“You’re beautiful.”
“I’m the same Hannah I’ve always been.” She shifts uncomfortably, like she can’t possibly understand why I would be saying this to her.
“And I’m sorry I never saw you before. Not like I am now.” My thumb rubs the skin exposed from her shirt shifting when I’d laid her down.
“If you had, it might not be the way it is now. I’m more than happy to have this version of you. The one who’s been through what he has, learned to love so kindly. I’ll take this version of you, always.” Her hand covers mine, and all I can think is, how did I get so lucky to be able to love someone like Mia, and then have the pure luck of Hannah walking into my life?
Some people search a long time to find someone, and here I am, knowing what it’s like to love a girl like Mia, sweet and subtle, and now, Hannah. She’s uninhibited and relentless. I’ve known the best of both worlds, and somehow, I don’t feel worthy of either of them.
Hannah leans into me, catching my lips with hers. I love the way she grips my face, holding me in place, like she’s afraid I’ll pull away before she’s ready. I bend down, grinding into her. The smallest movement owns me.
“Hannah, is that you?” Coach Barnes’ voice is like ice poured into my veins.
Hannah’s laugh is infectious, and I stand, her perfectly tucked into my truck with her legs around my waist. Her lip trembles, trying to hold back her smile as I turn and wave at her dad.
“Kovac, where’s my daughter?” he yells, stepping down the first step on their front stoop.
“Hey, Dad.” She waves over my shoulder, burrowing her head into my chest, only making me laugh harder. We’ve officially been caught.
“Get inside.” He turns to go inside. “Both of you.”
Oh, hell no. I’m not going in there. There isn’t a single chance I’m going to walk into Coach Barnes’ house after he catches me on top of his daughter.
“Will you stop laughing? This isn’t funny, Hannah.” I rest my hand on the back of her head.
“It’s a little funny,” she says, forcing me away with a small push. Her hand reaches out to me. She squeezes mine when I grab hers. I have every intention of escaping Coach Barnes until practice tomorrow, until his daughter looks at me with this strong gleam in her eyes, like she’s ready to face whatever is thrown at her. “What’s the worst that could happen anyway?”
Twenty minutes later, a long lecture from Coach, and a lifetime of embarrassment tucked away in the back of my mind, I wish she could take that question back.
“If you two are going to be dating, or whatever the hell it is you’re doing, I need there to be rules,” Coach states, sitting down on a stool at the kitchen island.
“Dad, is this really necessary?” Hannah leans over the counter and gives him puppy dog eyes. Now, if I hadn’t been standing here, I bet they would’ve worked, but since I’m directly behind her with Coach glaring straight at me, there’s no such luck.
“Yes, I’d like to believe it is.” He holds up a finger. “There will be no sex under my roof. Hell, you two shouldn’t be having sex at all. It’s called unwanted pregnancy.” He holds up two fingers and goes silent.
“What’s the second rule?” Hannah giggles.
“I can’t think of anything right now, so repeat the first rule fifteen more times, and you two should catch my drift.” Coach raises an eyebrow at me.
Yep, totally catching your drift.
“Coach, I like Hannah, and I just want you to know I have nothing but respect for her. We haven’t told anyone anything about us, so if you could—”
“Do I look like a gossiping high schooler to you, Kovac?” Coach says.
“No, Sir.” I shake my head.
“I don’t care who knows, or who doesn’t, but I do care about how she feels. It’s simple. She’s the most precious thing on this Earth. Treat her like that, or else.” He pats me on the back and leaves Hannah and me in the kitchen.
Hannah turns slowly on the balls of her feet and grins. I cut off her laugh with a kiss, circling my arms around her waist. She runs her hand over my head and massages the back of my neck.
“Your dad just gave us a sex talk,” I whisper between our lips which seem so hell bent on staying together.
“Okay, so maybe that’s the worst thing that could happen.” She giggles so lightly and sweet. I’d give anything to hear the sound for the rest of my life.
I spot the clock on the microwave. How is it already nine?
“I better get going,” I state, pulling back. Hannah sticks out her bottom lip, and I kiss it. “Trust me, I don’t want to leave either, but I have a feeling your dad will follow through with all of his promises to kill me if I don’t.”
“Smart boy!” Coach Barnes yells.
Hannah covers her mouth to stifle her laugh. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I stop at the door leading into the hallway and look back at Hannah. Her blonde hair covers her face. As if she senses me, she glances up, and her smile is the kind that stuns me.
After Mia passed, there was a fear nipping at my heels. It never prepared me for Hannah, for the possibility that there would be life after her death. Everything was so empty for those months. At some point, I knew I’d have to put that part of my life behind me if I ever wanted to move forward. There is no way I could have seen Hannah coming.
“What?” Hannah laughs, pulling me out of my thoughts.
“It’s nothing.” I shake my head clear and wink before darting out of the kitchen.
No, there’s no way I could have been ready for her, and I’m glad I wasn’t. She may never know it, but she’s dragged me out of an awfully dark place.
I pull into our driveway and see a familiar car parked in my usual spot. I wonder why they’re here. Quietly, I step inside, and four sets of eyes turn to me. Half of them belonging to my parents and the other half Mia’s.
“What’s going on?” I ask, putting my keys on the table, and slowly approach them.
I haven’t seen them since Mia’s funeral. I try to avoid making eye contact with them at hockey games. It’s too hard to see them after spending most of my time under their roof. They’d become my second family.
“Hi, Nick,” Mrs. James says, stepping forward. Her arms wrap around me, and I immediately freeze, unsure of what I should do.
“Hi.” I hug her back.
“We didn’t mean to just show up, but we had some things of Mia’s we thought you might want, with her birthday coming up.” Mrs. James backs away and takes a box from Mr. James. “It’s just notes and different things between you two.”
“Thank you.” I take what’s offered to me.
Is it hot in here? I tug on the neck of my shirt, uncomfortable standing here with two people who now feel like strangers.
“Kellan told us you were having a hard time for a while, and we just thought maybe, something in there could help this all make sense to you,” Mr. James explains. Dressed in his police uniform, he looks tired as hell. I’m not sure if it’s because he came here straight from work, or if Mia’s death still keeps him awake at night.
“I’m getting better. Your daughter... When she passed, it was hard to imagine my life without her.” I stare at my feet, afraid to look him in the eyes.
“She loved you, Nick, and if I knew anything, she’d want you to be happy.” Mrs. James’ voice is so soft, reminding me of Mia’s.
“I know.” I nod. “Thank you for this”—I hold up the box— “but I’m exhausted and going to head to bed.”
“Sure, honey.” My mom places her hand on my shoulder, guiding me to the stairs. “Goodnight.”
I don’t look back. I can’t. The sight of them watching me carry my dead girlfriend’s memories will crush what little stability I have right now.
As I get undressed, the pink box covered in glitter and hearts mocks me. What’s hidden inside are stolen moments between Mia and me throughout our lives lived together. My finger grazes the edge of the lid, lifting it
only to drop it. I grab the box and open my closet door.
Once I place it on the top shelf, I step back and stare. Does it have to yell so loud for me to open it? There’s nothing in there for me except sadness. Reliving the past will only dig the knife deeper.
That box of memories will have to stay up there.
Chapter Fifteen
Nick
It’s been three weeks since Mia’s parents brought me the box full of memories. I think about it often, consider dragging it down to see what’s hidden inside, the things Mia thought were worth keeping. I never do, though. Everything in my life feels like it’s falling into place. Opening it will only complicate things.
Eventually, you’ll feel okay. Those are the words everyone told me in the days and weeks following Mia’s death. That part of my chest no longer aches like before, proving everyone right.
This day, though, the pain returns. October 12th. The date has been circled on my calendar since the sixth grade, and now, staring at the one Mia bought me, there it is, in red marker, reminding me she would’ve been eighteen today.
But she’s not eighteen, and I’m not the same boy who loved her so much that every year on her birthday, I planned a whole day for her. Usually stupid things, but she always loved them. That won’t be happening this year, and it hadn’t dawned on me how much that would affect me until I rolled over and saw her name on that calendar.
I pull off the covers, not prepared for what today means, but I get up anyway. In the shower, I rest my head against the tiled wall. The cool, hard surface is a contrast to the heat pelting me on the back. Not wanting to face the world today, I stay under the water, my eyes clenched tight. When they open, I’ll be forced to deal with everything I’m feeling, and I’m not quite ready.
“Honey, breakfast is ready!” my mom yells through the door, rapping her fist against it just loud enough to warn me she’s still there.
It would be great if everyone could choose today of all days not to talk to me in that whiny, worried voice they’ve adapted since her death.
I open the door, allowing the steam to billow out. With a towel wrapped around my waist, I push past her and into my bedroom. As soon as I’m dressed, there’s that damn knock again. Is it possible something like a knock can sound so damn condescending? It’s like it knows I’m on the verge.
“You okay, sweetie?” She leans against the doorframe, her arms crossed over her chest, devastation written all over her face. She perpetually looks at me like she can’t fix things for me.
“Is Dad home?” I ask starkly. She’s not the person I need right now. He’ll know what to say or do, or what not to say or do.
“He is.” She nods with understanding, leaving me alone.
My phone dings, and I jerk it off my bedside table. Hannah’s name flashes on the screen, but I don’t open it. Instead, I place it face down on my bed and lie back. Minutes later, I hear my dad’s footsteps, and I sit up. He doesn’t come all the way into my room. Instead, he stands just within, resting his back against the wall, like he has all of the answers in the world. Confidence is his strong suit. Family, business, relationships, that’s what he’s good at, and he knows it.
“What am I supposed to do?” I ask, lowering my head. “I’ve been doing so good lately. Hannah and I are better than ever, even though no one knows about us.” I roll my eyes. That’s a whole different frustration.
“And now it feels like you’ve lost Mia all over again, because this is her day.” I knew he’d understand.
“I wasn’t ready to see her name on the calendar. I’ve been so distracted, I almost fucking forgot today’s her birthday. I almost forgot.” I stand from the bed, my anger and disappointment radiating off me like waves of heat. “How could I forget, Dad?”
Tears prickle the back of my eyes, and like a broken dam, they come flooding out of me. Angry, I reach across my computer desk and rip the calendar down, shredding the paper, and crunching it into a ball, only to toss it against the wall. It feels like I’ve taken a sledgehammer to the wall, but no dent has been made.
“You’re allowed to be sad,” my dad says through the thumping in my ears. “You’re allowed to feel all the things you’re feeling right now, Nick.”
His hand rests comfortably on my shoulder, and I lower to my bed. The heels of my hands, no matter how hard I push them into my eyes, don’t stop the tears.
“It hurts so bad, Dad,” I wail. “Why does it hurt so bad?”
“Love hurts like hell sometimes. That fear you learned to live with over the last six months of Mia’s life prepared you for this. We all knew it would dig so deep into you, become a part of who you are, but it’s not everything you are.” His hands comb down the back of my head. “You are so much more than the boy who lost the first love of his life, Nick.”
“Hannah...” I can’t get out the rest of my thought, too trapped in my guilt.
“May just be the second love of your life, or maybe she’s the girl who teaches you what it means to move on. You couldn’t ask for a better person to learn to grieve with.”
I look up at my dad. “What do you mean?”
“Months after Mia passed away, she came over here all the time.”
“Hannah did?” My confusion must be all over my face because my dad smiles. I wipe the remaining tears lingering on my face. “She never told me that.”
“I don’t think she wanted you to know.” He shrugs nonchalantly. “She’d sit with your mom and talk for a little bit, just to see how you were doing.”
“I don’t understand why. We were never really close until Mia passed away.”
“I think she saw you floating off and wanted to make sure you were all right. She talked a lot about the promises she made Mia. Maybe that was it.” He shakes his head. “I don’t know. What I do know is, that girl is the reason you came back to us.” He stands and walks to the door. “You won’t ever forget Mia, Nick, you aren’t meant to, but it’s okay to feel happy even when you’re epically sad.”
I fall back onto the mattress and release the breath I’ve been holding since Mia’s death. I don’t think I’ve realized it’s been in there all this time. It’s constricted me for months, and now, the breaths come a little easier. The dull ache is still present. That won’t go away. But today, I’m not going to be sad. Today I’ll remember all of the good times Mia and I had.
I grab my phone and open the main screen to a picture of Hannah in a message. She’s wearing a scarf around her neck, the darkest, sexiest jeans, and a pair of ice skates.
The message says: Today is going to suck. It might as well suck together. Meet me at the rink at 1. And don’t try to do that whole cute broody thing. I refuse to let you be alone today.
I stare at the photo for several minutes, at the way she leans on the hockey stick, resting her chin on the end of it. Her smile is like a shock to a man whose heart has stopped beating, resurrecting me from the dead. She’s so beautiful and patient that it’s almost impossible to understand.
“Where are you headed so quickly?” my mom calls from the living room. She looks up from her magazine and smiles.
“I’m actually going to the rink.” I chuckle. “Hannah told me to meet her there.”
“The girl never stops caring, does she?” She smiles fondly.
“No, she really doesn’t.” I jerk my thumb in the direction of the door. “I’ll be home later.”
“Okay, sweetie. Try to have some fun.” She winks over her shoulder before returning to her reading.
When I pull into the parking lot, Hannah’s car is out front. The rest of the lot looks like a deserted ghost town. Only Peter’s tailpipe pokes out from the edge of the building. Walking inside, I don’t know what to expect. There’s too many unknowns and feelings surrounding today.
“Looking good, Nick!” Hannah shouts from the center of the ice. She holds two sticks and sports a shit eating grin.
I drop my bag and walk to her. My hands rest on her hips, and the sticks fall
with a clatter.
“You missing her will never go away, Nick.” She brushes the front of my hair. “I miss her, too. I’d give just about anything to have her back, even if it meant giving this up.” With gentleness, her hands flatten on my chest, her fingers digging into my shirt, holding on for dear life.
I wrap my hand around her wrist, softly tugging her closer. Once our bodies are flush together, I kiss the tip of her nose. “I know you would.”
“It’s okay to be sad today.” She slips the cuffs of her sweater over her hands and holds them to her mouth.
“I know it is. It’s like every little moment leading to this day is fucking with my head.” I hate saying these things to Hannah. Oddly enough, she’s the only person I feel comfortable talking about Mia, too. “Did I tell you Mr. and Mrs. James dropped off a box of letters Mia wrote me. That damn pink box is haunting me.” I apply some pressure to my knuckles, angry with myself for laying this shit on her. “Dammit, Hannah. I’m sorry.”
I’m trapped between the sadness she’s so sure I’m okay with, and worrying if my sadness will be too much for her. Hannah’s a damn saint, but she’s also a girl. There’s no world that a girl you are dating, and I use that term loosely, is happy watching you mourn the loss of the love of your life. That doesn’t happen organically.
“Quit worrying about me.” Her fingers burn a trail down my chest. “I’m okay.”
“How did you...” I point at her, not able to finish my thought before she walks circles around me.
“Because I know you. It’s right there on your face.” She traces my brow with her thumb. “You’re worried if I’ll be able to handle you being sad. The answer will always be yes, when it comes to Mia. You loved her. Anyone who saw you look at her, could see that.” She smiles sadly. “I wasn’t kidding when I said I’d never ask you to let that go. Hold it close to your heart. I’m here for it all, whatever you’re feeling.”
“I never want to hurt you,” I explain.
“You and me, we’re new. It’s fresh and exciting because we’re still learning about each other. I’m loving everything we are in this moment.” She stops in front of me. “I’m not naïve enough to think you’re in love with me, though.”
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