Under a Different Sky

by Iler, Lindsey

  Her eyes drop low, but through her lashes, she gazes at me like I’ve turned her world upside down. I’ll give her all the minutes she needs to decide if this is what she wants, as long as I get a small part of her time. I’m not asking for much.

  Hannah pushes me against the wall. Her mouth captures mine, and I spin us, pinning her between the bricks and my body. She reaches between us, working me through my jeans.

  “This isn’t a good idea. I take that back. This is a bad idea, Hannah.”

  “Tell me to stop, then,” she says, pulling away from my mouth to kiss along my jaw.

  I hoist her up, grabbing the back of her thighs and working down to her ass to hold her in place. She fits perfectly in my arms.

  “I should have texted back, but I’m scared,” she says on an exhale. The warmth from her mouth hits my cheek.

  Like a rushing frenzy, we kiss, a mix of sweet and intense. I cup her face, mingling my fingers into her hair. She sighs like I’ve just eased whatever is ailing her.

  “You scare me, too, Hannah.” I loosen my hold, letting her feet drop to the floor.

  “What are we going to do?” she asks.

  “We’re going to go to class, and figure it out as we go. We can keep this quiet, but at some point, I’m going to want to tell the world you’re the reason why I’m happy again. You need to understand that.”

  Her smile spreads so damn wide, I think her happiness has the capability to wreck my entire world.

  “I’ll see you at lunch,” I say, running my fingers over her palms as I pass her to leave. “And, Hannah, you better believe I dreamt about you last night, on my bed with your legs spread.”

  I leave her with her mouth wide open.

  Dammit, it’s going to be difficult as hell to get through the first half of school with the smell of Hannah’s perfume all over me. By the time I slide into my desk for second period, I’m over this day. Someone rushes to grab the desk beside me. The metal screeches on the tiles, and I glance sideways to find a brunette checking me out, not so discreetly.

  “Can I help you?” I ask, pulling out my notebook.

  “You don’t remember me, do you?” Her voice is soft, too sweet not to remember.

  Should I remember her?

  “Care to refresh my memory,” I say.

  Kellan walks in, spots the girl, and grins as he sits in front of me. His body leans back enough to show he’s eavesdropping.

  “We hooked up a week ago.” Her head tilts like she’s confused by my lack of awareness, and I’m pretty sure I’m mirroring her exact sentiment.

  “Holy shit!” Kellan turns to look at her and then me before scowling. He faces the teacher, kicking the desk in front of him.

  So, he’s pretty pissed off.

  “You really don’t remember, do you?” The brunette stands, growls, and moves to a different spot.

  During class, I keep checking over at the girl, trying to put a face to a memory. I come back completely empty. Is she making this up? I should remember if I hooked up with someone back then.

  Back then? I act like it was a lifetime ago. No, it was a week ago, but I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. Hell, a bottle of liquor was never too far from me then.

  “I’m sorry,” I say to her as I leave class.

  Kellan walks beside me, grinning like a fucking asshole.

  “Spit it out, if you want to.” I stop at my locker and drop my shit inside. By the time I slam it, he’s laughing.

  “The night before you showed up to practice hammered, you took that girl upstairs at one of O’Connell’s parties.” Kellan shrugs. I follow him into the lunch room. He sits beside Nicole, and I plop down across from them. “You seriously don’t remember?”

  “What doesn’t he remember?” Nicole asks. Her eyes skate right over my shoulder, as Hannah sits beside me. Fuck.

  “It’s nothing,” I say, hoping to stop this conversation before it even starts.

  “Nick, here, had a little run-in with one of his escapades.” Kellan drums his fists on the table.

  “She wasn’t an escapade.” Or maybe she was, and I just don’t remember.

  “It’s all catching up to you,” Kellan says, releasing a heavy sigh. His face falls, and I nod, knowing I’ve put them through hell. Nicole grabs his hand and squeezes it.

  Seeing her comforting him over something I have zero recollection of, infuriates me. Warmth floods my ears, and I remind myself to take a deep breath.

  “I know I fucked up a lot, but if you could resist the urge to throw it in my face all the time, that would be great.”

  While she faces forward, Hannah’s hand shifts to my thigh, comforting me in secret.

  “Throw it in your face? You mean like you did for the past three months? It’s like you take two steps forward and then three back. You give yourself no chance to catch up, and it’s fucking getting old.” Kellan goes to stand, but I hold up my hand.

  “I’ll leave, but I want you to know I’m sorry for all of the hell I put you through. It hurt the whole time, and I did anything I could to ease the damn burning pain in my chest that your sister left when she died. It may not have been how I should have behaved, but it was the only thing I knew to do. It numbed that pain, even for a little while, and I’d do it all over again if I had to choose.” I stand and instantly feel Hannah’s hand slip from my body.

  Shit! I look down, knowing what I’ll see. Her head hangs low, and she cups her hands in her lap.

  Without another word, I leave the cafeteria, angry with myself. Even if everything I said is true, I can only imagine how it sounded to Hannah. I fucked up, and now, I’m on a damn bench, beating myself up. I slice my fingers through my hair, pulling at the ends, appreciating the pain it causes. The janitor checks me over a few times. I must look like a lunatic.

  I never want to hurt Hannah. That’s not the problem here. It’s how Kellan reacts to me, throwing my past indiscretions in my face.

  Mia wouldn’t be proud of that person I became.

  “All I’ve ever wanted is to be someone you can be proud of,” I say, pulling Mia onto my lap.

  “There’s nothing you could do that could make me look at you any differently than I do right now.” She combs her fingers through my hair and kisses me so softly, I almost miss her lips. “You’re incredible, undeniably so, Nick, and no matter how much longer we have together, I will leave this Earth knowing I’ve been graced with the kind of love that can stop time.”

  I bring her face to mine again and kiss her deeper. Knowing our time is borrowed, I try not to take a single second for granted.

  She clutches her stomach and backs away from me. Quicker than a blink, she’s off my lap and running to the bathroom.

  I close my eyes, hating the sounds coming from behind the door. Minutes later, she rushes out, grabs her purse, and goes back into the bathroom with a baggy full of supplies. She doesn’t go anywhere without them anymore, never knowing when her body will turn its back on her.

  As soon as she comes out, I wrap a blanket around her frail shoulders. She’s becoming skinnier as the days roll on.

  “I hate this.” She cries silent tears as she lays on my lap, clutching the blanket tight to her chest.

  “I know you do.” I brush my hands through her hair, playing with the ends, allowing her to cry the tears that need to escape her beautiful body. “So do I.”

  “Don’t beat yourself too hard,” Hannah whispers, sitting down beside me and pulling me from memories I could’ve gotten lost in.

  I dab the corner of my eye, feeling a little bit of moisture. “Why are you out here?” I keep my head down, too humiliated to glance at her yet.

  “I offered to be the one to come talk to you.” She leans against the brick wall behind us.

  “Hannah.” This hurts to sit beside her, feeling the way I am. A cord runs through my heart into Hannah’s, except it doesn’t stop there. It’s woven like delicate silk, begging to be unraveled with a single tug.

  “D
on’t apologize, because if you do, then I’ll feel worse about myself. Everything you said is true. You were in pain, and no matter what’s happening here, that doesn’t take away what you felt.”

  “What is happening here?” I ask, desperate to understand. “We can’t tell anyone. We’re lying to everyone.”

  “Something new.” She places her hand over mine. I twitch my fingers and bring a smile to her beautiful face. “Promise me you won’t be afraid to talk about her in front of me.”

  “Doesn’t it bother you?” I can’t imagine how it couldn’t. If our roles were reversed, it would drive me insane.

  “You loved her before you and I ever kissed, Nick, and you’ll love her no matter where we end up. That’s not something I can get rid of.” She pulls her hand away and leans forward.

  Her hair falls over her shoulders. I’m desperate to brush the blonde strands away, to see the curve of her neck. Like she knows my eyes are on her, she looks over her shoulder at me. Her eyes land on my lips first, then darken once they move to mine.

  In this moment, everything feels heavier. We aren’t simply two teenagers who can’t control themselves. It’s more than a physical attraction. Hannah has to chip away a piece of herself, the jealous part that holds a pinch of resentment that I loved Mia more than anything in this world, and I have to ask her to be okay with that.

  “I never understood why she loved me so much,” I admit.

  “I do,” she whispers.

  “I used to do things on purpose to drive her crazy, to start small fights. I didn’t understand how we were so perfect, never arguing. She hated it. I loved it,” I say, not realizing I’m potentially hurting Hannah with the memory.

  At some point, Hannah will ask me to release small bits of Mia, and whether or not Hannah is in my life, I know it’s something I’ll have to do. How do you know when you’re ready to do that?

  Students start filtering out into the hall, and Hannah ignores them, turning towards the window. We don’t need to say anything. The silence is enough. She stands, and I follow, keeping some distance between us.

  Frost crinkles at the corner of the window, proving winter is right around the corner. A shiver runs up Hannah’s spine, and she hugs her arms tight around herself.

  “I’d give anything to hold you right now,” I whisper.

  Her hand reaches up and wipes under her eyes. Is she crying? Fuck, what did I do?

  “It’s a lot, you know, you and me. The way we are with each other, how you make me feel, it’s like it’s always just been us.” She nods, like she’s talking herself down. “It would be a lot easier if this wasn’t so easy.” She turns, and immediately, her hands come to my chest. “I don’t want to be the girl I can feel myself turning into. With that, I’m going to walk away now, because it’s damn near impossible to keep my mind straight when you’re standing so close.”

  I reach up to touch her hands, to feel any part of her, and she lightly presses me back. Her body grazes past me, and like a snap of a finger, she’s hidden in the crowd.

  After grabbing my books from my locker, I slam the door a little too hard. As I turn to head to class, Beckett steps in front of me, blocking my way.

  “You wouldn’t happen to know where Hannah is, would you?”

  This fucking guy.

  “Nope, don’t have a clue.” I push past him, anger boiling on the edge. I feel like I could punch something or someone, if the right thing lights my fuse.

  I sit down at the table I share with Hannah, expecting her to walk through the door. The tardy bell rings, and no Hannah. The clock ticks, yelling at me to get my ass out of this damn chair to go find her. By the time I do stand, Mr. Kimball is pointing at my ass to sit back down.

  “Fuck!” I whisper-yell, grabbing my pencil and tapping it on the table through the entire lecture. My foot bounces, and my skin crawls. Did they crank the heat up in here or something? I pull on the collar of my shirt for some relief.

  So what if Beckett is looking for Hannah? It’s not a big deal. I sit on the edge of my seat until the bell rings, and then I’m gone, rushing through the hallways. Maybe she went home early. She’d seemed pretty upset during lunch. I’m on my way to the parking lot when I spot Beckett leading Hannah down one of the back hallways.

  I find them in the farthest gym where equipment is stored. She’s sitting on a tall pile of floor mats, and he leans against it, beside her. His head is close to hers. The sound of the door clicking shut startles them, and they look up to see me panting.

  “Beckett, get out. I need to talk to Hannah for a second.” I walk up to them.

  Hannah’s eyes widen, unsure of what the hell I’m doing. That makes two of us.

  “What the hell, Kovac? You may run the ice, but off, you don’t get to boss me around,” he scoffs, looking at Hannah for back up.

  “Like I said, get the fuck out.” I tug on his shirt, forcing him away from Hannah. “Now.”

  He holds up his hands. “Hannah?”

  Did he seriously ask her for permission, like I’m a threat to her? And there goes my fuse. It’s lit the fuck up like the Fourth of July, and I’m ready to kick his ass.

  Hannah jumps down, blocking me from Beckett as I step towards him. “I’m okay, Beckett. I’ll see you later.”

  “Like hell you will,” I whisper, watching him leave.

  Hannah rolls her eyes. At least she knows why I’m here. When she twirls on me, her lips are in a flat line. I can’t read a single thing on her face. Is she mad? Damn, give me something to work with, Hannah.

  “I got worried when you weren’t in class.” I kick at the stack of floor mats, knowing damn well I sound like an insecure girl.

  “When it comes to you, it’s so easy for me to get inside my own head. The physical part of us, it’s simple. I want you. You want me.” She peers at me through her eyelashes. “And sometimes, I think that’s why we always use it as a default. Then there are moments, like today, where reality punches me in the face, and it hurts, Nick. That’s all I can really say about it.”

  “You’re right.” I grab her hips and hoist her onto the mats, settling in between her thighs.

  The silence between us is comfortable. Hannah hunches forward, resting her forehead on my shoulder, and I can’t stop myself from running my fingers up and down her spine to soothe her. She lifts to show me her sad smile. It nearly breaks me.

  Hannah is right. The sex part is easy for us. I could touch her and kiss her all day. It’s when things get deeper that both of us tend to mess shit up. Fight or flight. When we hear or feel something we aren’t quite certain of, we’re gone, hiding away.

  “I’m not sure how many times I need to say it, or what I can do to prove it to you, but I’m here. I’m not going anywhere,” I say.

  “I’m learning to let go of the you, you were with Mia and the new version of you I get. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m not going anywhere either, Nick.”

  I grip both sides of her face and run my thumbs over her cheeks. “From this point on, we need to give ourselves a fair shot, because I’m enjoying whatever this is.”

  “Whatever this is.” Hannah giggles from the uncertainty. “We’re such a mess, Nick.”

  “Speaking of messes. I’m going to need you to tell Beckett to back off. You aren’t interested in him,” I demand, moving my hands down her neck, over her shoulders to her hips. I enjoy the roadmap of her body on my hands. She yelps excitedly when I tug her forward.

  “Who says I’m not interested in him?” She thinks she’s cute, toying with me, but there isn’t a single part of me that’s kidding right now. “Lighten up, Nick.” The silence her little joke causes is broken by her laughter. The anxiety and jealousy I’ve felt, disappears. “If it will make you feel better, I’ll make sure Beckett knows where I stand with him.”

  “What I’d like is for him to know you’re mine.” I pull her closer to the edge. “That I’ve felt what’s between these legs.” Her blushing only pushes me further. “I’ve
tasted you, and I have every intention of burying myself inside of you.”

  “You’re doing it again.” She wraps her legs around my waist and digs her heels into my back, forcing me closer. She combs her fingers through my hair, proving her actions speak much louder than her words. “You have nothing to worry about, you know that, right? After the other night, you’re lucky I’m not making you go down on me right now.”

  “You’re fucking adorable when you’re trying to give me shit. I won’t apologize for wanting you, ever. Just know it’s not just your body I’m after.” Desire stares back at me. I need her to understand what I’m saying. “Now, go tell Beckett that whatever he thinks is going to happen, isn’t anymore.” I grin as I step back, putting distance between us, knowing damn well she’d thought I would go in for a kiss.

  “Do you always leave a girl so unsatisfied?” she says, and I turn to find her wild grin.

  “Ask your pussy. She’ll tell you.” I wink, and her cheeks immediately turn a soft shade of pink. “See you after my practice.”

  The easiness to our whatever is something I’m growing to anticipate. It’s as if we’ve skipped the awkward uncertainty at the beginning of a relationship, and struck gold right at the good part.

  I refuse to let this girl think I’m only here for a distraction. Now, I need to find a way to prove it’s more than that.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Hannah

  “Beckett!” I catch him in the parking lot before he leaves. “Can we talk for a second?” This is the last thing I want to be doing right now, not because it doesn’t need to happen, but because I don’t want to hurt him.

  “Oh, hey, I was hoping you stuck around.” He throws his bag into the back seat of his car, and when he stands, there’s this devilish grin on his face. “Do you have plans this weekend?”

  “Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” I hold up my hand, stopping him from coming closer.

  “Did you have something in mind?” he says, eagerly. The way he’s excited at the thought of us going out is sweet. I’m going to have to crush him.