Moonshine Wizard

by Phillip Drayer Duncan

  “Damn,” Bert said. “I had no idea.”

  “Yeah, well, the point is, The Brotherhood isn’t a joke.”

  “I see.”

  “If you run into more of them, keep your defenses up and use the environment. Don’t bother casting directly at them. Use a gun if you have one. Most of all, get as far away from them as you can.”

  “I got you.”

  “Good. Now it’s your turn to tell me something. What have you gotten into that has their attention?”

  Bert shook his head. “I’m not really sure.”

  “Bullshit.” Robert glared at him. “Tell me the truth.”

  “I honestly don’t know.” Bert paused and then used his mind to show Robert the mission aura Tony had given him, allowing his friend to see he’d been commissioned by the Hand of Magic. “And there’s this.”

  “Goddammit, Bert! Working for the Hand? Have I not made it clear that shit will get you killed?”

  “Believe me, I don’t like it any more than you do, but I didn’t have a choice.”

  Robert stared at him with fire in his eyes. “I sure as fuck hope you know what you’re getting yourself into.”

  “I wouldn’t be doing this if I had a choice. Trust me, I don’t.”

  Robert shrugged and went back to looking at the wreck. “Well, let’s take care of this, then.”

  “What are we going to do?”

  “We...aren’t going to do anything,” Robert replied with an arrogant tone. “I’ll take care of it.”

  Bert chuckled. “All right, what are you going to do?”

  “One of the things they teach you in the wizard army is to make things like this disappear. Can’t have cops stumbling across supernatural battlefields. They taught us a trick and made us practice until we could do it effortlessly. To put it simply, I’m going to teleport the whole mess off planet.”

  Robert strolled over to the scene of Bert’s accident. Using his staff, he drew a circle around the van and the tree. Bert couldn’t see the circle, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t there. Any debris which sat outside of the circle, Robert kicked in. After he finished, he lifted his staff and began speaking a language Bert was unfamiliar with, but he could feel the magical energy swirling around him.

  Robert finished the spell and Bert was momentarily blinded by light. When his vision cleared, everything inside the circle was gone. Even the grass. All that remained was a bald patch of dirt.

  “Damn,” Bert said. “You know, I might have left another body in the tall grass out beside my house.”

  “You can mow your grass your damn self.” Robert snorted. “Anywhere I can warp you?”

  Bert thought about it for a moment. “Can you get me back to Eureka Springs?”

  “Yeah, I married my wife there. I think I can get you to the chapel.”

  “Is it downtown?”

  “Yeah.”

  “That’ll work,” Bert replied. “And Robert, I really appreciate you coming to help me.”

  “Bert, you’re like the little brother I never had, but you need to understand. Look, four or five years ago I was always spoiling for a fight. You could’ve contacted me anytime and I would’ve come to help. But as much as I still get the itch, I’ve got little man. And I’m an outcast of the Hand. I can’t go running into fights not knowing if I’m going to make it home. I hope you understand.”

  “I wouldn’t ask you to put yourself in danger,” Bert said, sticking out his hand. “Just with the tidying up the messes.”

  Robert chuckled and took his hand. “Be careful. Whatever you are involved in is already over your head.”

  “I will.” Bert said, then grinned. “Beam me up, Scotty.”

  They both disappeared into thin air.

  Chapter 10

  As promised, Bert reappeared beside a chapel. However, Robert had left him standing in the middle of a fountain. If anyone saw him he’d look like a crazy person. Apparently, Falcon wasn’t the only one with a sense of humor today. He sloshed his way out of the pool, glancing around to get his bearings. There were too many damn chapels in this town, he decided, as he headed down the street.

  Downtown Eureka Springs looked like a breeding ground for tourists. A sea of knick-knack shops and restaurants. It didn’t take him long to figure out where he was, and it turned out that Robert had warped him a few blocks from the Falcon’s Nest. However, he was only a block from Carter’s office.

  As much as he didn’t want to deal with Carter, especially after walking away from the vampire thing the night before, he’d have to do it sooner or later. Might as well get it over with. Besides, Carter might know something. Certainly, he’d sensed the Autumn Woe long before Bert and was probably already trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

  Bert sighed and started for the old Victorian building that served as Carter’s office. It was similar to the other buildings downtown, but unlike the bed and breakfast on one side, or the bath house on the other, it didn’t have any signs. To an unsuspecting eye, it appeared to be abandoned.

  Past the small foyer, the main room held desks for Carter’s gaggle of wizards. Bert was happy to see Arthur was the only one present.

  He sat at his desk with his face buried in a novel. To anyone else it would appear the big man hadn't even seen him enter. Bert knew better. Arthur had known he was there the moment he walked in the door and had already sent a message, via magic, to Carter.

  Bert grabbed an old wooden chair and dragged it across the floor, making as much noise as possible as he plopped down in front of Arthur. Arthur ignored him.

  When Arthur flipped a page in his book Bert said, “Hi, Arthur. Nice to see you too.”

  Arthur grunted in reply, his eyes fixed on the book.

  “Must be a good one,” Bert said.

  Arthur let out another grunt.

  “So, is Carter in?”

  “Yup. He’s not ready for you yet.” Still reading, he added, “He’s not happy, either.”

  “So, what else is new?”

  “No, I mean, he’s really not happy with you.”

  “Oh good. So, what’s with the cold shoulder today?”

  Arthur set down his book and rubbed his eyes. “Well Bert, Carter is rather perturbed. And since I’m the only one around here who doesn’t hate you, I figured it would benefit us both if I didn’t seem too friendly.”

  “So, it’s a good book?”

  “Yeah,” he replied, grinning. Then his smile shifted to a frown. “Ah, shucks, Carter’s ready for you.”

  Bert sighed and headed for the stairs in the back.

  Arthur picked up his book and over his shoulder said, “Good luck.”

  Bert walked into Carter’s office and found him standing with his arms crossed.

  Oh great, Bert thought, Arthur wasn’t exaggerating.

  Carter was a fifty-something military-type with a crew cut and a bad attitude. Tall and menacing, Bert wasn’t sure if Carter always scowled, or if it was just when he was around. Or maybe, he just didn’t have enough fiber in his diet. He wore a collared shirt and jeans at the office, but when he was playing wizard cop he donned a brown hooded robe. It’s important to look official when you’re being a dickhead.

  Carter was the type of guy who believed in the system. He thought all wizards should dedicate their lives to the Hand. Since Bert hadn’t joined the wizard military, police force, or another line of service, he was only a step up from a criminal in Carter’s eyes. Just another low life. Bert was confident Carter only kept him around so he could keep an eye on him. He probably went home every night and fantasized about arresting Bert while he re-greased the stick he kept up his ass.

  “About time you show your face around here,” Carter said.

  Yup, the stick is wedged in firmly today, he thought, but said, “Good to see you too, Sheriff.”

  “Cut the shit, Waylon. I’m not in the mood. That was some stunt you pulled, going off into the cave alone.”

  “They were about to
kill that girl.” Bert shrugged. “She didn’t have time for me to wait.”

  “That’s the only reason I’m not arresting you for obstructing an official Hand of Magic investigation.”

  “Nobody told me you’d ordered us not to go enter. Your boys let me stroll right in.”

  “Well, you should’ve had the common sense not to waltz in like you’re some kind of goddamned hero.”

  Bert realized this line of conversation was both a trap and a dead end, so instead asked, “How’s the girl?”

  “Like you give a shit about anyone but yourself.” Carter’s glare hardened. “She’s fine. She’s been returned to her family and none of them have a clue what really happened.”

  That was good. He’d hoped she hadn’t sustained any major injury, or worse, been infected. He didn’t have anything against vampires. There were plenty who were stable members of society, but if she’d been changed she’d have been lost to her family and everyone who cared for her.

  “So, anything new going on?” Bert asked in his most innocent voice.

  Carter raised an eyebrow. “What’s that supposed to mean? Is there something I should know?”

  So, he definitely knows somethings up, Bert thought, but whether he’d sensed the Autumn Woe or had details, he wasn’t going to share. He wanted to see what Bert knew.

  Bert put up his hands in defense. “Just trying to make friendly conversation.”

  If Carter glared any harder, Bert thought the stick in his ass might shoot out like a missile. Or maybe it would squeeze up through his throat and poke out his mouth. He had to stifle a giggle at the thought.

  “Something big is going down, and if you know anything about it you’d better come clean, now.”

  Bert fought every urge to grin. For once, he was totally within his legal right to lie to Carter. In fact, he’d been officially ordered to do so. He desperately wanted to wave the mission aura in Carter’s face, but Tony had told him not to, so he resisted.

  “Look, Carter, I was trying to be friendly, but I can go. Clearly, you’re already sick of me today.”

  “No, it’s actually good you came by. I could use you for a bit.”

  “Okay, what’s up?”

  “A local is misbehaving. We’re going to have a chat with him and I want a few extra wizards on hand to help de-escalate the situation if his temper gets the better of him.”

  This was odd. No local in their right mind would cross Carter.

  “Okay,” Bert said, his mind racing. “I can spare an hour or so.”

  Carter snorted. “Don’t worry, you’ll get paid.”

  Bert ignored the insult and asked, “So who are we going to see?”

  “You’ll find out when we get there,” Carter said, then added, “and whatever you do, keep your damn mouth shut and don’t do anything unless I give the order.”

  “Got it,” Bert said, wondering what new fun he’d gotten himself into.

  ***

  The cave was dark, dank, and reeked of rotting death. The air was cool, yet thick and musky.

  Carter led the pack, his staff guiding them with a soft light. Arthur, Larry, Barry, and a handful of

  other wizards had joined them for the little field trip. The sound of every crunching footstep echoed through the darkness and Bert noticed that everyone, save Carve, seemed a bit uneasy.

  Sharp wasn’t helping. “Uh, Bert, I don’t think you should be here.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it smells like rotting death. If that’s not enough to make you tuck your tail and run, well, I don’t want to ruin the surprise.”

  “Then why say anything at all?”

  “I didn’t know if you’d gotten the memo that you’re in way over your fat head.”

  From somewhere in the lower depths came a low rumble. Beside him Larry gulped. Whatever was down there, he had a sneaking suspicion Sharp was right. He had no business messing with it.

  Finally, they found themselves in a large cavern. The light from Carter’s staff seemed small and insignificant in the vast darkness. Around him, the wizards seemed tense, and Bert couldn’t tell if they were ready to fight or flee.

  From the darkness came the sound of stone scraping stone. The entire cave seemed to shift as if it were going to collapse.

  When the voice spoke it was raspy and deep. It sounded like nothing Bert had ever heard. Like air scraping through stone. It said, “Wiiizzzzaardds!”

  Carter replied, “Yes, you know me.”

  It spat back, “I remember you, little wizard man!”

  “We are here to talk,” Carter said, his voice iron.

  “I have no desire to speak with your kind.”

  Carter gritted his teeth. “I’m not asking you. I’m telling you.”

  It felt like the air was being sucked out of the cave. The wall ahead shifted, as though it were breathing.

  No, he realized, it was breathing. Before he could contemplate further, a mass of rocks shot out from the darkness. He thought the cave was collapsing, but there was nowhere to run and in a moment, he was surrounded by rock. He couldn’t move as it encircled him. Then, much to his surprise, he was lifted off the ground. Whatever the thing was, it had just picked him up.

  He stared at the hand which held him. It was human in form but looked like it was made from a pile of rocks. The stone fingers gripped him tight, not hard enough to harm him, but he wasn’t getting away either.

  “What the hell is this thing?” Bert asked Sharp, fighting down his panic.

  Sharp sighed. “He never listens.”

  “That’s enough, troll!” Carter said, raising his staff. The soft light burned brighter, forcing back the shadows of the cave. Bert could see the rest of the creature.

  He’d heard of rock trolls, but thought them legend, like so many other fantastical creatures. He’d never imagined he’d see anything like the being which held him in its grip. It was the size of a building, with school bus-sized arms. Its head was as big as Bert’s house. Yet its face had disturbingly human features, including a nose, a mouth, and even stony eyebrows. Its entire body was composed of rock, from head to toe, everything except its eyes. They were bright white masses, each the size of a car. It reminded him of the Thing from comic books, but gray and much bigger.

  Its face held a scowl equal to Carter’s. Perhaps it had a stick up its butt, too. Or, maybe a whole tree.

  “Put him down,” Carter said, his voice calm and commanding.

  “I will crush his bones,” it replied, leaning its massive head toward Carter.

  “You’ll regret it if you do.”

  “Why? Why shouldn’t I crush him? You are trespassers here. Tell me why I should not crush all of you?”

  “Well,” Bert said, “personally, I’d be grateful if you didn’t crush me.”

  Much to his surprise, Carter and the troll spoke at the same time. “Shut up!”

  They both glared at him.

  “Right.” Bert nodded. “Me no talkie. Got it.”

  “Why have you come to my home, wizard? Have you come to test your might? Not many of my kind left in this world. Thanks to you little things and your magic.”

  His disdain for wizards made clear, Bert couldn’t help wondering what’d happen if the creature decided to squeeze. Would his head pop like a zit? Would his blood seep through its fingers like a fresh squeezed orange?

  “We’re not here to fight,” Carter said. “We’ve come to talk about the cattle.”

  The rock troll sighed and dropped Bert. He landed on his ass, but despite the pain, he was happy to be free.

  “You little things have no honor. In my day, battle decided all disputes. All you do is talk, talk, talk!”

  Carter shrugged. “That may be true, but as you said, there aren’t many of your kind left. We aren’t your enemy, troll. We’re here to see that your kind survives.”

  The troll laughed. “What future is there for us?”

  Carter ignored his question. “You’ve been st
ealing too many cows. People are starting to notice. There aren’t so many cattle thieves roaming about that we can continue hiding it. We bring you food. No more stealing.”

  “If they aren’t strong enough to protect them, then by right of might, they are mine!”

  “These aren’t the old days. If the humans discover you… You know what they’ll do.”

  “Let them send their armies.” He smashed his fist against his chest, causing the cave to tremble. “I do not fear them!”

  “And what about their scientists? Do you fear them? Or have you forgotten?”

  The troll was silent for a moment, then with a resigned sigh, said, “I have not forgotten.”

  “Then we won’t have a problem with you stealing cattle any longer?”

  The troll waved its arm dismissively, then turned its back to them. With the sound of rock smashing rock, it sat down.

  Bert felt a pang in his chest. Like so many other supernatural creatures, its existence had to remain hidden. But because of its massive size, the creature was tucked away in a cave to be forgotten. It was no wonder the thing craved battle, or even stealing cows, for that matter.

  “I’ll not take any more cattle,” it said. Bert couldn’t help but note the sorrow in its voice. “The good ole days have passed. My patience for your presence isn’t far behind.”

  With that, Carter led them back out of the cave.

  Chapter 11