The Gate of the Feral Gods

by Matt Dinniman

  Mordecai shook his head. “My boy, I have no clue. I’ve seen a few random ones here or there, usually as part of a storyline on the tenth or eleventh or twelfth floor. I watched one die once on the recap episode, but that was during the Celestial Ascendency, and all gods lose their invulnerability on the 12th. My gut says it won’t be invulnerable, but I don’t know for certain. Now open your goddamn boxes. You have a fan box that needs to get the timer going on, and you have your first gold boss box.”

  “Wait, you got a boss box?” Donut suddenly exclaimed. “Why did Carl and Katia get boss boxes, but I didn’t? I dropped the death charges! I thought we’d just all gotten screwed out of boxes because we always get screwed out of boxes.”

  “Maybe if you’d gotten wet with us, you’d have one too,” I said.

  “If I had gone in there, I would’ve been smushed on the ocean floor. You know how I feel about getting smushed. I’m not one of your hamsters, Carl.” She continued to mutter angrily under her breath. “First he goes up three levels when I only go up one, and he also gets a box. This is an outrage!”

  Mongo, who’d been getting his stomach rubbed by Langley, hopped up and screeched in agreement.

  Outside, the world rumbled again. We all stopped to look uncertainly at the ceiling.

  I had, indeed, gone up three levels to 47. Katia had also ascended three levels, taking her to 44. Donut was level 39, which worried me. She was still well above average, but I was starting to outpace her. She still had the most stat points by far thanks to her enhanced growth benefit, but this floor had really hindered her progress. Those five days in a time out had not helped.

  I pulled up my list of missed achievements, and I was surprised at the number of them. The quantity of achievements had been steadily decreasing the more time we spent in the dungeon, but this was probably the most I’d ever received at once. I realized I’d received one of them seven times. I thought it was a mistake at first until I saw the description.

  The AI was in rare form as he read this out. He was especially enthusiastic and giddy.

  New Achievement! Rock Bottom!

  You dived more than 1,000 meters below the surface, and you survived! You weren’t even wearing one of those deep-diving suits! The next thing you know, they’re gonna start calling you an honorary mudskipper!

  Reward: You’ve received a Gold I’m Wet Box!

  New Achievement! Fight the Power! (x7)

  I’m not repeating this shit over and over, but you got seven of these bad boys all at the same time.

  You and I have been named co-defendants in an action brought to the Syndicate Court by a third party, and we have been deemed—drum roll please—victorious! Why did they sue us? If you don’t already know why, you probably will never know. This is a rare event, but when it happens, crawlers usually lose these fights since they can’t afford a lawyer, being slaves and all. Plus I’ll throw you under the bus quicker than you can say “Arch Support.” But that doesn’t matter because today, victory is ours! Chalk one up for the little guy!

  This is one of the rare achievements that may be awarded more than once.

  Reward: You’ve received a Silver Summary Judgement box! (x7)

  New Achievement! Janet Jackson’s Nipple!

  You have been featured during a live special event. Sure you got your loyal followers and viewers, but this is on a whole new level. This is like getting to play the halftime show during the Super Bowl. We brought you to the stage, now dance for us, monkey. Dance!

  Reward: You have received a Platinum Fan Box!

  Note: Voting is now enabled on this box’s prize. Box will become available in 30 hours.

  This next one was in the AI’s creepy, I’m touching myself voice. I suppressed a shudder.

  New Achievement! Soft Vore!

  You got eaten by a monster much bigger than yourself, and you managed to get out without even getting chewed a little bit.

  Uh-oh. I think Daddy kinda liked that. I think it moved.

  We’re gonna have to do some experimenting with this one.

  Reward: You’ve received a Platinum Spicy Box.

  New Achievement! Flex in the City!

  You killed a city boss with the participation of five or less crawlers. That is some serious badassery right there. Color me impressed. Now go do it again with a Province Boss.

  Reward: You already got a boss box. Go open that instead.

  I received 10 other achievements, mostly regarding jumping around on the ocean floor, giving me a handful of regular adventurer and I’m wet boxes. To my left, Tran was opening his boxes with Gwen and the others, and they were gawking at all he’d received. Next to me, Katia was quietly going through her loot as well. I noted she hadn’t received either the Summary Judgement boxes or the spicy box.

  I wasn’t sure why she hadn’t received that weird “vore” achievement, whatever that meant. That was likely just one of those discretionary prizes the AI gave out. It wasn’t even a little bit fair, but I wasn’t about to complain about getting an extra box. At least I wasn’t going to complain yet. If the AI decided it had a thing for me getting swallowed alive, then that was going to be a problem. It was hard for me to tell if it was being serious or not.

  I looked at the line of Summary Judgement boxes. The last time the AI had gotten sued was when we’d been screwed out of the celestial boxes, and the system had been so butthurt over it, it had rewarded us with a ton of personal space coupons.

  The fact we’d gotten sued at all was testament to the notion that my plan was both possible and had merit. And that Borant hadn’t yet patched the game to disallow what I was going to attempt suggested that they had no problem with it, either. Zev even chimed in to ask me to reword my earlier conversation with Donut and Katia regarding my idea.

  Katia gasped as she opened the boss box, and a backpack appeared. Donut was pouting at her lack of loot and was making an effort to pretend like she was watching the movie, though nobody was paying attention anymore. The world outside continued to rumble and shake. There was a sound, too, like a stifled whimper.

  I started opening my loot.

  None of the adventurer boxes contained any more Water Breathing scrolls, though I did receive a handful more with the bronze I’m Wet boxes. It was mostly the regular stuff. Junk clothing items and weapons. Healing potions and mana restorations. A single invisibility potion. Hobgoblin dynamite. I was also starting to receive something called Good Healing Potions, which Mordecai said was a sign that I was progressing nicely.

  I did receive something a little concerning, however. Mordecai’s “uh-oh” when it appeared didn’t help.

  Potion of Dinosaur Repellent.

  Drink this if your party is attacked by a pack of dinosaurs, and they’ll eat you last. Effect lasts a full 30 hours.

  All seven of the silver Summary Judgement boxes contained three items.

  “What the hell?” I muttered as they appeared one by one. Mordecai appeared equally confused.

  Each box contained one gold piece, a Stock Certificate equal to one share, and a photograph. All seven of the stock certificates looked different. Some were paper. One was an actual egg covered in writing. Another was printed on glass. The photos were all the same size, but depicted a different creature.

  I picked up the first photo, and it was of a familiar type of orc. It was just an 8x10 color photograph on regular photo paper. It had no magical or special abilities at all. It portrayed a young, beefy female completely decked out in an overly-flowery and intricate Shakespeare-time dress. She wore a gaudy crown on her head. It reminded me of one of those ridiculous renaissance paintings people would get of their dogs and cats, but this time with a wild boar.

  Mother of Plaintiff #1, Prince Stalwart of the Skull Empire.

  This photograph portrays Queen Consort Ugloo of the Skull Empire. Portrait taken upon her Age Day ceremony.

  “What the hell?” I said again.

  The second photograph was an insectoid creature,
but the rest of the photos disappeared into my inventory before I could fully examine them.

  Mordecai just sat there with his beak open. “I… I think the AI just gave you photographs of the mothers of all the plaintiffs in that lawsuit.”

  “Why?”

  He didn’t answer as the Gold I’m Wet box opened, revealing a prize I wished I’d had all along. It was a glowing, blue ring that twinkled with little sparkles. Katia and Tran had also received this exact same prize.

  Ring of Water Breathing.

  If you wear this ring, you can breathe underwater. You can still breathe on land, too. That makes you an amphibian. Did you know that all amphibians swallow their prey whole? That’s such an interesting fact.

  -1 Charisma

  “Don’t wear that unless you are actually going into water,” Mordecai warned as it disappeared. “It makes you grow gills, and it makes your skin slimy.”

  Next came the boss box. Even though this was only a gold box, I knew this was supposed to be the best prize of the lot. I wasn’t expecting much. The box swirled and spun, little clockwork gears ratcheting loudly as it peeled open like a banana.

  The item appeared in a puff of magic smoke. A black bandana. It looked like a standard bandana, like the one I’d wear at work to cover my nose and mouth when the stench from the docks got too much. It was decorated with a typical white, paisley pattern.

  Mordecai made a little gasp. I didn’t have time to read the full description before it disappeared. I was too caught off guard by the item’s name. I felt my pulse quicken.

  Drakea’s Enchanted Kerchief of Disorder.

  Drakea was the author of the 22nd edition of the Dungeon Anarchist’s Cookbook, and he (or she, I wasn’t really sure) was also a crawler during the final naga-controlled season, which had suffered some sort of cataclysm. I needed to pretend I’d never heard the name before. My hands were shaking as the last item opened, the platinum Spicy box.

  Three items popped out.

  The first was a black, sleeveless, jacket made of a thick canvas. It glowed with a very subtle light, almost purple. The second item was a tiny, round patch depicting the planet earth. The thing was the size of a half-dollar. It wasn’t attached to the jacket, but it was clearly meant to be sewed on. The third item was a small, unenchanted sewing kit. It had two spools of thread, white and red. We’d already looted something similar from the floating house.

  Donut immediately jumped to the table and started inspecting the small patch.

  “Damn,” Mordecai said. “You got really good loot this time. The dungeon is starting to solidify your look for you. That’s a patch jacket. That means it has upgrade slots. Lots of upgrade slots. We’re gonna need to find you more patches as soon as possible.”

  Other than my zippo, my current jacket was my only remaining artifact from when I entered the dungeon. The old leather jacket was burned to hell, covered with holes, and missing an arm. The zipper had broken two floors ago, and it smelled pretty bad, too. I was glad to finally be rid of it.

  “This is just a screen print,” Donut said, pushing the patch aside with a strange amount of disgust. “Amateur hour. It really is a shame we’ve walked away from the fine art of embroidery.”

  “What? What’re you talking about?” I asked. Donut harumphed and returned her attention to the movie. I picked up the jacket and examined it.

  Enchanted Anarchist’s Battle Rattle.

  This sleeveless jacket in its current form only offers meager protections compared to some other items of this caliber. However, its ability to host as many upgrade patches as you can fit makes this one of the best, most upgradeable protection items in the game.

  The plain, unadorned version of this jacket imbues the following effects:

  +1 to all base stats.

  This base stat upgrade increases by +1 for every compatible patch that is added to this jacket. If an eligible Back Patch is added, this benefit is doubled.

  Access to the Desperado Club (already obtained)

  Access to the Naughty Boys Employment Agency (already obtained)

  +50% range and accuracy for all thrown explosives.

  “Hell yeah,” I said. The range benefit alone made this one of the most valuable items I had. I picked up the patch.

  Upgrade Patch. Small.

  This patch depicts the planet Earth, which is currently under the regency of the Borant System.

  Ahh, the planet earth. A whole lot of culture. A whole lot of spunk. So many dumbasses.

  If this upgrade patch is affixed to an eligible garment, it will imbue the following upgrades:

  +5% to Strength.

  Immunity from cloud-based attacks.

  Warning: Upgrade patches are fleeting items. You may remove them, but they will be destroyed in the process.

  “You already have several immunities, but this is another layer of protection,” Mordecai said. “You’ll want to sew that on right away. Just keep in mind you’ll want to maximize the available space. The bandana is also really good. You’ll have to wear it around your head or as a mask. Your neck slot is taken by your cloak.”

  Drakea’s Enchanted Kerchief of Disorder.

  This handy-dandy, versatile garment can be worn around the neck, in the hair, or on your face if you want to cosplay as a cowboy robbing a bank. Can also be tied around your arms or legs, but only if you want to look like a moron. Don’t tie it around your leg.

  This simple, square piece of fabric is a reminder that looks can be deceiving. The wearer of this item receives the following benefits:

  +5 to the Detect Traps skill.

  Wearer may cast a level-15 Tripper spell once every five hours.

  The Remote Detonator benefit.

  The Tripper spell was something I’d seen a few times during class selection, but at level 15, it had a very wide radius. The only problem was that I could only cast it once every five hours.

  Tripper

  A lot of people say crawlers who use this spell are chickenshit cowards. But then again, those same people are sitting at home covered in Cheeto mud watching this show while wearing pajamas.

  This spell automatically triggers all passage, motion, heat, and weight-based traps in a certain radius.

  Cost: This is an item-based spell. This spell does not require mana to cast. If you unequip the associated item, you will lose access to this spell. The cooldown will not reset.

  Target: a 10-meter radius sphere centered around the right hand of caster + 10 meters of radius per level of Intelligence.

  Duration: instantaneous.

  This spell is one of those good news, bad news situations. If you have your intelligence high enough, you can automagically trigger every trap in the quadrant with the snap of the finger. Blades will fall. Bombs will explode. Electrodes will zap. It’s great fun.

  Here’s the catch. This triggers the traps. It doesn’t disarm them. If you don’t know why that might be bad, then you’re probably gonna die anyway, so I wouldn’t worry about it.

  The spell was great, but I knew a lot of those traps involved throwing monsters at you. So it could be dangerous if it wasn’t utilized properly. We were already planning on using clockwork Mongos as minesweepers if we found ourselves in a heavy trap area. This would ease the load on Donut.

  The real prize was the remote detonator benefit.

  Remote Detonator.

  If you’re one of those explodey guys, I bet you use a lot of Hobgoblin Pus or Troll Boom-Boom Paste to make your bombs pop. Those days are now over. This benefit allows you to magically remote-detonate any explosive that has been designated by you.

  This benefit offers multiple physical and interface-based triggering options when combined with a Sapper’s table.

  “This is pretty awesome,” I said. I took the bandana and tied it around my head.

  “Hmm,” Donut said, examining the bandana. “We’re gonna have to work on this vibe. You look like a cross between someone wearing a racist Halloween costume and an old du
de desperately trying to be a rock star even though he’s too old and is really just a bass player. It’s not working for me. Maybe once you get that new jacket on, though I suppose you’ll have to attach that awful patch first.”

  “I remember Drakea,” Mordecai said, leaning in to adjust my bandana with a talon. “He was a pretty famous crawler. He had a similar class to your own, though more magic-based. He was partly responsible for what happened to the nagas.”

  Drakea had more comments in the cookbook than anybody else. He commented on everything. He never really talked about himself, but he filled pages and pages with borderline-insane ranting against the nagas. He built elaborate traps using magical items and triggers I probably wouldn’t ever be able to utilize.

  “What happened that season?”

  Mordecai looked pointedly up in the air. Apparently this was a taboo subject. He seemed hesitant to answer, but I persisted as tactfully as I could. This was my first opportunity to learn the fate of one of my brothers, and I found myself overwhelmed with the need to know as much as possible.

  “What sort of creature was he?”

  “He was a bune,” Mordecai said. “They are a slight, dragon-like people. Naturally peaceful, but they can be some of the most clever fighters. That was his real race. I’ve seen a few crawlers this season who’ve picked it. Good rogues and magic casters, but they have low constitution. They grow wings and get a dexterity bonus when they hit level 50. If crocodilians are the barbarians of the lizard world, think of the bune as the elves.”

  “Did he make it out?”

  Mordecai sighed. “He died on the eleventh floor. Or was it the twelfth? I don’t remember. He’d gotten a pretty good offer, and he spit in their faces. He was a big trap guy. He had some elaborate setup, and it backfired.” Mordecai paused, again glancing at the ceiling uncertainly. “It unnaturally backfired. Lawyers got involved. The Syndicate, acting on his behalf, collected a pretty big sum from the Sultanate, who’d already been kicked in the teeth a dozen times over that season.”

  I felt an odd surge of elation and outrage. They’d gotten him by cheating, but he had the last laugh. He’d help bankrupt the nagas.