Scottie is in the high chair when Holland graces us with her presence. “What the fuck—Sarge? Why didn’t you wake me up? I have this thing called work.”
Yeah, I know I’ve pushed Holland when she lets loose with the “f” word. “Holland,” I begin.
“Fuck you!” She’s charging toward me, about to grab Scottie from her high chair. I rise quickly.
“Listen, it’s noon. I tried to wake you up, and you didn’t budge. Scottie was even screaming last night and you still didn’t move. So, no reason to be pissed or take it out on your daughter, while I’m trying to feed her.”
She concedes and I return to feeding Scotland. “Now, are you done with your tantrum?” I ask.
She slumps into a chair across from me. “You don’t have to be an ass,” she deadpans.
“Oh, darlin’, you’ve seen nothing yet.” I wink at her to let her know I’m teasing a bit.
She sighs, laying her head on the kitchen table. She turns so she can see me. “It’s just you can’t mess with my work schedule. I don’t want everyone thinking I get special treatment.”
I chuckle and I’m about to leave her statement alone when she asks, “What’s your stupid little laugh about?”
“Oh, darlin’, no matter how much I try, I can’t help it, you’ll always come before work. You won’t just be my employee. I know it’s not fair but if I have to—I’ll always put you first and this morning when you didn’t budge, I didn’t hesitate to take charge. So, you can be pissed at me all you want and call me every name in the book but it’s how it will always be.”
She stands and flips me off. “So, now that I’m off for the day, I’ll collect my stuff and my daughter and head home.”
“Try again, darlin’. While you were asleep, Scottie and I went into town to collect some stuff to go to the lake for the day. We’re taking the boat out. I grabbed your swimsuit, too.”
“You went through my drawers?”
Standing proudly, my response is quick. “Someone had to grab something for you to wear, unless you would like to go naked.” I have Scottie out of her high chair and the two of us escape from her eyes that must be shooting daggers my way if I had to guess, leaving her alone in my kitchen.
Chapter 7
Everything he’s packed for me happens to be in one big bag. I pull out my swimsuit and of course, it’s the one from last year, which was before my body completely changed from one tiny baby.
I'm mumbling down the hallway when I stop. I mean, I have no choice. Maguire is shirtless, holding Scottie near his body, while he’s packing what I think may be our lunch.
“What are you jabbering about down there?” he asks, not looking up from his work in progress.
“First,” I begin. “You grabbed last year’s swimsuit.”
He’s still paying attention to our sandwiches as if they’re his next masterpiece. “I snatched what I remember you wearing, darlin’. Why wouldn’t it fit?”
“Um, well, my body has changed—if you haven’t noticed. Things aren’t back to where they used to be.” I can’t believe what’s come out of my mouth until he replies.
“Yeah, darlin’, believe me I’ve noticed and I’m fucking positive you can pull it off.” It’s the first time he’s stopped what he’s doing and looks at me. My frown probably makes him think I’m pissed he swore in front of Scottie. He smiles his freaking panty-melting smile and only says, “Sorry, little darlin’.” I let it go. I’m not ready to challenge him right now. “So, what’s number two?”
“Uh?” I get closer, wrapping the towel covering me up, tighter around me. The jerk forgot some sort of cover-up for me. I’m positive it was on purpose.
“You said first like there was more,” Maguire reminds me.
Oh, yeah, I almost forgot with his words that had undone me; I have more to fuss at him about. “Right—thanks for the reminder, you’re spoiling my child. All you do when you’re around her is hold her. I’m one parent. I can’t have her attached to my body all the time.”
He looks up from where he’s dressing the sandwich with his right hand, holding Scottie with his left. A smug smile forms on his face when his eyes narrow in on me. “Well, tough titty said the kitty.”
I stand looking at him and I’m about to say something when a pickle gets slung at my cheek. “See, I’m also safe when I’m holding the baby—bonus points!”
“What are you, like five years old, Sarge?” I ask and all of this in front of me is the reason I’m so at home with this man. He comforts me, takes care of me when I drink too much beer, loves on my baby and about ten million other things that make Maguire Parrish the man I want to grow old with but can’t.
Scottie doesn’t love her life jacket and why would she? She’s stiff as a cactus in the desert. “She’s not happy about this,” I say as he backs the boat from the dock.
“Yeah, there’s a beach a little way up, we’ll get out and wade in the water. By this time next year, she’s going to be crazy over the lake.”
I move next to him on the seat, as he takes off, the wind whips at all of our faces. I lean over and ask, “Did Scott like the water? Did you take him out a lot?”
He never shared a lot of what he and his dad did. It was pretty private to him, as his time with his dad was his own. I mean, I got nuggets and the stuff he shared with me, and it made me understand how influential Maguire had always been in his life.
“Oh, yeah, Scott was born to live on the water. Didn’t the two of you spend a lot of time at the beaches? What, you were a half-hour away, right?”
My lips turn upward at this memory. “Our favorite beach was forty minutes, Topsail Beach. We’d go every weekend he wasn’t on duty.”
I think he kept us both separate. I never understood this until now. “Hey, I have a question for you?” I ask and he slows down the boat so I don’t have to yell too much.
“Yeah, darlin’?” he asks.
“Why do you think he didn’t share much about his life, about me with you and vice versa?” I ask, I have my own assumptions, but I’d like to know Maguire’s opinions.
This takes him a second to ponder. “I often wondered it, too. Why you didn’t come out with him when he’d come to visit. He brought Mark once, which surprised me but Scott told me he needed a good male role model. Then I thought it was money, but I always offered to pay your way. I’m not sure. Maybe he was programmed this way, from his life with Christine. He didn’t share much with her. She didn’t want to hear it. I had to force him to share anything with me. Or maybe, having limited time with all of us, he just wanted to enjoy life in the moment.”
I nod, trying to take in everything Maguire is sharing with me, compartmentalizing all of it. “Yeah, I guess it makes sense.”
He grabs onto my hand. “But I don’t want that with us, darlin’. I mean, I know we might not get to where I’d like us to be, but I don’t want you to hide from me. I want to know it all.”
What can I say? What can I do? He’s never hidden his intentions, ever. But he’s not pushing me either.
“I’ll try, Sarge. It’s the best I can do right now,” I answer.
“It’s all I can ask of you, darlin’.”
He’s loading an exhausted baby in my car later in the evening after he insists on feeding me dinner, again. Walking around to the driver’s side, he leans into my rolled-down window. “I had a great day, darlin’.” His lips hover over my own lips for a second when he moves to my forehead, placing the sweetest kiss on it. “This place is lonely without you. I understand why you need your space, but please know, there’s always room here for you. Got it?”
I nod my head yes and he removes himself from the SUV when I roll up the window with a little wave. I’m about to turn onto the main road leading to town when the ringer on my phone threatens to wake Scotland, I pick it up fast, not looking at the name.
“Gorgeous, where are you?”
“Jase?” I ask but there’s on
ly one person in this world who calls me this. “I’m in my car. Why do you ask?”
“I’m at your front door. You say you never go anywhere on the weeknights and that you’re anal over Scottie’s schedule.”
“I never used the word anal, Jase,” I begin when he starts to laugh.
“Oh, yeah, I forgot, it was Teagan’s word. Anyway, get your gorgeousness home. I can’t wait to see you.”
What’s up with this man never letting me know he’s on his way. “Okay, okay, Mr. Bossy. I’m on my way.”
He’s in front of my parking spot, his hands folded around his chest. Shit, why can’t I will my heart to love him? He’s great. Loyal to a fault and handsome as the next up and coming heartthrob.
He’s at Scottie’s side, grabbing her car seat from the base. When I come around, a broad smile crawls over his handsome lips. With the car seat in one hand, he envelops me into a huge hug. “Shit, gorgeous, you’re a sight for sore eyes.”
I wink at him and I add, “Yeah, you’re not too bad to look at either, Doc.” He gives me a peck on the cheek and pulls me into his side as we begin to walk up to the second story.
Pulling Scotland from her car seat, I settle in on the couch to nurse her for the night. Jase, ever the gentleman, begins to put away some of the perishable items in Scottie’s diaper bag. By the time he settles in, Scottie is going to town on her nighttime meal, covered up.
“So, tell me, what in the world are you doing here, and why didn’t you let me know you were coming?” I ask.
His eyes don’t leave my face, sitting kitty-corner from me in my sizable reclining chair. “Well, I thought I’d be stuck in textbooks this coming weekend. I went to class today, had a pre-test and aced it. My professor gave all of us who did well on it the rest of the week off.” He leans forward, his hands on his knees. “And there was only one place I wanted to be, with you and Scotland.”
My entire body heats at his words like they do when I sip my wine at first. But this is more. I can’t say I don’t know what it’s like to be desired. Hell, every time Maguire’s gaze falls on me, it’s as evident as the absence of Scott in my life. But, with Jase, it’s not forbidden, it’s not wrong. In a way—it’s cruel to let Jase fall for me when I can’t reciprocate in the same way.
“Well, I’m glad you’re here,” I reply and it’s not a lie. Jase will always be someone important in my life.
His fingers begin to shake when he rubs them on his jeans. He’s nervous. It’s beyond cute and it confirms how much he desires to be a part of my life. “So,” he begins. His eyes avert to the ground. “Is there any way I can talk you into playing hooky tomorrow?” His question is elevated with excitement at the idea.
“Ah, fiddlesticks, I played hooky today. Well, and the fact I sort of drank a little too much beer the night before.” He has to see the sun on my face and shoulders but he doesn’t ask what I’ve done or who I’ve been with.
“But, I don’t have plans this weekend—except for brunch with Elise, which is early morning and I’m yours for the rest of the day.”
Scooting over to the couch, he leans in and kisses me on the cheek. “Now, this is what I like to hear.”
I pull into the parking lot five minutes late. Diane is not a hard ass, but I never want to take advantage of her, especially since her boss called in sick for me yesterday. Teagan is at my desk when I rush through the double doors leading to the design center.
She’s tapping her fingers, a superior smile on her face.
“Yeah, yeah, Teagan. Just come out and say what you need to say or ask what you want to know.”
Today, she has on a tight black tank top to help with the hot warehouse. I laugh at her shirt. From the second I met this girl, I understood she’s proud of her sexuality. But her top has to make everyone stop in their tracks when I read, “Feline lover.” Sure, you have to read between the lines, but I know where her mind is and she hates cats with a passion.
“Oh, there’s so much I need to know. And Diane called in sick today so it’s just you and me.” I’m placing my purse and tea on my design desk as Teagan takes over my work desk. “So, what crawled up Maguire’s ass this morning?”
She’s hinted before at what Maguire and I share. She wants details because she’s nosy as hell.
“I don’t have the know-all on Maguire Parrish just because we share the same last name.” And honestly, I have no idea. When I left last night, he was happy as a clam. I’m not in the mood for her hundred questions anyway. If I was nursing a hangover yesterday, I’m certainly doing so again. Jase and I were up way too late catching up and must have drunk three bottles of wine between us. He was in no shape to drive and passed out on the couch. When I woke up way too late to get Scottie to daycare and me to work on time, he offered to watch her for the day.
“Okay, so Josh mentioned Jase was going to come back to town yesterday but never made it home. Something I need to know?”
I can’t get over her question when my arms cross at my chest. “Are you going to tell me about your last conquest?”
“I can. If it gets me the answers I want,” she adds, walking by, smacking my ass.
She’s at the door when I say, “You’re lucky I don’t file a sexual harassment case against you, bitch.”
“You love me. Again, when you realize dick is too much drama, let me know, k?” She winks and is out the door, but I know her meddling ways aren’t over, that’s for sure.
Two hours into my newest order, I sense eyes boring in on me. I stop working, turning around, Maguire’s eyes are darker than usual. I guess Teagan was right. Something crawled up his ass.
“Um, hey, you’re freaking me out a bit, Sarge.” I look down at his hand; he’s holding her blanket sleeper, the one she seems to sleep the best in.
“You forgot this yesterday and I tried to call you as soon as you left the house, but it kept going to voice mail.” He hands it to me; the blanket is practically cold from the iciness in his tone. “I brought it your way. Got there around the time you pulled in yourself. But you had company.” He turns away without much more of an explanation.
“Maguire, wait—” I implore, but what do I say? I don’t owe him an explanation.
“What is there to talk about, Holland?” I know he’s pissed when he calls me by my name. “I thought we were making strides.”
“And what do you want me to say, Sarge? I can’t move on with Jase. Is that what you want to know? If I could will myself to love someone, it would be Jase Elton. He’s everything I should want. And he’s my age and guess what? He’s not the father of my dead husband. But no, my heart’s not listening to me. Because you know very well where my heart is.” At this point, I’m relieved the design center is in the back of the warehouse and no one can see unless they’re walking by to witness this interaction between my father-in-law and me. “But guess what? It’s all for nothing because you know we can’t be together. The last time we were, the universe punished us and it was a warning I won’t ignore.”
“That’s always your answer. But fuck, darlin’, we’ve lost so much, don’t we deserve happiness? Even if it’s what you call forbidden.” He says those words before I can stop him again.
I had to watch when Jase grabbed my grandbaby as if he belongs with Holland and Scottie, like a happy family of three. I had wanted to pull the baby carrier from him. I wanted to cuddle with Scotland, being the only man she’d ever see as a father figure. It’s sick. I know, but it doesn’t stop my desire any less.
I’m back at my desk after the showdown between the two of us. I’m tired of pussyfooting around this subject—the love we have for one another. I don’t see it going anywhere anytime soon. The emotions came upon us quickly. We’ve spent so long denying it like it’s wrong but what’s more of an injustice—to love who you love openly or deny a deep love that may never come around a second time.
I know my answer. But only Holland can answer this herself. Before I can internal
ize more about the two of us, Ned welcomes himself into the office. But he’s not his typical smiling teddy bear type who's been a fixture in my life for many years.
“Hey, bud, what’s up?” I ask.
He sits down and when he rakes his fingers through his gray hair, I understand this isn’t a simple meet and greet over a new design concept.
He pops his head up and his eyes are almost glossed over. But I don’t have to look too deep. Tears stain his face. I’m up from behind my desk, standing right in front of him.
“It’s back—M. The cancer, it’s back.”
My heart falls. It doesn’t even sink. I try to steady myself because this is Elise. It’s my best friend’s wife and I understand a loss so significant—your life will never be the same.
My body shakes, I can barely steady myself. “Ah, Ned. I don’t have the words,” I begin but what can I say? Two weeks before Scott died—we had gotten the all-clear about Elise. Now, almost a year later, Ned has to face a life without her if chemo is not successful again.
“I know, M. I get it. And with your hand, it’s a shit time for me to need a break but…”
“But, nothing. There’s nothing to say. We’ve prepared John; he’s more than capable.”
“But you can’t build and I can’t…”
“So, we’ve made a name for ourselves. We’ll be okay. And my hand, every day, it gets stronger. I can still design. You take as much time as you need. Go be with Elise and don’t give work a second thought.”
But my mind goes to something—a loss I know someone else can’t watch, nor do I want her to. “What about Holland?” I ask.
“Elise doesn’t have it in her to tell Holland. I’m not sure how Elise can love her as deeply as she does after not yet a year, but my wife loves that girl as her daughter. Scottie as her granddaughter. I hate to do this to you but can you…”
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