by Sienna Grant
I clicked on another number. I was sure he’d tell me as I waited for an answer.
“Chris.”
“Charlie. Hey, mate. I don’t suppose Callie is there, is she?”
“She is.”
“What the fuck?”
“She wanted to talk.”
“I’m coming over.”
“Chris, I think she wanted to talk to u…”
“Charlie. Do you even understand the fucking panic that has just torn through me finding her gone? I can’t… I can’t…” I couldn’t even get my own words out.
“Chris, I understand. She’s here. She’s safe. Just come on over.”
I nodded even though he couldn’t see me and ended the call.
I quickly pulled some joggers on and a t-shirt on then grabbed my car keys and slid my phone into my pocket.
I made it to Beth and Charlie’s place in no time. I wasn’t that far from them, and there wasn’t much traffic about to slow me down either.
As I parked up in the closest spot I possibly could to the main front door, I saw Charlie waiting for me.
I locked my car and walked towards him. “What’s going on?”
He held the door open for me and I followed him through into the lobby of the building. “Okay, first she shocked the fucking hell out of me when I opened the door. I didn’t even know she was supposed to be out of the flat, let alone out of bed.”
“Yeah, well, you know Callie. Stubborn and determined.”
“Don’t I just.”
He nodded, and a smirk tugged one corner of his lips upward. “First of all, before you go up there, I better let you in on our news.”
News?
I waited patiently, because a smile formed, and I knew he wouldn’t keep it in much longer. “We’re pregnant.”
“Oh, bud, that’s great!.”
A pang of sadness wrenched inside me. This would be something we would never have, but I refused to let it overshadow Charlie’s happy moment. I felt a tear spring into my eyes, so I caught him around the neck and pulled him in for a hug.
“Congratulations, man. That’s amazing news.” I quietly sniffed back my own emotions and discreetly wiped at my eyes. I pulled back with a smile and blew out a shaky sigh. “How has Callie taken it?”
“Man, I can’t even tell. She seems so closed off.”
“Yeah, she is. But we’re making progress every day. It’s going to be a long road ahead.”
I followed him up the stairs to his flat and waited for him to open the door for us. I stopped him with a hand in front of him and he turned with a frown. “Thanks, Charlie.”
“For what?”
“For telling me she’s here.”
He nodded with a newfound mutual respect as we went inside. I could hear Callie and Beth talking quietly, and as I peered around the door, Callie was sitting beside Beth, leaning into her side. Beth’s arm was around her as Beth looked up from the couch and smiled. “Hey, Chris.”
“Hey.” I leaned over and kissed her cheek before going around to the other side of Callie.
“Hey, baby. What’s going on?”
I took her gently by the shoulders and she willingly let me take her from the comfort of Beth’s arms and into mine. I saw the redness rimming her eyes as she looked at me. “I know, sweetheart. I know.”
She fell against my chest and cried a little more then wound her arms around me. I let her cry against me for a little longer. I stroked her hair and kissed her head. Beth’s worried gaze met mine as I peered over Callie’s head.
“Cals, look at me, baby.” She pulled back, and with my thumbs, I smoothed her tears away from her pale but beautiful face. “Talk to me. What made you come here?”
She sniffed and brushed her hands over her face. “It was after I talked to Wyatt and Serena. You went back to sleep and I couldn’t get it out of my head that have nothing other than you guys.”
“Cals, I know you think there’s nothing, but…”
She placed a finger over my lips. “Shh. Let me finish.” I nodded and closed my mouth. “Beth and I have been friends forever. We had a plan when we came to London and we never lived it out, but I want to now. I have nothing else. I don’t think I want to go back to the bar. What possible prospects could be waiting for me? Now I know I can’t have…” her bottom lip trembled as she spoke, “...kids, I want more.”
She shrugged, and I stared into her eyes. For a minute, I saw a spark of the old Callie. The determined one, but I was a little scared of what she was going to say. Was I not enough for her? Was I holding her back from something, or had she just decided to make a clean break from me altogether. If it was that, I wasn’t sure how I’d deal with it.
“And what’s the more that you want, Cals? What does this future hold?” I lifted her hand and enclosed it in mine, placing it against my heart. “Do you feel that? That beats for you, no one else.” I glanced up and saw that Beth and Charlie had left us alone. “If you could see what was written on my heart, it would read, Calindra Beckett. You hold the key, sweetheart. What can I do?”
“I love you, Chris. I love you so much. But you know, when death stares you in the face, you’ve either got to succumb to his demands or take life by the balls.”
I didn’t like where this was going.
“I’ve made the decision to take it by the balls. Everything has been so uncertain in my life recently.” She pressed her lips to mine. Her lips were salty from her tears. I closed my hands around her face and pressed harder. She wound her arms around my neck and leaned into me, her mouth opening at the same time as mine, and slipped her tongue inside, snaking it around mine as they danced together before she pulled away.
“Where does this leave us, Cals?” The panic rose in my gut. I had no idea what she was thinking.
“Well, I’m hoping you’ll stay by my side.”
“To do what?”
She sucked a breath in and held my hands. “I want to sing again, but I’m scared. What if I haven’t got it anymore?”
“Seriously? You want to sing? Fuck, Callie. I thought that was it for us. I thought you were telling me you didn’t want me anymore.” I leaned back against the cushions and rubbed my hands over my face, sighing a breath of relief. “I know you can do it. You can do anything,” I told her as I sat back up and took her by the shoulders again, because she could. I remembered when I met her, and she told me she was a singer then. “Why don’t I take you home and we can talk about this some more?”
“Okay.” She nodded. I stood from the couch and held out my hand. Once she had her fingers wrapped around my hand, I pulled her into my side. I placed a lingering kiss on her head and walked with her tucked into my side then called out to Beth and Charlie to tell them we were leaving.
Chris took me back to his and I was quiet on the way, contemplating my future. I knew I’d need to get some vocal lessons and start auditioning, but the thought scared me witless.
“You okay?”
Chris’s voice broke the silence, and I turned to him with a smile because I was kinda okay. I’d never be the me I’d been before, I’d lost too much, but I was starting to find my feet with the person I was becoming now.
I’d been through way worse than auditions going poorly now, so I wasn’t about to let my fear stop me from trying anymore. I was stronger than them, and although my future looked so different to what it had before, it was also mine to create and mould, and I was going to do just that.
“Cals,” Chris muttered, and I smiled and leaned over, resting my head on his shoulder as we faced the road. I knew I could take whatever was coming because he was by my side.
“I’m okay, honestly.”
My heart had a pang when I remembered Beth’s news, but overall, I was happy for her and Charlie. Nobody deserved a baby more than them, and I knew it would make them happier than ever.
“About Beth and Charlie?”
I leaned up and stared at him, seeing the ghost of his pain behind his eyes before he m
asked it.
“Yeah. They’ll be awesome parents.”
“I know they will.”
He let it drop, and I was grateful because while I was happy that they were expecting, it was killing me to know I’d never experience that. Never have the joy of feeling my baby kick inside me, and while I was only twenty-four, I’d always known I wanted kids, so it stung me a little as I contemplated building my future without them.
We reached his place, and he stopped the car, putting it in park and getting out. His fingers linked with mine as he led me across the parking lot and up to his flat. We didn’t speak until we were both tucked up in bed and I was lying on his chest.
“I’m jealous.”
It was all he said, and I spun to look at him before it hit me. He was jealous of them starting their family.
“I’m happy too, but fuck, I wanted that with you, Cals. I wanted it all.” His eyes shone with tears, and he bit his lip as he watched me. “I know it’s not fair, but I need to tell you how I’m feeling.”
I didn’t know what to say because I was feeling it too. I was angry at the world for letting that monster rob me of the chance to have kids and hurting that my best friend was having a baby. My head was so messed up.
“I am too, but you know what?” He lifted his eyebrow and I smiled softly at him. “I’m not going to let it get the better of me. I’ve been through something truly awful, and I want to appreciate every single thing in my life. I want to be happy for Beth and Charlie. I want to be there for them and celebrate with them, and I want a future with you.”
“I want you too. Kids or not, I want you. I want us.”
“I wouldn’t hate you if you didn’t. I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted someone whole and perfect…”
My words broke off and I saw him swallow. He gripped my arms a little roughly and pulled me gently up, so we were facing each other.
“Listen to me, Cals. I want you. I don’t know how to make you see that you are all I need.” He clenched his jaw and closed his eyes before he leaned his forehead forward and stared at me. “No matter what, I’m yours. I just need to make you see that.”
“Chris, my life’s going to become unpredictable and busy. I need to audition and find my way in the music world, and as much as I want you by my side, I don’t expect anything. I need you to know that.”
His lips brushed mine softly, and he ran his hands gently up my shoulders, curling them around my neck. “No. Listen to me. I love you. I don’t care how unpredictable your life is, I’ll be a part of it. You are mine and I’m yours, Callie Beckett.”
“Are you sure it’s what you want? Me running to auditions, scrimping by and trying to land a role in the West End? What if it tours? What if we start arguing and you hate me? I’m not scared of failing, but I’m so scared of losing you.”
Soft lips brushed my skin, and I leaned into the kiss, trying to entice him, rubbing my hands along his chest, but he stopped it and sighed as he held me.
“Six weeks, Cals. We gotta wait six weeks for you to heal.”
“Spoilsport,” I told him, glad he'd stopped it, but wishing I still felt like I was desirable. My eyes dropped down to the floor, and he lifted my chin, kissing me gently. Something about my emotions must have shown on my face because he started to speak in a hoarse whisper.
“Cals, fuck… I want to, but the docs said we gotta give your body time to heal. I’ve never wanted anything more than to sink balls deep into you, but we can’t right now.”
Although I already knew why he’d said no, the rejection stung, and a tear slipped from my eyes, leaving me confused and emotional.
“Callie, can we just lie down and watch Bones?”
He knew it was my favourite show, and after a moment, I nodded. My head swam as I sat back and curled against his side, letting him stroke my shoulder. We sat watching TV until the events of the night caught up with me and I drifted off to sleep, waking a few hours later to an empty bed.
I could hear Chris speaking in the hallway, but his words ripped into me.
“Fuck, I don’t know what I want. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me.” He paused for a beat then continued in a lower voice. “I still love her, but this is so complicated. It hurts so much to look into the future and not see any kids, not see any family, and now she wants to go back to pursuing music. What do I do?”
I leaned back in the bed and listened to him pacing up and down the hall while speaking on his phone.
“I know. She needs counselling. Fuck, I do too, but the fact is nothing about this situation is okay. She’s having nightmares, waking up in cold sweats and crying out in her sleep, and I don’t know how to help her. I’m scared. I’m so scared I’m losing her…”
The sound of his voice got farther away as I let my eyes close and drifted back to sleep, but my heart was broken. Part of me wondered if it was time to go back to Derby and stay with my mum, but another part of me didn’t want to leave London.
That was tomorrow’s problem, I thought, before I drifted back to sleep and woke up the following morning to an empty flat, and a message from Chris on my phone saying he was at work and to call him if I needed anything. I didn’t hear from him all day, and I went back to my old flat. My whole body shook as I walked inside, and while I was in my room packing up my stuff, panic threatened to overwhelm me over and over again. My hands trembled, and I broke not one, but two of my favourite picture frames as I tried to box them up. I wanted to call Chris, to make him come help, but I knew it was something I needed to do by myself. As I cleaned and tidied everything up, I found my box of memories of my time with Chris, and I broke down, sobbing on the floor at the sight of the box.
As my tears subsided, I got up and carefully packed the box inside one of my cases that was to go with me to Chris’s flat before I finally spent the rest of the time sorting what was left and sending boxes of things to charity. It was cathartic, healing, and when I was done, I sat on the floor, wondering what to do with myself. I couldn’t stay with Chris forever. I needed time and space to get over this. Seeing that box reminded me of the reasons I needed a break from him. I loved him, so freaking much, but I couldn’t be with him unless I was willing to open that box, and I wasn’t. I probably would be okay opening it in the future, but we both weren’t ready to deal with the contents yet. I considered going home, but it felt so much like failure, so it wasn’t an option. It was time to start flat hunting. I had the cash from my grandma in my savings so I knew I could afford to find a place, but I needed to get a paid job within a year or I’d need to do something else. I grabbed the paper and was sitting in Sixties scanning for flats when Wyatt and Serena walked in.
Serena was less than pleased to see me, but Wyatt greeted me with a hug.
“Hey, good to see you. How’re you healing up? Where Chris?”
His eyes scoured the bar before settling on me, and he plopped himself into the seat beside me.
“I’m good. Chris is at work, and I’m here to see if I can reduce my hours a bit.”
Wyatt ran his fingers through his longish brown hair and smirked as Serena huffed at his side. It was an open secret that they had a thing, but Serena wanted more from him than he would give her. She wanted it all, and Wyatt was the ultimate player.
“Yeah. That’s fine. You’re still off for another two weeks, but I’ll put you in for how many shifts?”
“Can I do three a week?”
“For God’s sake…” Serena started, but Wyatt held his hand up and silenced her. She spun on her heels and stormed off, slamming the office door behind her.
“God, some women.” His smirk and the playful tone of his words made me smile before he continued as though Serena hadn’t just stormed off. A crash sounded from the office, but he ignored it as he spoke to me.
“Three is fine. I’ll sort that out for you.”
His eyes glanced down, and I saw him frown as he took in my scribbles for flats.
“You looking for a fla
t?”
His voice was soft, and he glanced around after I nodded, slipping into the seat across from me and smiling at me.
“I have a flat to rent. It’s actually next door to mine, but I didn’t want anyone here to know. You can have it for a few months, rent free, if you want?”
I stared at him and wanted to say yes, but something was holding me back.
“What’s the catch?”
He grinned at me, and I knew I’d rumbled his plan. “My sister is coming to town in a month or so and she wanted to stay with me, but I didn’t want her to, and I didn’t want her to stay in the flat alone, so could you stay with her?”
I pondered it for a moment. His sister was spoiled, entitled, and bratty, but he was offering me a flat in London rent free. Could I really say no? Could I turn him down?
Just as I opened my mouth to answer, I saw a message from Chris on my cell and I quickly picked it up.
Hey babe, working late. Be home around midnight. Love C xx
I shrugged and turned back to Wyatt, nodding and muttering, “Fine, but you owe me. If she messes with me, I’m gonna kick her ass.”
His laugh was loud, and I knew we were good, but I wanted him to speak to Chris before I accepted fully.
“I need to talk it over with Chris, but I need some space and I know he does too.”
His conversation the night before came back to me, and as I made my way back to the flat in Wyatt’s Merc, I knew I was making the right choice. We both needed some time to heal, to process, and if we were still meant to be together, then we would be. I had faith that we belonged together, and I knew Chris would be upset with me initially, but eventually he’d come around. He had to.
I walked in from work, and to say I was exhausted was an understatement. Once I’d slid the chain across the front door, I bypassed everything until I reached my bedroom. As I opened the door, the sight before me was enough to make my heart smile. Callie was where she was meant to be.
Softly, I crawled onto the bed and lined myself up alongside her, my front to her back, and inhaled her sweet scent into my lungs before I left a tender kiss on her cheek. I gently rolled away and stood up, stripping out of my clothes, and went for a quick shower.