I walked on clouds the next few weeks after Skully’s patch-in party. I was so proud of him. He was loyal to the Chaos Kings and faithful to me. Even Magnet warmed up to him a little more, to the point they tinkered with Magnet’s bike together at the clubhouse one day, talking motorcycles like most bikers do. Skully stayed the night at my apartment more often too. We took lunch breaks together; sometimes he’d pick me up at the salon on his bike and we’d ride somewhere for a bite to eat, or I would drive over to the bike shop and bring lunch to him.
It was early afternoon when I parked at the shop, bringing Italian subs to share with him. Torque was behind the sales counter talking to someone I couldn’t see, and I thought he was just mumbling to himself. I reached the counter and placed the bag of subs on it. “Hey, Torque. I brought lunch for Skully. Is he in the garage?” I tiptoed and leaned over the counter to see who he was talking to.
It was a little boy. He was talking to Torque but stopped and looked at me. His dark hair looked like it was just freshly combed. He wore a black T-shirt with a little skull on it, blue jeans and black chucks. He held two toy motorcycles, a green one, and a red one in his chubby little hands. He smiled, and I smiled back, tilting my head. It was something about his eyes that looked familiar.
“Hey, buddy! How are you? You like motorcycles?” He nodded, still smiling. “Well, you came to the right place!” I kept my smile but turned to look at Torque. “Who’s your little friend, Torque?”
Torque tore his eyes away from the boy and looked at me, looking like a deer caught in headlights. At least he was smiling too, though. “Hi, Tanya. This is Jacob—”
“I like to be called Jake,” the boy interrupted.
“Well, my name is Tanya. Pleased to meet you, Jake.” I leaned over the counter and reached out to shake his little hand. He shook mine, pumping his hand up and down a few times.
I released Jake’s hand and stood back up and looked at Torque “Where're his parents?”
He shrugged his shoulders, nodding to someone behind me. “I guess that’s his mother. She asked for Skully.”
Just then, a woman pushed open the door that leads to the garage. She was slim and tall with blonde hair, wearing tight jeans, and sporting a lot of cleavage from a tank top that fit her a little too tight. Her brows were knitted together, and she looked angry. Then her eyes met mine for a brief second.
Skully came through the same door, right behind her. “Wait, Brittany!” She spun around to look at him. “At least give me some goddamn info! Phone numbers, address? Things like that?”
Brittany grabbed the notepad and pen he was holding and began to scribble something.
She pressed the pen and pad on his chest. “Info’s all there. It’s your turn, Owen. I need a fuckin’ break. Good luck.” Brittany stormed toward the front door with a brisk walk.
“Mom?” Jake came from around the counter, running to catch up to her. She turned around and kneeled down to look directly at him. “Stay with Skully today, sweetie. He’ll take you over to Grandma’s later, okay?”
“Where are you going, Mom? I don’t know him or them either.” He turned his head to look at the three of us.
“He’s one of the good guys, Jake. You’re safe with him. Stay with him and don’t go anywhere with other grown-ups, okay?”
“Okay, Mom.” Jake’s shoulders slumped a bit. He wrapped his little arms around Brittany’s neck, and she squeezed him back. Then she walked out the front door and was gone. He turned around slowly, still holding the little motorcycles in his hands. His head titled and he looked sad and confused.
Skully took a step and smiled. “Hey, Jake, you wanna come and check out the garage with Tanya and me? There’s a bike in there that I’m working on.”
Jake’s eyes lit up, and he walked toward us. “Okay! That would be really coo-wall!” and reached up to take Skully’s hand.
Skully took Jake’s little hand in his and turned to me. “Coming with us, Tanya?”
“Sure.” I kept a smile on my face even though a rock felt like it sunk down to the pit of my stomach. I followed them through the door to the garage to see a blue Harley sitting on a bike lift. The scent of oil and exhaust hit my nose in the closed-in space.
Skully picked Jake up and planted him on a barstool. “So, how do you like it?” Jake’s eyes were wide with wonder, looking around at the tools hanging on the wall, and the bike on the lift.
He turned back to Skully. “Are you my dad?”
“Yes, Jake. I’m your dad. Is that okay with you?”
Jake’s face lit up, and he grinned. “Yeah, it’s okay with me.”
I felt another lump land in the pit of my stomach. I suddenly felt like an outsider, intruding on their conversation. I struggled to hold back tears.
Skully turned to me, as I just stood there, frozen. “I’m his father, Tanya.”
I didn’t know what to say and just wanted to flee. I handed him the bag of subs. “I brought you some lunch. I’m running late and I have to get back to the salon. You can share it with Jake, okay?”
He took the bag from me. “Please don’t go. Stay and have lunch with us. You bought enough for the three of us.”
The three of us.
“No, I really need to get back to work.” I smiled at Jake. He was riding his two toy motorcycles down imaginary roads in front of him. “Nice meeting you, Jake. Enjoy lunch with Skully, okay?”
The motorcycles froze in mid-flight. “Nice meeting you, Miss Tanya. Thanks!”
I had no idea how old he was. Maybe he was three or four?
I cupped Skully’s warm cheek and caressed the roughness of his stubbled beard. “Have lunch with Jake. Spend some time with him. I’ll catch up with you later this week.” I planted a quick kiss on his lips, fully aware that Jake was watching us.
I walked quickly back to my car and felt totally numb as I drove away. Owen had a son. He was a father. I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore and began to sob. I made sure to wipe the mascara streaks away and blew my nose before going back into the salon to work my next appointment.
* * *
“I got the DNA test results back today. Ninety-nine percent that Jake is my son.” Owen’s deep voice came through my phone.
It took two weeks for the DNA results. Owen swiped the inside of Jake’s mouth with a big Q-tip and did the same to himself and sent them in a large envelope to a local DNA lab. Jake looked identical to Owen, an exact miniature version of him. Owen didn’t have any pictures of himself when he was a child, but I had no doubt that he had looked just like Jake.
Owen continued, “I met Jake’s grandmother—Brittany’s mother. Her name is Kathy. She’s a nice woman. We talked when she came to the shop to pick up Jake. She seems to just want what’s best for him. He’s four-years-old. Kathy has him in daycare during the afternoon while she’s at work. Brittany can’t hold a job, and when she does have one, she barely makes minimum wage. Kathy pretty much raises and provides for him. Now that I know it’s legit, I want to help and give her money to support Jake. I’m going through the right channels and child support system to get all that worked out now. “
“There is just so much for you to take on now, Owen.”
“I know, and I’m fucking happy, thrilled, and terrified—all at the same time. I have no idea how to be a father. Kathy wants me to help her out. I can spend some time with him during the week. He’ll be starting Kindergarten this fall.”
“Who is Brittany to you? Were you in a relationship with her?” I just needed to know.
“She was a sweet butt. She hung around the Hell Hounds. We were together only a few times. That’s why I needed to get the DNA test. I needed to make sure Jake was really my son.”
Silence.
“You still there, Tanya?”
“Not sure what we do from here, Owen. You have a son. You need to put him first now.”
“I will, and I need your help. Jake likes you. I’m going to pick him up tomorrow after work and take hi
m out for a bite to eat. I want you to come with me and meet Kathy.”
“Give me some time, Owen. Maybe we need a break. I need some time to digest all this—”
“Digest it with Jake and me. I’m scared shitless, Tanya.” His voice cracked.
My heart sank. “I have to go, Owen.”
“Wait, Tanya—”
I hung up on him, and the tears flowed as I sobbed, feeling the pain of knowing that I would have to step away from my relationship with Owen so he could spend more time with Jake as a father should with his son.
I cried as I sat in a chair across from Dr. Platt in her office. She leaned in, her folded arms on her desk, “You don’t have to give birth to be a good mother, Tanya…”
My throat hurt, and I almost choked. Another wave of sharp pain hit me. Menstrual cramp. I had miscarried two months before. Matthew had become distant since then. He felt so far away, and I withdrew from him too. When he looked at me, his eyes told me how he felt. It was my fault. What Dr. Platt was saying just didn’t sink in.
“It’s not your fault.”
“Who do I blame, if not myself?”
“No one, Tanya. You can’t do that to yourself.”
“That’s all I got, Dr. Platt. Guilt. And I deserve it.” I rose from the chair and walked out of her office.
I hadn’t seen Tanya or heard her voice for a few weeks since she hung up on me. I felt alone again but also so grateful for Jake. I went to visit him a few times and talked with Kathy and gave her money to help with anything Jake needed. Brittany would stop by Kathy’s house every so often, but her visits to see Jake became less and less frequent. I passed her once as I came by Kathy’s and realized that I didn’t remember much about her. We hung around and fucked a few times during the days I smoked too much weed regularly. I learned from Kathy that she’d never really been around to take care of Jake. Kathy did everything and anything she could for him. And she seemed grateful that I had stepped up to help. How could I not? Knowing that Jake was my son lifted my heart, and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I didn’t know who my parents were, and I wanted Jake to know who his father was.
I told my Chaos brothers about Jake, and they actually congratulated me with hard slaps on the back. I asked them and the women in the coven anything and everything about kids—what do they play with these days? How do you keep a four-year-old boy entertained? I didn’t know a damn thing. And even though I was aching inside, missing Tanya, I had Chaos. And Jake.
Kathy was kind enough to let me borrow her car, so I could take Jake out for a sandwich at a local deli, and then to Mountain Lake County Park—the same park I rode Tanya to after leaving the CrowBar. Jake walked along beside me on the path around the small lake. The late summer heat and humidity got us both breaking out in a sweat during the short hike. He was the spitting image of me with dark hair and dark eyes, wearing khaki shorts, a tank, and his favorite chucks. I wore a tank, too, but my jeans clung to me, and my black boots felt heavy as I walked alongside him.
“I told all my buddies and Amanda that you ride a motorcycle, Dad. They all think it’s really cool!” Jake said as he walked with his little hands shoved in the pockets of his shorts.
“Who’s Amanda?”
“She’s a friend. My buddies tell me that I shouldn’t have girls as friends because they don’t like the same things that us boys like. And that they smell funny.”
I chuckled at that. “Well, yeah. Girls do smell, but not funny, Jake. Someday, you and your buddies won’t think they smell funny. And I think it’s cool you have Amanda as a friend. Friends are hard to find.”
“Do you have friends, Dad?”
“I sure do. I have some excellent friends. They’re like my family.”
He leaned his head back to look up at me. “What are their names?”
“Well, there’s Wez, Ratchet, Gunner, Magnet, Rocky, Spider. And girls too. There’s Sam, Madge, Honey, Kat, and Tanya…”
God, I missed her.
“I like Tanya. I think she’s really nice and pretty too.” He had a sudden pink blush to his cheeks.
“Yeah. I like her too. And we’re all part of a club. Do you know what a club is?’
His brows crinkled together as he looked down at his chucks. “No. What’s a club?”
“A club is like a family. Your closest friends and buddies. And even girls too. You take care of them, and they take care of you.”
“Like how you, Gramma, and Mom take care of me?”
“Yeah, buddy, like that.”
“Will I get to meet them someday?”
I couldn’t ride Jake on my bike, but since I had Kathy’s car, I thought that day would be the perfect day to do just that.
“How about today?”
* * *
I pulled in the clubhouse lot in Kathy’s car. Magnet and Wez stood next to Shrek’s Fat-Boy admiring the new set of ape hanger bars and a new clutch and brake cables I installed on it the week before.
Jake sat in the passenger seat, and his eyes lit up. “Wow! That’s a really cool looking bike, Dad!”
“I put those high handlebars on that bike. That guy right there with the cigar in his mouth? That’s his bike. We call him Shrek.”
“Like Shrek from the movie Shrek?”
“Yep, just like the movie. Doesn’t he look a bit like him?”
“Yeah, he does!” Jake giggled.
All three of them turned around and watched me park the car. We unbuckled our seat belts and climbed out, and I introduced him to my Chaos brothers. “Jake, meet Shrek, Magnet, and Wez.”
He already had his little hand out and shook theirs, saying hello.
Wez shook Jake’s hand last. “How ya doin’, little man? You look just like your dad.”
Jake’s full attention was focused on Shrek’s bike.
“Come over and check out the bike. Your dad put those badass handlebars on it.”
Jake looked up at me as his little brows lifted. “He said ass, Dad.”
I couldn’t shield Jake from the cussing, and there was a lot of that when you were around the Chaos Kings. “Yeah. Well, only grown-ups can say that word. It wouldn’t be good if you said that around your grandma or your day care buddies. Got it?
“Got it, Dad.”
“Sorry about that, man,” Wez mumbled.
Magnet shook Jake’s hand next and picked him up, planting him on the seat of Shrek’s bike. And his mouth could only form the word Wow.
I stepped away with Wez and lit a smoke, watching Jake as he grinned from ear to ear and nodding his head at whatever Magnet and Shrek were telling him.
“I’m a lucky motherfucker, Wez,” I mumbled low so that Jake couldn’t hear me cuss.
“Yeah, brother. You are. He seems like a good kid.”
“I told him about the club. That I had a family. Thought this was a good time to bring him by and meet some of you. I’m really glad I did.”
“Bring Jake over to the clubhouse anytime, man. It’s pretty much rated PG around here during the day. And it’d be way past his bedtime when all hell breaks loose. So, how are you and my pretty girl getting along?”
I exhaled a drag. “Not sure. This whole dad thing scared her a bit, I can feel it.”
“Just give her some time so she can let it all sink in. She had a hard breakup with that pretty boy, Matthew. I don’t know much about it, but Magnet does. She may be afraid to fall hard again, giving all of yourself to someone. It’s a scary thing to be vulnerable.”
I dropped my smoke on the asphalt and crushed it with my boot heel. Despite his looks, Wez could get pretty deep sometimes. “Yeah. Thanks, Wez.”
It felt so new to me, and it felt good to have a friend to talk to. A brother to talk to. I knew I could get used to it.
Later that week, I sent pics to Tanya of Jake sitting on Shrek’s bike. She texted back that she liked them, but nothing else. I took what Wez said as good advice and gave her time. I was scared shitless though. Scared that I would lo
se her. So, I kept myself busy at Hardcore Cycles and did the best I could every day for Jake. And I didn’t feel as alone anymore. I had a son and my club. But Having Tanya back in my life would make me complete. A man, a lover, a brother, a father.
It was midafternoon, and I just finished installing a new light bulb on the back fender of a sporty when I turned to the sound of thundering pipes outside the bay door of the garage at Hardcore Cycles. It was Hammer and Muddy on their bikes, revving their throttles as they laughed.
Hammer let off his throttle. “Hey, Gimp! Do you really think wearing those pussy-ass Chaos colors is gonna protect you from gettin’ another ass beatin’?”
I stood there, wiping my dirty hands on a rag. “You want another shot at me? I’m right here. Let’s do this. Just you and me.” “
They twisted their throttles and took off burning rubber off their back tires. A big hand clamped down on my shoulder. “If they come back, I’ll introduce them to my Smith and Wesson.” It was Torque.
“They won’t come back. At least, not today.” I looked down at my clenched fists then pulled out the pack of smokes from my back pocket and lit one.
I smiled, looking at the pics of Jake on Shrek’s bike. His eyes were round with excitement, giving two thumbs up to Skully as he snapped the photos from his phone. Magnet, Wez, and Shrek stood around Jake and the bike, smiles on their faces too. But I had felt only sadness and loneliness lately because I missed Owen. I missed looking at him, touching him. Hearing his voice.
I felt undeserving, that I shouldn’t be around children because I had aborted one and miscarried another. It wasn’t fair to wedge myself between Owen and Jake. They needed each other. They didn’t need me.
BOX SET - CHAOS KINGS: Chaos Kings Motorcycle Club BOOKS 1-4 Page 21