Why does my body betray me? In a thin tank top, my nipples harden and my skin pebbles with goosebumps.
“Even your own body reacts to my words, my touch.” His lips are at my ear and every part of me is tingly. Especially my damn stomach. It clenches as it does right before I’m about to have an orgasm. I’m searching for anything to bring my body back to reality, but I can’t think of any other reason why his hands shouldn’t unbutton my shorts right now. I can imagine his finger, circling my clit, as it had done the day of the fateful fire. But yet, I’ve not reacted nor have I pulled away.
“Give me something to go on, darlin’, ‘cause your signals are mixed.”
Just then, from down the hallway, Scotland begins to cry. Her video is probably over. Thank goodness. I walk out of the room, silently thanking my baby for the Hail Mary of a save.
“She’s snoozing back there, isn’t she?” he asks, taking a left turn to what I believe might be the resort we’re visiting. We’re in my car, but he insists on driving, stating I put his life at risk whenever I drive.
“Yep, she loves the car. Not sure what it means for us tonight, if she’ll sleep well. But I always know who will have nighttime duty if Scottie doesn’t let me sleep.” It’s funny, the more I’m around Maguire, the more I refer to my little girl as Scottie instead of Scotland.
“Ah, I may be switching rooms in the middle of the night.”
I ignore him, popping a Lemon Head into my mouth.
“You still eat those? I thought it was a pregnancy thing?”
“Nope, been eating them all my life.” I begin to scroll through my texts. I’d missed many messages from Jase when we went through a long-dead section of cell service.
Jase: I’m thinking of you this weekend. Please know I’m always here for you.
Jase: Give that girl a big kiss from me. I’m sort of in love with her—she has my heart.
I smile because anyone who loves my baby has my affection, but it’s not hard to care for Jase. I scroll down some more.
Jase: Sort of like her mama does.
We never say the words. He knows I’m still processing my loss and he’s got to know how I feel about Maguire. I can’t help the swooning Sarge brings out in me or how when he speaks, I hold onto every syllable. There are more texts I’m reading and my heart swells.
Jase: Shit, Holls, I’m sorry. This is not what we do. I know where your heart lies. But shit, I wish you looked at me like you do him.
You and me both, buddy, I think to myself silently, though does he mean how I talk about Scott or is he referring to the present with Maguire?
Jase: I’d take good care of you, Holls, you know that, right?
Jase: Ah, shit, I’m sorry.
Jase: But as I know where your heart lies, please know where mine does.
Jase: Fuck, I’m making it worse. Call me if you need me but since I can’t seem to take my foot out of my mouth, I’m stopping while I’m ahead.
Yep, I’m almost positive he’s speaking of Maguire but I’m not going to leave him hanging either.
Me: Hey, we were in a dead spot. I wasn’t ignoring you. I know what you’re saying. I never want to give you false hope. But I need your friendship more than ever.
I think we’re done when I get a reply.
Jase: I’m not going anywhere, gorgeous.
I put my phone in my purse when Maguire grabs my knee. It’s so normal, I don’t flinch. Until I realize I should.
“Who keeps on texting you?”
Without thinking, I answer honestly. “Jase.”
He removes his hand. “Ballbusters, darlin’.”
I scoot my body as much as I can to face him since I’m still confined by the seat belt. “Sarge, you know this is not a romantic rendezvous between us?”
“Darlin’, one day you’ll admit it’s easier to accept the happiness I can give you versus how wrong you think you and I together are.”
I move the opposite way and my body faces the window as the world passes by. I could say this is a mistake but when it comes to Maguire, I’ll forever be second-guessing myself.
Our rooms in the resort are on separate floors. Holland attempts to leave as soon as we check in with Scottie in tow. She’s been quiet since I spoke the truth to her.
“Yo, darlin’, want to meet down at the beach in a little bit?”
She turns around quickly, taking small steps backward. “Um, sure. Let me get Scottie changed and fed. I’ll meet you down there soon.” That’s that. Nothing else, not even a smile. I want us to stop denying one another. Hell, if anyone understands how much a betrayal I feel toward my own son when it comes to this girl, it’s me.
I drop my bag off in the room and change quickly, running down to the beach. The resort is just steps from the lake. Kat had dropped by before I left the house to pick up Holland. “I know this weekend is rough. I wanted to get you something that may take your mind off it for a little bit. I bought you a new sci-fi book.” She’d always made comments about a new book on my end table every time she came over when we were friends with benefits. But now, her gift is one of the most thoughtful presents I’ve been given in a while. Lying back on a lounger, I begin The Calculating Stars when someone pokes my shoulder. I know right away from the touch, it’s not Holland. Though the girl can hit, this is too rough. Removing my sunglasses and putting my book down, a young blonde in a way too skimpy bikini for her curves smiles at me.
“Hey, I’m sorry to bug you, reading and all, but my friends left me to go get some drinks and if I don’t get some sunscreen on my back, I’ll burn like a marshmallow in a bonfire.”
Well, shit, this girl is smooth. She’s beautiful, this is not hard to surmise. But her little come-on is subtle but very blunt at the same time. I must have a pained look on my face when from across the beach, someone hollers, “Hey, honey, can I get some help with the baby, please?” I’d know her loud mouth anywhere but right now, it’s my saving grace.
Standing up quickly, knocking the sunscreen from her hands, I give a crooked smile. “On my way, darlin’,” I call to Holland when I grin at the stranger in front of me. “Sorry, duty calls.”
I grab my book and towel making my way to my girls. With a little smirk, I continue with the façade and lean in to kiss Holland as Scottie reaches for me. “Holy shit, darlin’, you have fucking great timing.”
“Yeah, well, you owe me. I hope you know this.”
I pull her close to me like we’re genuinely this happy couple we’re trying to portray. It’s not hard to pull it off, not with how much I actually want to be this happy couple. “You don’t want to go sit down next to your new friend, honey?” she teases.
“Ah, you’re so adorable when you’re a smart ass, hell, so I guess you’re always adorable.” I walk the opposite direction and we settle down near the water.
Within minutes, Holland has her cover-up off and has Scottie in her arms. “Let’s get into some water, little girl.”
My eyes follow her curves in her more modest one-piece swimsuit than the one she had on a couple of weeks ago. And though the two-piece looked spectacular on her, the way the V holds her beautiful breasts showing off her cleavage, I’m staring. I’m not far behind them as we take turns holding Scottie, playing in the lake.
“I love this place!” she yells over the loud music and Scottie can care less it’s louder than fuck in here. “You and Scott came here, often?” she asks.
“Yeah, many times. It has the best burgers.”
She’s looking at the menu, her eyes big at the portion size. “You’ll have to roll me out.” Just then, the music lowers a little and we don’t have to yell at each other. When I came to pick her up tonight, she’d been crying. I’ll try to do anything to make her forget what tomorrow truly is.
Our server comes over, kneeling down to talk to Scottie. Turning to us, she’s all smiles. “You two have the cutest little baby. She’s as beautiful as her daddy.” She smirk
s at me, then winks. Oh, Holland doesn’t miss a beat.
“Um, listen, bitch, you better step back a bit.”
She smiles at Holland, too. “Oh, honey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to overstep, as a matter of fact, I’d take you both in the mix.” My mouth falls when Holland stops to process all she’s said. “Sorry, honey, I wasn’t coming onto just your husband, I hadn’t gotten to you yet, sugar.” And she winks at Holland. “So, what would you two beautiful people like to drink?”
After she takes our order, Holland twists her body toward me, and she’s somewhere between hysterics and anger. “Hey, wife?” I ask, going off of the server’s assumptions of us. “You got pretty territorial there,” I tease, loving it, seeing green in her actions.
“Well, she assumed we were a couple and she blatantly flirted with you so I had to stake my fictional claim.”
“Sure, whatever you have to tell yourself.”
By the way her jaw is almost sitting on the table, she’s still a little shell-shocked. “Did that just happen?” she asks. I nod yes and she has her phone whipped out so fast. “Wait until I tell Teagan. She’s going to flip her lid. According to her, she’s the only girl who can hit on me.” Even in the absurdness of it all, I’m glad our server has given Holland something worth laughing about. She surely will need it to get through tomorrow.
Chapter 10
Maguire wants to meet in the lobby. He told me to dress for a hike. I have the backpack baby carrier for this reason, positive he’d get me out in the woods, somehow. But this is how I can pay homage to Scott and I want to take part in what he, too, had done.
I’m ignoring my text alert because I’m five minutes late and with a cranky baby, I think I’m doing just fine. I try to give her a few more bites of her pears and she moves her head, telling me no. Then she smiles at me. The little turkey. She’s stubborn but so freaking cute.
I’m packing snacks and some water in Scotland’s sippy cup when a loud knock has me seething. I’d woken up this morning to more than tears. I’d actually puked a couple times but it’s not physiological. It’s emotional trauma, and it still hits me from that horrible day.
“Hell, Sarge, I’m coming.” I open the door to a confused stranger with a vase of flowers in his hand. “Oh, crud, I’m sorry,” I offer.
“Delivery for Holland Parrish.” I take the flowers, putting them on the table and read the note, holding it to my heart.
If we’re ever only friends, please know I will treasure you forever. Thinking of you today. ~Jase
Of course Jase would send me flowers. Before I get one more text from Maguire, we’re out the door to meet the schedule-crazy Sarge.
We stop on a ridge overlooking some of the vast lake. “Hey, this looks like a good place to settle for a while,” Maguire calls. He has insisted on carrying Scotland’s back carrier. He unlatches the belt around his waist and I pull her from his back.
“Hell, for a baby her size, she sure becomes heavy.”
Laying out a blanket, I almost fall on the grass.
“Shit, I’m out of shape. How far have we gone?” I ask.
“Only two miles.” I have the food on my back. I’m starving though it can’t even be ten in the morning yet. I pull out the sandwiches he’d ordered at the deli and I laugh when I see two cold beers on the bottom.
“Ah, don’t judge me if I drink a beer at ten a.m.,” I state, opening it. I give him the can to share and when he takes it, he pulls me against his body.
“And don’t judge me if all I want to do today is comfort you, darlin’.” His tone is stern and his gaze is locked on me.
I relax into his grip, his body, and I’m at home with all of him. “Hey, what’s the scent you’re wearing today?” He teases me about all the lotions and perfumes I own.
“Ah, this is my favorite. It’s a classic—cucumber melon.”
Lifting my hand, he smells my wrist. “I love all of the perfumes but I think this is my favorite.”
I attempt to switch the conversation. “Hey, Sarge?”
“Yeah?” His easy-going smile makes it so comfortable to be with this man. It’s just simple with him.
“You never talk about your family. Why is this? And Scott never talked about his grandparents on your side.”
His sweet smile falls quickly. “Yeah, there’s a reason.” With his almost stony tone taking over, I have no intention to press. He grabs my beer for himself again and takes a long swig. I wish I understood this sudden change. He’s less than six inches from me but he seems like he’s miles away.
“It’s okay, Sarge. I’m here if you ever want to talk about it.” My hand reaches for his and with a small squeeze, his smile returns.
“I’m sorry, darlin’. They died in a plane crash when Scott was two. Talking about them is difficult. As a matter of fact, Scott’s middle name, Jameson, is my dad’s first name.”
The hurt cascades off of him like a waterfall. His pain is being replayed over again in his mind, especially when I look into his hazel green eyes, tears pooling at the corners.
“Hell, I’m sorry for pushing, especially with today being well, a shitty day to remember other pains and hurts.” My own tears come, too, because when you love someone as deeply as I love this man, his hurt becomes my own.
“It’s something you should know. I don’t ever want to keep anything from you, Holland. Even if we aren’t together the way I dream, you’re still my future.”
His fingers snake across my skin so effortlessly, as though they’ve always belonged there. I freeze but it doesn’t stop him from moving them to my chin, cupping it with his whole hand. “You, Holland Parrish, are the most important person in my life. You must know this, right?”
All I can do is nod my head, acknowledging what he’s just said to me. His tone changes suddenly. “Darlin’?” he asks, giving me my beer back, his fingers playing with the ends of my hair. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure, I think.” I’m hesitant, I don’t want to talk about Scott today. I mean, I should, but I can’t, nor can I put into words why. Being held by this man next to me as my daughter sits in front of us may just be one reason.
Maguire draws in his breath slowly and releases it even slower. I can imagine he’s formulating the right words to say what he needs to. “Your parents. I don’t get it. How could they turn their back on you? I mean, of all days, to bring this up, is shitty but…”
I can imagine a pinched expression crawls across my face. It’s easy to decipher what he is thinking when I finish his sentence. “But you’d give anything to have your son back and yet they’ve thrown me away like last year’s trash. I get it. We’ve never been much of a family. When all the parents came to various school parties in elementary, I’d tell my friends my parents had to work. Sure, they had the farm but they could have made it.”
“This pisses me off, more than I can put into words. Not only do I miss my son, but you’re also the most amazing person I know.”
I shrug my shoulders. “They never wanted me. I was an only child, taking everything from them. I mean, I guess their one claim to fame is they paid for all my activities but the more I was involved in, the less they had to parent. I never knew my grandparents. But honestly, I’d sit at the table to eat, reading design magazines and they’d go in the den and watch television. I could go a week without talking to them. My dad at times would kiss me on the forehead, but it was the extent of any affection.”
He takes in a deep breath, pulling Scotland to him. “And for them to not want to know this beauty. I don’t get it.” He gives my hand a squeeze of support but doesn’t let go.
“I guess I’m used to it. I think it’s one reason Scott and I became serious so quickly. When the county rezoned district lines, I started at a new high school, and when I met Scott, it was quick and fast with him.” I grab for Scottie’s water and she takes it from me. I can’t help but smile at my own daughter, perplexed by my own parents. “They�
�ve called me three times. Christine told them about the baby when she was born. They tracked me down in the hospital. Christine told them about the fire, they called me three days later. And they called me just last month to see if they could borrow money for the farm. Apparently, it’s in foreclosure and they heard I have my money from Scott’s life insurance.”
He stiffens and before he asks, I reply to his perceived question. “I told them to fuck off. And though you hate those words coming from my lips, I didn’t think you’d mind, not this once.”
“No, darlin’, I don’t mind, not one little bit.” He leans in and gives me a kiss on the cheek when I turn my head, letting him peck me on the mouth. Part of me almost opens up, giving him access to my lips, my entire mouth, but the memory of the fire hits me and I resist.
Her confession about her fucked-up parents affects us both. Anger doesn’t quite explain what’s pulsing through my veins. She’s quiet, snuggling with Scottie. When my emotions calm, I can finally look at her. Scotland’s asleep in her arms and I know we’ll be here for a little while.
“Are you comfortable?” I ask.
“Definitely not.” The way she’s holding the baby close to her body, without any support on her back has to be almost painful. I sidle up behind her and pull her close to my chest, she stiffens.
“Darlin’, this is strictly for your comfort—only—scout’s honor.”
She snickers and my own body doesn’t believe me as my cock strains against my jeans. I’m almost positive she can feel it.
I know what will get us laughing when I ask, “Hey, I want to hear one of Scott’s dirty jokes.” It still cracks me up that he had all these stored in his mind just to make Holland laugh.
“Oh, I have a good one,” she pauses, I’m sure for dramatic emphasis. “What does a penis and Rubik’s cube have in common?”
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