“You aren’t playing fair.” His thumbs brush softly on my cheeks while his other fingers tangle in my hair.
I swallow the lump in my throat. The way he watches me, heartbreak and desperation all mixed together in his eyes, is sometimes unbearable.
“When did I stop being her best friend and become something else entirely?” I rattle off the questions, leaning into his touch. The courage to ask this only comes from his willingness to be vulnerable. Somehow, we are right back in the place where I ran from like I was on fire moments ago.
“I always saw you, Hannah, even when she was alive. A girl like you can’t go unnoticed.” He pulls me in, pressing my head to his chest. “You’ve always been just her best friend, and then my reality changed. You changed everything for me. I lived all those months feeling lost, and everyone allowed me to. Then you barged in like a bull, and you couldn’t be unseen.” His warm lips touch the crown of my head.
“Thanks for bringing me here, for handing over a piece of yourself. Every day it feels like there’s another obstacle, but I’d do it all over again if it meant I could keep this one moment.” I lift my chin, and he kisses me like he always does, except this time, we aren’t just two teenagers hooking up.
We’re so much more, and every day I push down the hatred I feel inside my chest for what I’ve done.
Chapter Fourteen
Nick
“Good practice today, boys!” Coach Barnes yells as he passes on the way to his office.
I undress, ready to shower off the sweat from the workout Coach put us through. He’s determined to kill it this season, and my body feels it. The ache is something I love. After a good work out and solid competition on the ice, that pain in my body proves I’ve done something.
“What you got going on tonight?” Kellan asks, standing next to me fully naked.
“You gonna cover up?” I grab a towel and toss it at him.
“Does the male body make you uncomfortable? Is there something we should talk about? I mean, you haven’t been seen with a girl in a while.” He wraps the towel around his waist.
“I can’t tell if we’re at the place where you give me shit in some lighthearted way, or if you’re still preparing to kick my ass at every turn.”
He chuckles. “Nicole convinced me to give you a break. You deserve a break. I can’t imagine how I would react if something happened to my girl, so you get a free pass. No one can expect you to mourn her forever, and I have no doubt you love my sister. It doesn’t matter how many girls you hook up with, nothing will change that.” Kellan’s smile is nearly hidden.
“Kellan, I loved your sister, but it hurts too much to stay back there where we were. It’s about time I move on, but I’ll never forget her.”
“Can we stop talking about her?” Kellan pleads, and I head to the shower, thankful he does.
It’s a constant between Hannah and me. Mia is always sitting on one of our shoulders, allowing the past to dictate our future. It’s impossible for it not to. When I spot Hannah in the hallway or sit across from her at lunch, I don’t see Mia’s best friend anymore. I haven’t for a while now. Life moves forward. People in your life change. You either stay back where it hurts, or you move forward.
“You want to go grab some food?” I step under the spray, letting the warm water hit my hair and glide down my body.
“Are you asking me out on a date right now?” Kellan’s voice raises a whole octave. “Nick, I’m in the shower. Can’t this wait? Gosh, I’m so embarrassed.” He fans his face like I’ve made him nervous.
“You’re an asshole.” I rush, and in a matter of minutes, wrap a towel around my waist. I dress quick and call out to Kellan. “Meet me at El Mesa.”
“Can’t wait for our date, hot stuff!” Kellan squeals, making the rest of the guys rip into a roar of laughter.
I’m never the first one out of the locker room, but I need to make a call. All day I’ve been trying to talk to Hannah, and every time, someone interrupts us.
The phone rings three times, and she finally answers. “Hey!”
The need relieves itself at the sound of her voice. “I’ve been thinking about you all day.”
“Is that so? I couldn’t tell from the text message you sent me after third period, or when you pulled me into the boys’ bathroom so you could kiss me, which, by the way, I got a few weird looks when I walked back out.” She laughs, and so do I. “So, what’re you doing?”
“Going to grab some food and then get home to work on homework. What about you?” I ask.
We are finally falling into some sort of normal. Even hidden away, we’re getting to a point that it’s just her and me. Mia isn’t an obstacle.
“Nicole is dragging me out to look for a new pair of sunglasses or something. I don’t know. I’m just here for the ride. She takes me, and I go. Who am I kidding? She’ll probably make me drive.” There’s a rustling through the phone and then silence.
“Who’re you talking to?” Nicole says in the background.
“No one,” Hannah says, and then the call is cut off.
I pull the phone back to see she’s hung up on me. A text comes in a second later.
Hannah: So sorry. I’ll call you later when I get home, and, Nick, I thought about you all day, too. <3
I think about Hannah the whole drive to the restaurant. The place is packed, but there’s a booth open in the back. The hostess escorts me to it, taking my drink order. Damn, I didn’t realize how hungry I was. Kellan better hurry the hell up.
Thirty minutes and a basket of free chips and salsa later, the motherfucker walks in like it’s no big deal.
He sits down, inspecting the bottom of the basket and empty bowl. “You waited to order for me?” He reaches across the table to touch my face. I swat his hand away, and he manages to look offended. “You’re so sweet, Nicholas.”
“Will you knock it off?” I put the menu down since I already know what I want.
“I love Nicole, but have you ever noticed Hannah’s rack?” Kellan blurts, lowering his menu. Where the fuck did this come from? “I mean, look at them.” He points over my shoulder.
There’s Nicole and Hannah, walking in like they own the place.
“Did you invite them?” I question.
“Of course, I did.”
Nicole slides in next to him, and Kellan kisses her.
“Do you have a problem with Kellan inviting us, Nick?” Hannah snatches the menu from under my arm and hides behind it, a smirk on her lips.
“Nope, no problem. Kellan just failed to mention it.” I’m happy as hell to see Hannah, to be near her. Keeping our distance at school is starting to bug the fuck out of me.
As if Hannah knows what I need, she drops her hand below the table. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her twitch her pinky finger, grazing the side of my thigh. The smallest contact has me itching to drag her out of this booth and slam my lips into hers, taking every last breath she has in her lungs. Dammit, I want this girl.
I lower my hand, listening to Kellan drone on to Nicole about practice, and rest my hand behind hers, touching her softly like she is mine. She licks her lips, smiling widely.
“What has you smiling so hard?” Nicole asks, eagerly leaning forward. “She’s been awfully secretive lately. She and Beckett aren’t a thing, but she’s definitely hooking up with someone.”
“No, I’m not,” Hannah lies.
“You are, because you have that post-orgasm glow,” Nicole accuses.
I spit out my water, and they look at me. I dry the table, and Hannah pokes at my leg, glaring at me. “Sorry.”
“So, who is this guy?” Kellan asks. He’s always been protective of Hannah. I’m not surprised he’s asking.
“No one you know,” Hannah deadpans.
“Is he hot? He clearly gets you off, so there’s that,” Nicole observes. “Come on, girl. Hand over the details.”
“Do you really want to know?” Hannah asks, getting a resounding yes from Nicole’
s nodding head. She’s so excited, she’s lost her will to talk. Girls are weird for sharing these things.
Thank fuck Hannah plastered herself to my side when she first sat down, because it makes it easy for her to rest her hand on my thigh. She skims her fingers up and down the fabric of my pants. Damn, that feels good, and I find my eyes closing.
“He’s fucking gorgeous,” she says to Nicole. My eyes pop open to see her smiling.
“I need more than that.” Nicole is a nosy one.
Hannah’s hand slides towards my semi-hard dick. “The boy eats pussy like it’s an Olympic sport.”
“Oh my god!” Nicole laughs like I’ve never heard her laugh before. “Seriously? That good?”
Kellan groans. I feel his fucking pain.
“Yeah, it’s that good.” Hannah nods happily.
I push on her side to get her to move. “Gotta go to the bathroom.”
“I think you scared Nick off.” Kellan laughs as I stand. “But seriously, can we talk about anything other than this?”
Thank fuck.
When I’m alone in the bathroom, I pull my phone out of my pocket and start a new text.
Me: I’m going to walk out of this bathroom, and you’re gonna need to keep your hands to yourself.
Three dots blink on the screen, and then her text comes through.
Hannah: Okay, Nick. Hands to myself. I’ll try my hardest.
This girl, I swear.
When I get to the table, the waitress is there. Hannah stands and lets me slide inside. After we order, the conversation stays pretty light. Kellan and I talk about the game this Friday while Nicole keeps not so discreetly probing Hannah for details about her new man. If I didn’t already know it was me, I’d be jealous as hell.
“It’s about damn time, girl. You’re due for something good, especially after he who shall not be named last year.”
My head practically spins on my shoulders to look at Nicole, curious of who she’s talking about.
Hannah’s eyes widen, and she glares at Nicole.
“What?” Nicole whisper shouts at Hannah.
Now I need to know what this is all about. “I didn’t know you dated someone last year.”
“Why would you? You two weren’t exactly best friends,” Nicole states the obvious. “And she dated that dirt bag from Eagleton.”
“What dirt bag?” Please do not say who I’m afraid she’s going to say.
“It doesn’t matter. It was a lifetime ago.” Hannah sits up a little straighter.
“Grady Sanderson.” Nicole unapologetically spills the beans.
Hannah’s glare is practically screaming for Nicole to shut the hell up. I don’t want her to, though. I want to know everything.
“You dated Sanderson?” I pull back a bit.
“He had a certain charm that I fell for.” She shrugs, and her dismissive attitude about dating someone like Grady sort of pisses me off. There isn’t a world where someone like Hannah should fall for Grady.
“Get this though, he basically treated her like shit when she wouldn’t have sex with him.”
“You didn’t have sex with him?” I ask, and in an instant, I regret the question.
“Not that it’s any of your business, but she was smart enough to turn him down.” Nicole scowls at me.
“It didn’t matter, though, because he told everyone who had two ears and one dick that we did. So, now you can understand why I got such pleasure watching you kick his ass at the rival’s party, and then took my chance at him at that other party.” Hannah glances at me, remorse heavy in her eyes.
“What other party?” Kellan asks.
Hannah gives them the rundown of things. Me being belligerent, and her coming to my rescue sums it up perfectly. As they talk, my mind returns to that night.
Hannah and my mom got me up the stairs. They talked for a short little bit, but I don’t remember what they said. When Hannah went to leave, I begged her to stay. She said she’d always come for me. Then, I pulled her down on the bed. Even through my drunken haze, now looking back, I was already desperate for her touch, to feel the warmth of her skin against my own. It’s like the dark cloud over my mind has been lifted.
At the memories and the feelings from that night, I look at Hannah. How could I have forgotten what she did for me? That night I was lost, but having her close-by made me feel grounded. There’s no explaining it. It’s how it’s been since she started showing up for me.
We finish eating, and I pay the bill, even though everyone groans about it. These three have been there for me when I needed them most. It’s the least I can do.
“I’ve got her,” Kellan announces, swooping Nicole off her feet and tossing her over his shoulder like a fireman. “See you guys tomorrow.”
“Bye, guys!” Nicole giggles so loud as Kellan chucks her into the passenger side. He waves, and they’re gone before I can blink.
“I’m sorry you had to find out about Grady that way,” Hannah apologizes.
I’m not sure why she feels the need. Sure, I hate the idea of her being with someone like him, but then again, I can’t exactly throw a tantrum over it either.
“No need to explain.” I unlock my truck, duck inside, and start the engine.
“I could feel your frustration, Nick. You can hide the way you feel from everyone else, but not from me.” She leans into my truck and turns off the engine.
“What are you doing?” I reach back in and start it again.
“You’re not leaving until we hash this out. You’re upset that I was with Grady. Okay, fine. I don’t like that after Mia passed away, you hooked up with whoever the hell you hooked up with, but I don’t hold it against you.”
“No one is holding it against you,” I argue.
“Tell that to the napkin you ripped into a million pieces, or the fact that when you heard I’d dated him for a short while, you practically set the booth on fire with your anger.”
“What do you want me to say?” I shrug, throwing my hands in the air.
“The fucking truth. You hate that I’ve done something? Say it out loud. I piss you off? Tell me. You want to pin me against your truck? Do it. But please, for the love of God, do it with some honesty.” I take a step towards her, but she puts her hands up, stopping me. “It stops now. This feeling guilty for what we are. I’m done feeling guilty, and I’m sure as fuck done with this limbo shit we’re doing. Feel what you want to feel, Nick, and stop asking for permission.”
She rounds the back of my truck and slides behind the wheel of her car, leaving me stunned from her outburst. But fuck if it doesn’t piss me off how right she is. I get in my truck and speed out of the parking lot, running a few yellow lights to pull in right behind Hannah in her driveway.
“What are you doing here?” She slams her car door and walks towards the front of her house.
Not letting her get too far, I wrap my hand around her wrist and yank her back. She twirls in my arms, and I pick her up, carrying her to my truck. I open the driver’s door and set her down inside. She pushes forward like she’s going to try to escape. She stops fighting when my hands grip her hips. I’m not letting her leave until we get this shit figured out.
“The way I’ve been with you, the way you’ve been with me, needs to stop right now. You are absolutely right about that.” I swallow the lump in my throat. “And I’m done. I’m done feeling bad for wanting you, because dammit, I fucking want you so bad. I hate that we have to keep it quiet, but understand why we do. I loved Mia so damn much, Hannah, and when I lost her, I thought that was it, but damn if you didn’t walk into my life and challenge the hell out of me. I’m done apologizing for the way you make me feel, and I’m done making you feel bad about the same things.”
“What are you saying, Nick?” She wiggles free and jumps down. “I’m tired of this, this guilt sitting on my chest for what we’ve done. I don’t know if I can do this.”
Hannah starts for the front door again, but like before, I spin her aroun
d. This time I pick her up, giving her no choice but to wrap her legs around my waist. Her back hits the side panel beside the driver’s door.
“I’m all in,” I whisper as I bend my head low, tucking my nose into her neck and inhaling her scent. She tugs on my hair, and instantly, I miss the lavender and vanilla.
“What were you before?” Her burning eyes hold me in place, unable to move, when she's looking at me like she is right now.
“Scared.” And in that instant, everything between us changes again.
“I’m scared of you.” Her hand finds a place on the back of my head, her fingers tickling my scalp. “You’re capable of destroying me, Nick, and I don’t think you quite understand that.”
“You happened out of nowhere, and I realized I can still feel the way I did. All was not lost when she died. The stars still shine up there, and the Earth still spins, and that’s because of you. We’re just under a different sky, Hannah.” My eyes fall to her lips. “I feel it, too. That pull in my chest. You’ve gone from nothing to everything in a matter of weeks, and sometimes, I don’t know what to do with that.”
“You could kiss me.”
“Promise me something first.” I turn, setting her on the edge of the truck bed. “Promise me, no matter what happens, no matter who finds out, we aren’t giving up, no matter how hard it gets.”
Hannah leans down, her hands holding my face, and rests her forehead on mine. “They’re not going to understand, are they?”
“I understand enough for all of us.”
I close my eyes, lift my lips to hers, and almost instantly, the kiss deepens. It never takes us long to fall into each other. Where she starts and I begin doesn’t matter. We might as well be one being. I pull her off the edge of the truck and walk us back to the driver’s door, laying her down on the seat. Her ass hangs off the edge, and I hold her in place, tucked between my legs. My hands run up and down her thighs.
I pull back, looking down at her. Her chest heaves, and she leans up to try to kiss me again. I place my hand on her chest, feeling the beat of her heart.
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