I’d argue, in fact, that there are many, many more than 112 ways to express your maleness or femaleness. Just as every person is unique, so is the expression of gender. The combination of a sex and a singular personality is always unique. And what is well worth leaving behind is a crude, binary sense of gender itself. Unlike sex, it really is a spectrum. And it can be crushing for gender-nonconforming kids and adults to live up to stereotypes of their gender; and it can be horribly restrictive for everyone else. There will always be social and cultural group differences in the aggregate, for sure—more men, for example, will, on average, prefer watching sports than women. But a woman who loves football is absolutely no less a woman for it.
As a kid, my otherness didn’t have a name. I knew I was a boy—but the day each week that terrorized me the most in my high school was the day I was made to play rugby. I was small, prepubescent at that point, bookish, asthmatic, and physically awkward. Being tackled by a postpubescent boy twice my size and finding my head pushed into knee-deep mud, mixed with my own blood, on a semiregular basis was not exactly my idea of a pleasant afternoon. Neither was being outside in the cold, endless rain, my hands so frozen I couldn’t actually unbutton my own rugby shirt afterward, my lungs spasming with another asthma attack.
But the fear of this organized male violence was made much worse because it seemed to impugn my maleness. There were no varying, mixed, or subtle models of masculinity in my childhood and adolescence that I could easily identify with. When in elementary school I was ingenuously asked by a girl “Are you sure you’re not a girl?” my response was an immediate no. But I knew what she was getting at. And it ate away at my self-esteem.
Similarly, at my grandparents’ one Christmas, my grandmother noticed me in a corner with a book and my younger brother, who was driving a toy truck up and down the carpet, crashing it into the walls. She said to my mother, looking at my brother, and in front of me, “Well at least you now have a real boy.” It cut deeply. I remember not pursuing English literature past the age of sixteen, even though I loved it—because studying history was somehow, in my mind, more masculine.
To deepen the self-inflicted wound, my dad was a near model of classic masculinity. He was a superb athlete who had competed for England as a middle-distance runner; he had been captain, first, of his high school rugby team and then of our town’s. He was taciturn and bloody-minded, threw his weight around in our house, fished in the North Sea, raised rabbits and chickens, and drove fast. He routinely knocked down parts of our little house whenever he felt bored to add extensions, which he rarely finished. His mates drank lots of beer, and it was clear he was much happier among them than with his own family. He even had a midlife crisis, and bought a racy car and a leather jacket. It was as if he felt the need to act out a near parody of “toxic masculinity.”
He wasn’t cruel to me, but he never came to any of the school plays I was in, or any of my debating contests. Too girly, I suppose. And of course I felt as if I had let him down. I remember with more than a little poignancy how he once gamely tried to teach me how to kick a soccer ball. And how utterly useless I was.
What he didn’t let himself experience to its fullest for a long time was another side of himself. He loved to draw and to paint. After his death a year ago, we found a letter that showed he had once been admitted to the Slade School of Fine Art in London, perhaps the finest such institution in the country, and a great honor. He never told us of this, and I don’t know why he turned down the place. Probably his need to earn money, but maybe also the price of gender conformity. But as soon as he retired, and especially after he got divorced, he started painting again—and the results were spectacular. I cannot help but wonder what kind of life he might have had, if he had had the courage of his own, nonconforming desire, what great paintings he might have produced over time.
When I came out to him, he suddenly bent down and sobbed. I was shocked and confused. My dad never cried. I asked him again and again why he was weeping, even as I was relieved he hadn’t thrown a punch. And after a while, he looked up and said something I will never forget: “I’m crying because of all you must have gone through growing up, and I never did anything to help you.” All that macho bravado dissolved instantly by a father’s love.
Later that day, my mother, with her usual blather-mouth, said she thought he was crying because he realized that I had had the nerve to risk my career and future to be who I truly was, and he had never summoned up the courage to do the same. He was, she said, crying for himself. Not that he was gay, but that he loved art. A weight of gender expectations may well have prevented him from realizing his dream.
I have thought of him a lot in the year now since his sudden, unexpected death. We couldn’t have a funeral under COVID lockdown. But when we do, we’re going to display as many of his paintings as we can.
Acknowledgments
In over three decades of writing, there is no way I can pay sufficient tribute to so many who have helped, encouraged, or supported me. But my gratitude remains to the many editors who made most of this possible: T. E. Utley and William Deedes, Mike Kinsley, Leon Wieseltier, Dorothy Wickenden, Ann Hulbert, Rick Hertzberg, Adam Moss, Gerry Marzorati, Jim Kelly, Steve Koepp, Martin Ivens, John Witherow, Sarah Baxter, James Bennet, Scott Stossel, Tina Brown, David Haskell, David Wallace-Wells, and Jebediah Reed. I am intensely privileged to have had the guidance of these brilliant, patient, demanding editors.
I’d also like to thank those who took such a risk in supporting me over the years: Marty Peretz, David Bradley, Rupert Murdoch, and the editors and publications who gave me permission to reprint these essays: The New Republic, The New York Times, New York magazine, The Sunday Times (of London), Salon, The Advocate, The Atlantic, Newsweek, and The Washington Post.
In researching this book, and going over millions of words, I owe enormous thanks to several Dish interns, colleagues, and researchers: Christopher Van Buren, Matt Sitman, Rahsaan King, Daaim Daanish, and especially Chris Bodenner, who made this happen, and kept on me till it was done. My friend Johann Hari was also a stalwart egger-on; my friend, Chris Grasso, supported me in every decade; and my husband, Aaron Tone, kept me halfway sane throughout. Dish readers—aka Dishheads—were unconscripted editors too—constantly criticizing, amending, and finessing my thoughts.
Andrew Wylie and Sarah Chalfant inspired me to go big in this collection, and my editor, Ben Loehnen, brought all of this to fruition.
All errors, misjudgments, and accountability are mine alone.
About the Author
ANDREW SULLIVAN is one of today’s most provocative social and political commentators. A former editor of The New Republic, he was the founding editor of The Daily Dish, and has been a regular writer for The New York Times Magazine, The Atlantic, Time, Newsweek, New York magazine, The Sunday Times, and now The Weekly Dish. He lives in Washington, D.C., and Provincetown, Massachusetts.
AvidReaderPress.com
SimonandSchuster.com
www.SimonandSchuster.com/Authors/Andrew-Sullivan
@avidreaderpress @avidreaderpress @avidreaderpress
ALSO BY ANDREW SULLIVAN
Intimations Pursued
Virtually Normal
Love Undetectable
The Conservative Soul
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Index
A note about the index: The pages referenced in this index refer to the page numbers in the print edition. Clicking on a page number will take you to the ebook location that corresponds to the beginning of that page in the p
rint edition. For a comprehensive list of locations of any word or phrase, use your reading system’s search function.
Abbate, Peter, 13
“Abolition of Torture, The,” 225–35
abortion, 40, 113–16, 120, 124, 126, 181–83, 191, 195, 199, 203, 246, 253, 262–63, 427, 433 Roe v. Wade and, 114, 262
Trump and, 393
Abu Ghraib, 226, 230–34, 238, 239, 254, 277, 290
ACT UP (AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power), 19, 23, 25–29, 45–47, 83–84, 91, 92, 138, 213, 462, 463
Adams, John, 500
Adderall, 464
Addicts Rehabilitation Center Choir, 20
adoption, 57, 182
Advocate, 168 “Still Here, So Sorry,” 205–7
affirmative action, 160, 198, 433, 448
Affordable Care Act (Obamacare), 328, 335, 432–33, 438
Afghanistan, 231, 233, 234, 264, 267, 277
African Americans, see blacks
After Virtue (MacIntyre), 354
Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud, 245–47
AIDS, xvii, xviii, 15–30, 39, 44, 47, 50, 75–95, 169, 209, 211–14, 216, 217, 221, 279–81, 317, 318, 452, 457, 502–4 ACT UP and, see ACT UP
Christianity and, 20–21
in developing world, 190, 194
Diana and, 103, 104
gay marriage and, 3, 4, 257
HIV, see HIV
Holocaust analogy and, 81, 82
intravenous drug users and, 16, 25, 80, 82–83
Memorial Quilt, 35–37, 88, 411
minority men and, 21–25, 82–83, 222
opioid epidemic compared with, 461–63
as political problem, 81
safe sex and, 18, 19, 23, 213, 317
Treatment Action Group and, 77
treatments for, 15, 26, 26, 53, 76–78, 86, 87, 206, 213, 317, 462
AIDS Healthcare Foundation, 205
AIDS Project Los Angeles, 217
Albert, Marv, 125
“Alone Again, Naturally,” 59–73
Al Qaeda, 227, 233, 234, 247, 265, 267
America, 97–99, 233, 278, 301–3, 410, 477 blaming of, 123
Bork on, 121–23
Civil War in, 303, 424, 426–28, 455–56
Diana and, 101–4
Enlightenment principles in, 197, 446
exceptionalism of, 466
Founding Fathers of, 228, 248, 337, 382, 384, 385, 426, 428
hysterical pessimism about, 121–22
Native Americans and, 425–26, 456, 492–93, 496–97, 499
postindustrial, 456, 464
smallpox and, 491–93, 496, 499–500
tribalism in, xvii, 423–40, 465, 472
America, 356, 358, 365
“America and the Abyss,” 415–21
American Civil Liberties Union, 123
American Enterprise Institute, 433
American Mercury, 131
American Revolution, 228, 455, 499–500
American Scholar, 31
“America’s New Religions,” 473–78
“America Wasn’t Built for Humans,” 423–40
amphetamines, 460
Anatomy of Prejudices, The (Young-Bruehl), 134–35
Anchorage Daily News, 386
Anderson, Ryan, 479
Ansari, Aziz, 447
“Anti-Semite and Jew” (Sartre), 132
anti-Semitism, 81, 82, 131–34, 137, 138, 317, 359, 417 black anti-Semites, 138
Black Death and, 497
Holocaust, 81, 82, 92, 133, 136, 141, 497
apartheid, 52, 133
Apprentice, The, 387
Aquinas, Thomas, 67–68, 288, 348, 376
Argentina, 363–64, 366
Aristotle, 63, 288, 509, 510
Army Field Manual, 234
Arnold, Catharine, 501
art, 473–74
Art of the Deal, The (Trump), 386
Aryan Nations, 127
Asian Americans, 428
As Nature Made Him (Colapinto), 149
atheism, 196, 197, 301, 329, 330, 473
Atlantic, xviii, 403, 436, 449 “Goodbye to All That: Why Obama Matters,” 261–74
“Why I Blog,” 283–95
Audacity of Hope, The (Obama), 269
Aung San Suu Kyi, 423
Auspitz, Josiah Lee, 31
Baby Boomers, 262–64, 266–69, 272, 275
Bad Religion (Douthat), 329
Bagram detention facility, 233, 277
Balkans, 423
Barozzi, Father, 10
Barr, Bob, 114
Bartlett, Bruce, 309
Barton, Mark, 141
Baudelaire, Charles, 453
Bauer, Jack, 253
Bawer, Bruce, 213
bear culture, xviii, 165–70, 210, 219
Bears on Bears (Suresha), 169
Beck, Julia, 480
Beinart, Peter, 321–23, 325–26
Beirut, 423
Bell, Daniel, 314, 465
Bell Curve, The (Murray and Herrnstein), xvii, 318
Benedict, Saint, 354
Benedict XVI, Pope (Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger), 64–67, 194, 211, 246, 269, 354–56, 359–63, 367–69, 375
Bennett, Jessica, 448
Bennett, William, 122
Bensonhurst, 7–14
Berg, Nick, 238
Bergoglio, Jorge, see Francis, Pope
Bet Mishpachah, 217
Bible, 199, 248, 401 Genesis, 71, 148
Gospels, 246, 249, 329, 348, 369, 371, 377
of Jefferson, 327, 330, 331, 333
Job, 363
literal interpretation of, 329, 361
Biden, Joe, xvi, 485–89
birth control, see contraception
bisexuals, 516
Bismarck, Otto von, 192
Blair, Jayson, 287
Blair, Tony, xvi, 183, 198, 199, 342
Black, Duncan, 293
Black Death, 497–99, 502
Black Leadership Commission on AIDS, 22, 23
Black Lives Matter, 389
Black Party, 78–80, 87
Black Power, 163
blacks, 388 children, 216
civil rights for, see civil rights movement, 427, 428
family and, 23
gay, 21–24, 82–83, 222
hatred toward, from other blacks, 139
police violence toward, 441–44, 504
racism and, see racism
testosterone levels in, 156–58
voters, 427, 486
Blade, 218–19
Block, Susan, 112
blogs, blogging, 318, 400, 401 of Sullivan, xviii, 283–95, 384, 405, 432; see also Dish, The
Blow, Charles, 487
Blum, Deborah, 148
Boccaccio, Giovanni, 498
Bonauto, Mary, 221
Bond, Julian, 272
Booth, Alan, 151
Booth, Martin, 455
Bork, Robert, 121–23, 263, 427
Bosnia, 275
Boston College, 217
Bouie, Jamelle, 485
Boy Meets Boy, 167
Bradley, F. H., 31
brain, Default Mode Network in, 470, 471
Brewer, William, 454, 466–67
Britain, see Great Britain
Broad Channel, Labor Day parade in, 130–31
Brokeback Mountain, 241–43
Brookhiser, Richard, 175–77
Brooks, David, 117, 309
Brown v. Board of Education, 171, 173
Broyles, Gregory, 22–24
Bruce, Lenny, 455
Bryant, Anita, 212
bubonic plague, 498, 505 Black Death, 497–99, 502
Buchanan, Patrick, 42, 44, 48, 134, 138
Buddha, Buddhism, 358, 403, 411, 471, 472, 473
buprenorphine, 462
Bureau of Justice Statistics, 443
Burke, Edmund, xvii, 4, 196, 217
Burning Man, 412, 470
Bush, George H. W., xvi, 37, 110, 190, 198, 279, 309
Bush, George W., xvi, 173, 189–94, 196, 198, 199, 202, 242, 254, 263–65, 269, 270, 274, 277, 281, 297, 303, 309, 315, 336, 383, 432–34 abortion and, 183
conservatism and, 254
faith of, 246–47
Iraq War and, 246, 275, 277–78
9/11 and, 264
torture and, xviii, 225, 229, 231, 234, 277, 336, 433
Bush, Jeb, 384
Bush v. Gore, 336
Butenandt, Adolf, 148
Byrd, James, Jr., 127, 130
Byron, George Gordon, Lord, 453
Cain, Herman, 383
Cameron, David, xvi
campus culture, 445–49, 487
Camus, Albert, 36, 86
Canady, Charles T., 114
cannabis, marijuana, 413, 433, 454, 460, 463, 466–67
capitalism, 347–51, 356, 376–78, 388, 406, 410, 464, 465, 474
capital punishment, executions, 120, 156, 228–29
Capote, 241
Card, Andy, 193
Carr, Nicholas, 406
Carson, Ben, 383
Carter, Jimmy, 190, 254
Carville, James, 393
Casey, Robert, Jr., 183
Castile, Philando, 442
Castro, Fidel, 41
Catalans, 423
Cathedral of Hope, 217
Catholic Church, Catholics, 194, 199, 248, 250, 330, 429, 488–89 author’s faith, xvii, 59–62, 67, 71–73, 187, 247, 318, 439
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