An Impossible Thing Called Love

by Belinda Missen

  He blurred in my vision. ‘Yeah, you have.’

  ‘This was supposed to be our big start in life, you know? High flying and stepping up and out, and I’ve screwed it all up.’

  ‘It wasn’t all you,’ I said, trying hard to share the brunt of the blame. ‘We’re both at fault. I just wish you’d told me sooner.’

  ‘I guess what I want to know is if there’s any chance you’ll come home with me? We can get a place in the city and start over. I’m going to launch my own company. I’ll work nine to five only, have a proper work-life balance, be home in time for dinner and have weekends at home. Hell, I’ll probably work from home for at least the first twelve months.’

  As tempting as it sounded, it was hard to accept that things could just be fixed just by moving cities again. Something had set in recently that had nothing to do with location and, now, we’d drifted too far from who we were when it all began.

  ‘Maybe we can run it together?’ He wiped at his eyes and gave a sad sniff when I didn’t respond. ‘I am so incredibly sorry that I called you dumb. I don’t think you’re dumb at all. If anything, I think you’re one of the smartest, most compassionate people I know. And, you know, if marriage and kids is something you’re keen on, then I’d like you to be the one I explore that with.’

  I shook my head, sad at the last grappling words of a relationship. With Saturday night still zipping about my head I knew, if nothing else, I couldn’t leave. I didn’t want to leave. It was too much to give up again, and that scared me more than comforted me.

  ‘I don’t want you to want those things just because I do,’ I said. That will only lead to more problems later. Resentment. I want you to want them because you’re genuinely interested.’

  ‘Emmy.’ Heather tapped quietly on the door. ‘You have a visitor.’

  Strangely, Craig chuckled. ‘Perfect timing, right?’

  ‘Excuse me.’ I slipped past him and followed Heather down the hall.

  ‘Who is it?’ I asked.

  ‘Go and look.’

  I opened the door to find William on the landing, peering out at the giant leadlight window that decorated a large part of the stairwell. On sunny afternoons, it made you feel as if you were walking through a kaleidoscope, and it was one of my favourite things about this building. My cardigan hung limp from his hand, his thumb rubbing gently over an embroidered flower. I loved that I knew how silky smooth that felt without having to do it myself.

  ‘Hey.’ I closed the door only slightly and moved towards him. ‘Your hair – it’s gone.’

  ‘It has?’ He looked confused, and grabbed for clumps of curls that were no longer there. In their place, a shorter trim. ‘Shit. It must’ve fallen off while I was asleep.’

  ‘At least you’ve still got the sideburns.’ I smiled, wondering why it was so easy to do this, to talk with him. ‘It’s the small things, right?’

  ‘Yeah.’ His eyes darted about nervously and he scratched the back of his neck.

  ‘Are you okay?’ I asked. ‘I’ve been worried about you.’

  With lips pursed, his eyes darted about as he gave a quick nod. ‘Worried about me? I’ve been more worried about you. Are you okay?’

  ‘It’s been an interesting few days,’ I said slowly. ‘Very … informative.’

  ‘I am so sorry. For all of it. You shouldn’t have been caught up in any of that.’ He offered me my cardigan. ‘I found this in the clean-up.’

  ‘Thank you.’ I shook it gently. ‘Handy little thing.’

  ‘I just wanted to drop it over before it got swallowed up or claimed by someone else.’

  ‘Oh, right, okay.’ While I wondered why he hadn’t just waited to bring it to work, I also realised I didn’t care. I was just happy to see him.

  ‘Anyway…’ He took a tentative step backwards. ‘I have to go. Goodnight, Em.’

  Without even the slightest backwards glance, William disappeared down the stairwell. The building door closed gently, and he was gone. In his all too brief appearance, we’d completely skipped over the elephant that joined me as I tore down the stairs and out into the street after him. What kind of friendship did we have if we couldn’t at least talk about that? I was in the throes of losing one friendship tonight. I didn’t want to lose another.

  ‘William!’ I popped out into the street like a vaudeville performer, bare feet and all.

  Hands in pockets, he turned slowly and stepped back from the kerb. ‘What’s up?’

  ‘Please.’ I caught up to him. ‘Please listen to me and hear me out.’

  ‘Okay.’ He smirked, and a dimple tugged at his left cheek as he waited for me to continue.

  ‘It’s just that, I feel terrible about Saturday night and about running off on you like that. I realise, since you’ve been away, that I haven’t heard from you at all. You’ve probably decided to give things another go with Angela, and—’

  ‘Another go with Angela?’ He scrunched his face up. ‘Where do you come up with this?’

  ‘Don’t interrupt me, please,’ I said. ‘I just want you to know that I’ll stay out of your way and be the best support that I can be. Because you are my friend and I love you … as a friend.’

  ‘See, the thing is—’

  Above our heads, a window opened. I mean, it was exactly what I needed in the middle of declaring myself in front of William, even if it was just in the context of friendship. Josh leant out the window. I waved my hands at him, hoping to drive him away. It didn’t work.

  ‘Hey! I know you!’ he shouted. ‘You’re Punchy McPunchFace. The first aider from Edinburgh you ran off with, right Emmy?’

  William laughed and turned away. I, on the other hand, was mortified. After the discussion I was still having with Craig, this revelation was not exactly what I needed. It wasn’t just the nail in the coffin, it was the decorative flowers and soggy-sandwich wake all overlaid by a thrift shop rendition of ‘My Heart Will Go On’ with the button stuck on repeat. A little bit not good.

  I pointed to William with both hands. ‘You can ask him, he’s right here.’

  A light flickered on across the street.

  ‘Well, are you?’ Josh continued. ‘Are you that guy?’

  William’s smirk spread to a warm smile. ‘I am. How have you been? Staying out of trouble?’

  Josh hooted a laugh and slapped his hand down on the window sill. ‘I knew it, I knew it. I told you, didn’t I, Heather? I told you.’ Heather’s head popped out with an offering of silent apologies as she dragged Josh away from the window.

  It closed with a loud protest, Josh still nattering away about how he totally knew and wasn’t he clever. It was a wonder he managed sex at all, with that brilliant display of timing. But, in a moment, we were alone again.

  I clapped my hands together. ‘I guess what I’m trying to say—’

  ‘Emmy.’ William threw his head back and glanced at me through half-closed eyes.

  ‘—is that—’

  ‘She moved out.’

  ‘What?’ I asked. My train of thought screamed to a halt.

  Back up, back up.

  ‘We’re not getting back together. There was never a chance of that.’

  ‘Oh.’

  Oh.

  ‘She moved out on Sunday. I’ve spent the last few days sorting out our belongings and making sure she doesn’t fleece me completely.’

  ‘Can I change that to an I’m not sorry?’ I blurted. ‘No, actually, even that sounds horrible.’

  He offered me a resigned smile. ‘I haven’t been in touch because I needed to do this on my own. I feel like I screwed everything up on Saturday, and the rest of it has proven not as easy as I thought, so … yeah.’ He stepped forward and kissed my cheek. It was chaste enough to be innocent and lingering enough to say everything.

  ‘I’ll see you at work in the morning. I’ll bring the coffee.’

  I tried to shake my head, my nose brushing against his stubbly cheek. ‘You didn’t screw anything up.’
r />   ‘Good,’ he whispered. ‘See you on the sunny side.’

  With one more kiss, I watched as he turned and walked away, slipping from my fingers with a cheeky wink and a smile. I felt better knowing that the William I knew was still buried under there somewhere. I turned towards the house.

  From the street, I could see Craig had taken up Josh’s prime position in the window. With my nerves already on a knife’s edge, I gave myself a tiny moment of silent composure. I couldn’t pretend that my friendship with William had nothing to do with this when he was the reason I didn’t want to leave. Hand poised on the handle, I rested against the door before, finally, walking in.

  Everyone had cleared the room, leaving just Craig and me to sort out whatever was left of us.

  ‘I guess that’s my answer,’ he said quietly.

  ‘I can’t go with you,’ I said. ‘I don’t want to.’

  ‘Just tell me one thing,’ he said.

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Did you follow him here?’

  I shook my head, no. It was a half-truth, if anything. More and more I was realising that my dreams of coming to London were still entwined in my teenage fantasies. Did I intentionally follow William to London? No.

  Unconsciously? Maybe, yes.

  ‘Have you … slept with him?’

  ‘God, no!’ I baulked. ‘Do you really think so little of me?’

  ‘What I just saw doesn’t exactly lead me to believe your answer.’ He nodded his head in the direction of the window. ‘Looked chummy enough to me.’

  ‘Believe what you want.’

  ‘I’m just saying.’

  I threw my head back and counted back from ten. That knife’s edge was looking sharper by the second. ‘You know what, Craig? Just leave.’

  His jaw dropped as if this hadn’t been brewing for weeks, like he was completely blindsided.

  ‘I have had enough,’ I said. ‘We moved here to start something new, like you said. But since we got here, you’ve become mean, boorish, and absolutely not the person I remember falling in love with. Thank you for telling me things were hard at work, I appreciate it, but it’s no excuse to take your mood out on me. And, no, I haven’t slept with anyone else. I wouldn’t do that, you know I wouldn’t. All I’ve done is go and make new friends and, as it turns out, find old ones. On Saturday, you gave me an ultimatum. You wanted me to pick between you, or my friends. Well, with the person you’ve become, I pick my friends. You can leave now. Don’t wait until the weekend, find yourself a hotel tonight.’

  Less than an hour later, everything was over. That sweet, sweet kiss by the fire in Sydney, the laughter that dotted study sessions, the lazy mornings in bed, and the sheer thrill of booking our flights here. It had dissipated like the morning fog. His bags were packed and rested by the front door, waiting for a black cab to arrive. I’d stripped the sheets from our – my – bed. It was all I could think to do to keep my mind busy in a small apartment that amounted to not a lot more than a tinderbox right now.

  When a car horn sounded in the street, and the door closed quietly behind him, and behind the last eighteen months of my life, I wasn’t there to say goodbye. I’d hidden myself in the shower, hoping no one could hear me cry over the sound of rushing water.

  Chapter 21

  There was a crack in the ceiling in the right-hand corner above the bed. How had I never noticed that before? Also, there was a heap of extra room in the bed, a very comfortable bed now that I wasn’t sharing it with an octopus of arms and legs. I lolled about like a snow angel, all the while trying to tell myself that this was for the best. Upstairs, Josh’s Clown Song alarm went off. Heather laughed, as she did every morning. A muted conversation was followed by footsteps down the stairs, a whistling kettle, and Heather creeping into my room with a cup of tea.

  ‘Good morning, you,’ she whispered. ‘How are you feeling today?’

  I felt like crap. Finalising the inevitable with Craig did not make me feel any better. In fact, I was riddled with guilt. I imagined anyone you asked would say, rightly so, that I was a horrible person.

  My phone showed no signs of life, not unless you count an updated relationship status on social media, an attention seeking post, and a thousand photos of Craig’s ‘much more comfortable’ hotel room. After reading the first few comments, and feeling my stomach sink all over again, I shut my phone down and lay there trying to work out where to begin the day.

  ‘It’s going to get better.’ Heather climbed into bed with me. ‘You’re not naked, are you? That would be super awkward, though I’m sure my boyfriend wouldn’t complain.’

  I laughed, then crumbled into a snotty crying heap on her shoulder. Even a pillow over my head wasn’t a lot of help. All it did was encase me in warm morning breath. Yuck.

  ‘Oh, come on.’ Heather rubbed my arm sympathetically and rolled out of bed. A gust of cold air followed in her absence. ‘Neither of you were happy anyway, and nobody needs that. Let’s get you up and ready for work.’

  ‘Is this all on me?’ I peered out from under the extra pillow.

  ‘No, not all of it.’ She shook her head gently. I listened to the clunk of my coffee cup on the side table and a whispered greeting from Josh. ‘How much did he tell you about what was going on at work?’

  I shook my head. ‘Only last night. He admitted he’d screwed up, that it wasn’t working.’

  ‘Right.’ She puffed quietly. ‘From what Josh knows, he wouldn’t take responsibility for his faults and, in the end, he lost a big client. He was asked to go. And, if he wasn’t so busy heaping shit on everyone, and opened up instead of closing everyone off, maybe there wouldn’t have been any room for anyone else.’

  It was reassuring to know it wasn’t entirely my fault, but it didn’t exactly help me feel any better. Whatever had happened, Craig had been awful for most of our time here. I never wanted to be that woman waiting at home every night in the hope that her boyfriend or partner might throw a scrap of attention her way. I was going to go where I felt valued, and I did. I climbed out of bed, hobbling about like Grandpa Joe, got dressed, and took the slow walk to work. It was, without a doubt, a two-croissant type of morning.

  While my life felt like a weather vane in a cyclone, you wouldn’t have known anything was wrong in William’s. At least not by looking at him. He arrived on that morning as if nothing were wrong, challenging the idea that he’d been gone at all. He had a smile for everyone, and they all had one for him. There were quiet enquiries in even quieter corners but, if you missed any of that, you wouldn’t have suspected anything. As for any patients who asked, he simply told them he’d been ill and didn’t want to spread his germs.

  ‘Thank you for looking after the last few days for me, ladies.’ William passed behind the reception desk and tossed mail in the OUT tray. ‘I do appreciate it.’

  ‘It was mostly Emmy, you know.’ Pam spun in her chair to look at him, dressed in his usual suit and coat. ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘Everything’s great.’ He grinned at her. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘You know, if you want to talk about anything?’ she started. I kept my head down, focused on the spreadsheets in front of me, not wanting to engage. ‘I’m a good listener.’

  ‘I assure you, it’s perfectly good and long overdue. Thank you.’

  He maintained his position all week, though he ducked out for an hour or two at a time in the middle of the day. The only excuse he offered was that he had appointments. It was not technically a lie, and we all knew where he was going anyway, but it was the bare minimum of information he could get away with.

  There were moments caught in the staff room, or shared looks that said more than words could in a sea of strangers. Quick emails began to resemble a private code in the off chance someone decided to go through my computer. It wasn’t until Friday afternoon, in an almost empty clinic, that I caught him alone. I knocked on his door and waited.

  ‘Come in,’ he said quietly, distracted by an envelope full of
results.

  As I crossed the room, he switched the lamp on above his desk, his hair glowing brightly beneath its warmth. It was an odd sensation sitting in the same spot his patients did, looking at him as they did. I’d done it before, but so much had changed since the first time that it felt different. A blood pressure monitor, prescription pads, and weird body part models were all crammed along the outer edges of his desk. The piles of thank you cards continued to grow around him.

  I rested my elbow on the edge of his desk and dropped my chin into the palm of my hand. ‘You okay?’

  ‘Hmmm?’ He barely glanced up.

  ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘Yeah, I’m good.’ He nodded. ‘Just trying to interpret the hieroglyphs in these results.’

  I pressed my lips together. ‘I wasn’t talking about that.’

  ‘I know what you’re talking about,’ he said. ‘And, yes, I’m okay. Glad it’s all over, to be honest.’

  ‘Can I ask you a question?’ I folded my arms and crossed my legs.

  ‘You know the answer to that.’

  ‘Where is your wife now?’

  ‘Firstly, not my wife. Secondly, I have no idea.’ His pen tinkled as it dropped from his ear. ‘Why?’

  ‘Yeah, so, she goes to my gym.’

  ‘So I heard.’ A frustrated huff blew his fringe about. ‘This isn’t making any sense. I’m going home. I’ll call the lab Monday.’

  William shut off his computer and snatched up his bag from the floor, while I filled him in about everything I’d seen and heard during my Pilates sessions. I wasn’t incredibly comfortable going back there, but I’d signed a stinking contract, so I had to keep going unless I wanted to get stung with a massive fee to leave.

  ‘So, what?’ he said, fighting the key in the door lock. ‘You want my permission to go to the gym? If you ask me, you don’t need a gym. You’re fit as it is.’

  ‘I’m not.’

  ‘You are.’

  ‘Anyway, I just wanted to pick your brain,’ I said. ‘Do you think I should go?’