by Sienna Grant
Goodbye? Nope, not happening.
I’ll miss you? Didn’t think he’d believe it anymore.
With that last depressing thought, I let myself drift off to sleep, wishing he was still beside me and wishing more than anything that I could stop feeling like my heart had been ripped out and stomped all over.
34
Chris
Throwing myself on my bed, I shoved my hands behind my head. I still felt the sting of her words. I wasn’t sure how many more times I could tell I loved her and that she was my whole life. I only heard the word guilt and that was it. I wasn’t going to stay there and be rejected again, so I was out the door quicker than a rocket. But as I thought back over my words to her, I basically told her she wasn’t worth it. And that was so not true. I’d jump off a cliff for her as long as she was standing beside me.
My mobile flashed with her name, but I let it ring out. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to her yet. It was way too raw. Everywhere I looked in the flat, I could see Callie. I closed my eyes and drift off to sleep.
The next couple of days melted into one as I did the same thing. Got up, went to work, and worked as much overtime as I possibly could. Even Summers told me he was sick of seeing me and to go home and maybe take some time off. But to do what? I didn’t have Callie to spend the time with, and her friends were my friends. She haunted my every waking hour and invaded my dreams. Every intimate moment we’d shared attacked my mind like a slideshow. I missed her. I should’ve listened to her, or at least let her speak, then I could’ve made my own decisions, but what did I do? I went off on a tangent and stormed off.
I was sick of thinking about her. She was constantly on my mind. It was time I did something instead of thinking ‘what if?’.
I jumped in the shower and quickly scrubbed my body and washed my hair before turning the water off and wrapping a towel around me. I grabbed some jeans from the drawer and shirt from the wardrobe, shrugged it on, and rubbed some aftershave around my cheeks and neck. It was Tuesday, and I knew Callie worked in Sixties on Tuesdays. I needed to talk to her.
I left the flat, jumped in the car, and parked in the car park behind Sixties.
Being a Tuesday, it wasn’t that busy as I walked into the pub. I looked around first to see if I could spot Callie, but I couldn’t. Wyatt was behind the bar, laughing with one of the other bar staff. Casually, I wandered up to the bar and asked the other barmaid for a Pepsi, seeing as I was driving too.
“I’ll get it.” Wyatt took over and poured my drink, placing it down on the bar.
“Wyatt. It’s not like you to run the bar on a Tuesday.” I was fishing for information, but I was trying not to be direct and ask about Callie. I felt the frown on my brow and took a sip before putting some change on the bar.
He pushed the money back towards me. “It’s on the house.” He leaned his hands on the bar and stared me in the eye.
“So, is Callie around?”
Slowly, Wyatt shook his head from side to side and chewed on his lip.
“Is everything okay, Wyatt? You look like you have something on your mind.”
“Well, yeah. I do. And since you’ve asked, then I’ll tell you.” I lifted an eyebrow and waited. “Callie isn’t here. In fact, she won’t be here for a while.” I felt the frown ingrain deeper into my brow. “I think you’re a complete tool for the way you’ve treated her. That girl is amazing, and believe me, if I thought for a second that she felt anything for me, I’d be in there like a shot. But she loves you. Personally, I think she’s crazy.”
I stood up straight and shoved my hands in my pocket. “Hang on just a second, Wyatt…”
“No, you hang on, Chris. That girl is head over heels in love with you, but you can’t get past your own fucking ego. You might’ve saved her from that bullshit, but that doesn’t give you the right to treat her like you have.”
“She left me. I gave her the space she asked for. What the fuck does everyone want from me?”
“I want you to pull your head out of your arse and see just how much that girl loves you. Because I tell you now, she’s not always going to be around. Someone, someday will walk into her life and snap her up. Get your fucking act together.”
I gritted my teeth and took his bollocking on the chin. It wasn’t like me, but everything he said was true. One day, I’d lose her completely.
“Where is she?”
“Did I not mention that bit? She’ll be in L.A. now. She’s gone to stay with Beth and Charlie for a while.”
“Are you shitting me?”
A smirk pulled at his mouth, and I never wanted to hit someone more than I did him right then.
“Nope. She went yesterday.”
My heart sped up, and I wanted to jump on a plane and go over there, but I couldn't I had to work. What the fuck was I going to do now?
I could feel my heart breaking all over again.
“So, are you going to put the footwork in to get her back, or are you going to do what I think you’re going to do and give her up? Let her live her life?”
“You’d love that, wouldn’t you?”
“Yeah, I'm not gonna lie. I like you as a person, Chris, but you’ve fucked up big time where she’s concerned.”
Lifting the glass to my lips, I drained the contents before slamming it back down on the bar towel spread out in front of me. I turned away from Wyatt ‘s smug fucking face and charged from the bar before I did something I’d regret.
I went straight home and paced the floor with my phone in my hand. Did I try to call her or not? Would she even answer me if I did?
I didn’t think I could live without her. Fuck’s sake. I was such an idiot. Why the fuck didn’t I answer her call when she rang me?
“Chris, you’re a wanker. Pure and simple,” I muttered out loud. I shook my head and called the next best person, but Charlie's phone rang out too.
I threw it down on the bed and sank into the mattress, putting my head in my hands. Like a dam had burst, tears broke free and ran down my face. I angrily swiped them away, but I couldn’t stop them falling, so I succumbed to them. It was like I’d already lost her. I felt like someone had chipped a chunk of my heart away. There was a missing piece, and I needed it back.
Blowing out a shaky breath, I wiped my face and called Charlie again. This time, he answered, but he wasn’t his normal, easy-going self.
“Who told you?”
“Wyatt. And don’t worry, he well and truly kicked my arse.”
“Good. She’s a fucking mess, Chris. We Facetimed her the night you walked away from her…”
“Why does everyone keep saying that?”
“Because I know what you’re like. You’re a hothead and you don’t listen, or you don’t give people the chance to explain before you go off on one.”
I sighed and shook my head. I knew what he was saying was true, but still, it didn’t mean it didn’t sting.
“What do I do, Charlie? I love her. I can’t focus. I just needed time to process. I didn’t think she’d move thousands of miles away.”
“She just wants a chance to succeed in something she loves, but you tell me what you want from her. What do you need?”
“I want to marry her. I need to be able to make her see that I want her no matter what. She thinks that in a few years; time I’m going to walk away from her, but I’m not.”
“Can you blame her? She just wants you to be certain. She has to know that you accept that she can’t have kids. I think of Callie like a sister. I won’t see her hurt anymore. You may have saved her, but right now, you’re breaking her.” Silence hung between us before Charlie spoke again. “Come to L.A. We have plenty of room.” He paused. “I’ve got it You can make a bet…”
“A bet?”
“Yeah. A bet. It worked for Beth and me.”
“Let me see if I can get some time off work and I’ll let you know.”
“Give me a call, I’ll book you a flight.”
“You’re a good man
, Charlie.”
“Thanks, Christopher.”
The line went dead, and I took the phone from my ear. Charlie was right. I needed something to barter with, but what…?
I threw myself back on the bed and let my thoughts run wild. The first thing was to get some time off work. I was sure Summers wouldn’t mind. He’ll be glad to see the back of me for a while.
I stripped down and got into bed, and for the first time in months, I had a plan in place. Well, at least part of a plan. I was sure the rest would fall into place.
My heart felt lighter when I landed in L.A. and I caught a cab to Beth and Charlie’s house. The house was gorgeous, and while I got a slight pang when I saw the nursery, it passed, and I was happy again for them.
I didn’t hear from Chris, but Wyatt text me and told me he’d stopped by Sixties. I ignored the message and replied later when he asked if I was okay.
Beth, on the other hand, was relentless, and pushed me to open up to her. We talked about Chris and what happened again, but she didn’t make me feel like an idiot for letting him in.
Once Charlie was back, we’d gone out for dinner and Charlie introduced me to Tony Spence, a director who loved my sarcasm and my accent.
He asked me if I had any acting experience, and Charlie threw me under the bus, telling him that I’d been in EastEnders with him.
Nobody knew that. Not even Chris. I’d been on there as a spotty teenager with big earrings, a big mouth, and was gone after six months.
“So, you’ll come and audition next Thursday? Charlie can bring you. Do you sing or dance?”
“She does. She’s actually an amazing singer, and a freaking fantastic dancer.” Bad, Charlie… out of shape….
He nodded at that, and then we left, heading back to their house. I sat in the front with the driver as they kissed in the backseat and smiled.
I had an actual audition, and I was pretty excited about it. Maybe I could stay in L.A. after all.
We made it back to the house, and Charlie and Beth went to bed while I sat by the pool and sipped on a chilled glass of wine, watching the moonlight dance across the pool. I tried to block Chris out of my thoughts, but I couldn’t help missing him, wishing things were different, and hating how things had turned out.
I wasn’t tired at all, and neither was Charlie if his appearance at midnight was anything to go by.
“Hey, what you still doing up?”
His voice made me jump, and I lifted my wine glass as he walked over and sat beside me.
“You wanna talk about what’s keeping you awake?” Charlie was intuitive. He was a good listener, and I knew what I said would be safe with him.
“I miss him. It sucks.”
He was silent for a minute as he reached over and firmly gripped my hand.
“Listen, Cals, I’ve known you since you were an eighteen-year-old kid. I’ve watched you become this amazing, strong person, and I know the shit you’ve been through, but so does Chris. He loves you. He’s stubborn and pig-headed, but he does love you, and he wants you.”
My tears fell and I stared at Charlie for a moment, spilling my darkest secret to him. I knew I could trust him not to say anything, but even Beth didn’t know the thing that hurt me the most.
“You remember when I was first with Chris and we broke up?”
Charlie nodded, staring at me as I sucked in a breath.
“I never told anyone the reason we ended things. The reason we said we’d stay friends instead of staying together was because I had a miscarriage. I was happy, relieved even, because I was only twenty-one and I didn’t have a steady job, or a career goal, and he was new to the force.”
Charlie’s eyes widened, and I stared at him, wishing I could stop myself speaking, but knowing I needed to tell the story.
“Chris was devastated and wanted to try again, but I said no, and it eventually pushed us apart. What he didn’t know, and I never told him, was that when we finally ended things, I found out I was pregnant again. I didn’t want to keep it, so I didn’t, and part of me can’t help wondering if the universe punished me for that every day afterwards.”
Charlie wrapped his hand around my shoulder, and I realised I was shaking with sobs. I’d never told anyone what had happened. Not a single other person knew what I’d done. If I’d known I wouldn’t be able to have kids, I might have reacted differently, but I didn’t.
“You never told him this?” Charlie asked.
I shook my head, holding back my sobs as I pictured telling him now. “No. I always wanted to, but the timing was never right, and I was scared. I thought I had all the time in the world to tell him, and that I could give him a baby in the future, but we don’t even have that option now, and I’m scared, Charlie. I’m so scared he’ll hate me forever for keeping that from him…”
“I don’t hate you. I never have.”
His voice sounded from behind me, and I turned to see him standing there with tears pooling in his eyes.
I opened and closed my mouth like a goldfish out of water as I surveyed him. He shifted nervously from foot to foot, glancing between me and Charlie. My eyes shot to Charlie accusingly, and I wondered if he knew Chris was there, but he gave nothing away.
Charlie smiled as he hauled me up, walked us over to Chris, and handed me over. Chris wrapped his hands around my back and held me tightly as I broke down.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Chris.”
My heart broke at the words and he sank to the ground, crying with me as he stroked my back and my neck.
“Why didn’t you call me? Or tell me?”
His voice was soft, but pain laced his every word.
“I was scared. I was so scared, and I know I made a mistake, but I didn’t know what was going to happen.”
His lips brushed mine, and I could taste the salt of his tears, his pain, and his desperation.
“Cals, I’m… fuck… I’m so sorry. Leaving you like that. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t. Please forgive me.”
His lips were back on mine, and I answered him with my body.
“Of course I forgive you. Can you ever forgive me for not telling you?”
He closed his eyes, and for a moment, there was silence before he bobbed his head once. “I do forgive you, but I hate that you didn’t tell me. It hurts so much that you kept it from me for almost four years.”
I knew we had a lot of issues to work on, but I loved him. I really loved him.
“I’m sorry. I should have told you…”
“Yeah, you should have, but it’s okay. I understand why you didn’t.”
Our lips brushed against each other, and he softly pushed against my mouth, demanding entry and groaning when I opened for him.
After a few more seconds, he stood and helped me up, leading me by the hand to the pool house. His bags were already inside, just by the door, and I glanced up at him, seeing his face fully in the light.
“Chris, what are you doing here?”
He sucked in a breath and smiled as my fingers danced along his jaw. “I called Charlie and he told me to come claim my woman.”
Claim me? I wasn’t a prize. My darkened thoughts must have showed on my face because he led me to the sofa and tugged me down to sit beside him. Once I was seated, he turned to me and ran his hand through his hair. His brown locks were longer than before, and his jaw had slight stubble on it, but it was the fire in his eyes that drew me in.
“I went to the station and requested my holidays. I uh… I haven’t taken any time off in a while, just because I didn’t have any desire to…” He broke off and sighed before scooting closer to me, wrapping his fingers gently around my wrist. “Cals, I have five weeks off. Charlie got me an open-ended ticket, but there’s something…” He stopped speaking, leaning his head against mine and kissing me softly before pulling back to meet my confused gaze. “I wanna make a bet with you.”
A bet! What?
“What, like Beth and Charlie made? We don’t need to do that, d
o we?”
He smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. His eyes still burned with something I couldn’t define.
“Yeah, we do. We keep hurting each other, pushing the other person away when we should be holding on to them.”
His fingers stroked my neck, my back, and then his hand twisted in my hair as he angled my mouth, kissing me hard. He stopped the kiss and wrenched his lips from mine, breathing hard.
“This, us, it’s enough for me, and if it’s all we get then so be it. I need to show you how serious I am about you, and I have the perfect idea of how to do it.”
“What’s your idea?” My voice was low, shaking with nerves, because if he wanted more time apart then I didn’t know if we’d be able to overcome it.
“One year.” It was all he said, and I looked at him in confusion until he laughed. “You get one year to make it, and when you land your dream job, then we get married.”
“Wait, get married?”
My heart pounded loudly in my chest as his words bounced around my head, and I met his eyes. His smile was so big that I couldn’t stop myself smiling back.
“Yes, one year. I believe in you, Callie Beckett, and I know you can do it, so I’m betting you that one year from today, July eighth next year, you’ll be in your dream job and we’ll be getting married!”
“And if I don’t make it?”
His lips brushed against mine, and he moved down to my neck, kissing me softly and running his fingers up and down my back.
“If you don’t make it, your forfeit is that we go our separate ways until you do. Gives you an incentive, huh?”
My eyes filled with tears and I kissed him hard, sliding over until I was sitting on his crotch.
“I love you so much, Callie.”
He was giving me an incentive to get a job, and I knew I could do it. I’d rope everyone in to help me because I loved him, and I wanted to be his forever.