I raise my hand, cutting him off. “Anything for you, brother. I’ll do anything for you.”
I’m at her apartment and my hand doesn’t even make contact with her door when it opens and Jase is right smack in front of me. I’ve not seen him much. He steers clear of me generally except for the day when he’d been helping Holland and needed to run to his house.
“Maguire, hey.” He has a bag of trash in one hand and Scottie in his other hand. The second she sees me, she squeals, attempting to reach for me. I take her from him without asking. “Oh, someone loves her gramps,” he begins. “Give me a second. I’ll be right back. Just taking this to the dumpster.”
“Where’s Holland?” I ask, her car is in her spot.
“She has my BMW. She stopped by the store on her way from work.”
What. The. Actual. Fuck, I wonder and my head is foggy with so many visions. Scottie and I are out of the heat of the July summer when I look around her apartment. A pillow is on the couch and it seems slept in. I take this as good news.
When he returns, he makes a beeline for the kitchen. “So, has Holland not been home yet?” I ask. Yeah, it’s not my business but ask me if I give a fuck? The answer is a fat fucking no.
“No,” he returns, turning to wipe his wet hands.
I’m bouncing Scottie and wait for some explanation and I get none. “Have you had Scottie all day?” I ask and he shrugs his shoulders, sitting down kitty-corner from me.
“Look, I know you don’t like me. I understand why. Plus, well, we’ve had words in the past. So, I’ll just put it out there for you. I surprised Holls yesterday. We had a little too much wine last night. I slept on her couch and when she overslept, I offered to keep Scottie for the day. That’s it. Nothing has ever happened with us. Not for my lack of trying, but I understand her heart lies with someone else.”
“Yeah, glad you understand, man. I mean, Scott has only been gone for less than a year.”
Leaning over with his elbows on his knees, his eyes narrow in on mine. “I think we both know I’m not talking about Scott.” He falls back in the chair, his hands over his head. “If anyone knows how easy Holls is to fall for, it’s you. So, it can’t come as a surprise that I care for her. Hell, I more than care for her. But I’m not going to push. But given a chance, you bet your bottom dollar; I’ll pursue it.”
Well, can’t fault the kid for having good taste or being entirely honest with me. “I can respect all of this,” I begin. “As long as I know you’re not pushing.”
He shrugs again. “She’s special. We both know this.” Shifting in the chair, Jase is not done. “So, did you come over to have a heart to heart with me?”
“Um, not really, though I can say I respect you a hell of a lot for putting it out there for me. I need to talk to Holland about something family related. Could you give us some space? I’m not asking for the whole night and honestly, Holland will need a friend, I can tell you this much.”
He stands, walking over to me and leans over until his lips reach my granddaughter’s forehead. “I had fun with you today, squirt. I’ll see you later.” He grabs for his keys and looks at them for a second. “I have Holland’s car.”
I toss him my truck keys. “We live close. Take my truck. I’ll bring your car by tonight.”
He leaves once he catches the keys without a goodbye. Shit, I don’t want to like this kid but I sort of do. Too bad he won’t be getting the girl.
Scottie is gnawing at my hand when she begins to cry. “Are you hungry, little darlin’?” I maneuver her into her high chair and search the cupboards for baby food. “Ah, I found it. How about some prunes?” She giggles at the pitch in my voice.
We’re almost a jar into her dinner when the doorknob jiggles and Holland’s through it with a couple of bags and a confused look. “Hmm, when I left you this morning, Jase, you were younger and not the asshole father-in-law of mine who pries into every part of my life.”
“Ah, he’s a guy, give him a hot minute and he’ll be an asshole. But just not as good looking like myself.” I wink at her, giving Scottie the last bite of her prunes as she begins to whine, wanting more. I’m up and at the cupboard grabbing another jar, this time butternut squash when I look up, and find her stare is still on me.
“What in the world are you doing here, Sarge?” She’s a little pissed. And very cute. She has on a pair of these tight jeans that come to right above the ankle, low boots, and a tight bright purple tank top with a unicorn jumping over a rainbow. Her hair is in a high bun but the loose ends of purple fall from the top. I hate to ruin it all by what I’m about to share with her.
“Sit down, darlin’, I’ve gotta talk to you.”
She's moving her head to the side, as she does when she’s curious or confused. Sitting down at my old table, she leaves the two bags on it next to her. “You didn’t kill Jase, did you?”
I chuckle. We both need a little bit of a laugh before I implode her world. “No, actually, I sort of respect the man.”
She scoots her chair over. “I’m getting out of the way in case lightning strikes.”
But when my eyes and laughter don’t reach hers, her shoulders slump and her hand finds its way to her lips. “Oh, poop storms in summer. What’s gotten you so serious, Sarge?” But even Sarge isn’t said in the teasing way it is typically.
This is not the way I wanted to tell her. But really, any way is not the right way. “Darlin’.” I rub my forehead. “It’s Elise. She’s sick—again. The cancer…it’s…”
I don’t finish the words as my arms open, preparing to receive her. And she needs them wrapped around her small body. As she cries into my side, I continue to feed Scottie, taking care of my girls the only way I know how.
With Scottie fed, and happy in her high chair, I carry Holland back to her room, placing her in bed. “I’ll be right back.”
With Scottie going to bed early, I get her in pajamas and like the wonderful baby she is, I place her in her crib, kissing her on the forehead and she’s asleep before I leave the room.
The sobs filling the apartment are dreadful. They pierce my heart and my soul. They annihilate me as if it’s a knife being twisted into my heart.
“Darlin’, what do you need from me?” I ask from the doorway.
She doesn’t pause before she answers. “Just hold me, please. Just hold me.”
I shuck off my boots. Her wish is my every command. Making my way onto her bed, I pull her tight to me. “You’ll never be alone.” It’s a promise I’ll fucking keep if it’s the last thing I do on this earth.
Chapter 8
The sun floods into the room as the quiet coos fill my ears. I could listen to these sounds coming from the baby monitor all day long. But it takes me a second to place where I am. My one arm is over something soft. If silk and porcelain were to have a baby, it would be what my arms are wrapped around.
I smell her scent. This morning, pineapple and mango if I had to wager a guess. And I love it.
She turns around, still in the clothes from last night and her eyes are wide. They settle in on me and she smiles for a brief moment. “Every time I wake next to you, you become more and more real.” Her hand caresses the stubble on my chin.
“It’s because I am real, darlin’.” I’m confused, when has she woken up with me because if she has, then I’m missing something big. I realize quickly; she thinks she’s dreaming. I should stop her, but I don’t. “What is it we do when we wake?”
She smiles and seems alert. “Um, your hands are normally in my panties, or you’ve pulled them off with your teeth.” Oh, this visual makes the morning wood of my very erect southern gentleman wake up.
“And?” I ask. I’m sure she’ll come to her senses soon but for me, I can have a little enjoyment and fuck, am I ever having some pleasure.
“Sometimes you make love to me—I can’t get enough of you and your huge and wonderful cock.” She closes her eyes again for a brief second. I�
��m watching her so intently when they suddenly pop open, frantically. Ah, the illusion is over. She knows this is real, not a dream. But those words have already painted a very illustrated picture of her desire for me which I always knew was there.
“You’re not a dream; you’re real?” she asks.
“Yeah, darlin’, as real as my huge and wonderful cock you’ve woken up with your words.”
She pushes me back and jumps out of bed. “What the fuck?”
I chuckle. How can I not? “Don’t worry, darlin’, nothing happened. You asked me to hold you and that’s it, but now, I realize you’ve been very busy in your dreams.”
She ignores my statement with a roll of her eyes. “Please tell me the part about Elise was a nightmare.”
“Shit, I wish I could.” I pull on her hand to bring her back to bed. She holds her ground, not coming at me with a tug. Our hands are still connected and she’s staring at them. “No one ever has to know what’s between us,” I remind her as I often do.
She tips her head squarely at me. “But I would know, and heck, Maguire…” She trails off but her intense stare doesn’t stray from my face. Her eyes finally drift down. Sometime in the middle of the night, I got rid of my boots and t-shirt. My jeans are still on though, the belt is gone, too. When her eyes land on what I believe is my abdomen, I chuckle.
“Like what you see?” She doesn’t say anything as I try to get our conversation back on track. “What were you going to say before you got distracted by my body?”
I’ll try anything to get her mind off Elise. “Yeah, you're sure full of yourself.” She sits down, breaking our contact as her back is to my body. “I was going to say; we’re not fooling anyone. Teagan has our number and I’m pretty sure Jase knows it’s the reason I keep him at arm's length.”
I, of course, know this to be true about Jase but I keep this part to myself. I’m about to plead with her, stating life is too short—Elise and Ned are evidence of this when her phone starts to ring.
She picks it up, not saying a word to me. “Hey.” There’s silence as she listens. Through the baby monitor, Scottie is in her crib making cute baby sounds still. “What? Yeah, that makes sense. So, you still have Maguire’s truck,” she says into the phone.
Shit, through all of this, I was supposed to drive Jase’s BMW out to get my truck. I mouth to Holland, “Tell him I’ll meet him at my house.”
“Sorry, there was a family emergency last night. Maguire stayed here and got Scottie in bed. Yeah, meet him at his house. No, I can’t talk about it. And, I’m okay.” She ends the call and turns to me. “I guess in all of this shit I didn’t ask how he got home.”
I know I’m being dismissed because the temptation is too high to be left together. I give Holland a kiss on the forehead. “I’ll see you later, darlin’.” And I’m out the door before I decide to push her against the wall and make her admit what we share.
I’m out of the house earlier than I usually am. Scottie is still in her pajamas, but I have her fed. I need to nurse but I hope to do this after I see her. Pulling into Elise and Ned’s driveway downtown, her trees sway in the wind. Her garden and her entire yard, for this matter, are immaculate. The sweat and tears she has put into it speak to the person Elise is. She’s a hard worker, a fighter, and I can’t for the life of me think about saying goodbye to her, not after I’ve just met her. I’ve never had what we share with another person and I won’t let it go.
When I get to the side door everyone enters and exits the house from, she’s standing at the sink—her chin to her chest. I don’t know what she’s doing and it’s then tears fall down her cheeks.
I knock quietly on the door and she whips her head up, just enough to smile. Turning around, she takes a dishtowel from the rack near her and dries her tears. “What in the world are you two doing here this early in the morning?” she asks, tugging at both of us while Scottie pushes her hands out for Elise.
“Ah, precious, you’re just what the doctor ordered.” She grabs my baby with a small smile adorning her face. “You know, don’t you, sweetheart?” She pulls me in for a hug, too.
I close my eyes. I’m willing myself not to cry, not to shed one tear. I’m here for support and to tell her she’ll beat this. She has to; I can’t handle any more loss. “Yeah, Maguire told me. Fiddlesticks, Elise, I don’t know what to say.”
She carries Scottie in effortlessly, sitting at the countertop island. “I know what you can say and it will give me so much joy today.”
“Anything, Elise—name it. Your wish is my command.”
“Let me watch Scotland. Let her stay with me.” Like I’d tell this woman who’s survived cancer once already, no. Plus, I trust her with my life.
“Of course. You can watch Scottie.” The second I say these words, she holds her tight, as if Scottie is the very reason she’ll fight again to beat this. And if it’s what it takes, then by golly, I’ll let her watch Scottie every day if it’s what she needs.
I remember the day the Casualty Officer delivered the news of Scott’s death. It’s a day that’ll live in my memory as if I’m watching it myself from some bubble above. It’s the same way I react when Elise drops by the design center after her first oncology appointment. But unlike the utter despair I still attach to Scott’s death, this is one of hope.
“They caught it early, sweetie. A couple of rounds of chemo and a small surgery. They even assured me it’s the best case scenario.”
I almost tackle her. As she wipes my tears away, she kisses my cheeks like I’d wanted my own mama to when I’d fall off my bike, with my knees scraped up and bleeding.
She pulls my hair away. Cupping my face, she looks me straight in the eyes. “We tried for years to have kids. And it never worked for us. I’d resigned myself to never having children. Then I got pregnant. I couldn’t explain the joy of knowing I’d be giving Ned the best gift ever. I started hemorrhaging so bad. The only way to save my life was to have a hysterectomy. I’d already miscarried, but the idea of never having a chance again devastated me. I fought with Ned until I passed out and he had to make the decision. I wasn’t sure our marriage would survive but it has. I was diagnosed with cancer almost three years ago. I lost my hair but I never gave up. I always had Ned. But I knew I had something out there worth living for. And sure as shit, you’re in front of me.” She pauses because now we’re both crying. “The day Ned came home to tell me he was taking Maguire to North Carolina, I cried for the life of a boy I’d loved so much. What was worse, I couldn’t be there for my oldest and dearest friends or hold my husband’s hand.” Her fingers are on my cheek. She leans down and kisses me. “But the day I saw you in the truck as Ned consoled Maguire, I knew you were someone special. And as much as anything, you and your little girl have given me a reason to live and for that, I thank you, Holland Parrish, from the bottom of my heart. I may not have a child, but I truly think you were the daughter God intended for me, regardless of how late you came into my life.”
I hold on tight to her as she holds on tight to me. No truer words have ever been spoken.
Chapter 9
I don’t want to go, not with Elise’s first chemo treatment the day before our planned trip. However, she assures me when she begins over the phone, “I’m going to be laid up in my room, a bucket near me. I don't want company, sweetie, and as much as I love you, I think you need to be in a place where Scott loved to be. And I promise, his trips to Lake Tahoe were some of the happiest in his life.”
“But, you’ll call me if anything happens?” I ask because as lovely as this woman is, she’s also just as stubborn.
“I promise.” We hang up the phone and I continue with my plans for our trip to Lake Tahoe. Part of me had hoped Elise would need me. It would give me a reason to avoid one-on-one time with Maguire. But as much as I love to be around him because he’s fun and our back and forth is always comedic, I dread it. The man is right. I love him so much. And I didn’t see the love going
away anytime soon. I could deny it. Hell, I spent six months doing just this and the feelings haven’t gone anywhere.
Scotland already doesn’t have a father. I’m not going to deny her a grandfather, too. As I scurry around the house, because one baby requires so much shit for a short trip, I stop and admire Scottie who’s in her larger swing, watching Baby Einstein. I should feel like crap for already putting a five-month-old in front of a television, but I’m doing this with very little help. At least it’s educational; I justify to myself. But as I watch my little girl, she could totally pass for Maguire’s baby. She looks just like him because Scott looked just like him. Something grabs her attention from the television and she begins to squeal. The goosebumps appear on my arm are due solely to the fact this baby was created in love—so much love. But it doesn’t minimize the love I have for her grandpa, either.
I’m back in my bedroom, packing the one-piece swimsuit that fits me better than the inadequate one barely covering my body, the one Maguire grabbed for me on our day at the lake. I’m in my own world thinking about, well, pretty much anything to do with Maguire when his voice has me jumping backward and I fall on my ass.
“Shitake mushrooms and flipping jelly beans. What the hell are you doing, sneaking up on me like this?” I criticize because I’m embarrassed and scared and still shaking like a frightened puppy.
“I’d called you several times, darlin’, and your door was unlocked.” He pops one eyebrow farther up than the other and I know a lecture is in my future. “Do I have to tell you how unsafe it is?”
“Um, no, father, you don’t.”
He walks over to me, extending his hand to help me up. When he lifts me a little too fast, I’m brought up to his chest with a loud thwack as I hit his toned muscles.
He tips my face, his lips close to mine. “I don’t think I need to tell you—nothing, when it comes to you and me, is close to being fatherly and daughterly.”
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