But What About Me?

by Marilyn Reynolds

  want to have sex again.

  We talk a lot in the survivors group about what being raped has done to us in relation to a normal sex life. One woman, Tanya, says she has sex with practically every guy she meets now. She says if you get raped by one man, and you’ve had sex with three men in your life, that means 25 percent of the men you’ve been with have raped you, and that’s a frightening statistic. But if you get raped by one man, and you have sex with one hundred others, you’ve only got a one percent rape history. Tanya says one percent is manageable.

  I don’t think any percentage is manageable when it comes to rape, but we all deal with things in our own way. For now, I’m a born-again virgin. I don’t know if that’s for life or not. I guess I’ll figure that out later on.

  I take Kitty’s leash and start off walking. Rocky catches up. We walk farther into the hills, away from traffic noises. In the distance we can see the planetarium.

  “Do you think there’s life on other planets?” Rocky says.

  “Maybe.”

  “I’m sure there is.”

  “How do you know?”

  “I just know. And I’m going to Mars someday, too.”

  “Well . . . why not?” I say.

  She grins at me. “I haven’t told anyone else yet.”

  “Okay. I won’t tell yet, either.”

  We sit down near the top of the hill.

  “Kitty’s hair’s almost grown back,” Rocky says.

  “But look, you can see the scar.” I tell her, separating strands of hair on Kitty’s neck and showing Rocky the jagged line of raised, pink skin.

  “I hate that Joey guy,” Rocky says, narrowing her eyes and frowning. Then she jumps up, takes the leash, and starts running downhill with Kitty.

  I follow after them, no longer worried about being invisible to Rocky, or worse, like I’m some kind of repulsive beetle as far as she’s concerned. I catch up with them and race them back to the blanket where Mom and Dad sit close to each other, talking.

  I don’t really believe that saying about how everything comes in threes. All you have to do is be able to divide by three and you can look at everything that way. Five deaths in the family? The first three prove the groups of three thing, and the last two will become three as soon as the next person dies. But, after getting the two pieces of great news, I’m HIV negative and I’m not pregnant, another great piece of news is waiting for me when I get to the Humane Society Tuesday afternoon.

  I go to Beauty’s cage first, like always, and I see in bold letters, stamped across her card, ADOPTED. My heart sinks. I may never see her again. What kind of people are adopting her? I run into the adoption office and check the computer. It takes forever to warm up, and then I can’t find the new adoptions file. Finally, my fingers find the right keys and the computer does its thing. There it is—Beauty, Female, Border Collie mix—adopter—Sinclair Manchester. I am so happy I start laughing, all by myself in the little office. I run upstairs.

  “Sinclair!”

  “Yes, love,” he says, looking up from his neatly drawn charts.

  “You’re taking Beauty!”

  “Hello, Hello.” The parrot jumps from one perch to another, then grabs hold of its cage with its crooked beak.

  “Ummm. I decided it was the next best thing to you taking her, and I understand how your mom feels about two dogs. Besides, you’re going off to college in August.”

  I throw my arms around Sinclair. He hugs me, quick, then pushes me away.

  “Don’t wrinkle me,” he says, smoothing the front of his shirt. Then he tells me about a family who came looking for a dog yesterday, and the dog they liked best was Beauty. They said they’d be back, but they didn’t put in an official request.

  “So I moved fast,” he says. “I figure, she can hang out here in the daytime, in the office, or downstairs, and then I’ll take her home with me at night. Good idea?”

  “Great idea!” I say.

  Sinclair laughs. “Is this the pre-Christmas Erica I see?”

  “I’ll never be pre-Christmas again,” I tell him. “But I’ll be happy.”

  “That’s the spirit,” Sinclair says.

  Chapter

  21

  For the first time in my life, I don’t care about school. I go through the motions—attending class, carrying my notebook, but I can’t get interested in studying, or homework, or tests. It’s like my life is on hold and I don’t know how to punch the button and take the call. Then, in March, I get a letter of acceptance from UC Davis, and something kicks in.

  “I’m going to Davis—animal husbandry,” I yell when I open the envelope.

  The trouble is, when I read the fine print I see that my acceptance is based on the expectation that my final semester grades will be as good as my previous record. Yikes! I start hustling to get my grades up.

  I talk with each of my teachers, explaining I’ve had a hard time, without going into the gory details, and asking if there’s any way I can pull my Bs and Cs back up to As. It turns out there is a way, and it’s to eat, breathe, and sleep school. I cut back on my hours at the Humane Society and immerse myself in the game of academic catch-up.

  I’m studying, as usual, one night, when Danny calls. Rocky answers the phone and comes running in with it.

  “Hi,” Danny says.

  “Hi.”

  “Did you get the news yet?”

  “What news?”

  “Joey did a plea bargain thing—pled guilty to assault. It’s a shorter sentence, but it’s still going to be tough on him because of being on parole . . . But no trial, unless you demand it.”

  It takes awhile for me to process what Danny’s just said. “What’s his sentence?”

  “I don’t know. Years.”

  “And no trial?”

  “Unless you demand one.”

  Tears of relief gather in my eyes.

  “I knew you’d want to know right away,” Danny says.

  “Thanks.”

  “I’m doing better, Erica. I’m working at True Value Hardware, and I’m hardly drinking at all.”

  “I’m doing better, too.”

  “Well . . . do you want to go to a movie or anything sometime?”

  “No. Not yet.”

  “But sometime?”

  “I don’t know, Danny. Right now, it doesn’t seem like it.”

  “I won’t always be waiting.”

  “I’m not asking you to wait.”

  “Well, ’bye.”

  “’Bye,” I say.

  In the morning Dad calls the D.A.’s office and they confirm Danny’s story. Finally, it’s as if I can breathe freely for the first time since Christmas, like a giant weight has been lifted from my chest.

  I end up with a 3.6 grade point average for my last semester at Hamilton High School. Not bad, but not good enough for Davis, especially not for the Animal Husbandry program. But Dr. Franz writes a letter to the head of that department, someone she used to be on some committee with, and she mentions extenuating circumstances and then goes on to say what great potential I have for the field of veterinary medicine. I hardly recognize myself when she shows it to me to read—all five pages of it.

  “This is all the truth,” she says, folding the letter, addressing an envelope, and sealing it.

  I can feel my face getting hot.

  “Really,” she says.

  By mid-June I’ve got all kinds of forms to fill out for Davis. They even ask what kind of music I like to listen to, and if I like it loud or soft. I guess they’re trying to get compatible roommates.

  In July, I get my second HIV test, and it comes back negative. I think I’m okay. I’ll have to get tested again in another six months, though.

  The night before I leave for Davis, April and I go to the Mean Bean, which is a coffee place in Old Town. We sit at a table with a checkerboard and play checkers, barely paying attention to what we’re doing.

  “It’s going to be so strange with you gone,” she says. “I st
ill can’t believe we won’t be going back to good old Hamilton High in September.”

  I jump April’s king.

  “No fair, you were watching the game,” she says.

  We laugh. “I wish you were going with me,” I tell her.

  “Yeah.” she sighs. “I’m going to come see you in about a month—hang out for a week. That’ll be the best way to go to Davis. No studying.”

  We laugh. “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had,” I tell her. Then I jump her other king.

  “Some friend.” She laughs harder, then throws her napkin at me.

  The yuppie couple sitting at the next table both turn and give us disgusted looks. We laugh harder, then April gets all serious.

  “Guess who I saw earlier this afternoon, before I came to get you?”

  “Sean Penn?”

  “No.”

  I wait.

  “Danny Lara. At first I wasn’t sure I should tell you, but we always tell each other everything, right?”

  “Right.”

  “So, do you want to know?”

  “How do I know if I want to know until I know?”

  “But then it’s too late,” April says.

  “Just tell me. You’re going to tell me anyway.”

  “Well, I saw Danny walking out of Barb and Edie’s, and he was with that girl who used to ride the same bus with us when we were sophomores. You know, Lisa.”

  “Lisa Riley?”

  “Yeah, and it’s weird. She looks exactly like you. Or at least like you looked before you cut all your hair off—they were holding hands.”

  “It’s a free country,” I say, wondering why I have a funny feeling in my stomach when I’ve hardly even seen Danny all summer long.

  “But don’t you think it’s creepy? That he’s chosen your clone? Well, not in the brains department she’s not your clone, but in the looks department—twins.”

  I’m all cool, talking with April like I couldn’t care less that Danny’s found someone else. But inside I’ve got butterflies.

  “What do you care? You’re going to find some sturdy college man who’s your intellectual peer.”

  “I’m not looking,” I tell April. “I’m sticking with my born-again status.”

  “But if Mr. Right comes along?”

  “When I’m thirty. What about you? Don’t you ever miss what you had with Wade?”

  “Hey! Wade was no winner. What’s to miss? I’m waiting for Sean Penn to notice me.”

  That gets us laughing again, and the yuppies are annoyed again, so we pay our bill and leave.

  When I get home my dad tells me I’d better be sure everything’s ready to go. He wants to be on the road to UC Davis by seven in the morning.

  “Really, six would be better,” he says. “It’ll be unbearably hot going up I-5.”

  “But we have air conditioning, don’t we?” Rocky whines.

  Because of all the stuff I have to take—books, linens, clothes, of course, and tapes and CDs—my dad has rented a van just for the trip.

  “Even so, we’ll be more comfortable if we get an early start. That’s for sure.”

  In spite of Dad’s hopes for an early start, it is nearly eight by the time everything is packed in the van and we’re all ready to go. He and Mom sit in front. Rocky gets the seat behind them all to herself, and Kitty and I take the back seat. We stop at Gramma’s so I can say good-bye.

  I get out and run up to the door.

  “Erica! I can’t believe you’re so grown-up,” she says, misty-eyed.

  I give her a big hug. “I’ll write to you.”

  “Just call collect,” she says.

  We talk for a minute and then Dad taps the horn.

  “Don’t get bossy with me!” she yells at him, laughing. He shakes his head in that “what can I do with her” kind of way.

  “I have something for you,” Gramma says.

  I follow her inside and there, sitting on top of the TV, are my old slippers.

  “You might need them,” she says with an impish grin.

  I take them from the TV, not knowing what to say. Dad honks the horn again.

  “’Bye, Gramma,” I say, giving her a quick hug and running out the door. I get in the van, in the far back, next to Kitty, and slam the heavy, sliding door.

  As we back out the driveway and into the street, Gramma stands on the steps, waving good-bye, laughing.

  Just past Coalinga, which Dad says is the half-way mark, I slip my bare feet into the slippers. I know they’re a bit small, but this is ridiculous. I can barely get my toes in. I reach inside to see what’s in the way. A packet of three condoms. In the other slipper is a can of foam and a folded paper. When I unfold the paper a one hundred dollar bill is sitting on top of a note.

  Dear Erica,

  I hope you won’t need this. As you know, the best protection is abstinence and sex is meant for marriage, not for fooling around. But, better safe than sorry I always say. I know you can use the money. My love and best wishes follow you wherever you go.

  Gramma

  I tuck Gramma’s gifts into my backpack, smiling. I’m glad she did that. We never even talked about what she found in my slippers that day, and it was like there was something strained between us. Not a big strain. A little one. But no more.

  I lean over next to Kitty, lay my head against her back and drift somewhere between waking and sleeping. I’ll miss her so much, my life-saver dog, and Beauty, too, and my family, and April, and Sinclair and Dr. Franz. But I’m way excited about a new life.

  I think I won’t use Gramma’s presents to me within their expiration date. I’m not anti-men or anything, like some of the women in my rape survivors group are. There’s a lot I’m still uncertain about, though. But I am certain I’ll be a vet. And I’m also certain that if I ever take another chance on love, I won’t get so caught up in someone else’s problems that I lose sight of the kind of person I want to be.

  Kitty groans and stretches full out in the seat, pushing me off to the side. I sit up, groggy.

  “But what about me?” I say, moving her gently but firmly back to her own side.

  In the front seat Mom and Dad latch onto my words with some old seventies song, “Hey, ey, ey, ey, ey, ey, what about me. I’ve got a song that I can sing, too.”

  I lie back down and close my eyes, imagining the buildings I’ve seen in the Davis brochure, and wondering what kind of music my roommate will like. I hope it’s not Ian and Sylvia or The Honey Drippers. That’s okay for my mom and dad, but I wouldn’t like a steady diet of it.

  What if I don’t find any friends? What if the work’s too hard? What if I get miserably homesick . . . Why am I worrying about things that probably won’t even happen? And if they do, I know I’ll handle it.

  I already know I can get through hard times. I have. I will again, if I need to. But good times are ahead. I feel it as strongly as I feel Kitty pushing at me, trying to hog (or is it dog?) the whole seat.

  The Complete True-to-Life Series from Hamilton High

  BY MARILYN REYNOLDS

  1–TELLING When twelve-year-old Cassie is accosted and fondled by the father of the children for whom she babysits, she feels dirty and confused.

  2–DETOUR FOR EMMY Classic novel about Emmy, pregnant at 15. Read by tens of thousands of teens. American Library Association Best Books for Young Adults List; South Carolina Young Adult Book Award.

  3–TOO SOON FOR JEFF Jeff is a senior, a nationally ranked debater, and reluctant father of Christy’s unborn baby. Best Books for Young Adults; Quick Pick for Young Adult Reluctant Readers; ABC After-School TV Special.

  4–BEYOND DREAMS Six short stories dealing with situations faced by teenagers - drinking and driving, racism, school failure, abortion, partner abuse, aging relative. “...believable, likeable, and appropriately thoughtful.” —Booklist

  5–BUT WHAT ABOUT ME? Erica pours more and more of her life into helping boyfriend Danny get back on track. But the more she tries to help him,
the more she loses sight of her own dreams. It takes a tragic turn of events to show Erica that she can’t “save” Danny, and that she is losing herself in the process of trying.

  6–BABY HELP Melissa doesn’t consider herself abused - after all, Rudy only hits her occasionally when he’s drinking . . . until she realizes the effect his abuse is having on her child.

  7–IF YOU LOVED ME Are love and sex synonymous? Must Lauren break her promise to herself in order to keep Tyler’s love? “engaging, though-provoking read, recommended for reluctant readers.” —Booklist

  8–LOVE RULES A testament to the power of love - in family, in friendships, and in teen couples, whether gay or straight, of the same ethnicity or not. It is a testament to the power of gay/straight alliances in working toward the safety of all students.

  9–NO MORE SAD GOODBYES “For all the sadness in it, Autumn and her baby’s story is ultimately one of love and hope. It’s a very positive presentation of adoption, especially open adoption.” —Kliatt

  10–SHUT UP Mario (17) and Eddie (9) move in with their aunt after their mother is sent to Iraq with her National Guard unit. Months later, Mario discovers their aunt’s boyfriend in the act of sexually molesting Eddie. Mario’s sole purpose is now to protect his little brother. He takes extreme measures.

  Praise for the Hamilton High Series

  “Reynolds’ treatment of youth and their challenges, from sexual abstinence to mixed-race parentage, is compassionate, never condescending; the dialogue, situations, emotions, and behavior of the well-defined teen characters ring true. [If You Loved Me is] an engaging, thought-provoking read . . .”

  —Shelle Rosenfeld, Booklist

  “Out of all the books I’ve read (and trust me, I’ve read tons of books), yours have impacted me the most. They are filled with reality and hope and strength, and make me feel stronger.”

  —Gillian, Georgia

  “For all the sadness in [No More Sad Goodbyes], Autumn and her baby’s story is ultimately one of love and hope.”