Little Pills
Page 5
I can’t be the reason
Isabella loses
her best friend.
This has to end.
MY (WRONG) ANSWER
I grab Mia
around the waist.
Just like Alexis did Isabella.
When Mia turns I see
she’s more angry
than scared.
Still, her face lights up
with relief.
I know being kind
or listening to her
will only
make her
like me more.
So I let myself get mad
about her hitting my sister,
make fun of her,
call her a name or two.
And when her lip
finally goes out
and her eyes get glassy
with unspilled tears…
I screw up.
I tell her:
Having a friend
means
being a friend.
Maybe you should be happy
with the friends you’ve got.
Instead of trying to get more
by changing who you are.
She’s looking at me
like how
you’d look at an angel.
She says, Wow!
Your sister HATES you
and you’re still
sticking up
for her.
A DIFFERENT PARTY
This time without Alexis,
only with Johnnie C.
He’s who invited me,
then picked me up
in his older brother’s car.
And here we are.
Holy cow,
I can tell you
right now,
everyone here is high.
Not just on Oxy.
That’s, like,
a start.
Like the foundation
of a house
of beer and wine and pot.
Plus someone’s got
some Adderall.
I think
this is going
to be
too much.
Like last time.
But Johnnie
puts his arm
around
my shoulders
and tells me
not to worry.
Everyone’s cool, he says.
And the Oxy
should be kicking in
soon.
And he’s right.
AT SCHOOL
Alexis comes
bouncing up to me
like a puppy,
cute and springy.
Have you been
practicing?
she asks.
I squint at her,
unsure.
For our gig!
Oh, that.
Not for that
specifically, I admit.
But I’ve been,
you know,
mixing, I lie.
Alexis shakes her head.
Just what I was afraid of,
she says.
We need to plan on
practicing together
as soon as
we can.
How about tonight?
But I can’t tonight.
Because I’ve got…
ANOTHER DIFFERENT PARTY
Johnnie and I
sit in a giant beanbag chair
in the back
of a living room.
I still don’t know
exactly whose
living room.
But we’re not too far,
maybe an hour from home.
Still, Hancock Point?
May take only an hour
to get to,
but it is a million
miles
away.
Like,
may as well be
Beverly Hills.
These houses
are mostly owned
by people
from Away—
Boston, New York, Connecticut.
Four-bedroom,
five-bath
mansions
where they live
for a few weeks
in the summer.
Sometimes the whole family
comes for the holidays,
all the siblings
and in-laws.
(Sin-laws, Rupert
used to call them.
Hahaha!)
Probably
the kid
who threw the party
doesn’t live here.
Probably
his parents
take care
of this place.
So he has a key.
Johnnie
pulls me closer.
Grins at me,
golden and crooked.
Thanks for the hookup, he says.
He means
about the Oxy.
He was down
to one
pill
so I gave him
some of mine.
I’m running low,
need to go see Gramma
sometime soon.
But I don’t feel
like there’s a rush,
because I don’t plan
to take it that much
anymore.
Just special events.
Like tonight.
ALEXIS, AGAIN
At school.
She comes
up to me
less bouncy,
more cool.
I heard
where you were
last night,
she says.
I know
you have
this boyfriend
and all but…
But what?
I never thought
a boy
would get
between us.
Get between us how?
Listen:
Are you
DJing
this party
with me
or not?
Because if you are,
We need to practice.
To-geth-er!
I want to.
I do!
It’s just…
JOHNNIE C.
is easy
to be
around,
quiet and soft and glowing.
I never thought
I’d want
to do Oxy
*with*
someone.
It’s one of
my ways
to escape.
But Johnnie
makes it
even nicer.
I like how he
kisses me
before the pills kick in.
He comes home
with me
after school
most days now.
We used to
put a chair
against the door
to keep
Mia and Isabella out.
But now we just
sneak into
Leo’s room.
Johnnie isn’t
planning on
college.
He’s not even
counting on his
CTE
to land him
a job.
He figures
he’s
army bound.
I tell him
about Leo.
My brother who is gone.
He tells me about Anthony.
His brother who
used to do
Oxy like we do.
Then he switched to heroin
because
it’s cheaper
and easier to get.
Heroin?
That’s for addicts!
Johnnie C.
just looks at me.
No, I tell him.
If it c
omes to that,
I’ll just quit.
That’s what he said,
Johnnie says
very slowly.
Then he tells me
Anthony
is dead.
THE PARTIES BLUR TOGETHER
Johnny grins
at me,
glowing.
His eyes
are
pinpoints.
I wonder how many angels
are dancing in them?
All of them,
I’ll bet.
All the angels
dancing
on the pinpoints
in my boyfriend’s
eyes.
And I think
how much I prefer
that
to the look of
meth
or Adderall.
Where the pupils get
huge
and you look like
an alien
or
like you’re
having a heart attack
but you
haven’t figured
that out yet.
Johnnie is talking.
I think
he has been
but I’m just
suddenly aware of it.
It’s HARD
to focus.
I’m TIRED.
Soooo sleepy.
Soooo—
Charlotte?
Wha?
He laughs.
You maybe
took too much.
You’re nodding off
on me, girl.
I think this
should scare me,
but it doesn’t.
It’s like
the howl of a wolf
but only
on a television.
Anyway, he says.
I asked
how much of this
you have.
And would you
be interested
in selling?
Selling what?
He laughs again.
All this
Oxy
you say
you have
lying around.
Oh.
Yeah,
whatever.
Sure.
If you know
someone
who wants
to buy it.
MISTAKE №1
Mistakes
don’t always
*look*
like mistakes.
Sometimes
they look
like
winning.
Sometimes
they look
like
money.
Johnnie C.
comes back
days after
the
party.
He hands me
enough money
to buy
my
music software!
If
I gave him
some more
pills,
I
could buy
some decent
headphones!
and maybe even
my own
laptop!
But I gotta stop.
I’m nearly out
and won’t see
Gramma
till Saturday.
SURF’S UP
Johnnie says
he hopes
I’ve got more,
because
he’s got
a lot
of buyers.
I ask him
how he knows.
I keep getting texts.
I don’t like it
that people
are texting you
about drugs!
How stupid
do you think
I am?
I don’t text:
Hey,
wanna
buy
some
Oxy?
Okay. What do you text?
Surf’s up!
What?
That’s the text I send.
If people
are interested,
they text back:
Hang ten.
Sometimes
they text
“Hang ten ”
to me first.
That still seems
fishy.
Being
that we live
in a place with
little surfing.
He laughs at this.
Johnnie says,
You know,
if you
crush it up
and
snort it
you won’t need
as much
as when you just
swallow the pills.
How do you know?
That’s what
someone
told me,
anyway.
Might
be worth trying
if
you
want to make
some
more money.
I don’t like
the idea
and
I tell him.
To his credit,
he drops it.
HANG TEN
But
I get to thinking
about the money.
The fewer pills
I need,
the more money
I can get,
and the faster
I can get
my DJ stuff.
You have people
who want this
right now?
Johnnie C.
waves his phone
at me.
Right this very minute.
MISTAKE №2
Popping pills
wraps you in
a cloud.
Snorting crushed
pills
takes you
straight to
heaven.
COMING DOWN
Crashing.
Itching.
Scratching.
Glass shards.
Needle pricks.
Every muscle aching.
Head feels like it’s breaking.
Splitting right in two.
Nothing to do
except another line.
WAKING UP SICK
Slept 12 hours,
feels like 4.
Woke up with,
like,
the flu.
Again.
Only worse.
Yeah,
I know
what this is.
I KNOW.
I need
to see Gramma
and get
more pills.
I’ll keep
just a couple
to take
the edge off.
Sell
the
rest.
Then
work on
getting off
this stuff.
GRAMMA
But it turns out
Gramma
is sick, too.
She calls
and says
not to come.
We’ll have to
bake tomorrow,
if
she’s up to it.
If.
If?
IF SHE’S NOT UP TO IT I’M GOING TO DIE!
WHOA
Okay, calm down.
This is bad, though.
What’s in the house?
Go to the bathroom,
shut the door.
It doesn’t
feel like
a safe place
anymore.
WHAT CAN MAKE THIS STOP HURTING!?!?
Calm down. Breathe.
THROW UP. HEAVE.
Okay, that’s over with…
Feels like
flu.
Take
flu medicine.
WHICH IS IN THE LINEN CLOSET.
It’s okay.
I can make it
to the linen closet.
House is cold…empty?
Mom’s gone.
Isabella, too.
Rupert? Rupert!
RUPERT
Oxys!
On his
bedside table.
Rupert and Mom’s room
is still.
Creep in.
See a mound—he’s here, dang!
BUT
on his bedside table
sure enough
is a round,
brown
bottle.
Another step…
What do you need, Charlotte?
Geez!
I jump
about
10 feet!
Uhhhh…
Where’s NyQuil?
Really.
Uhm, yeah?
I have the flu.
<
very
long
pause>>
You seem
to get the flu
a lot lately.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE NYQUIL IS OR NOT?!
Uh-oh.
But Rupert is
very calm.
It’s in the linen closet.
So calm.
Where it always is.
It scares me.
And Charlotte?
That bottle
by my
bedside
isn’t Oxy.
It’s Humira
for my arthritis.
So don’t
take it
or
sell it.
KNOCKED OUT
by the NyQuil.
But wake up
in a cold sweat.
Still tired,
more tired.
Stomach hurts.
ACHES! CRAMPS!
Like it’s
tied
in a knot
and
all the food
started to rot
and it’s
POISONING ME!
THIS IS CRAZY.
GO SEE GRAMMA
NOW!
TAKE HER SOME SOUP
OR SOMETHING.
And then my phone rings AGAIN.
ALEXIS
Like, the 50th time.
WHAT DOES SHE WANT?!?
But hey!
I pick up.
Can-you-take-me-over-to-my-Gramma’s?
I blurt.
Your Gramma’s?
She’s like,
three blocks away.
And we have to practice.
And what’s
wrong
with you?
You sound
awful!
Practice what?
And I have the flu.
And I know
it’s only
three blocks.
But I don’t
feel good
and it’s cold
and
you know
what?
Forget it.
I’ll call
someone