Unbeautiful

by Jessica Sorensen

  “Maybe, but if I do, I couldn’t tell you who it is.”

  He closes his eyes and inhales loudly, no longer trying to conceal his frustration. “I can’t help you unless you give me some hints.” His eyelids lift, his pupils scorching fervently. His gaze swallows me up again, confuses me, clouds my head.

  I want...

  I want...

  I want him.

  “A hint? I come from a place like no other, where nothing is what it seems. Everyone has their secrets, and those secrets have followed me.”

  He gapes at me then chuckles. “Did you just tell me a riddle?”

  I lift my shoulder, giving a half-shrug. “You said you wanted a hint. Well, that’s the best I can do.”

  His muscles flex as he moves his arms. “You said where you come from... Were you talking about your family?”

  “Kind of.”

  “What about your brother?”

  “What about him?”

  “You said you haven’t seen him in six months, yet you never said why.”

  “Because I don’t know why.” I sigh, drape my arm over my head, and stare out the window. “There’s just stuff... with my family... that even I don’t understand sometimes. How my parents live their lives... it’s never made sense to me.”

  He remains silent until I look at him, and then his hands glide through the air. “And you think they have something to do with your broken window.”

  My lungs constrict as the air is ripped from my lungs. My breathing is ragged, my chest heaves, and Ryler fully notices, his gaze zeroing in on my breasts. “Or my town. But the two of them... They’re kind of the same, I guess.” I gasp for air, embarrassed that he’s seeing me like this.

  “Hey, Emery.” With great hesitancy, he leans in and cups my cheek. “Everything’s going to be okay,” he mouths.

  “I hope you’re right,” I whisper. To distract myself from the panic, I lean up and press my lips to his.

  And something miraculous happens. I calm down instantly, without medication.

  He hesitates, but only briefly before he begins kissing me back. Our tongues tangle as he leans over me, gently forcing me onto my back. His body covers mine, his arm supports his weight while the other hand travels down my body, across my hips, my breast, then caresses the flesh on my neck.

  I allow my own hands to explore, sliding my fingers up and down his chest before I daringly inch them up the front of his shirt. His muscles tense, and he bites down on my lip, eliciting a groan from me.

  Suddenly, he’s pulling away, but only to kiss a path down my jawline to the hollow of my neck. He licks a trail across my collarbone, and the metal on his tongue grazes my skin and sends heat coiling through my body. His hand grips my thigh, his fingertips pressing down gently as he hitches my leg over his hip. Then he grinds against me, but it feels like I need more. I’m panting, needy, breathless, and more riled up than I’ve ever been.

  “Ryler...” I gasp, tangling my fingers through his hair as his mouth delves downward to the top of my shirt. His other hand slides up my leg and up my shorts. When his fingers brush the edge of my panties, he pauses.

  Not knowing what else to do, I reach down and push his hand up, letting him know what I want, something I’ve never had before. My blood burns with need, desire, and lust as he moves his mouth back up to mine and slips a finger deep inside me.

  My teeth clamp down on his bottom lip, and my fingers glide up his back, my nails digging into the fabric of his shirt. How on earth can this be better than sex? Well, better than sex with Evan.

  Ryler leans back to watch me, like he did last night, while he works his finger in and out. He adds another, tracing circles, driving my body so damn crazy all I can do is scream.

  And holy shit do I scream.

  For the first time ever.

  “Jesus, Emery,” Ryler mouths as he stares down at me in awe. “Was that your... first time doing that?”

  “Yeah.” It’s hard to get air in and out of my lungs. My skin is damp, my legs are tired, and I feel so content inside I don’t know what to do with myself. “I’ve had sex, though. It’s just… well, my boyfriend…” I pause, unsure how to describe the relationship between Evan and me. “He was confused about how foreplay works.”

  A soft laugh escapes Ryler’s lips. He pushes up then grabs my hands and helps me sit up.

  “I’m really curious to find out all your firsts,” he signs with a lopsided grin. “It should be fun.”

  My cheeks heat, but I hold his gaze. “Yeah, me, too.”

  He studies at me a moment longer. “Okay, I think it’s time for another first.”

  “And what’s that?” I ask, my gaze flicking to the hallway, to my bedroom at the end of it, wondering what else we could do if we went back there.

  He rises to his feet, rounds the table, and stops to the side of the sofa, next to where I’m sitting. “We’re going talk to the landlord about your window and make your first official renter’s damage report.” He extends his hand for me to take, grinning.

  I smile back and lace my fingers through his.

  “We probably shouldn’t mention the note, though,” he signs after he helps me to my feet. “We should pretend the brick was just some random thing that happened.”

  I reach for the door knob. “I wasn’t planning on telling anyone that.”

  “Then why did you tell me?” he wonders. “I’m just curious.”

  “I’m not sure.” I pull open the door, and the cool morning breeze gusts inside. “You just seem... like someone I can trust. It’s crazy, because when I first met you, I was kind of afraid of you. You looked really intense, but your looks mean nothing... I mean, you’re gorgeous and everything, but what I meant was...” I trail off as his expression falters. “What’s wrong?”

  “It’s nothing.” He stiffly smiles, tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear, then signs, “You’re gorgeous, too.”

  I’m starting to wonder if he might be keeping something from me. How can I know for sure, though, when I barely know him at all?

  The feeling only increases when I open the door, and he slips out without another word. After I lock up, we trot down the stairs and into the sunlight sparkling from the clear blue sky. When we reach the sidewalk, he pulls out his phone and sends a text message. The phone almost instantly buzzes, announcing an incoming message. He reads it then strangles the phone as he slows to a stop in the middle of the grass. His fingers hammer against the buttons as he types back.

  The process happens about ten times. With each message that comes through, he grows more enraged as he types back. Worried he’s going to explode, I finally decide to say something.

  I gently touch his hand. “Ryler, is everything okay?”

  His gaze darts to me as he jumps back, like if he forgot I was there. He quickly settles down, and his arms lower to his sides. The phone is still clutched in his hand as he studies me with his brows furrowed. Then he peeks over his shoulder at the parking lot.

  “I have to go,” he signs as he looks back at me. “Something came up at work.”

  “Oh. Okay. Yeah, go.” I stuff my hands into my back pockets, trying not to get too upset, but it kind of feels like he’s blowing me off. I back across the grass toward the main building of the apartment complex. “I’ll go tell the landlord what’s up. See you later, maybe?” I start to turn around, but he catches me by the arm, stopping me.

  His fingers unfold from my arm. “I’ll see you in a few hours,” his hands glide through the air. “We have class, remember?” He smiles, but it’s fake.

  So fake.

  Like all the smiles I have ever known.

  “You don’t have to take me if you don’t want to,” I say, hugging my arms around myself as I stare at the grass. See, this is what you get for being so open. No one wants to hear your secrets, Emery. “I mean, I get it. A crazy neighbor girl bringing drama into your life is probably the last thing you want.”

  “I want to drive you to clas
s, Emery,” he presses, dipping his head to meet my gaze. “I swear. I’m only leaving right now because of work.”

  “Okay.” I try to shake off my insecurities the best I can. “Sorry. I just wasn’t sure if I was annoying you or something.”

  His chuckles. “No, you’re not annoying me at all. If anything, you’re doing the exact opposite.” He stuffs the phone into his back pocket. “See you in a bit.” He steps back to leave, but then changes his mind and moves forward instead. The movement is jolting and makes him appear like he’s dancing.

  A giggle slips from my lips, and he smiles genuinely as he regains his footing.

  “Sorry,” he signs, coming at me. Without warning, he kisses me. The kiss is way briefer than the others we’ve shared, just a caress of a butterfly wings on my lips.

  As quick as the kiss began, Ryler is hurrying off, flying toward the carport.

  He passes car after car, striding across the parking lot and out the entrance of the complex. I’m starting to wonder if he takes the bus to work when he makes a sharp veer to the right on the sidewalk and rushes up to a black BMW parked at the end of the street. He pauses as he reaches the back of the car and begins to turn around.

  I quickly duck out if sight. I’m not even sure why, other than I’m worried about Ryler and who is behind the wheel of that car. I’m worried because that car looks exactly like my mother’s.

  What if Ryler is an Evie?

  Evie was my friend for most of middle school, until the day she got mad at me over a guy and outed that she had only been my friend because my parents had forced her to be. I confronted my mother, who denied it. But then I overheard her talking to Evie’s mother about it. They had done it so Evie could report everything I did.

  What if Ryler is another Evie? What if my mother hired him to keep an eye on me while I try my new life in Laramie?

  My stomach drops.

  With as many secrets as I have, I’m starting to wonder if Ryler might have more.

  Chapter 10

  Thou Shall Break

  Emery

  After I report the window to the landlord, I return to my apartment. The window won’t be fixed for a couple of days, so I rip off the top of a box and replace the plastic with it. Then I vacuum up the glass and spend the next couple of hours writing in my notebook to distract myself from thoughts of Ryler possibly being somewhere with my mother.

  What I saw that night,

  when I snuck out of the house,

  was nothing except wicked.

  But the wicked wasn’t the people living in the Shadows.

  The wicked was the people made of gold.

  See, in Ralingford the rich have secrets.

  And the poor suffer because of them.

  They suffer greatly in the streets and in their homes.

  I suffered right along with them.

  My world was ripped right out from under my feet.

  The grass and dirt crumbled.

  Collapsed.

  I had two choices.

  Fall blindly into the hole.

  Or run away from it.

  Even though I knew it would be hard,

  I chose to run.

  I knew I’d be tested,

  knew I’d be chased.

  I knew I’d be broken.

  Knew I would pay.

  But, as long as I was determined,

  as long as I fought,

  I knew I’d make it.

  Knew I’d survive my torture.

  Little did I know that even after I escaped,

  I’d still be running from the men.

  That they’d break me into silence.

  Break me

  into

  the girl

  they wanted.

  And they did,

  For months...

  And over those months,

  I learned the truth.

  All that time, I listened to the rumors

  of my brother dancing with the devil.

  All that time, I spent believing

  that it couldn’t be true.

  When all that time,

  the devil was living

  under my roof.

  He was part of me.

  Under my skin.

  In my veins.

  All that time.

  All that time.

  All that time.

  All that time.

  And then I let that side out.

  Let my devil side briefly win.

  I used my hands to take a life.

  A life that will never be given back again.

  I didn’t mean to do it.

  I thought I had to in order to survive.

  And maybe I did.

  Or maybe I just tell myself that to sleep better at night.

  “All that time you knew nothing, Emery, just like you know nothing now,” Ellis’s voice floats over my shoulder. “Because you’re not asking questions.”

  I gasp as I chuck the pen at the door as the shadow of him fades away.

  “That’s it.” I get up from my bed, snatch the phone from my dresser, and slam my fingertip against my mother’s number. “You want me to ask questions. Fine, I’ll ask them.”

  As much as I know I’ll probably regret the call, I need to talk to Ellis, need to make sure he’s okay. Need to see if maybe he has answers. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have a phone of his own anymore, not that I know of in any case, which leaves only one option.

  My mother answers after three rings. “I was expecting your call.”

  “How?” I sink down on the bed. “I wasn’t planning on calling you until about three seconds ago.”

  “You should have called me sooner,” she snaps. Rustling rises in the background and then banging. I wonder where she is but don’t ask, knowing she won’t be truthful. “But you’re forgiven.”

  “Okay...?” What the heck is going on? “I just called to talk to... Ellis. That’s all.”

  The silence between us feels like it drags on for an eternity.

  “That’s all?” Her voice is clipped. “You just called to talk to Ellis?”

  I bite on my thumbnail as I gaze out the window. Clouds have rolled in, and the sky is dark with an impending storm. “I’m just worried about him. I wanted to make sure he’s okay. I thought I could talk to him and see for myself.”

  Her breathing sounds ragged through the line.

  “Mom, is there something wrong with Ellis? Is everything okay there?”

  “Of course everything’s okay here,” she says coldly. “The question is, is everything okay there?”

  “Yeah, everything’s great.” My muscles wind into tight, suffocating knots.

  “Emery, I’m going to ask this only once. Have you been taking your medication?”

  I glance at the single pink pill on the nightstand. “Of course.”

  “Are you positive?”

  “Yes.”

  “Emery, if you’re lying—if you haven’t taken those pills—your father is going to come there and drag you home.”

  I recollect Ryler getting into a BMW I thought might be her car. Crap, what if they’re together right now? “Are you sure you’re not here to do that right now?”

  “What are you talking about?” She sounds genuinely baffled, but my mother is equally as good at lying as me, if not better.

  I trace circles on my comforter as I summon up the strength to ask, “I thought I saw your car at my apartment earlier today…? Were you... here?

  “Why on earth would I be hanging around your filthy apartment?” she asks with repulsion.

  “I don’t know… to spy on me.”

  She sharply inhales. “Emery, are you even listening to yourself? You sound insane.”

  “You’ve spied on me before. When I first started dating Evan.”

  “No, we told you time and time again that never happened.”