The Art of Pretending

by Raquel De Leon

  Mary didn’t say anything at first. “I can’t believe Nira would take advantage of you like that.”

  Ashley snapped her head up. She leaned forward and tried not to glare. “Nira isn’t taking advantage of me! It just sort of happened because of, well,” she trailed off.

  “Well?” Mary raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms.

  “It’s just really easy to be affectionate with her, okay?” Ashley mirrored Mary’s crossed arms and stuck her chin out. “I could have said no at any time.”

  Again, Mary studied her. “So you didn’t tell her that you’ve had a crush on her for years before agreeing to this?”

  Ashley’s face felt like it was on fire. “No! It was just, it was so—no!”

  Mary pinched the bridge of her nose. “Con paciencia y calma se sube un burro a una palma,” she muttered under her breath.

  Though she’d heard the saying from Mary before, Ashley wasn’t sure if it was directed at her, or if Mary was reminding herself. “¿Qué quieres decir?

  Instead of verbally responding, Mary only shook her head. “Deb!” she called out after a moment. “Please come talk some sense into this girl!” She made the sign of the cross and mumbled, “and God grant me patience.”

  Deb arrived promptly, and then Ashley was left recounting the situation from the beginning. When she was finished, Deb stared at her.

  “Ashley, I love you, but you’re an idiot. Talk to her. Don’t lesbians like to talk?” Deb shook her head and flipped a rag onto her shoulder. “I need to finish wiping down tables. Good luck, Mary.”

  Mary sighed once Deb left. Her expression softened after a few beats. “Why haven’t you told her how you’re feeling?”

  Ashley shrugged. The toes of her shoes were a little scuffed. She’d have to replace them soon, especially if she was to be promoted. “I’m scared, I guess.” She sucked on her lower lip. “If I don’t say anything, we can still be friends. If I say something, it puts her in an awkward position. She’s still not over what happened with Regan, and maybe it is best that she moves back to be with her family.”

  “Now I wish we hadn’t found people to cover your shifts for that trip.” Mary’s brow furrowed. “All I can say is, if you’re sure your heart will be broken either way, why not take the chance?”

  Ashley smiled wanly and remained silent. She wouldn’t be that selfish, not when Nira just needed a friend. She gently cleared her throat. “I should get back to work. Thanks for listening to me, and I’m sorry to be so frustrating.”

  “That’s what family is for.” Mary stood and opened her arms. Ashley allowed herself the hug but kept it short. She did need to finish lunch prep, and she certainly didn’t need to cry at work.

  ***

  The days leading up to spring break were a difficult time for Nira. In order to ensure the time off for the week itself, Ashley had decided to take extra shifts at Melby’s.

  Ordinarily, that shouldn’t have been an issue. Nira, herself, was busy trying to make sure her lessons were memorable enough that she wouldn’t need to completely re-teach everything at the end of the month.

  The kids were always so excited for spring break. Nira was usually excited, too.

  Except for one small issue. Well, two. Firstly, Regan and Erin had also agreed to go on the trip. After Nira had said yes, she’d been certain Regan wouldn’t attend.

  Regan wasn’t finished surprising her.

  Secondly (and perhaps more importantly if her preoccupation with it was anything to go by), Nira had come to realize she really, really wanted to kiss Ashley.

  She’d found herself replaying the cheek kisses in her mind over and over. If Terri hadn’t chosen that precise moment to open the door, Nira would already know what it was like to kiss Ashley.

  This was a problem. Or problems. She couldn’t decide if not knowing what it felt like, the fact that she wanted it so badly, that she knew she absolutely would have kissed Ashley that night, and/or if all those things combined were an issue.

  Everything was further complicated by the fact that she had no one to talk to about it. Her friends all thought she was already dating Ashley, and she certainly couldn’t talk to Ashley about it. She was so confused, and Ashley was already doing so much for her…

  Acting and trick angles. That’s all Ashley had said it was. That hadn’t stopped any of Nira’s minor meltdowns about how soft Ashley’s lips were.

  She knew Ashley was good at handling people. She practically oozed charisma. Nira had seen her turn the angriest, rudest customers into smiling, complimentary puddles of goo.

  Her brain told her she was rebounding in the worst way and that Ashley was just being a great friend. The rest of her was adamant there was nothing wrong with the way she was feeling, and that even Ashley wasn’t that good of an actor.

  Either way, her confusion was beginning to impact her ability to concentrate. She was behind on grading, and she’d completely forgotten to make copies of a printout the day before. Nira had a difficult decision to make.

  She imagined sweat beading on her forehead as she initiated a call. It rang several times before being answered.

  “Hey, Nira, what’s up?”

  “Terri, hey? Do you have time to talk?” Nira worried her lower lip as she waited.

  Terri said something that was muffled, so Nira assumed she had pulled the phone away while she spoke to someone else. After another stretch of silence, Terri spoke again. “I do now. Hit me.”

  “I can’t stop thinking about Ashley. Specifically, Ashley kissing me. We’re friends. I shouldn’t be thinking about Ashley kissing me.” Nira didn’t realize she was clutching her phone with both hands until it creaked a warning. She took a breath and relaxed her grip.

  When Terri didn’t respond, she began pacing.

  “Uh, first of all, friends don’t normally kiss like I saw her kiss you, so jot that down.”

  Nira stopped and waved at the air impatiently, not caring that Terri couldn’t see it. “That was—okay, so I told Ashley a while ago that I liked you all assuming we were seeing one another, so she agreed to play along. That’s all that was. She only kissed my cheek.” She paused. “Mostly.”

  “So you’ve been faking it?” Terri softly asked.

  Nira’s pacing resumed at a quicker pace. “Not exactly, no. I’ve been in a… vulnerable state. Ashley is very affectionate. You all jumped to conclusions, and it felt good so I guess I didn’t want it to stop.”

  Terri clicked her tongue. “It felt good being deceptive?”

  A flash of anger hit Nira. Hard. “You mean like how all of you knew Regan was cheating months before we separated and didn’t say a single fucking word? No, that wasn’t what felt good.” Anger deserting her, she sighed. Terri didn’t respond. She flopped down on the couch, raised her knees up to her chest, and wrapped her arms around them. “Being comforted felt good. Not feeling like a pathetic charity case around you felt good. None of you treated me the same after the split.”

  She worried that she’d gone too far. They hadn’t directly talked about what happened, and they’d just been figuring out how to be friends again.

  The pregnant pause was disrupted by the faint sound of a sniffle. Nira blinked away her surprise. Amy and Leisha tended to be the more publicly emotional of the three.

  “I’m so sorry we made you feel that way. We all felt horrible about everything. We didn’t know as long as you think we did, but we did suspect. We wanted Regan to tell you, but she thought you not knowing would hurt less. It wasn’t that we love Regan more. You’re our family, too.”

  Nira rubbed her cheeks; she wasn’t sure when the first tears had slipped free, or what she was feeling. She closed her eyes and tried to hide her own sniffle. Relief. She took a shaky breath. “Thank you for saying that. I wasn’t sure what to think. I’ve even been considering moving back to Pennsylvania.”

  “Ultimately, you need to do what’s best for you, but we’d absolutely miss you. So would the kids at your sc
hool.” Terri grunted. “No, you know what? Please, please don’t move because we’re idiots. We love you so much.”

  Nira hugged herself and twisted so her head was resting on the arm of the couch. “I love you all, too.”

  A quiet, happy silence ensued as Nira absorbed the importance of their conversation. A small piece of her that had felt displaced was right again.

  “About Ashley? I think our trip is an opportunity, and you should go for it. There’s a reason we all thought you were a couple. If the kissing was the only thing she played up for us, she definitely feels something, too. Think about it.”

  ***

  Three days before the scheduled trip, Ashley was informed they’d be headed out to Lake Travis for four nights and three days. Terri had rented out some cabins, so Ashley wouldn’t have to worry about privacy or creature comforts.

  She hadn’t allowed herself time alone with Nira since the kiss. Sharing a cabin with Nira was what worried her the most, but she couldn’t say that. It was Trouble.

  “Hey,” Nira said as they walked toward Amy’s SUV. “Are you sure you’re okay? You know you don’t have to come, right? You’ve been working so much. You must be tired.”

  And leave Nira alone, facing Erin and Regan? Like she’d ever do that. “I know I don’t have to come. I’m not that tired.” She stifled a yawn and let herself look at Nira fully—for the first time in what felt like weeks. Nira was in a baggy black hoodie and grey sweats, her hair up in a messy bun. She smiled at Ashley.

  Ashley forgot what she was going to say. A gust of hard wind caught them by surprise, nearly making Nira lose her footing.

  “Careful,” Ashley said as she steadied Nira with a hand.

  Nira tilted her head up, a shy smile on her face. “Thanks.” Their eyes met and Nira licked her lips. “Um, there’s been something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about.”

  Ashley noticed the way she clutched the strap of her gym bag with both hands, and the way she was awkwardly shifting her weight from foot to foot. She was nervous. Ashley didn’t like that. “Maybe we should talk about it later?”

  She bobbed her head forward, and Nira seemed to finally notice Amy standing ahead of them, leaning against her SUV with a grin on her face. The trunk was open, and it seemed she’d been watching them for a little while.

  “Right.” Nira glared at Amy, who threw her hands up and climbed back into the driver’s seat. Nira turned back to Amy, a small frown on her face. “Can we just…?”

  Though Ashley knew she shouldn’t, she took Nira’s hand. “Don’t worry. We’ll talk.”

  The frown slowly morphed into a small, content smile. Nira’s eyelashes fluttered down. “Okay.”

  Fuck. Ashley knew it was Trouble. She did.

  But would it really hurt just to indulge herself a little while longer? Nira liked how affectionate she was. Maybe for four nights and three days, Ashley could pretend a little bit with herself, too. She held Nira’s hand until they reached the trunk, where they loaded their bags in. After closing it, she strode around to open the passenger door.

  “Oh, it’s just us?” Ashley asked when she found Leisha sitting alone in the second row. Terri was up front with Amy.

  Erin and Regan were absent.

  Unsure where to sit but knowing she had a role to play, Ashley decided to follow Nira’s lead. Nira made a beeline for the bench seat in the back.

  Amy twisted as they climbed in and sat down. “Terri might have casually suggested that they ride separately.”

  Though Ashley’s opinion of the trio had risen over time, she felt a burst of joy at the revelation. She found herself grinning as she buckled herself in.

  “Casually suggested, my ass,” Leisha corrected. “She straight-up told Regan she better be coming on this trip for the right reasons, and then told her to drive herself.”

  “Terri.” Nira pressed a hand to her chest. “Thank you.”

  Terri cleared her throat but continued facing forward. “Come on, it’s only getting later. I had a full day at work, and I want to get there before midnight.”

  “Here, here,” Ashley agreed.

  The interior lights dimmed as Amy started the car. Ashley’s heart leapt in her chest when Nira found her hand in the dark.

  “Hey,” Nira whispered, “I’m glad you decided to come. I’ve missed you.”

  Ashley inhaled sharply. She held the breath in, and then slowly released it. “I’ve missed you, too.”

  Nira squeezed her hand.

  The moment was interrupted when Amy turned the radio on. She adjusted the volume until it was a pleasant background noise. “So, how has everyone’s week been?”

  Ashley contributed a little to the conversation but, after a while, it became difficult to keep her eyes open. One minute she was listening to Leisha pick apart an essay she’d been given, and the next the interior lights were on and Nira was stroking the side of her face.

  “Hey.” Nira’s thumb trailed over her cheekbone, then was gone. “We’re here.”

  “Oh. Okay.” Groggy, Ashley kept her eyes down to hide her embarrassment. Had she drooled on Nira’s shoulder? She hoped not.

  Blearily, she got out and collected her bag. She didn’t try to comprehend Terri’s instructions, trusting that Nira was alert enough for them both. A few minutes later, they were inside a rough-hewn cabin decorated in a surprisingly modern theme.

  Sleek furniture took up most of the space of the main area, a love seat and a set of armchairs framed around a cozy looking fireplace. Past that was a kitchenette, and two doors. One was an additional exit, which meant… “One room?”

  Ashley was resigned, more than surprised. The love seat wasn’t long enough for her to stretch out on. Nira might fit if she curled up a little, but Ashley wouldn’t dream of asking her to sleep on the couch.

  “Oh, no. I’m so sorry. I don’t, I didn’t expect this.” Nira dropped her bag and strode to the lone door. She opened it, and her expression was all the confirmation Ashley needed.

  “Well, they do think we’re a couple.” Ashley shrugged. “I’ll take the couch.”

  Nira shook her head vigorously. “But that’s the thing!” She turned to Ashley and met her gaze. “I told Terri that we’re just friends.” Her cheeks flushed and she looked away. “I guess she’s still just trying to play matchmaker.”

  Ashley bit back a sigh. It was unfair that Nira was so adorable. She had to know that her denials only served as confirmation to Terri after months of innuendo. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

  “What? No.” Nira frowned and walked back over to examine the love seat. “I’ll fit better. I’ll sleep here.”

  Internally debating how big of a masochist she wanted to be, one question rose to the tip of her tongue. “What size is the bed?”

  “Queen.”

  It wasn’t as bad as a twin or as good as a king, but it would do. “Then let’s save ourselves some time fighting and just share. I want you to be comfortable tonight, too.”

  Nira looked like she wanted to argue. After a pause, she relaxed and nodded. “I know you’re already tired.”

  “Yeah.” Ashley tried to act like sleeping together wouldn’t be a big deal. It shouldn’t be. She really was so tired. It didn’t stop her from feeling awkward as she and Nira picked their bags back up and took them to the room. There was another door inside the bedroom, presumably leading to the bathroom. “You can get ready for bed first.”

  “Okay.” Nira set her bag down on the sleek dresser just opposite of the bed. She took some things out, and Ashley made a point to look busy rooting through her own bag as Nira disappeared from view.

  Within fifteen minutes, they were settled under the covers. Even in the dark, Ashley felt like she couldn’t relax.

  “I’m really sorry about this,” Nira eventually said. “It’s… weird for me, too. I haven’t shared a bed with anyone since, you know.”

  Ashley let out a heavy breath, then carefully stretched he
r arm towards Nira. Her fingertips landed on a warm, cotton-covered shoulder. She waited, then followed the path of Nira’s arm down until reaching her hand. “Don’t worry about it. Really.”

  Nira entwined their fingers. “Thank you. Again.”

  Ashley adjusted her grip, ensuring the hold wouldn’t be easily lost. “Anytime.” Above all else, she was Nira’s friend first.

  Six

  The morning felt like it came too quickly. She could vaguely recall waking up in the middle of the night to complain because Ashley had stolen most of the comforter. When she woke up the second time, she was alone and snugly tucked in.