What the Hell

by Hunter Blain

  “Yup,” Hayley answered with pride.

  A few moments later, the pair walked out with Locke holding something in his hand. He sat on the couch between Depweg and myself, forcing us to both move over to make room. My drunken mind reeled at what old, dried juices I was sliding over.

  Locke moved his hand down to his phone screen, which he had apparently taken off at some point, and pushed some buttons that brought up a map of Houston. He held his fist above the screen that was the size of the table and slowly opened his fingers. A mist began drifting downward, looking like some sort of funnel, before a tendril touched a spot I recognized.

  “Son of a bitch!” I cried out as I plopped back against the couch cushions.

  “What?” Magni asked, hitting pause on his console and leaning forward to look at the screen.

  “I thought you guys had burned that house down?” I asked Depweg and Joey while rubbing my eyes.

  “We did!” Joey countered, unbelieving of the location of Ulric’s hideout.

  “Why would he return to the same spot?” Depweg asked.

  “If you did burn it down—”

  “Which we did,” Joey interjected.

  “—then it would make sense that it would be at the bottom of the list of places for us to, you know, check. It might even have some sort of, like, rebuilding spell or some other magic shit I don’t know about.”

  “That doesn’t limit things,” Hayley said as she stood by Ludvig and let her eyes roam from head to toe. “Heya, handsome.”

  “Hmm? Oh, um, hi,” Ludvig answered, turning into mush as his pale face turned a slight red. I hadn’t noticed, or hadn’t cared, but I think he had been staring at me.

  His pale face also reminded me that my friends had adjusted their sleeping schedules around mine and rarely got to see the sun.

  “Hey, guys,” I called out to the room as I leaned forward on the couch and began rubbing my hands together nervously. “I just wanted to say that I appreciate everyone here. We’ve all been through a lot together, and I honestly don’t think I’d be here if anyone in this room hadn’t been with me during our battles. Except you, Hayley.”

  To her credit, she did a little hand-waving curtsy before returning to stand as physically close to Ludvig as possible. Damn, they were cute. Now I’d have to find a werewoman for Depweg.

  Everyone was still looking at me and I realized I had trailed off in my thoughts again.

  “Are, ah, you drunk?” Locke asked.

  “I had a couple drinky-poos to relax my nerves a bit. What’s it to ya?”

  “It’s fine, buddy. Continue with what you want to say,” Depweg encouraged, having my back as always.

  “Right, um, you guys have all sacrificed a lot to be by my side, and it hasn’t gone umnoticed . . . un . . . unnoticed. Once we have the mansion built, I say we have a pool party. What say you all?”

  “I mean, that’s not where we thought you were going with the speech, but I’m in,” Depweg offered, reaching past Locke’s slender frame to pat me once on the back, hard. It was a manly-man thing that manly men did to other men who were manly.

  “I think we all get what you are saying,” Locke added without looking at me. It wasn’t that the sentiment wasn’t sincere; it would just not have been so manly to make eye contact sitting that close together while saying not-so-manly-man things. Plus, you know, the multiple drinks and resulting gush of emotions . . . thing.

  “I-I mean it though, guys. Everyone here is important to me, and I would risk everything if any of you were in danger. Except you, warden. I’d probably just send a postcard to Hecate or somethin’.”

  “Gee, thanks,” Hayley remarked with a wry smile. She knew I was mostly kidding. Hazing was a part of the process to be initiated into the Abattoir of Johniacs. I mean, no one else but me knew the name of our superclub, but they knew what’s up.

  Heck, if I wasn’t hazing someone, that was when you knew I didn’t like them. The harder I ragged on someone, the more I liked them. Confusing, eh? Snark was my love language.

  “How many hours until dawn?” Ludvig asked pragmatically.

  “About eight hours,” Depweg responded after glancing at his phone.

  “Hey, Lude,” I started, making up my mind about something.

  In answer, the Swede looked at me, but didn’t speak.

  “Do you want this?” I asked, bringing Mjolnir to existence in my hand. “I mean, you could probably use it for the attack, right? Makes sense if you had it.”

  There was a brief pause as the entire room looked at Mjolnir.

  “I cannot,” Ludvig responded after a few moments while breaking eye contact and looking at the ground.

  “Why not? You can just give me a wand or something in return.”

  Ludvig took in a deep breath and crossed his arms, unconsciously breaking contact with Hayley.

  “It is not for us to decide who Mjolnir chooses.”

  “Wha?” I asked, looking down at the hammer with a growing appreciation. It was covered in runes over every inch of the magical metal, though it still kind of looked more like an anchor than an actual hammer. “Val gave it to me. It didn’t choose me.”

  “Believe me, vampyr, if Mjolnir didn’t want you to wield its power, you wouldn’t.”

  “Then . . . then why are you so mad at me for having it? If I didn’t have a choice, I mean.”

  “Because,” Ludvig sighed and let his arms drop to his sides, “I hoped I might be worfy of da weapon.”

  “Ah. I can understand that, for sure,” I admitted before letting my eyes drift from the runes up to Ludvig. “Do . . . do you want to try?”

  “Try what?”

  In answer, I lifted the hammer up higher in offering.

  Ludvig’s gaze locked on the weapon of his gods and licked his lips while shifting on his feet.

  “No,” he finally said. “I-I can’t.”

  “Why not?” I asked, genuinely curious. I noticed my inebriation was slowly wearing off. Damn preter-metabolism.

  Ludvig blurted out in agitation, “Because I don’t fink I could take da rejection!”

  I thought on his words for a few moments, still holding the hammer up.

  “Well, you won’t know unless you try, right?”

  We stayed like that while the onlookers were frozen in anticipation, eyes alternating between the hammer and the Swede.

  My comment seemed to hit home, but Ludvig eventually tore his gaze off the weapon and let his face drift toward the ground in defeat.

  “It is not mine,” Ludvig said just above a whisper, as if it intensely pained him to breathe the words. For some reason, I thought about someone telling the doctors to pull the plug on a family member they loved dearly, barely able to speak the words that were the heaviest ever spoken in their entire lives.

  I held it a moment longer before deciding to release my grip, letting the hammer vanish from view. I didn’t like seeing my friend — because he was my friend — in pain.

  “Sorry, dude,” I said softly.

  “No. No, it’s okay. I actually appreciate de gesture. It’s . . . just not dat simple.”

  “If it makes you feel any better, I’ve seen him use that thing, and he’s kinda awesome with it,” Joey spoke up, surprising me.

  “Holy shit! Did Joey just say something nice? Guys! Get Papa T here, stat! We need to exorcise him! The power of Lilith compels you! The power of Lilith compels you!” I cried out while pretending to fling water his way.

  “Take the damn compliment,” Joey said under his breath as he shifted on his feet and put both hands in his pockets, shifting his gaze toward the ceiling.

  “He’s right, John. You suck at positive reinforcement,” Depweg said with a chuckle.

  “Only on the outside. Inside, I’m tickled fuchsia.”

  “You’re still doing it, buddy,” he continued, placing his palm over his eyes and shaking his head in playful disbelief.

  Forcing myself to grow, I looked at Joey and said for e
veryone to hear, “Thank you for backing me up, Joey. I appreciate the support. And,” I lifted a finger to the sky as I provided a compliment in exchange, “you have a massive schlong.”

  The room froze as Joey’s face bloomed a bright red. Depweg’s hand slowly slid off his face, and every head in the room pivoted toward me except Hayley’s, who was eyeing the five-foot-four were up and down with a look that said, “Good for you.”

  “Am . . . am I doing it wrong?” I asked sheepishly.

  The entire room — minus the blushing Joey — exploded in uproarious laughter. Depweg slammed his back into the couch as he grabbed his stomach; I don’t think I’d ever seen him laugh that hard. Locke cradled his face in his hands, and his shoulders shuddered with mirth. Ludvig smiled broadly, while Hayley covered her own stupid grin with her fist as she made a point of not looking at the train wreck that was John. I do believe she snorted once or twice.

  Between heaves of laughter, Depweg managed to ask, “Well ar-are you gon-gonna say thank you, J-Joey?”

  In response, the were with the complexion of a sunburn turned and stormed into his room.

  “Dear God, John,” Locke said, wiping his eyes with the backs of his hands, doing his best not to fall back into uncontrollable laughter.

  After Locke fell back into uncontrollable laughter, the rest of the room followed suit. Even I had to smile as the hilarity infection spread.

  Something clicked in my head, stealing my smile, as I understood we were all anxious to focus on anything but the upcoming suicide mission.

  Ludvig saw my smile fading in an instant as my expression grew still. He mirrored my action, which created a domino effect as one after another felt the situation robbing the room of borrowed happiness.

  Within a minute of my emotional about-face, the room was silent and thick with tension.

  “Hey, Joey, come ’ere,” I called.

  Joey entered the living room with a frown, feeling how heavy the air was.

  “Yeah?”

  “You and Depweg were in the house, right? Can you guys draw a map for everyone else and plan on how to clear the premises? Also, point out anywhere secure where Ulric would most likely keep important items.”

  “Like what?”

  “As in what items? Or . . .”

  “No, I mean . . . it’s a house. I don’t remember any room-sized safes or anything, man,” Joey answered as he sat on the armrest next to Depweg.

  I signaled for Magni to get up and I took my chair, allowing room for Locke and Depweg to scoot over so Joey could sit next to his alpha. Plus, I didn’t want to sit on that couch any longer than necessary. For once, I was glad I didn’t have my coat on.

  Everyone in place, Locke brought up a blueprint app that had a two-story house on it.

  “Joey and Depweg had already filled me in while you were gone,” Locke informed me before turning to Depweg. “Do you wanna catch him up on the finer details?”

  “Front door here. Back, here. Garage. Bedroom upstairs.” Depweg began pointing to areas on the blueprint for my peace of mind. Joey pitched in on places Depweg had overlooked or didn’t think were pertinent enough to mention. After about five minutes, we had a full map.

  “Magni, would you be so kind as to retrieve my tablet off my nightstand, please?” Locke asked.

  “You bet,” Magni answered as he disappeared into Locke’s room. He quickly brought out something that looked like a long, thin remote control to me.

  Locke tapped his phone to the device, and the hologram screen disappeared. He replaced the phone on his wrist and then set the tablet on the table. After the press of a button and a few swipes on a normal tablet-sized screen, a 3D hologram appeared above the table.

  “Holy shit! It’s like Star Wars up in here!”

  “Right. So anyway, Depweg, I would like you to plan how to clear the house. Ludvig, can you show us how to set up a perimeter outside should anyone try to escape or flank our position?”

  Both Depweg and Ludvig nodded, and the big Swede walked over to the impressive screen. He crossed his arms while a hand covered his mouth as he thought, his eyes flicking over the hologram with expert precision.

  “Okay. Joey, Locke, Hayley, and I will go in from the front door, which is closest to the stairs leading to the second story. Joey and I will be wearing our man-suits and armed with suppressed automatic rifles.”

  “Silver rounds?” I asked, knowing the answer.

  “As if you have to ask,” Depweg answered with a mischievous smile. “We will split up practical weaponry with magic.” He looked up at Warden Broadway and asked, “Do I need to even bother asking how proficient you are in combat?”

  Hayley’s mouth upturned in what could only be described as an evil smile.

  “I can vouch for her, firsthand,” I said, raising my hand. Hayley did a half bow by tilting her head toward me in appreciation.

  “Good. Hayley, I want you on Joey’s six while he clears the downstairs. Locke, you’re with me, same positioning. I’m banking on Ulric not hearing the weapons if he’s in a coffin. Plus, he won’t feel the attacks, unlike with magic. So you two casters keep it to a minimum, if you can, but at the same time, don’t be afraid to do what you gotta do.”

  Ludvig interjected, “I can position myself in de tree line, here, to have a full view of de front and back doors.”

  “Bring something with infrared so you can see through the upstairs windows,” I added.

  “Copy dat,” Ludvig confirmed without taking his eyes off the screen where he indicated where he would set up. “I’ll lay traps around my perimeter, so be careful if you need to come out and toward us in a hurry.”

  “Everyone hear that?” Depweg asked, looking around the room to ensure compliance. Heads nodded in agreement.

  “Magni, I want you wif me. Make sure nofing comes up from behind,” Ludvig said to his apprentice before turning to face Depweg. “What weaponry do you have?”

  “Oh man!” I exclaimed. “You haven’t taken him to see the storage unit yet?” I asked Depweg before turning to Ludvig. “You are in for a treat, my friend!”

  “I have whatever you need,” Depweg confirmed to Ludvig before addressing the group. “I want everyone armed with the intent of saving spells for last. If my assumptions are correct, Ulric will lose his vampiric abilities during the day but will probably still have his warlock power.”

  “Grand Master Warlock,” Locke added. “It’s an important distinction.”

  “Right. It’s best to be prepared for worst case scenario. Locke, how many warlocks do you think he’ll have on guard?” Depweg asked.

  “Well, that’s a tricky question. If he is to retain all his Hell-given power throughout the day — which I don’t see why he wouldn’t — then he might not need many at all.”

  “So . . .” I began, thinking aloud, “if the place is teeming with ’lock guards, then we can assume Ulric is weak? But if there are few, if any, he might still be really strong?”

  “Stands to reason,” Depweg confirmed. “We won’t take any chances, either way. If he pops up, disable him but do not kill him. Everyone understands? Shoot his knees, elbows, and even his hands, but do not go for center mass or his damn head. Copy?”

  Heads nodded.

  “No, I want to hear you all say you understand,” he commanded with complete authority.

  “Copy,” the room said. Even I whispered, “Copy,” after everyone else was done. Luckily, he didn’t focus on my needless comment. Boy, I didn’t like that I wasn’t going to the dance.

  “Hayley, Locke, if you make contact with Ulric, all bets are off with the choice of weaponry. Use what you are most comfortable with to ensure survival.”

  “Got it,” Hayley said, crossing her arms and lifting her chin. I could tell war was nothing new to her, and it made me respect the warden that much more.

  “Zap his brain like you did me,” I said while absently rubbing my forehead with the tips of my fingers.

  Hayley looked at m
e and winked once before returning to look at the 3D image.

  “I also want to point out that it is entirely possible that the layout of the house could be completely different if it was rebuilt. If that’s the case, follow the leader as each room is cleared. I’m upstairs; Joey is below.”

  My leg started jumping up and down with a mind of its own as I chewed on my thumbnail.

  “We’re gonna be fine, John. Business as usual,” Depweg tried to convey his confidence to me, but my shield of doubt was impregnable.

  “It’s a trap,” I said in my Admiral Ackbar voice.

  Everyone looked at me.

  “Sorry, just-just wanted to say that. Like in the movie.”

  “We’ll watch the new trilogy when we get back,” Depweg promised.

  “Which one? With Kylo and Rey?”

  “No. The new one with Darth Revan.”

  “Oh shit! Did Keanu Reeves get the part?”

  “You’ll have to wait and see,” Depweg said with a smile.

  “In the meantime, maybe you should watch the phase of Marvel movies that you missed, starting with The Eternals. Or maybe the Batman movie with Robert Pattinson. It was actually really good. Darker than the other ones.”

  I almost squealed in excitement before realizing what Depweg was trying to do.

  My knee stopped bobbing up and down and I let my thumbnail drop from my teeth.

  “Make it back to me, okay, guys? All of you. Even you, Hayley, but only because I can tell you are gonna fit in and be one of the boys.”

  “Gee, thanks,” she answered in return, but I could tell she was touched.

  “Ludvig, come with me to the storage and let’s grab the gear. Everyone else, make sure to eat, rest, and shit before we go. We ride just before dawn,” Depweg instructed. My knee started bobbing anxiously again while my freshly regrown thumbnail found its way back to my chattering teeth.

  Chapter 18

  Itried watching the Robert Pattinson Batman movie, but I kept having to start it over, unable to focus. My thoughts drifted like an ADHD kid at a mall during Christmas.

  “Hey,” I asked Magni, “do malls still exist?”