by Candy Paull
Cherish Your Loved Ones
The body changes, the mind expands, but the heart holds beloved ones most dear, with an inner image that never fades—no matter how many years have passed. If I could counsel my younger self, I would tell her to believe in herself, to not be afraid to give herself passionately to life, and to be brave about expressing her love—both for others and for the things of life that most deeply interest and move her. When you are living it, the moment feels like it will last forever, that everyone will always be the same. But life moves on, and the Chronos of time takes its toll. Young men and women with bright futures will live through death and divorce, failure and loss, as well as the passages of establishing careers, marrying, having children, and growing older. In the Kairos of memory, they are still the brave hearts I once knew, but it is so easy to take loved ones for granted while they are here with you. Though I carry my loved ones forever in my heart, I want to be more fully present—more deeply loving—in the days we are together. And this is so not only for past friendships, but most especially for current friends and family who are still with me.
The most important things in life aren’t things—they are the people you love. Love is more important than any mere material thing or exalted reputation could ever be. Instead of buying extravagant things, be extravagant with your love. Cherish the people dear to your heart, and invest time and treasure in building lasting, loving relationships. Remember that people are more important than things, and only love lasts beyond the grave. A loving heart is a priceless gift in life.
It’s important to balance your priorities so that loved ones don’t feel neglected. Spend time with your children, partner, family, and beloved friends. Nurturing them will also feed your spirit, for these are the people who care most for you. From performing chores at home to just being with loved ones, one of the greatest gifts you’ll ever give is the gift of yourself. When you look back on your life, it won’t be the big promotion or the school grade average that will warm your heart. It will be memories of the times you shared with people that will be important. Enjoy them now, while they are still here. Celebrate life with the people dearest to your heart.
Social media can be a wonderful way to connect—depending on the way you use it. I use Facebook to stay in touch with friends, both from my current circles and from the past. But I use it sparingly and as a personal connection. Each form of social media has its pros and cons. Twitter might be like clever repartee standing up at a party; Facebook, catching up for a brief time; and LinkedIn, for business connections. It is easy to get caught up in surface connections and forget that the best connections are meeting with people face-to-face. Social media is constantly changing and evolving, but the heart of staying in touch never changes. Follow your heart, even if it means staying away from the social media party and spending time with a friend or loved one instead.
There are many ways to celebrate the love of those you miss. Call friends and family who are far away. Send cards, letters, and gifts. And for those who are no longer in this life, treasure the memories you hold in your heart and give thanks for the richness they have added to your life. Vow to honor their memories by loving the people who are still in your life and by living with a lighter heart. Instead of worrying about what people think, be willing to take some risks to express the love that is in your heart and the zest you have for life. Instead of allowing the press of career agenda and the stresses of life to rule your days, choose to honor that which truly lasts: the joyful bliss of loving others—loving life itself—with your whole heart.
Celebrate Friendships
Set aside time to share with those you love. One of your greatest treasures is your time. How you spend your time indicates where your priorities truly lie. If you say you love someone, but you have no time for her, then how is she to know you really care? Slow down long enough to enjoy the companionship of loved ones. Instead of packing your schedule, leave room in your calendar for serendipity to allow space and time for Divine appointments to arise. Look for opportunities to share your love with others through a friendly smile, a word of encouragement, or by offering a helping hand.
Blessed are they who have the gift of making friends, for it is one of God’s best gifts. It involves many things, but above all, the power of going out of one’s self, and appreciating whatever is noble and loving in another.
—Thomas Hughes
Get together with friends who make you laugh. Cultivate a happier mood by keeping a sense of perspective. Remember that most of the things you worry about today will be forgotten tomorrow. Take your troubles to God in prayer and leave them there so you can celebrate with a lighter heart. One way to stay positive even when negative things happen is to step back from stressful situations, giving yourself time to regain perspective. Another is to take good care of yourself; then you’ll have energy for cheerfulness. Let prayer reconnect you to a sense of the Divine Presence so you can see that everything is a blessing—even when it’s in disguise.
Be more playful, as others need the medicine of mirth and childlike joy as much as you do. Do you know how to play well? Play should be rejuvenating, allowing you to reach for fresh new ideas. Choose leisure-time activities that give you a sense of thrill and adventure. Take up new challenges that give you a natural high. Do something with a joyful heart and let the fun be its own reward.
An adventure can be as simple as seeing the latest movie, trying a new restaurant, going to a concert, or going for a drive down a country road to see where it leads. Some people need adventures that demand a long-term commitment, like training for a marathon. Others find enough adventure in traveling to the local mall and having a makeover. Sometimes the most challenging adventure of all is taking one small step in the direction of the dreams you once set aside. Only you can decide what is adventurous for you.
Mark your calendar and make a date with someone you love. Have dinner with your family, take your beloved on a picnic, make a date to go walking. Meet a friend for lunch, host a get-together to introduce friends to one another, and create cards, gifts, and remembrances that say to dear friends, “You’re special to me.” Cuddle a child, reach out to strangers, and share love with those who might feel left out. It doesn’t take much to make a child happy. A listening heart and the treasure of your time and attention are the most meaningful gifts.
Be positive when you are with others. Set aside your worries and gloomy thoughts. Concentrate on the abundance of this moment, right here and now. Your thoughts and attitudes not only affect what happens to you, they also create a warm and glowing atmosphere around you. Your positive attitude and smile can light up someone’s life, as well as make your own life easier and happier. When you spread your own brand of sunshine, some of those heartwarming beams smile back on you. Your decision to look on the sunny side can bring lightness and ease to daily life.
Share in Laughter
Laughter is a fountain of youth—drink from the fountain often. Laughter renews your zest for life. If you’ve been feeling old and tired and cranky lately, ask yourself if you’ve been taking things too seriously. Maybe it’s time for a good, old-fashioned belly laugh. You have a quirky sense of humor, and your friend’s humor is on the same wavelength. You laugh at the same jokes, roll your eyes at the same stupidities, and appreciate the same delicious ironies in the human comedy. Laughter is good medicine, and there’s no better remedy than sharing a good laugh. Humor can draw people together or push them apart, so let your laughter be kind and gentle; no cruel jokes at others’ expense. If a loved one trusts you in laughter, she will also trust you with tears.
Share a Day of Renewal and Relaxation
Set aside a day that combines play and personal growth. Whether it’s luxuriating at a spa, hiking in the wilderness, or sharing a spiritual retreat, spending a renewal day with friends or loved ones is therapeutic fun. Make this a real time of renewal and don’t allow daily obligations to intrude. Savor every moment together. Leave time for dreaming
as well as doing, and quiet along with conversation. You’ll return to your busy lives refreshed by your time away.
Prime the pump of laughter. Pull out old joke books and rent funny movies. Spend a few moments smiling at the antics of puppies, kittens, or anything young, awkward, and coltish. Or better yet, pull out the old photo albums and see how much (or how little) you have changed in the intervening years. Those clothes you wore in junior high may have been the ultimate in fashion trends back then, but they may look pretty foolish when viewed through the eyes of an older self. Still, no matter what crazy fashion fads adorned young bodies, the beauty and freshness of youth still moves the heart. Whether you are laughing through tears or with the sheer exuberance of life, remember that you don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
Relationships expand in unexpected ways when you share lighthearted laughter and fun. You help each other discover a lighter and more optimistic attitude when the emphasis is on lighthearted fun or creative joy. When the emphasis is on fun, it motivates you to get together more often. Your time together becomes all the more refreshing; a true break from the serious business of making a living, keeping a home, and honoring your obligations. Get together for simple fun on a regular basis. Explore new territory, try new things, or just enjoy the pleasure of being together. One of the greatest gifts for me of living in Nashville is that friends get together to make music and to savor the sound of each individual’s gift. Going around the song circle blends each heart in a special kind of harmony.
Share Affection
People who are openly and freely affectionate bring each other a special kind of nurturing. If you are feeling happy, share your joy with others. If you are feeling sad and lonely, seek out others who need encouragement and you’ll feel better, too. Give hugs regularly, for everyone needs to know that they are lovable. Even shy people enjoy a hug when it’s given with love and respect. Be sensitive. There are times for hugging and times when people need a little more space. More often than not, people appreciate a warm and loving hug. Embrace friends—and life—with welcoming arms. Be generous with your affection. Be blessed by the giving and receiving of love and trust.
Don’t forget the digital camera. Taking candid photos at parties and gatherings, or when you spend time with a friend, will help you extend the celebration and remember these joyous reunions for a lifetime. Catching people at a moment of unself-conscious fun offers a simple way to remember them at their best. Create a memory book, share photos on social media, or make a collage to help you remember the precious time you were with these special people in your life. You won’t regret it: Years from now those photos will reflect not only who you were way back when, but who you have become since you last saw those wonderful people. You perceive one dimension of your relationships in the moment, another dimension when the moment has passed. Since photography is so easy and ubiquitous in the digital age, take advantage of this tool for savoring the experiences of life and relationships as they evolve.
Experience the Wonders of People around You
The world contains a kaleidoscope of colors, textures, tastes, sounds, and smells. Look at the endless array of human faces and varieties of self-expression—both personally and culturally. Get any group of human beings together and you’ll find lots of differences. One of the most delightful things about relationships is that each person offers you a different perspective on yourself. As you grow and evolve as a person, your relationships should also grow and evolve. Whether it’s a longtime loved one or someone you just met, give each other room to grow and change.
What you think about colors your experience of life. Your ability to focus your awareness is a wonderful tool for creating positive change in your perceptions. You can choose to create more positive relationships on a thought-by-thought basis. If you focus on what you dislike, what makes you angry, and who you disagree with, you’ll find that your mind will dwell on those negative thoughts. You can change your focus and choose to think about what is good and true and beautiful. If you do so, your mind naturally looks for more good. Everyone is growing and evolving, so leave plenty of room for change and respect the different stages of evolution you each might be experiencing in life.
When you spend time with others, tender feelings can get bruised in the midst of group interaction. Be aware of the emotional climate in the group and considerate of the feelings of others. Keep calm and be empathetic. Your consideration and tact can smooth ruffled feathers and help people get along better. If you find yourself losing perspective and taking things too personally, release your attachment to the outcome. Step away and take a time-out to regain perspective, if necessary. If a critical remark is made, let it pass. Agree to disagree and leave it at that. Choose to look at everything—even difficult people or unpleasant situations—as teachers with lessons to offer.
Be Forgiving
Other people mirror what you are inside, so if you see ugliness in another, you are seeing a portion of your own ugliness. If you forgive another, you are also forgiving yourself. If you give to another, it is a universal law that she who gives will also receive. You create more of what you focus on. Focus on the things you like about your relationship and the good things this person brings to your life. Remember past good times and the difficult times you’ve weathered together.
Show Appreciation
Every day, tell at least one person something you like, admire, or appreciate about her. Honor each person for her contribution, letting others know that her opinion and feelings are important. Keep your emotional radar attuned in sensitive situations. Be kind and loving, yet keep the focus on the positive. When you are feeling angry, impatient, or frustrated, ask yourself the question: “What would love choose in this situation?” Put others at ease in embarrassing situations. Let intuition tell you whether to make an empathetic remark or move tactfully on to another subject.
We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another.
—Luciano De Crescenzo
Praise Others
People respond to praise like flowers respond to sunshine. A good word in season can encourage the discouraged and lift up the downhearted. Most people look for something to criticize. It takes a wise person to look for something to praise. Actively look for that which is praiseworthy in others. If someone dresses with great elegance, tell her that you admire her style. When you see someone do a courageous or kind act, let her know that you appreciate what she did. Praise honest effort. Give authentic praise to people you admire. Your generous praise encourages others to continue to do good and to be true to their highest selves.
Listen Fully
Practice active listening. One of the greatest gifts you can give another human being is to really listen to what they have to say. Most people listen with only half their minds, thinking about how they’ll answer the other person before she is finished speaking. Teach yourself to listen intently to others. Commit to listening fully and to hearing what is not said as well as what is said. Wait before you reply. Take a breath before responding. It will literally give the conversation breathing space. After the other person is finished speaking, repeat in your own words what you thought she said. When the conversation is finished, thank her for letting you know how she sees the world.
Be Dependable
You’ve experienced the letdown when someone made an easy promise, then didn’t follow through. You need to take your commitments seriously if you want others to take you seriously. If you say you’ll do something, make every effort to follow through. Healthy relationships thrive on commitment and dependability. Empty promises can cause stress between people. By being someone others can depend on, you create a solid foundation for long-lasting relationships.
Share Life Stories
Sharing life stories helps cement relationships and creates a deeper bond of trust and understanding. Sharing the stories of events in your life offers insight into why you feel
the way you feel, how you came to this point in your life, and what you really want in the coming years. Our stories weave together the threads of our lives, reflecting a pilgrimage of faith and hope. You don’t have to be a great storyteller or make a dramatic statement. Simply sharing your experiences can create a common bond of understanding.
Don’t be shy about sharing your story when the opportunity arises. You have something special to offer. Others will be encouraged by your experiences. They will be blessed by what you’ve learned. Even your failures and shortcomings are an important part of the story. Pick a topic and share a personal story with a friend: The first time you fell in love. Your greatest loss. The most meaningful encounter you have experienced and why it is important to you. The happiest day in your life. When someone asks, be brave and share your story.
Leave Room for Your Friends to Grow
You and your friends can grow separately without having to grow apart. Love holds people with an open hand. As you offer each other the freedom to explore, you give love room to grow and expand. As you anchor each other in your prayers, trust grows even though you take different paths. If your relationship is changing, don’t try to hold on and keep the relationship frozen in the past. Hold loved ones with an open hand. Then, even if they fly away, they’ll still feel free to return to the person who gives them room to grow.
Honor the Milestones
Births, weddings, deaths, anniversaries, and birthdays all celebrate important milestones in life. These are the landmarks in the landscape of life; memorable moments and meaningful passages that friends and family need to celebrate together. Remember a birthday with a card and gift, share the joy of a wedding or birth, honor the sorrows and losses. Each season of life brings its own beauties and joys, its own sorrows and losses. As you commit to your own growth and evolution, celebrate the seasons of change and growth in the lives of the people you love.