Different as Night and Day

by Lennon, Leigh

  “It’s okay, M, you’re okay. You can’t talk right now, nor should you try.”

  I have so many questions and I can’t ask a fucking one.

  “Let me do all the talking, save yourself for now.”

  Even attempting to nod, pain from my shoulders overtakes me. My wince must alert him to the agony I’ve inflicted on myself.

  “Let me start from the beginning. You were in a fire.”

  I want to give him a puzzled look but I can’t do even such a simple thing.

  “Scottie and Holland are okay, you got Scotland out. Elise is with her. But she’s fine.”

  I’m lost. What is he telling me? Then it hits me, my dream is not the nightmare I’d thought. It was real. My attempt to sit up in bed is dictated by my body, wanting to remain in the down position. I’m left at Ned’s whims to finish telling me everything. Holland. Fuck, Holland. She would have been going out of her mind. Then my memory moves backward to the kiss, my hands roving all over her body.

  “Holland is okay, she’s worried about you. But she’s okay.”

  Then why isn’t she here? I need to see her. I want her still, as I did when I unclasped her bra and held her breasts in my hands for the first time as her lips crashed with mine. Shit, how can I think of this now? I can because it has been all I’ve wanted for the past ten months.

  “She’s very upset about the fire and your injuries.”

  My brain is the only thing functioning. I need to know more about Holland but for now, I hope my eyes plead with Ned to shoot straight with me, my injuries, recovery, limitations.

  “M, I’m telling you, she’s fine.”

  But I know my friend enough to realize he’s keeping something from me. The only control I have over my body is my eyes. I make them as big as I can, my own silent pleading, like, what are you not telling me, Ned?

  “She’s not here because between the stress and all, she passed out. They’re observing her for the next twenty-four hours, but it’s just a precaution.”

  I close my eyes, my girl, I’m not with her.

  “And Elise has Scotland, due to her age, they’re keeping her overnight, too.”

  My world, my two girls—I’m separated from them. My heart cracks as it had when Christine told me we lost Scott.

  “This has got to be déjà vu all over again, having just lost Scott.” My best friend knows me so well. “But they’re both all right. As soon as I can, we’ll get Scottie and Holland in here.”

  With his reassurance, I have more I need to know. How do I ask about my injuries? I groan, hoping to get more questions answered.

  “Your injuries, M, your back and legs are burned. After many consultations, they don’t think you’ll need surgery right away, maybe skin grafts.”

  He’s keeping something back. I know what it is. He won’t be the one to tell me, not right now, but I can feel it. My hand, the one that helps me build my beautiful furniture, is injured. I nod, he knows I know. But all I want—all I demand right now are my two girls. With them in my life—I can do anything.

  Chapter 2

  My eyes blink open to the sounds of a baby. Where am I? With one barely open, I realize it’s my baby. It takes me a brief second, really only a half of a second to regain my memory of the past twenty-four hours. Elise has Scotland in her arms, bouncing her up and down on her knees.

  “Well, look who’s back, Scottie.” Elise is a natural with my baby. As Elise cradles her, I struggle to sit up.

  “How long have I been out? Why is Scotland out of her room?”

  “Oh, sugar,” Elise hums. “It’s morning. You’ve slept through the night. You were responsive, so they let you sleep.”

  She stands, placing Scotland into the crook of my arm. The splitting headache has made it impossible to even sit up. But I hurt in other areas of my body, too. My boobs are about to burst. It takes no time for Scottie to latch on. There’s so much milk, she chokes at first. Readjusting my body, we get into a groove as a side of me dispels part of my pain.

  “Oh, she missed her mama. She took a bottle, but she wasn’t happy about it,” Elise begins. “They want to keep you a little longer but they’ve discharged your little champ.”

  “It doesn’t matter if I’m discharged. It’s not like we have a home to go to.” It hits me—I’ve not asked about Maguire. I jolt, tension invading my body enough that Scotland unlatches. She’s in tune with my moods and begins to cry. Soothing her for a second with a kiss on the forehead, the baby begins to nurse again as if this is her last meal. “Maguire, how is he?”

  A smile covers her face. “Well, I know Maguire will be a lot better once he sees you and his grandbaby. He may need some skin grafts, he’ll be here for a few more weeks and will need occupational therapy on his hand. And as for you not having a home, you’ll stay with us until M is discharged or until your house is repaired.”

  I shake my head, and she stops what she’s about to say.

  “I don’t understand.”

  My eyes stay fixed on Scotland’s dark black hair. As she gets older, it gets darker and it's what keeps my focus.

  “Holls, honey, what’s going on?”

  “I can’t go back….” My mind returns to less than twenty-four hours ago, how my father-in-law’s lips felt on my own. How they were so different, so much more commanding than my husband’s had ever been.

  “We can come up with a new plan if you don’t want to return to the garage apartment. I mean, I get it.”

  My hand reaches out to touch the top of Scottie’s hair. It’s so soft. And to think I could have lost her due to my lust—for her grandpa. “No, Elise, back to Maguire’s—I can’t go back there. I can’t live with him.”

  My eyes don’t reach hers when an understanding permeates the air.

  “Oh, Holland, no…” The shame of her words, her silent accusations fill the room.

  My face burns with the memory. And I should feel like a hussy. I am one but his hands on my body felt all kinds of right mixed with a hell of a lot of wrongs all at once.

  “Do you think I want this? To care for him? To…” I stop because I’m not sure I can say it.

  “To what, Holland, what is it?”

  I raise my eyes, meeting Elise’s bright blues. “To love him, Elise. I love him. Do you think I want this? But my mind is not in control. It’s my heart.”

  “Oh, sweetie.” She stands from where we had been conversing like girlfriends. “I’m not judging you. Don’t think this. I just…hell, I don’t know what to say. I mean, Ned and I had our speculations.”

  She’s maternally rubbing my hand. I know this, now, after being a mom for less than three months, the touch. And it’s something I never understood I had missed, but now, having her near me is everything.

  “But, honey, I don’t understand, why keep your distance? I mean, it’s dicey but you’re right. Never in a million years would you wish this upon yourself. So, why push him away?”

  The tears, I swear I’m not entitled to, spill from my eyes. “My lust, my need, took priority over Scotland. I was out of the house and this is all my fault.”

  “Holland, honey, you were practically as close to her as you would have been if you were in the living room. It’s a cop-out and you know it. Hell, honey, without M there, you both could have been trapped upstairs and the thought is too much to take.”

  I direct my gaze back to my daughter, moving her to the other breast, which is painful now. “I can’t, not now. It’s been less than a year since losing Scott. I just can’t. If I could stay with you until I can make other arrangements. I mean, I can stay with Teagan but she has more women in and out of her house than a…” I don’t finish my analogy when Elise lifts her hand.

  “Oh, stop there. You’re not staying with her; the slut.” She giggles at her own words. She loves Teagan, but we all know the girl and her ways. “You’re more than welcome to stay with us as long as you want. As a matter of fact, I have Teag
an and Josh picking up an order of everything you need at Walmart. I ordered it last night. A porta-crib, diapers, clothes, undies for you, and a hell of a lot more.”

  For the first time in almost twenty-four hours, I have something that makes me laugh. “I’m glad you made it clear you ordered it because if you left it to Teagan, I’d have lingerie and Scottie would have thong underwear.”

  “Ah, you know me so well.” As if this has been scripted, Teagan turns the corner, a new diaper bag in her hands. “Shit, Elise, you bought a fuck ton of shit. Glad we had Josh’s truck.” Her eyes land on me. “Better cover the tittie-feeder, Josh is right behind me.”

  She grabs me a blanket from the diaper bag and it’s right then everything hits me. I don’t even have Scotland’s favorite blanket or her teddy bear. The swing Jase bought for me is ruined. We have to start all over. Teagan doesn’t stop, she makes her way over to Scottie and me.

  “Little mama, don’t ever fucking do that to me again.” She lifts up the blanket, kissing Scottie on the forehead.

  Josh’s voice floods the room. “Hell, Holls, you know she’s been waiting to get that close to your tits.”

  We all laugh at Josh’s words.

  Teagan turns. “Hell, Josh, don’t give away all my secrets.”

  Even in the humor, I can’t forget about what we’ve been through. “I’ve lost everything, Teagan, after Scott, I have to start all over again.”

  She leans in close to my ear. “Holls, you didn’t lose everything. All the shit can be replaced, honey, you and Scottie can’t. So, if we have to shop for days to get you what you need, I’ll pick up everything from Walmart, Target, Bed Bath and Beyond, and whatever fucking store you need me to.” This is coming from the one woman who hates to shop more than her next period. “Holls, you’re so fucking strong, you’ll get through this, I promise you.”

  She holds onto me tight, and I don’t care if one of my boobs is hanging out. I have a family this time, a support system, and she’s right, I’ll get through this.

  The light from the paint-chipped windows fills my room. My pain had been so intense, the medicine must have knocked me out. With one quick turn of my head, I witness the reason copious snores invade the machines around me. My friend, he didn’t leave my side. This is the definition of family. Blood doesn’t always matter, but this dedication has me choking up. When I try to speak, I hear just a little of what my voice had sounded like yesterday. But, as much as

  Ned being in the room means to me, I need to see Scotland and Holland. I need to hold her, hold them both to make sure they’re real.

  My thoughts travel to the kiss, her lips on mine, on my neck, on my shoulder. Oh, this is a mess, but the heart can’t help who it loves. If it did, I’d surely have a talk with it. Oh, I’d have a heart to heart with my heart, that’s for sure.

  When the doorknob wiggles a bit, my hope is for Holland to be on the other side of it. No such luck. It looks like a nurse, not that I’d know. This is the most aware I’ve been since finding out about Holland and her fainting spell.

  “Mr. Parrish. You’re awake. This is good news.” She has a portable computer with her. “I’m going to administer more pain meds. But for now, on a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst, what is your pain?” I try to speak when she shakes her head at me. “Give your poor throat some time to heal. Just nod when I get to the right number. Is it a seven?”

  I shake my head no and she continues, “An eight?” I nod, yes. I’ve always had a high threshold for pain but this is…shit, I don’t have the words.

  “Okay, the doctor will be in here later to discuss your treatment plan. This medicine will kick in soon, about ten minutes. You’ll be more comfortable.” She leaves and I’m left to wonder about Scottie and Holland as Ned’s snores cut logs.

  “M, you hear me, bud?” It’s the faint voice of a woman but it’s not the one I need to see with my own eyes. “Hey, honey, I want to make sure you’re okay.”

  “Let the poor kid sleep.”

  I love how at over forty, Ned still calls me kid from time to time.

  I have to work hard to open my eyes, but I will them open. Elise’s bright blue eyes stare back at me. “Shit, M, you want attention, there’s a better way to get it.” She doesn’t touch me, and Elise is a toucher. She must know the pain I’m in. I open my mouth and she begins to fuss.

  “Holland.” It’s all I get out. I mean, it’s all I have the strength to get out.

  “She’s being released now. She’s staying with us until we can make plans.”

  I’ve always been a man of few words but shit, this is torture. “My house.” I don’t know how I’m able to form them, but I do.

  Elise is all smiles, the positive woman she’s been in my life. “We don’t want her to be alone. She’s shaken.”

  I barely move my head but acknowledge her. “See her?” I’m able to croak out, but I’m sure my word count has been exhausted today.

  “She’ll be in here soon.” Elise gives me a kiss and I drift back to sleep. I can’t keep my eyes open.

  I’m not sure how long I’m out until all that saturates my mind are the sounds of a baby. My baby! My eyes again seem glued shut and I’m trying everything to get them pried open as fast as I can.

  “Keep talking to Grandpa, Scottie.”

  Ah, her voice is the only other thing forcing me to unlock these lids.

  “He’s waking, baby, see, Gramps will be just fine,” she goads me with the word gramps all the time. “Keep talking, baby.”

  I finally summon all my strength and open them, immediately locking on the dark chocolate eyes of my Holland. A small smile creeps onto her face. “Sarge.” Is the only word to flow from her lips. The tears begin and she reaches for my hand and pulls back.

  “Touch,” I command. And she softly touches my forearm. I don’t care if it scorches, I need her hand on mine.

  “Elise says you shouldn’t talk. But I couldn’t leave without seeing you. I mean, hell, you risked your life for Scottie.” I want to tell her it was never a choice or an option. “Teagan and Josh picked up everything we need for the time being, at Elise’s command. I’ll stay with Ned and Elise until I can make other arrangements.”

  “My house with me.” My throat is officially on fire. Her sweet smile gives me hope—with Holland next to me, I’ll heal even if I can’t ever build again.

  “We’ll cross that bridge when you’re home. But for now, I couldn’t leave without seeing you.” She leans over and kisses me gently on my forehead. “Rest, I’ll see you soon.” As quickly as she had been in my presence, she’s gone, and it makes me wonder if I simply dreamt her.

  Chapter 3

  I’ve lost my home, I’ve shattered my relationship with Maguire, and now I’m face-to-face with the one person I don’t like on a good day—let alone when my life is in shambles. Christine is holding Scotland so tight my girl begins to fuss. Maguire was right when he once told me my baby could sense stress in others. I’m almost positive it’s why she’s so fussy.

  “Christine, I think she’s tired. Let me get her down and once she’s up, you can snuggle with her more.” Or should I say squeeze her?

  My mother-in-law leans over and gives her a kiss, handing me my baby who calms with my touch. “I’m sorry, she probably can tell I’m freaked out.”

  It took Christine all of one day to get here after the fire.

  The mother in law from hell begins, “I could have lost her, and I don’t think any of us could take another tragedy.”

  She’s right on this point. “I know, Christine, I get it, for sure.” I stand to take Scotland back to the bedroom we’re staying in at Elise and Ned’s when Elise scoops Scottie from me.

  “Let me get her, dear, I want you to rest.”

  I’d not slept well the previous night. It’s been forty-eight hours since the fire and we’re still on pins and needles. “Have you gone to see Maguire, yet?” I ask, trying to force some s
ort of conversation between the two of us. We don’t have the relationship where we idly chitchat like girlfriends.

  “Yeah, when Ned picked me up. We were in Redding and swung by to see him. I’m devastated over his hand. I mean, the man is a hero, but I don’t understand why you were outside and he was inside. How did that happen?”

  Shit, and I had high hopes the bitch would not be so invasive.

  Strolling back in the room with her perfect timing, Elise begins, “She went down like a champ, Holls.”

  And the question is dropped, for now but as I’ve learned with Christine, she’ll probe and poke until she gets the answers she seeks.

  I walk around the small apartment, which has no character when the property manager begins, “This is the only unit I have open, for now. It’s just under a thousand square feet with two bedrooms, two baths, and comes with a washer and dryer hookup. If you’d like, you can rent them or you can bring your own.”

  I bring my fingers to my lips and begin to tremble. Coral Creek is a small town. Everyone heard of the fire. It’s not lost on her when she begins, “I’ll tell you what, until your insurance money comes in, I can add the washer and dryer units for free.”

  I raise my head to her, I can feel the smile peek out from my face and I answer, “I’d appreciate it.” I’m not concerned about the money. I still have Scott’s insurance I can pull from, but I have to start all over like I did when Scott died. This seems like cruel and unusual punishment from the deity above—all the shit slung at me in less than one year.

  “Okay, I’ll take it. When can I move in?”

  And with a signed lease, at least I have a temporary home we can call our own.

  Two weeks—the amount of time I’ve been away from the apartment I loved so much. I’ve not been back to Maguire’s property yet. Ned and Elise drove to his house to get my SUV. The idea of seeing the charred remains of my home causes the stomach acid to rise in the back of my throat. And Scott’s truck, which had been in the garage—I can’t bring myself to look at. Elise assured me there’s not much damage and it’s all cosmetic, but I know I have to repaint the truck he loved so much. Letting someone else do it causes my mind to swim—no, it causes me to drown.