Centering Kaos: Military MC, Single Mom Slow Burn Romance (Dead Presidents MC Book 10)

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Centering Kaos: Military MC, Single Mom Slow Burn Romance (Dead Presidents MC Book 10) Page 17

by Harley Stone


  Her breath hitched.

  “I know you feel something for me, too. I’m not sorry for what we did last night, but I want you to be happy. If going back to your sister’s is what you need right now, let me help you pack and drive you. I need to know you and Dylan are safe.”

  This time, she couldn’t blink fast enough to keep a tear from sliding down her cheek. She hurriedly brushed it away and nodded. “Thank you.”

  “Of course. Whatever you need.” I stood and went to wake up Dylan.

  “I don’t want to go back to Aunt El’s,” Dylan said, glaring at the open back door of my Escalade. His gaze shot to me, and hurt flooded his big hazel eyes. “Do you want us to leave, Kaos?”

  There was no good way to answer. If I said no, that growing chip on his shoulder would be directed at his mom. But if I said yes, I’d crush him. This was so fucking hard. I swallowed back the lump forming in my throat and looked to Tina. Tears stood in her eyes, but determination kept them from falling.

  “We’ll discuss this later, Dylan. Get in the car,” she said.

  Giving me one last look, he announced, “This is stupid.”

  I agreed, but didn’t say as much as he climbed in, strapped in, and immediately put his headphones on. Apparently, we were on ignore. Couldn’t say I blamed the kid. With their suitcases loaded in the back, I opened Tina’s door for her before rounding the SUV and getting behind the wheel. Adjusting my rearview mirror, I caught sight of Dylan staring straight ahead, headphones on, arms folded. Nothing about this had been my decision, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was seriously letting him down.

  If only I’d kept my dick in my pants.

  Still, I didn’t regret having sex with Tina. I couldn’t. Not when I was desperately hoping for the chance to do it again. To do it every goddamn day for the rest of my life.

  As we pulled out of the garage and headed down the street, she stared out the passenger side window like she couldn’t bear to look at me. I didn’t want to push her to talk, but the silence was suffocating. This felt like a game I’d played before. My team was down by a point with five seconds left on the clock.

  Defeat was expected, which meant I had nothing to lose.

  Time for a face-off.

  “Thank you for telling me about your mom,” I said.

  That got Tina’s attention. She turned to face me, her expression guarded. “You’re welcome.”

  Silence stretched between us again. I wanted to say something, but I’d already taken a shot and needed to know I wasn’t in this game alone. She was watching me. As I focused on the road, I could feel her gaze on the side of my face.

  “I’m sorry about last night,” she finally said, keeping her voice low. “I shouldn’t have come upstairs.”

  I was doing my best to be understanding, but there was no way in hell I’d let her treat last night like a mistake. “Bullshit,” I said.

  She blinked, obviously confused by my outburst, but not dissuaded. “I drank a little too much, but I shouldn’t have—”

  “Bullshit,” I repeated. “You can tell yourself it was the wine if that makes you feel better, but when you’re talkin’ to me, I’m gonna need you to be a little more honest. We’ve been racing toward that cliff since the day we met. Alcohol was just the vehicle we chose to drive us over the edge.”

  Clamping her mouth shut, she continued to stare at me.

  “You wanted that to happen just as much as I did.” I smacked my steering wheel for emphasis. “Needed it. And goddammit, it felt amazing.”

  Just thinking about last night was making things uncomfortable in my sweats. I adjusted. Her gaze shot to my crotch, and I gave myself a few strokes for good measure before smiling at her. “What’s wrong, angel? Ready for some more?”

  She startled and looked away. “Haven’t you been listening to me?”

  “Heard every word, but all your explainin’ hasn’t changed a thing about what I feel for you. If anything, knowing what you’ve overcome has only made me love you more.”

  “You barely know me,” she snapped. Her head whipped to the backseat. “And keep your voice down. Dylan doesn’t need to hear this.”

  “Yeah. Far be it for him to hear someone actually respecting his mom and treating her like she matters. You want to know what I think?” Without giving her time to respond, I continued, “I think you feel how strong and powerful this thing between us is, and it scares you. You have no idea what to do with a man who isn’t trying to control you and manipulate your emotions, so you’re pushing me away.”

  “I’m… I’m not even divorced yet.”

  “Another excuse.”

  Her eyes widened. “A very valid one.”

  I chuckled, but there was absolutely nothing funny about how I felt. “Bull. Shit. How much more are you gonna give that asshole?”

  Confusion wrinkled her forehead. “This isn’t about Matt. It’s about me. I told you what my mom was like.”

  “You gave him nine years and a child. He’s a sociopath… the kind of person who does fine as long as you play by his rules. The minute you stepped out of line and started thinking and doing for yourself, he snapped. He’d do whatever it took to get you back in line. And you let him—for nine years—and now that you’ve got a chance at happiness, you’re allowing him to keep you down once again.”

  “My mom—”

  “Isn’t you!” I snapped. “You know, I’m having a hard time understanding why what your mom did was so wrong. So, she had a healthy sexual appetite. It takes two to tango, and if she was bumpin’ uglies with married men… that’s a choice those men made. But none of that matters, because you’re nothing like her. You’re an excellent mom and an incredible woman. You deserve to be happy. You laughed last night—really laughed—because you were with me, and I make you happy. You can lie to yourself all you want, but this thing between us… it’s the real deal.”

  She chewed on her bottom lip for a minute, before glancing over her shoulder once again. “But Dylan… this will be confusing for him.”

  “Maybe for a minute.” I shrugged. “But he’s a smart kid. He knows what’s up, and it’ll be good for him to see you happy with a man who treats you right.”

  “I… I don’t want to get stuck again. I have things I want to accomplish. Dreams I want to chase.”

  “Good. I want you to do whatever makes you happy.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “People aren’t that self-sacrificing.”

  “You are!” I said, exasperated. “My parents are. Hell, even my shithead brothers would put aside their wants to make their wives and kids happy. Tina, I get that the only relationship you’ve ever been in has been with a narcissistic asshole who believes the world rotates around him, but most people are not like that. When you really love someone, their happiness is your happiness. I know you know this. I’ve seen the way you light up like a goddamn Christmas tree whenever Dylan’s happy.”

  “It’s too soon for me to start a relationship,” she insisted.

  “Who the fuck says?” I fired back. “What happens between me and you is our business. Nobody has the right to judge it, and I doubt that anyone even cares. You’re not in Pomeroy anymore, angel.”

  “But your family—”

  “Would be lucky to have you and Dylan be a part of it.”

  Her expression softened and she looked away.

  “I’m not…” I huffed out a breath as I turned onto the street that would take us to Elenore’s apartment. There was still so much to say, and I was running out of time. “I’m not tryin’ to pressure you into anything. You know how I feel and what I want. I suspect that you feel and want the same things, but you need some time to sort things out. I get that. Take all the time you need. I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

  Something about my tone must have given me away, because Tina’s gaze crashed into mine. “What do you mean?” she asked.

  “I packed a bag. I’ll be camping out in Elenore’s garage to make sure that motherfucker doe
sn’t show his face.”

  I could tell the moment my words sunk in, because relief smoothed out the lines on her forehead and relaxed her jaw. “You don’t have to do that,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

  “I know, but I want to. You and Dylan are important to me. It’s worth a little discomfort to make sure you guys are okay.” I pulled into the parking garage and slid into the spot Tina’s car occupied before Tap drove it to the fire station. “Now, come on. Let’s get you guys inside.”

  16

  Tina

  FOR THE FIRST time in my life, I was getting exactly what I asked for, and I absolutely hated it.

  Arms loaded with our suitcases, Kaos led me and Dylan out of the parking garage, down the narrow walkway, and into Elenore’s building. Since I had a key, we didn’t have to call up to be let in. Unlocking the entry door, I turned to face Kaos.

  “We can take it from here,” I said, reaching for my bags. He’d already done so much, and this bizarre feeling of helplessness had suddenly grabbed ahold of me and wouldn’t let go. I felt like I should do… something, but I had no idea what. Leaving him like this felt wrong, but I needed to sort myself out, and I didn’t trust myself to do that while under the influence of his sweet words and incredible body.

  “No. I’ll see you all the way to the condo.” He clutched the suitcase handle. “I need to make sure it’s safe.”

  He’d accused me of having no idea what to do with a man who wasn’t trying to control me and manipulate my feelings, and he was probably right. Maybe it was foolish to push him away, but I needed to assure myself that it was still an option. That he hadn’t somehow trapped me and was planning to suffocate me for my own good like Matt always claimed to do.

  Only I’d never felt remotely suffocated around Kaos.

  My mind kept spinning in circles, making me feel indecisive and borderline certifiable. I’d made my decision and there’d be time to pick it apart later. For now, I needed to focus on putting one foot in front of the other, so I didn’t do something stupid like beg him to take me back.

  Or maybe leaving him was stupid.

  No. I’d fallen too hard, too fast, and I needed to make sure I could still walk away when he showed his true colors.

  Dylan hadn’t said a word since before we’d left Kaos’s house. Face pinched in a scowl, he walked past us both and headed for the elevator. I was grateful he didn’t act up in front of Kaos, but feared my reprieve would end the instant our escort left.

  Head dropped in defeat, I followed my son, and Kaos fell into step behind me. To an outsider, it probably looked like we were marching to our execution rather than heading to my sister’s. Nobody said a word during the elevator ride. The somber silence stretched all the way to my sister’s unit. Finally, I unlocked the door and reached for my luggage. Releasing the bags where he stood, Kaos dropped to his knees, grabbing Dylan by the shoulders to get his undivided attention.

  “You asked me if I wanted you to leave,” he said, his voice raspy and full of emotion. “No. I don’t want either of you to leave.” His gaze strayed to me for a moment before returning to Dylan. “But sometimes adults have to figure shit out. We’re not perfect, and it can be difficult to trust after we’ve been hurt. Your mom and I… we’re doin’ the best we can. I don’t want you givin’ her any shit about it. You hear me?”

  Dylan’s gaze cut to me before he nodded.

  “She and I have stuff to figure out, but that’s got nuthin’ to do with you. No matter what, I’ll be here for you. Whatever you need.” Again, Kaos’s gaze met mine. “Both of you. All you have to do is call.”

  My heart squeezed, and I wondered for the hundredth time if I was doing the right thing. Then again, this move didn’t have to be permanent. Maybe some time away would help me get my head on straight so I could figure out what I wanted. From Kaos and from myself. Maybe once the divorce was final, I wouldn’t feel like such a whore every time I looked at him.

  Dylan’s eyes flooded with tears, but he blinked them away. “But I’ll miss you, Kaos.”

  A sad smile played on the man’s lips. “I’ll miss you, too, Mayhem.”

  That put a genuine smile on my sweet boy’s face.

  “But I’ll be around,” Kaos assured him. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

  “Will you still coach me?” Dylan asked.

  Kaos looked to me, and I gave him a slight nod. There was no way I’d keep Dylan from him. Ever. Positive male role models were in short supply, and if Kaos wanted to step up, I would welcome the help.

  “Absolutely,” he replied, mussing Dylan’s hair. “I wouldn’t miss the opportunity to work with you for all the cereal in America. Now, why don’t you head inside and let me say goodbye to your mom.”

  Dylan hugged him.

  The sight of that big, sweet, hunk of a man hugging my sad, confused boy tugged at every one of my heartstrings. The backs of my eyes stung, and I had to avert my gaze so I didn’t cave. When the two of them pulled apart, Dylan’s cheeks were wet. He swiped at the moisture, promised to see Kaos later, frowned at me, and headed inside.

  But at least he hadn’t thrown a fit.

  Kaos stood and faced me.

  “Thank you,” I said, taking the handle of my suitcase from him. “For everything.”

  He shook his head, closing the distance between us until we were almost touching. “You don’t have to thank me. I wasn’t bullshittin’ you when I told you this was the best week of my life. I enjoyed every minute of it.” A frown turned down his lips. “Well, until you said you wanted to leave. That sucked ass.”

  I could feel his body heat, and smell mint on his breath. I wanted nothing more than to lean against him and let his strong, powerful arms protect me from the world.

  But I needed to do this for me. Needed to make sure I could walk away, that I hadn’t somehow managed to trap myself with another man. I stepped back, reaching for the door.

  I half expected him to stop me, but he didn’t.

  “I’ll be close if you need me,” he said, simply.

  “Thanks again.” The words sounded so lame and insignificant, but they were all I had to offer.

  He let me go. I walked right past him and into the condo, closing the door behind me.

  When I looked through the peep hole, Kaos stood in the hallway, exactly where I’d left him. He gave the door a longing look that threatened to squeeze the life out of my heart. Then he dropped his head and ambled back toward the elevator.

  I stood there, staring, both relieved and disappointed to see him leave. He’d made it clear he wanted us to be together, but he didn’t guilt or beg me to come back. There were no threats, no name-calling, no violence.

  He just… left.

  And the sight of his retreating back made me realize how badly I’d effed this all up. He was a good guy, so he was giving me the space I’d asked for, but that wasn’t what I needed.

  I needed him.

  Before Kaos came into my life, I was healing. But he’d empowered me to heal faster, better. He’d given me the strength to put my foot down and say no. And then he’d respected my decision.

  And I’d been willing to give it all up for some screwed up sense of propriety.

  Thankfully, Kaos had godlike patience and was willing to wait for me to see the truth for myself. We were meant to be together. I liked who I was when I was with him. I liked who he was.

  No, I loved him.

  The realization felt like it broke some kind of chain deep inside me that had kept me tethered to the little girl who hated the way people laughed and pointed at her. I no longer cared what anyone thought about the fact my divorce wasn’t even final yet. I had a chance to finally be happy—for my son to finally be happy—and I was taking it.

  Dylan was nowhere in sight. I searched until I found him back in his old room, sitting on the bed with his back to the door. Circling around to join him, I sat and draped my arm over his shoulders. I half expected him to pull aw
ay, but he did the opposite, leaning against me as he wiped tears from his face. Tears that were my fault because I’d been too stupid to see what was right in front of me.

  “I love you, baby,” I said.

  “I love you, too, Mom.” His voice hitched, and it felt a lot like sandpaper running over my heart.

  “I’ve loved you from the moment I found out you were growing in my belly. I didn’t have a very good mom, and I wanted to be the best mom ever for you. I made all these promises to always do the right thing to keep you safe and happy. But I’m not perfect, and sometimes, I don’t know what the right thing is. I used to think staying with your dad was the right thing, but it wasn’t, was it.”

  “My dad is not a good man.”

  This was the first time he’d ever said anything negative about his father. The words hung in the air like poisonous gases. I wanted to swat them away, but I needed to know how deadly they were first. “Why do you say that?” I asked.

  He looked up at me, his hazel eyes so honest and open. “You didn’t fall down the stairs, Mom.”

  The foundation of who I was as a mother and protector cracked. “Who told you?”

  “Nobody. I’m not stupid.”

  I was floored. All this time, I’d been trying to protect him from the truth, and he already knew it. He’d hinted to that knowledge at Kaos’s, but now… now I knew for sure. I’d sacrificed so my boy could be happy, but he knew what was up all along. I’d been so… so stupid.

  “How would you feel about me… dating Kaos?” I asked, wincing at the way that sounded. But I didn’t know how else to put it. Dylan had proven how observant he could be, and this decision would affect him as much as it did me. If I was going back to Kaos—if we were truly going to make this work—I needed my son’s blessing.

  Dylan seemed to mull it over for a few minutes before asking, “Like you’d be his girlfriend?”

  The title seemed too juvenile for what I wanted to share with Kaos, but I nodded. “Yes.”

  “Would he be my dad?”

 

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