off on other people. “Talking about it isn’t going to change anything.”

  “Got it.” He kissed the top of my forehead.

  “No, don’t do that.” I cringed. “I’m sweating.”

  “Ehh, it’s fine.” He grinned at me as I pouted up at him. “I’m going to kiss you if you keep looking at me like that.”

  “Okay.” I willed my pouting to intensify.

  Dallas laughed, enthusiastic enough for me to feel it through his chest. He leaned down and kissed me twice quickly and lingered on a third. Fun fact: walking and kissing at the same time wasn’t as easy as movies made it seem. I’d fall on my face before I pulled away, though. I had zero shame when it came to kissing him.

  We didn’t have an official title yet. My best guess was we had landed somewhere in between summer fling and full-on dating. Sort of a wholehearted test run while we grew more familiar with each other—mainly, while he tried to get used to Kara.

  Once we arrived at the bookstore, I showed him the not-so-super-secret alleyway we used to enter in the back.

  “You’re staying with Kara for the rest of the summer, then?”

  “Not exactly.” I climbed the steps and looked back over my shoulder. “Come up. You are expected, my dear gentleman.”

  Dallas stayed at the bottom of the stairs. “I don’t know about this.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I know I said I would try, and I am, but this is her house. Maybe we could go somewhere a little less uncomfortable for me?”

  “Oh.” I hurried back down, stopping on the bottom step. “It’s not just Kara. Winston and Sam are there, too. We’re going to hang out, and I thought you could join us. I’m sorry, I should’ve asked first.”

  “That would be helpful.” Not a hint of a smile could be found anywhere on his face. “It would give me time to prepare not to be an asshole on purpose.”

  “You’re not.”

  “I can be when I don’t like someone.” He blew out a frustrated huff of air. “I appreciate what she said at the drive-in, but it’s not that easy for me. I want to believe her because you do. I just don’t see it. And I know the only way to see it is to be around her, which I really don’t want to do, but I want to be around you so I have to deal with it and this is a little stressful for me because I don’t want it to turn into some big unnecessary thing. I want it to work. My brain won’t shut up long enough to let that happen.”

  My smile had to have been criminal. Like, I’d just pulled off a major bank heist and was on my way to a country that didn’t extradite to the US. “I’m so happy to hear you say that.” I couldn’t help it—I did a little celebratory getting-away-with-a-felony shimmy.

  “Okay? I don’t—I didn’t—what?”

  I sent up a special shout-out to whoever came up with the idea of stairs, because from where I stood, Dallas and I were the same height. I reached out, took his face in my hands and kissed him. Never one to disappoint, he kissed me back, warm hands resting on my waist, and I let my fingers find and twist in the curls at the base of his neck.

  “Because of this,” I said, coming up for air. His cheeks had flushed slightly, and he stared at me, looking happy, but confused. “You. I love this stuff. You being honest with me about how you’re feeling so we can tackle it head-on.”

  The most wonderfully perplexed grin spread across his face. “But whenever you’re honest with me, you say it’s gross.”

  “Have I said that to you lately?”

  He thought about it. “I don’t think so?”

  “That means I trust you. Well, I want to trust you.” I rubbed my nose against his quickly. “I feel like—like I knew you’d fit in with us because I thought you were looking for the same thing we had. I tell her everything. There’s nothing I can’t trust her with. I don’t hesitate to get naked and bare my soul to her.”

  “Metaphorically?” he joked.

  “Stop.” I laughed. “I’m serious. That first night when you came to the diner, you said you thought I could be someone who could understand you. For me, this is that.” I lowered my voice, looking into his eyes. “This is how that starts.”

  “Yeah.” He blinked too hard, gaze landing downward on my lips, but he didn’t kiss me. “Whenever we talked it was so weird because we were always on the same wavelength. No matter what you said, I just understood.” He rolled his eyes. “When my mom said I talked about you all the time, that’s what she meant. I was trying to figure this out, and I asked because I’m stupid and like pain and being embarrassed. She came up with the wavelength thing.”

  When he spoke, it was almost a whisper, low and rushed, as if he only wanted the words to exist between us. They weren’t for anyone else. They were ours.

  I tried to match him in that. “I’m only like that with Kara. The fact that I want to feel that way about you really means something to me. I’m not talking about romance and dating, although for the record, I definitely, definitely want that with you.” I paused to let him know I was serious. If I could, I would have made the word GIRLFRIEND flash in my eyes. “I’m talking about a genuine connection with another person. Something meaningful and lasting.”

  He bit his lip, pulling back slightly. “You are—intense.”

  “I’m aware. I have very high expectations an
d refuse to settle.”

  “Jesus, help me, but I am so into it.” He laughed, looking away from me but smiling. “Wow. How did you end up like this? You’re going to ruin me.”

  “Or we could be ridiculously happy together. It could go either way, really. The fun part is finding out which one will win.”

  “Okay.” He exhaled nodding and then kissed me. “This made me feel better. In the future, I would still like a Kara-warning. But I’m good for right now. Let’s go.”

  Upstairs, I used the spare key I’d been given. “Shoes off.” I pointed to the shoe rack and then led him to Kara’s room. “Knock, knock.”

  “Took you long enough,” Winston said, sitting at the foot of Kara’s bed, while Kara and Sam sat at the top.

  “Hi, Dallas,” Sam chirped.

  Kara waved. “Welcome to my house. This is my room. Please enjoy your stay.”

  “Why are you talking like that?” Winston asked.

  “I don’t know.” She hmphed, staring at the bedspread. “I don’t know.”

  “Uh, thanks for inviting me.” Dallas stiffened at my side, reaching for my hand.

  Yeah, no. This awkwardness wasn’t going to fly. “Okay!” I snapped my fingers. “This feels weird, and I don’t like it! So, let’s skip all of this tension and fake it till we make it, cool beans?”

  “Works for me.” Sam slumped in relief.

  “Me too,” Winston said.

  “Absolutely me three,” Kara said.

  We all looked at Dallas expectantly. I squeezed his hand, cheesing at him.

  “Uh, me four?”

  I shot him with a finger gun. “That’s the spirit! Let’s do this.”

  “Thank God. You two need to learn how to actually whisper. We could hear you outside.” Winston hopped off the bed, rushing past us—but not before giving me a quick, painless flick on the arm. “I’m getting snacks.”

  “I’ll get the drinks!” Sam began to rush after him. “We listened at the kitchen window. Sorry!”

  “Of course.” I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. Kara hadn’t moved when I looked up. “We good?”

  “I’m good.” She looked at Dallas.