Rebels

by Sarah Noffke

  “Stop,” I say, throwing my head into the wall behind me. “Please stop talking like that, so nonchalantly. It makes this all feel—”

  “Real?”

  I can’t believe tears aren’t streaming out of my eyes right now. They feel vaulted away in some hollow part of me. Even as I bring my focus intently on Rogue, I don’t have the urge to cry, although the pain is well above any I’ve felt before. “Rogue, this can’t be real. What you’re saying isn’t right.”

  “I’ve battled against this reality for years, Em. I don’t wanna leave this earth, but more than anything I don’t wanna leave you. I’d suffer every day to remain at your side, but that’s not an option I’ve been given. Since you came back to me it’s been harder to accept my fate. It used to be a lot easier, when I didn’t think I’d leave you to grieve.”

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  I don’t mean to, but I keep running my eyes over Rogue, laid out in the doctor’s bed. No matter what I can’t make sense of this. It’s a bad dream, like one I’d had when my father punished me with the night terror generator.

  I don’t dare move away from the wall. Actually I wish I’d chosen a place farther away. But I hardly blink, afraid to miss a moment of watching him watch me. We’re like this for several minutes when he finally closes his eyes for a long few seconds.

  “Rogue!” I squeak out.

  He doesn’t open his eyes, but does smile a little. “I’m still here. Just tired, that’s all.”

  “Look at me,” I demand, feeling so foreign to him right now and also fragile because I know him so well. I don’t want to be in this moment with him right now. Like a coward, I want to run. But I won’t.

  “Come here,” he says.

  “No,” I say, and can’t believe my own answer. It’s just that there’s so many reasons I can’t be close to Rogue, and one is that I sense he wants me to say goodbye. I’d rather stay glued to this wall for the night than do that.

  “Okay,” he says, opening his green eyes. “You win. I thought for sure that would work.”

  “This isn’t a game, Rogue. This is life and… This isn’t something you joke about.”

  “Death,” Rogue says, seemingly out of nowhere.

  “What?”

  “That’s what you won’t say, but the sooner you accept this then the better for you. This is life and this is death.”

  “If I’m supposed to accept this, then why didn’t you tell me before now?”

  “I already explained that,” he says, tipping his head sideways at me, a look of rebellion in his eyes.

  “Well, then you should realize that it’s going to take me an eternity to accept this.”

  He readjusts himself on the bed. “Gonna have to do it sooner than that, but you do have some time. Would you do me a favor though?”

  I drop my chin and regard him incredulously. “What?”

  “Would you mind fetching Zack for me?”

  I nod, feeling brittle like a dried out sand dollar. I peel back the door and immediately find red-rimmed eyes staring back at me. Zack’s. Rogue’s causal manner has kept me steady but looking at Zack I almost crumble. How I feel in this surreal moment is written so perfectly on his face. He’s breathing through his mouth, horror a second away from the expression on his face. I wave him into the room. He steps past me and his shoulders slump slightly as he takes in Rogue’s mostly alive figure stretched out on the bed. Zack approaches and I head for the exit.

  “Don’t leave, Em,” Rogue calls out to me, but his voice is still a croak. “I need you to stay back where you’ve quarantined yourself though, but don’t go. Just give us a private minute, would you, babe? I don’t want you out of my sight while the gods grant me eyes to see you.” And he dares to wink at me. I hate that he’s told me to stay. I hate that he’s joking and winking at me. And I love him for it. He’s incredibly perfect in his very nature of existing. He’s perfect in his uniqueness. He burns so bright. So bright at times he hurts my eyes. Makes my heart ache from his grace.

  “Cuddle up here, brother,” Rogue says, patting the spot beside him. He makes to sit up, but like he’s overly weighted by his head, lies back down, black hair crushing into the pillow. Zack settles next to him.

  “I wish I could tell you I was faking my death again,” Rogue says, choking out a laugh.

  “Stop it, Rogue!” I scream.

  His eyes slide to me, a crooked smile on his face. “Stop eavesdropping, Em.”

  “You made me stay,” I seethe.

  “That I did.” He turns his gaze back in Zack’s direction and encourages him forward. Zack leans in closer and then Rogue whispers something. At least a few sentences. Whatever he says causes Zack to jerk back. Then he looks at me over his shoulder, disbelief screwing his face into something strange.

  He shakes his head. “No,” he says directly to Rogue.

  “Oh, yes, brother,” Rogue mouths.

  “Damn it, Rogue. Are you out of your mind?” Zack says.

  “Most definitely,” he says loud enough that I can hear him.

  “Rogue, this isn’t a conversation we should be having right now.”

  “It’s the perfect time for it. I’m not gonna have another opportunity to urge you to take chances.”

  “I take chances all the time,” Zack says.

  “Not the ones that really count.”

  “Not in a million years, Rogue.”

  “You forget, I’ve seen the future,” he says, a look of pride on his stretched face. “However, I kinda think we need to have this conversation to get things rolling. But it’s so hard to know the ingredients that make certain futures come to pass.”

  Zack shakes his head. “Rogue, it’s still not going to happen.”

  “You really gonna decline a dying man’s wish?”

  I wheel around, unable to stomach his words. My hand clutching for the door handle.

  “Stop right there, Em,” Rogue says. I freeze and it takes more power to turn around and face him than I used to fry the TV station antenna with electricity. His eyes have the wrong effect on me. They grind me to a powder and his smile is the breath that sends me in all directions. “Please don’t leave,” Rogue says.

  Everything is wrong in this moment. The causal manner Rogue regards me with. Zack’s tormented expression, which he covers at once by turning away. And my cold heart that feels dry and barren and absent of the ability to cry. “I only need a minute,” I finally say. But what I don’t say is I need that minute to feel human, to come to terms with what’s happened too fast, to understand something that feels impossible.

  “Take it later,” Rogue says simply. “Don’t leave now.”

  Unable to control my limbs or the hostile energy bounding out of my chest I kick my foot straight into the wall. It stares back at me unharmed, but my foot screams from the altercation. I set it down and press my weight on it, unwilling to show my pain to anyone right now. Thankfully the same wall I just assaulted allows me to lean my weight on it, supporting me when I’m a second away from crumbling.

  I allow my eyes to fall on Rogue’s and for a brief moment he fails to cover his real emotions with a fake one. Regret. It fills every feature on his face. Regret, like a drum whose beat shakes the earth I stand on, reverberates across the room. Rocks me where I stand, but I stand. Staring at him, unmoving. I’m afraid to show Rogue who I am in this moment. Afraid I’m losing myself. I want to run. But I stand frozen, knowing in all realities the only place I’ll run to is his arms. My greatest place of regret. His arms.

  He fastens his eyes on Zack. “Definitely think about what I said.”

  Zack nods, his slick blond hair unresponsive to the movement. I turn back away when Rogue hoists himself up with great difficulty. I know what’s coming next and I can’t bear it. I bury my face in the wall, the place I’ve abused and turned to for support. And the sound of a palm clapping one of their backs actually makes me cough out a small tear. It’s too small. Hardly exists in this moment of gigantic
emotions. Somehow, even with my slow, delayed movements, I turn in time to watch Zack stand and walk away. He doesn’t glance in my direction. His expression is glass. Reflective and transparent at the same time.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Rogue and I stare at each other, a host of emotions communicated silently. My hands find the grooves of the wall behind me, snake along them. In the dim light of Parker’s bedroom Rogue looks as he always has, but he’s different. Maybe it’s the pain medicine, but he appears to be imprisoned on the bed and it’s such a strange thing to witness. His limbs and his neck move, but I know instinctively that he can’t get out of this bed right now. Won’t ever. I hiccup from the aching thought.

  “Come here, Em,” Rogue says in a soft raspy voice.

  “No,” I say, my irrational anger directed at Rogue who lies helplessly in Parker’s bed.

  “Are you mad at me for dying?” he says, a curious humor in his voice.

  “No,” I say, looking directly at him, holding my head up until it’s even against the wall. “I’m mad at you for allowing me to fall in love with you.”

  All humor drops from his face. “What?”

  “You knew you were going to die. All along…”

  “Well, yeah, but—”

  “And you let me get close to you, knowing what would happen. Knowing—” Suddenly the air is knocked out of me by an invisible source. My words are sucked away as I gasp for breath. For a full ten seconds I try and fail to fill my lungs with oxygen. Finally between hyperventilated breaths the rest of my words seep out of me. “Knowing it would break me in two, you encouraged me to love you.”

  “I’m guilty as charged,” Rogue says, no smile present on his stress-creased face. “I plead selfishness. But don’t those who die young deserve to be loved?”

  I scream. And expect that a thousand tears will be unleashed but it’s a dry yell, bringing nothing with it. “You could have told me. Could have warned me.”

  “You’re right, and you have my apologies,” he says too casually. “But in my defense I did try to push you away in the beginning, at least keep you at a distance.”

  “Rogue…”

  “Em, do you regret a minute of it? Are you saying you’d take it back? Erase our love?”

  Three times I try and unsuccessfully gulp down pain. “Rogue,” I say again.

  “Do you regret loving me?” And now all humor is gone from his gruff voice.

  “No, of course not,” I say and grasp for the tears that exist somewhere in my being. Each time I grab for them they disappear. “I’d love you again in a thousand different lives knowing I’d lose you. Again and again I’d love you only to lose you.”

  “Then don’t be mad.”

  “How can I not be mad?!” I scream. The space between us is too vast, but I can’t will my feet forward. “How can I not curse the gods for doing this? Forsake them and burn their city to the ground?” And then the tears finally come, all wrong, in a rush to compete to be the first. Tear after tear after tear, so painful I think they’ll break my eyes as they rush to the surface. I gulp in breaths that are unfulfilling and only give life to the tears which burn as they erupt.

  With an effort that makes him grimace Rogue pushes up into a half seated position, silencing my tears. “Nothing has been done yet,” he says and holds out his hand to me. “We still have right now.”

  “But it’s going to end, and you’re going to leave me,” I say, half covering my face.

  “Gods, Em, if I had a choice I’d do anything to stay by your side.”

  I choke on a long sob, one that threatens to scar my throat. Rogue’s eyes pinch slightly, an acute ache in them. And yet he remains mostly cool and steady in this raw moment.

  “You’re allowed to hate me and the gods for the rest of your long life,” he says when I’ve calmed my tears. “But also remember the gods brought you to me. For that I love them because you created purpose in my life. Meaning. You’re the reason I continue to breathe when I think my time is up.”

  With the same tenacity that held me to the wall, I’m propelled forward. I now rush to him, all boundaries forgotten. In seconds his arms are around me. “I love you, Rogue,” I say, cradling his face in my hands. “I will always love you. I could never hate you. You’re my freedom in this prison. You’re my salvation.”

  I swallow his kisses with my own, which taste of tears and reek of pain and tenderness and hold an edge of finality. Rogue pushes back into me with a fervent need that encourages my heart. Makes me believe this is all a mistake. He moves with energy, grips me with a need of a man full of life. I pull back to regard him from only an inch away. I’ve always enjoyed this view. And now it brings a tear so heavy to my eye that it weighs down my chin where it lands and my heart where it originated. Rogue raises his fingers to my chin, an action that seems to take an eternity. Still there’s a grace to his hand as he wipes the tear off my chin.

  I crawl more completely into his arms, which are large and yet oozing with exhaustion as they wrap around me. Slowly I bring my body alongside his, until I’m wrapped in his arms. And then he slides his head up, positioning mine under his chin. From my place, resting my ear on his chest, I hear the best sound in the world. His heartbeat. It still beats. Soft, but steady. I unbutton his shirt and slide my hand onto the place above his heart where my name permanently resides on his skin. He claps his hand over mine and smiles into my hair. “My heart. You are my heart. And I will always love you, my beautiful Em.”

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Instinctively I knew the breath that was his last. Felt it like a dying wind. Rogue made to press me into him but lost his grip halfway. And twice his heart beat and then no more. I lay in Rogue’s arms until right before he grew cold. I want to remember him warm.

  The only way I’d ever believe Rogue actually died this time is to see it with my own eyes. After believing he died once and found out it was a lie, I’m hard to convince. But I know what life in Rogue looks like. And I know with such certainty that the man who lies before me is dead. Still beautiful in death though.

  I’d managed to contain myself as Rogue held me. But away from him, and after witnessing his heart burn out, my anger and hatred erupts. Not at Rogue or the gods, but at who is really responsible for my pain, my loss.

  I swing the door open to find Zack standing petrified in front of me. His eyes slide to Rogue lying on the bed behind me. Dead. Zack’s mouth tightens into a thin line. Then his eyes fall on me. He does something strange. Something I’ve rarely seen him do. He opens his arms to me, welcoming my pain where it will have the company of his own. But I shake my head and stalk past him, uninterested in being comforted right now.

  “Where are you going?” he asks, a roughness to his voice.

  “I have to go,” I say, moving forward through the long hallway.

  “Are you leaving the Valley?”

  “No,” I say, that single word filled to the brim with hostility.

  “But President Vider—”

  “Parker,” I say, knowing he’s down the hall listening. The doctor walks out of his office and stands looking at me awkwardly. “You’re going to have Rogue’s body moved to his father’s doorstep tonight.” I know the thought would be atrocious to some, but as Reverians we know bodies are useless cavities without the soul. We don’t bury our dead. And in this case I’m going to use it as a message. “I want the President to know his son is dead. Then he’ll know Rogue can’t turn himself in. He’ll know his threat to kill innocent Middling babies is useless.” I stalk past Parker, not waiting for a reply.

  “He’ll think he’s won,” Zack argues.

  “Exactly,” I say, already at the end of the hallway. Behind me I hear quick steps.

  “Where are you going though?”

  “There’s a war coming, Zack,” I say, whipping around to face him. “I’m going to prepare for it.”

  “What? How do you know how President Vider will react to the attack on the labs? How do you k
now he’ll cause a war when he has so many other problems to worry about?” Zack says.

  “Oh, he won’t. And you’re right, he’s going to be scrambling to control the population. Which is great for me because I need an army if I’m going to lead this war.” I turn and march out the front door of Parker’s house, walking with a new angry confidence.

  The End

  Hi! This is Sarah Noffke and I hope you enjoyed this book. Whether you did or didn’t, a review would really be great. Reviews can keep a book alive and an author writing books. Please take a moment to write a review here. Thank you sooooo much!

  Continue saga and grab book three, Warriors. You need to know how this story turns out.

  Get it HERE!

  Acknowledgements:

  The first thanks for this book goes to my readers. I can’t even begin to describe how much fun it is to share my books with you all. When I came up with the idea for dream traveling I wasn’t sure if it was a good one or ridiculous. You all like it and relate and describe similar experiences. So if I’m crazy, so are you. I like being in the same club with my readers, since they’re pretty much the smartest people I know.

  A gigantic thank you to Dominic and Maja for moderating and running the Goodreads fan group. And thank you to the members! I have such fun interacting with y’all. And thank you for the fantastic support and encouragement. Love you!

  Thank you to my editor Christine LePorte. All my readers should know that I have absolutely no idea what a comma is. If commas are in my book it is because that lovely lady makes my work so polished.

  Thank you to Andrei Bat for the gorgeous cover. I know I wear you out with changes. There’s times where I’m glad you’re a continent away or otherwise I think you’d hunt me down and tell me off.

  A giant thank you to my first chair beta reader, Colleen. What would I do without you? Well, I’d have no one to agree with me on my flawless reasoning. Twins from another mother and father, that’s what we are. No one gets us completely because they’re all wrong, all the time.